A couple of days ago I responded to a question from a mom that had a hard time with her husband drinking and becoming abusive. I responded with the note below saying I was going to leave my husband after 11 yrs due to his drinking.
~~~~~~~~~~~~my response from 9/6/11~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am sorry you had a rough night!! I can't TELL YOU WHAT TO DO. I can tell you that your love for him will NOT make him get sober. I thought LOVE would fix anything. But it doesn't.
After 11 yrs I am leaving my husband. He is an alcoholic. Not mean but sloppy, falling down, slurring, sleeping on the porch can't keep a job.
I am at my wits end. I can't cry any more. I can't yell any more. I can't FIX HIM!!
Telling you to leave is not the answer. You LOVE HIM! If you really want help, go to Al Anon. Until you are 100% done, you will continue to stay with him putting up with his behavior BUT if he EVER hurts you or the kids YOU MUST LEAVE. Drunken yelling is one thing, putting his hands on you is another.
Good luck Erika!! I will pray for your husband to get the help he needs and for your family to be ok!!
GOD BLESS!!
~~~~~~~~~~on 9-7-11 my husband DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He had a massive heart attack. We had argued the night of the 6th about his drinking. I told him he could not come home. Stay away you are under the influence that was at 5:30 pm on Tuesday. I was so upset that I told him to stay at his brothers and I didn't call back to say good night like I had in the past. I WAS MAD!!! I was tired of the bs, I had my mind made up I was leaving I was DONE DONE DONE!! The next morning I get a call at work from a police officer that my husband was found on his brother's front porch DEAD! I flipped out!! My life has been flipped upside down!!!!!! I was planning on leaving, just not living with the sickness of alcohol any longer. I NEVER planned on not having him in my life. I thought he would always be a part of us. Just no longer LIVE together. BUT NO........he is gone.........my children are devasted.....
I feel like the worst person. I never got to tell him Good bye. I never got to say that without the alcohol he as so amazing!!!!!!!!! So loving and kind and gentle. His eyes sparkled when he smiled. He has the most perfect nose and bluest eyes......I WAS MAD AT HIM!!! Mad that he chose to drink and take pills and not work. Mad that we could never save any money and struggled to pay the bills. MAD that my kids had to see him sleeping on the porch. So I was planning on leaving, moving out, changing residence. No logner LIVING WITH the sickness. I thought in my heart that he would always be around and MAYBE ONE DAY GET SOBER!!!!!!!
And again I AM MAD!! The coroner said the two main arteries were almost closed. He was only 55. He was thin and visibly looked healthy. BUT years of smoking, driinking and not eating right took him.
The services are over. His family came in and took over and paid for everything. He will be cremated this week. That was his wish..........
I feel lost, scared, overwhelmed and ANGRY! I am so mad at him for not taking better care of himself!! I am mad at myself for not always being more understanding and kind to him. (He was prone for depression and had adult ADD) The drinking and pain pills didn't help. BUT I NEVER WANTED HIM GONE!!!!
I know there are stages to this I lost my sister almost two years ago. RIght now I am angry. How??? How to deal with all of it?? How to not break into tiny pieces?? I feel like I have been punched in the gut!! Yes, I was going to leave. I was going to move out. BUT I wasn't ready yet. I still had to save money. I still had to find a place. Now I have to move NOW!! No money and not sure where to go.
I am rambling.....I'm tired..I know I will make it! I always have. BUT sheesh!! I am so tired of struggling. I just want to finally have things be A LITTLE EASIER!! Cmon GOD PLEASE. You have tested me over and over again. How much can one person endure??
I have a strong faith. I believe in GOD and I know he is with me. I am just being human.
Thank you to all the great momma's. My heart felt your compassion! I am calling Hospice tomorrow to get us in some counseling. We all need it. My kids are older but I am still worried about them. My sons are 21 and 19 and my daughter is 14. He was with them for a big part of their livesI know GOD will see us through this. I know HE has a plan. But man it's hard not to feel human and weak at times like this.. Thank you again!!
I'm so sorry for your loss.... I really don't know what else to say.
Please remember the good times you had with him, when he was clean and sober.
I am sorry. You did the right thing by telling him to go to his brother's house. Of course you are mad because you loved him and your children loved him and you feel let down. And you know, I'm sure, that addiction is a sickness, an illness, that he had little control over. He didnt chose the alcohol and pills over you - he didnt really have the power to make that choice. If he could chose, of course he would have chosen his family.
I was in a relationship with an addict, and had to leave so that I could save myself. I wanted to save him, but couldnt and ultimately had to take care of myself. Being more understanding and kind is great in theory, but in real life its hard.
Its ok to be mad at him.
You had to take care of yourself and your children. You did the right thing. The timing is unfortunate, but lots of people dont have the chance to say the correct good byes. And at least your children didnt find him in your house...
You can do it. You can deal with this and make a good life for your children and yourself.
I'm very sorry.
D., there is nothing anyone can say that will make you feel better. It will take time to get through these grief stages.
Get someone to help you do all the paperwork. It is very important to take care of all of that. You don't have to do it by yourself. Make sure you send a copy of the death certificate to the credit reporting agencies so that no one can take out credit in his name.
Hugs and prayers to you,
Dawn
Stay strong, your kids need you the most right now..God be with you and your children sorry for you loss...
First of all, I am really sorry that you are having to suffer this loss. It is one thing to grieve the loss of your marraige, but quite another to grieve the loss of your husband's life. As others have said, of course you didn't wish him dead, you just needed to be finished with the day to day disappointments that his addiction brought into your life. It is unfortunate that his death happened to coincide with your decision to leave him, but you did not cause his death, nor contribute to it. His poor lifestyle choices put him where he is, and you have every right to feel mad, sad, etc. Feel your feelings, get into some grief counseling if that suits you. If it helps you, talk aloud to your husband. Tell him how you are feeling, have the converstions with him that you never got to have. Take the time you need to get through this. Don't lose your faith. Probably most importantly, you need to forgive him, and you need to forgive yourself. This won't be immediate, you will have to work to get there. But you can't live the rest of your life in a state of regret. My heart goes out to you and your children. I hope someday you can find peace with this.
D.,
My heart goes out to you. I am so sorry for your loss.
Please try to forgive yourself, you did nothing wrong. Even if you had done things differently, you would still feel the same way. There was nothing you could do to save him.
I had a similar situation with my nephew. I was so angry at him for putting up with a wife who was addicted to drugs and a terrible mother. I didn't call and go see him as I normally would. Her activities led to him being shot and killed at age 28. I had similar feelings like you, but in reality, I know I also could not have saved him either.
My friend lost her 44 year old husband to a massive heart attack over 5 years ago. He tried to wake her up in the middle of the night because he didn't feel well. But she was so exhausted she fell back asleep. She awoke to find him dead in the den. She refuses to forgive herself and it is taking a toll on her and her son. I pray you won't go down that road.
Time won't heal the wound, but it will get less painful over time. I highly recommend the grief counseling through Stephen's Ministries. It really helped me.
Please let us know how you are doing. WE CARE!
Good luck and God bless.
Victoria
So, so sorry for the loss of your husband. I can only imagine all the emotions you must be going through right now. Of course you did not want him gone like this. To anyone who reads your post this is obvious so don't blame your self for any of this. Anyone in your shoes would have had enough and be mad too. Once again this does not mean you did not love him. I get it. You just have to convince yourself of this. Had he known it was his last night I bet he would not have put you in the position you were in to say " enough ".
Also, contact Social Security so you can start getting his death benefits for your children. Once again, I am so sorry.
Dear D.,
I am so sorry. The grief must be overwhelming. Please know that your husband knew how much you love him. He knew. If you had called to tell him good night, he probably wouldn't have remembered/known/understood. You say you have a strong faith. That will get you through. I have a friend who was going through the valley of death a couple of years ago. She said that it didn't feel like God was with her. However, she knew that scripture says He will never leave nor forsake us. So, she clung to that knowledge, even though her heart didn't feel it. It was how she got through the grief and pain. He will not leave you nor forsake you. Cling to that. It's okay to be human.
May the Lord of all comfort give you strength and courage.
I am so sorry to hear about the loss of your husband ~ my sincerest condolences.
I remember reading your response and my heart hurt for you. I am the daughter of two alcoholics and I understand how hard it is to love someone with the disease.
You and your children will be in my prayers. I will ask God to give you all you need. And to give you strength, understanding and peace.
D.,
SADLY you know have a story to share with other woman who are living in the same conition you did. Take some time for yourself and your chidren, mourn the man you loved and adored, hate the disease.
You have to be the one to set the example for your children, help them change the cycle of the horrible disease. Help them to be strong sucessful people in society. They need you mom. Blessings to you and your family.
~T
D. - I'm so, so very sorry for you and your children. This has to have been so utterly devastating and bewildering and heart-breaking all rolled into one. I don't even know what to say or how to say it.
This was not your fault, and neither your feelings nor your actions caused this (at least it doesn't sound like it to me). Your husband was extraordinarily lucky to have a functional life partner who could take care of his children, and him when need be. IMHO you were correct to set boundaries against what was obviously inappropriate behavior. Please know that you were a blessing to him, whether he realized it or not.
Please get some help when you feel up to it, and try to not take on the responsibility for what's happened. Your children really need you to be focused and rational right now.
Oh how terrible - I'm devastated for you guys.
Praying for you - A.
D.,
You have every right to feel angry, cheated, and sad. Please don't be too hard on yourself. You can't change the past, so it does no good to dwell on what you could have, should have, might have done. Please don't do that to yourself. I saw that you have strong faith, you know your husband knows that you loved him, he still exists somewhere. I am so very sorry for your loss. If it makes you feel better then rage all you need to. Cry all you need to, pray all you need to. Every day is a day you get to start over in some way. I wish you all the best and know that there are several people praying for you.
oh my goodness. I have no words. none that will help, none that will ease the anger and pain. no words that will help you to move and figure out your situation. no words to understand your grief. But, I am so sorry, and I am so sorry for you children to have to go through this!!! i agree with momofmany that he knew how much you loved him!! and had you called and said goodnight I love you, then now you would probably think to yourself, why didnt i just tell him to come home when I talked to him. there will always be the what ifs and the i should haves. God WILL carry you and your children through this!!!!!! I will be praying for you and your children!!! again, i am so sorry!
I am so sorry for your loss! Hugs and my deepest regards. Please just take care of yourself and the kids...do what the amazing guy you wrote would want you to do.
ETA: you cannot beat yourself up over not calling that night, not saying goodbye. He chose his behaviors not you.
D., I am so very sorry. I know it's easier said than done, but please don't feel guilty. As you were telling the other person in your reply to her, you were at your wit's end...you couldn't fix him and you couldn't cry anymore. You were doing what was best for you and your children, because he wasn't doing what was best for himself, you or the kids. I wish I could give you the biggest hug right now. Your emotions will be all over the place. Of course you didn't want him to die..you wanted him to get his act together because you loved him. I don't know what else to say, but I'm so sorry for you. Please know there are alot of women on here pulling for you.
WOW! I am SO sorry! What a hard situation to be in! I am so sorry that you are going through this and you are definitely in my prayers!
So sorry for you and your family. Big hugs go out to all of you. I wiill pray for your family. God saw he was suffering and He took him so he no longer had to suffer with this disease. He will provide for you and your kids and guide you along the way. God bless
Praying for you too!
This makes me so sad. I am so so sorry for your loss...no matter how you were feeling or what you felt about your life, you did not wish this on him or your situation. I'm sure you still expected him to be around and in your life, just in a different way. I'm hoping your belief in God will help you get through this and understand it one day. O man...I can not even imagine what you are going through. I'm sending lots of good thoughts and strength to you to get through this and to be able to help your kids. God Bless.
D.,
I am so very sorry for the loss of your husband. I will be praying for you and your family.
I am so very sorry for you and your family. I would first say to get yourself to grief counseling. Your feelings are totally normal and valid. You put your foot down in an attempt to change and help him him. It is not your fault he did this. As for now, I'm sure he is feeling both a sense of sadness, but also a sense of peace. You were on the track to get out, but now the situation has been forced before you felt totally ready. I would call a local women's shelter. They can offer you resources, and counseling.
People, have to start over every day. In some hidden way, it is a blessing. Not that your husband's death is a blessing, but that your new life is something that will likely make you a stronger person. Also, you have every reason to be mad and upset at him. As you know, it is also a stage of grief. But, eventually learning to forgive your husband can help. Alcoholism and pain pills are addictive. He had depression on top of that and had a hard time. Forgiving him will bring peace. He is likely on a journey of forgiving himself and growing as a spirit right now.
You believe in God, so I am going to share a few things that can help uplift you feel some peace and comfort.
First, I believe God has a plan for us, even through trials:
http://mormon.org/plan-of-happiness/
Here are a few short videos (only a few minutes long a piece) about people who struggled for various reasons, and how they learned, through faith and the gospel, and Christ, to be whole again;
hope you know, we had a hard time:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
lifting burdens:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
you're never alone:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
my new life:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
forgiveness, my burden was made light:
http://lds.org/ldsorg/v/index.jsp?autoplay=true&index...
i'm so sorry for your loss.
