Recurring Argument with My SO, Not Getting Anywhere...

Okay - here's my take. I'm calling it like I see it. I'm NOT trying to be mean - but I'll give you my unbiased opinion...take it or leave it.

1. You're not even married.
a. This guys is so wishy-washy, i'm not sure I would WANT to marry him if he can't get his act together.
b. He's got TWO jobs one that fluctuates in salary and one that has potential and you STILL can't save money? Really?! if it fluctuates by $1K a month - girlfriend - you should have NO debt and have a ton in savings....
c. Can he tell you WHY he wants to move out? Really? He thinks he can provide for his family? REALLY? An FHA loan is NOT an easy option if he can't save ONE PENNY for one month? If $400 a month is tough - how is $1600 a month going to be?? REALLY?

2. You have two kids together. You both need to grow up and get your priorities straight.
a. Paying $400 a month in rent is paltry for all you get.
b. You need, no, you MUST, set aside money each month for savings. PERIOD.
c. YOU MUST go to the library and borrow books by Dave Ramsey or Suze Orman. You MUST get your finances under control - you CANNOT allow them to control you.

3. You can't afford to put money away on $400 a month in rent - you need a SERIOUS financial planner. Go back and read #1 AND #2.

4. While I realize your child needs care. If you guys can't afford your life now? How can you NOT work? Really? I get that your child needs therapy. However, you have stated you have a back up plan. So maybe you need to do one of two things - go back to work full time and pay your mom to care for your kids or go back to school so you can get a well-paying job.

5. You can't live with your mom & dad forever. Sorry. While it's great that they have the room for you? You need to grow up and start being an adult. That means getting your priorities straight. If you are spending out the wazoo for Christmas? You are forgetting the real meaning of Christmas and showing your kids that it's all about the presents and GETTING instead of giving. Cut back. No more than 3 gifts. PERIOD. Set a max budget and STICK TO IT.

7. With your husband's commission check? Put it in savings. ALL OF IT.

You two need counseling. You need to learn to communicate together and common to a common ground on what you need, want and expect. He needs to stop being wishy-washy. If he wants to move out? Then he better start acting like it and proving that he can provide for the family with a mortgage....putting the commission check in the bank? That's a mortgage payment. Can't do without it? He's not ready for a mortgage. Plain and simple.

You need to get over your aversion to change. You cannot live under mommy and daddy's roof forever. You need to realize that this will change. You need to broaden your horizons. You need to find a support group for your child with Autism - this will help you find adult people to socialize with.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

L.-

Being tight on funds and reliant on others is never a comfortable place to be. He is just voicing and venting about an internal struggle, which is a tough one to bear, not being able to provide his family their own four walls. Personally, I would struggle to live that close to my parents or inlaws.

Having said that, have a sit down and offer to go over your numbers together to figure out what you would need to move elsewhere, and set aside funds to help to make that day happen. agree that when the savings and income are at the agreed numbers, you'll revisit whether a move is the right decision for all concerned.

Best,
F. B.

Hi L., just based on what you say here, here's how I see it:

He is telling you he does not want to live with your parents. Most adults like their own space. His feelings are not unusual.

He is also telling you he feels guilty for feeling that way, he does not want to seem unappreciative, but he's tired of it.

I think it would benefit both of you to come up with a plan, a timeline, and some money saved. 6 months, a year, 2 years?

Why not just ask him what he would like, in a non-accusing way, ask him since this is not working for him, how he suggests you plan together a way out.

Address every issue individually, let him have his feelings, but also share your feelings.

:)

Honestly..it sounds like you are brushing his feelings aside. Just because you don't see anything wrong with your situation doesn't mean he doesn't. When you refuse to discuss something you are actually saying "I don't care what you say or how you feel"

The way you wrote this makes it sound like you never even bother to ask him why he feels that way.

I'm going to guess that your significant other feels like a shitty person who cannot provide adequately for his family (whether he should feel this way or not isn't the point because if he feels it, he feels it). Thus the continuing argument of we should move out and do this on our own. But, the fact remains that you two are not in a position to do so. The reason why you are not in a position to do so is likely in large part because you don't want to. Things are a lot easier for you if you stay where you are. They are easier for him as well except for is mental well being.

If you have 3 jobs between you and have free child care and very affordable rent/utilities then why aren't you saving some money? Are you unable to do so? Are there things you could cut so that you could save some money and start thinking about lengthening the apron string?

I like my in-laws. But I would never want to live in their guest house unless I was in dire straights or there was some natural disaster that destroyed my home. And then I would plan on it being temporary. If my husband insisted that we stay then we would have a ongoing argument as well.

You two need to sit down and really discuss the issue. You need to be open to why he wants to move and he needs to be open to the realization that you can't just up and move without some planning/saving.

Good luck.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice.
I will say, however, that his feelings are completely normal. It is normal to want to not live in another man's house (in-law suite). It is normal for your SO to want to support his family independent of outside help. And it is normal for not doing so to negatively impact his mood and his relationship with whomever is perceived as encouraging that which is abnormal.

That said, it is not wise nor logical to choose to move at this point in time. If that is ultimately what he plans to do, and I would think you would also ultimately want this, then things need to be happening to make that a reality without putting yourselves at foreseeable risk.

So make a plan.
Figure out what needs to happen to become financially independent and secure. And then work the plan.

---
After your so what happened:
So your additional information changes what? You simply bolstered the case that you aren't in a financial position to purchase a home right now. That wasn't really a question, I don't think, was it? You are justifying why you think moving right now is a bad idea.
I don't think anyone who responded suggested it was a good idea. But everyone seems to see that your SO is justified in having feelings of wanting to be out on his own and that it is a problem to mentally/emotionally for him to be dependent on your parents.
If you continue to simply argue your point (that you can't afford it) then you are just going to make things worse. You need to understand that his feelings are normal and valid. And you need to work together to figure out a solution. Not just keep telling him, "too bad, we can't afford it."

I can understand your SO's wish to move out an be on his own. But finances are a fact of life and you will be MISERABLE if you buy a $0 down house and struggle each and every month just to pay the bills.

And here is the thing about those $0 down loans: yes, maybe you can buy the house and maybe you can pay your mortgage every month... BUT can you pay for the things that need fixing up> Can you pay for that new heater when your's breaks, for that leak that needs to be fixed and so on and so forth. Owning a home is more expensive than just paying the mortgage every month.

Set some financial goals together and make a budget. Tell him you will look for houses when you have saved up X amount of $$$ and not a day sooner. Yes, he works hard, acknowledge that. But right now all his hard work just isn't paying enough - or you are spending it faster than it comes in. If you are looking to own a house you really MUST have saved up at least 6 months of emergency savings... otherwise a minor incident will ruin your family financially.

It can be rough on a relationship if one of you hates your living situation, but it will be worth waiting and doing things right.
Good luck.

From what you are saying, it makes "sense" to stay where you are. But WHY does he want to move? It would be easier to answer if we knew what his reason's were since we know your reasons on why you think you should stay.

Why specifically does he want to move out?

Sounds like you are too cushy living with your parents and he's not.

Why can't you sit down and come up with a plan on how to move out.

Personally I think you have too many excuses and are not doing enough to better yourselves to get out from under your parents home, time to be an adult.

I don't think you're wrong, but it's a tough situation for him. I know it would drive my husband nuts if we had to live so close to (with) my family. I'm pretty sure most men would feel the same way. It's not that he doesn't love and appreciate them, but I'm sure he feels the need and desire to have his own space and home, his own turf.
It's easy for you to be happy there, because you have your parents, and with the babysitting help, it's nice and comfortable.
I think you need a plan going forward. It's not fair that your husband is working all the time. You need to be building a home together, and since you're living paycheck to paycheck it sounds like you need to go to work, even if it's just part time.
You've got free babysitting for now, so take advantage of that and go out and make some money so you can start saving. If your parents don't want to babysit that much then get an evening/weekend job, so you can work while your husband watches the kids.
You may not WANT to work, but I just don't see how this current situation is fair to your husband, you BOTH need to do your part.

If you live fairly nearby, you will still have your parents help during therapy and adult interaction.
Time to get finances in order (Dave Ramsay), fly the coop and be financially responsible got your own family unit.
You're paying "measly rent" getting free meals and still finances aren't in order?
It's emasculating and unfair to expect husband & his family to live with your parents.
Time to be grown ups.
Maybe the reason you can live without getting your finances in order is because you have a safety net?
Time to do it yourselves & stand on your own four feet.
Good luck!

I think you have to talk to him about why he wants to move. You are able to look at this financially and see that it makes sense. You are also looking at the benefits to you, personally, and to the girls. It just makes sense to you.

Why does it not make sense to him? You'll have to ask him that question.

Maybe he feels like he's not providing for his family by living with is in-laws. Maybe he feels like he owes your parents and doesn't like that feeling. Maybe he just wants to feel the pride of owning his own home one day. I could go on, but the point is, he has his reasons. Do you know what they are?

Talk to him. Talk to him when things are calm and he hasn't recently said that he wants to move. It needs to be a time when he's not upset about your living situation.

You need to know what's really bothering him.

Is this residence in the same home (share the same building) as theirs or on their property? Do you eat all meals with them or have your own kitchen and dining area?

He may be feeling confined or tight if you're all in the same building. I wouldn't want to be with another family all the time. We lived with my in-laws for a year one time and we had the master bedroom. It shared a wall with the mail living space. SOOOOO, if we wanted to be intimate we had to wait until everyone was out of the main living space and gone to bed. We couldn't leave the bedroom door open because our bed was right there.

It was very difficult. I couldn't even go wash a load of clothes without running in to an in-law. She'd come into our bedroom and gather our laundry. She would bring his back ironed and hanging. Mine would be folded up in a sack. Seriously. Folded up in a sack. It was wrinkled and I was really insulted by that. It told me she thought I wasn't worth the effort. I worked full time in the public so I had to go iron my clothes before I could go to work. They smoked too so my clothes always stank of cigarettes.

You need to acknowledge the issues hubby is feeling. He may not tell you everything but your parents may not be being nice to him. I'd sit down and talk to him.

Also. If you're having such a hard time and your rent is only $400 per month then you have to go to work.

L., your family is suffering due to you not working and bringing in an income. IF your parents are so helpful then they can be home when the therapists come.

Your 2 year old can start early Head Start and with your low income it would be free. The therapists are really familiar with the workers and kids at early Head Start because they are kids just like yours. They got into Early Head Start because they have a diagnosis.

Also with this diagnosis this child can start in the public school system the day they turn 3. That will put them in school most of the day and then you won't be doing anything during the day with then. You need to go to work and bring in an income. To help your family so you can save money to buy your own home unless there is a long term plan for you to have more space at your parents home.

The fact is that he can complain and moan and threaten about moving, but you don't have the financial ability to do so. Furthermore, you would not qualify for a home loan, even with no money down, because of your financial situation (job/income instability, no savings, living paycheck to paycheck).

Sooooo, you aren't wrong in staying right where you are, but there's no reason to get into an argument about it either. Just hear him out, validate his frustrations, and continue on without engaging this circular argument.

Does he have a good reason for wanting to move. Write a budget and show him it just won't work but do your best to save in meantime. That is a great deal on rent!

I agree with those who comment that he's having an internal struggle: knowing that you can't live this way forever, but not having a plan to be independent if a time comes that you need to be.

I think it's time to learn about financial planning. Some people advocate Dave Ramsey. I personally took a financial planning class at the local comunity college that cost very little, but completely changed the way my husband and I handle money.

You need a budget, a solid plan (based on your current income, and not a hoped-for future position for your SO), that includes saving for a future home of your own (not to mention an emergency savings account). With this kind of plan, moving out might be 2-3 or more years away, but if your SO can see that you have a plan and are working towards a goal, I think he'll feel better about things.

I think you need to sit down with your SO and agree to see if you can make it if you move. By that, I mean, bank what you would spend on rent and any other bills that you would have if you moved that you don't have now. Specifically food, water, utilities. If you cannot make it on his pay, then you will KNOW that you cannot afford to move.

Like the others, I am surprised that you have such a cush living arrangement and yet have NO savings,. IMHO, you COULD go back to work if you wanted to; you have your parents at the house for the in-home therapy. Yes, that might mean that one of them is not available to go on the fun outing with your older child, but that's life and it's not that big of a deal.

So, you can handle this by agreeing to try to see if you can make it. If you can't your SO will see that and hopefully will stop with the moving talk until you are in a better position financially.

If he wants to move, talk to him about why. It may be difficult for him to admit he cannot take care of his family the way he wants to. If he is stressed about relying on someone else (namely his in-laws) for support, then he may want to call his EAP and ask for a few sessions to talk it over with someone. I would look at the bigger picture than the money. You see it as being cared for and comfortable. He may see it as being confined. Use those built-in sitters to have a date and try to connect.

It is standard for most people to move out and take care of their own home, where they are not beholden to anyone or have anyone watching their comings and goings, commenting on the kids, etc. I think he just would like to be independent. Are there things that can be done to foster that? Would a PT job from you help? If you lived nearby, could the grands still help?

My SS lives here (but not with kids). He's only 23 but he's working on moving out because frankly we'd all like a little elbow room. I think that bottom line that's what your DH wants, even if he realizes that today he can't do it. So make a plan and the goal to move, instead of arguing about it.

I have to say (and not to be hurtful) that your SO is right. If I were you, I would go back to work full time and look for a rental until you are able to buy responsibly. I was under the impression that police officers were unionized and got excellent benefits. I cannot even imagine living in my MIL's house (and we get along fine). And if my DH refused to even discuss moving out - um, that would likely be the end.

If your parents want to baby sit, I don't see why they still couldn't do this if you got a place of your own. If they are only sitting because they are physically 'trapped', well then that is not fair to them and you should get your own child care (whether or not that is a big expense, it is your responsibility, not theirs). What is to stop them from giving your girls Christmas presents if you don't live with them?

I agree with Fanged Bunny and Diane D. You need to put together a plan. Maybe if you husband could see an end in sight, he may feel better about it.

Start a "What if" list. What if we saved x-amount of money a month? Then, work together to figure out a way to save that money. What if we set a goal of moving out by x-date? Then, work together to make it happen.

There is no way I could live with my in-laws... I think it's awesome that your parents have helped you out here, but I would want my own space after awhile, too.

Good luck- it sounds like the two of you are on separate pages. Work together to back to the same one! Keep us posted!

Maybe someone at work is needling him about living at his inlaw's house. Or he may feel like his family should be on their own and not sponging off his inlaws. Either way the next time it comes up sit down with him and list pros and cons of moving out. When he sees it on paper (including the actual cost of renting an apartment with utilities and insurance) he'll see that the current situation is probably the best.

if you cant save any money paying the tiny bit of rent you are paying how in the world are you going to come up with a downpayment on a house..

so next time so says-- we have to move.. tell him to find a place that you can afford... and then you will be ready to go..

lets see. in our area 3 bedrooms are at least 800 a month for rent.. and you cant buy ahouse without a downpayment.

if your parents are all in your business on a daily basis.. that can be annoying to him.. can you spend time with your parents while he is at work.. so the in laws are not always bugging him...

Ok. This is an argument that your husband is really having with himself. Just listen and make the occasional listening noises, nodding along. Don't contribute to the internal struggle he's having.

Why does he want to move? That's where I'd start. You may know why, but if not, ask, then listen. Refusal to discuss anything in a relationship is a bit dangerous. I mean my husband wants to flip cars every year or so, but the man works like a dog already and just doesn't have the time, but we talk it thru, I let him process, he ends up concluding it just doesn't work with our life now, but I don't force it down his throat. If you can't move now, maybe an exit strategy needs to be made. You guys need to talk, he needs to feel heard and you need to feel heard. Don't know if you have ever heard the term 'equally yoked'? Basically it refers to hitching two animals together to plow a field. If they pull in opposite directions they get nowhere, moving forward is not possible. It's only when they willingly move together that the job gets done. So the most important thing is for you two to get on the same page which can only be achieved with open communication. He may well see as you two talk that staying is best, and you may see that while staying is best you all need to team up and find a way to make your own place happen. Who knows? Now you said he is a significant other, right? So if you guys aren't married maybe that is part of the reason you aren't totally sure you can really hitch your wagon to his? So maybe that is where some deeper issues lie as well? Just food for thought, wish you the best with everything I am sure this diagnosis has been tough, hang in there, it really sounds like you are doing a great job with your daughter.