Really Need Some Advice?

Hey girlfriend,

You need support. You need friends to encourage you. Sounds to me like you're really depressed because your life is not the way you imagined it to be. It's the way it became and you need to make the best of it for the babies. Forget him. If he's worthless then leave him alone. Onece you start living your life with the two babies and find happiness, he'll want to be a part of it. Do you want some encouragement? Here's a little bit about me. I had a little part time job working at night. I had my three year old and my newborn too. My ex-husband worked during the day. I took care of everything! Him and I hated eachother to say the least. It affected my boys. Sometimes we don't realize just how much they are listening and understanding. Our children know when there is a lack of love. BELIEVE IT. They are smarter than us!! I found my happiness after making the scariest move of my life. I left him and didn't know what to do. But I found the light at the end of the tummel, a man who wants to participate in raising my boys, (they still see their dad), and I don't feel trapped. My boys are almost 5 and 8 and they are very happy children. I would love to be a lifeline for you. You are more than welcome to call and vent. I don't judge anyone. Its not my job.
H.

Wow- this is a full plate! But one that can be managed!

1. Get some really good nursing cover ups. Ones that button or snap, so you don't have to stress about them falling off. Then you can nurse in public while your 3 year old plays!

2. Consider pumping sometimes, so you can have bottled breastmilk. But this can be hard at first, if you don't have your husband's support. (I won't even go there, because he's being a total jerk! Sorry, but it's true...)

3. Join a local YMCA, so you can take your 3 year old to indoor kids' gym. It's every day, and she'll burn some energy off!

4. Join a local mom's group: google "Mother's and More" and check out www.meetup.com. Both offer great resources on ways for you to connect with other moms in the area, and both offer playgroups! You can find a great play group for your 3 year old, and just take the newborn along. You'll be tired, but the baby can nurse while your older one plays with others!

5. Consider getting a "mother's helper" for your 3 year old. You can get a middle school aged girl to come and play with your daughter after school! You can pay way less than a baby sitter would cost (about $5/hr, or even less!) and they'll do fun stuff together, like: finger paint, clay, legos, etc.

Try some of these out! They will take a bunch of stress of you, and give you a little time to sit and relax with your new baby.

Good luck, hon. You'll work this out!

Oh dear -
HANG in there. You're giving your baby the best nutrition you can. I've been in your shoes, because my oldest would always bother me while I was trying to nurse the baby.
I'm so sorry about your hubby...if you can't rely on him, then just work around him (deal with him later!) :)

Find stuff to do out of the house - playdates? Get her involved in something - my daughter does the Little Gym on Saturday mornings. Do you have babysitters? Even if they come to the house while you're there just to keep the older one entertained. Use your family members if you can.
Go to La Leche League to meet other breastfeeding moms. One thing I hated was breastfeeding in public but the more you do it, the more comfortable you'll be and you'll get support from LLL ladies. :)

Explain to your 3 yo - that mommy is feeding the baby, but she can sit next to you quietly and read a book or watch TV together. Ask what she would like to do and explain to her to help. It's a challenge, but YOU CAN DO IT!!

The newborn will get into a routine soon and when you feel he sleeps a longer stretch, then you can go to the mall or something...and sneak into a dressing room to nurse.

Remember, you can't do much and don't torture yourself. You're caring for a newborn which is a full time job in itself. Give yourself a break. You can only do so much!
It will get better as he gets older and gets into a routine and you can better identify his sleep patterns. Remember, nursing releases hormones that make you more relaxed and tired. Also remember, stress can affect the milk supply, so be careful.

Please take care of yourself.

I would try to pump a little bit during the day so that you can give him the baby for one or 2 feedings. Even if it is at night before he goes to bed so you can take a nap when your 3 year old is sleeping.

Here is what I do:
I have 3 under 3 and I give my husband my 2 month old and a bottle, I put the other 2 down and I get about a 3 hours sleep/rest before he goes to bed. If the baby needs to be feed again I feed him or just go to bed with my husband and start my night all over again. That 3 hours really helps you catch up on some need rest. Good luck.
K.

Hi T.
Sounds like you could use some prayer support, a friend, and a counsellor.
Have you ever known Jesus? He can lead and guide you through what appears to be a mess for you.
With a 3 week old baby, you could be suffering post pardem depression etc. so check with OB. If you felt your "husband was worthless" for years then find help somewhere. If you want to just vent, then so be it, but it certainly sounds more serious than that.
My husband is a saint, but he worked long hours, and was not there. I pretty much raised my children on my own. Now, he thinks the girls should listen and jump and they are not going to. The boys are out of the house.
You can do it. Plan your day, but right now you must recover so find a friend who will watch the kids for a few hours, so you can rest and regroup. What is your support system where you are? Think about that!! The people of my church were always my support because we never lived close to family. I didn't call on them often enough looking back, because it would have been so much better if I had. 3 yo's love to help, so use that to your advantage. Mine all loved playing in water so I usually set them at the sink, while I made meals, did laundry, or washed the kitchen floor. My dishwasher lasted a long time back then but the dishes were always rinsed well, and the floor was always spotless after the dishes were loaded. I made the wet child stay on the chair til the floor was clean, then they actually used a bath towel and dried it up. They loved that. Looking back they actually thought that was fun, and it started as a safety thing.
Go ahead and read my response to Alison today and you will see what I mean.
God bless you with peace, and wisdom from Him
I look forward to hearing from you, in the days ahead as I pray for you
K. SAHM married 38 years --- adult children 37 coach, 32 lawyer, and twins 18 -- in college after years of homeschooling. One taking fine arts program with the hope of teaching art on a college level so will need masters degree, and the other is studying journalism with the hope of going to the mission field. Yup, old enough to be your mom, talk to her if possible, if not talk to someone as a mother figure.

hI T.,

I am wondering if you considered putting your 3 year old in pre school. i don;t know your financial situation but there a many options. Head Start or sometimes there is a mom that has a prescool in her house. these 2.5 hours twice a week is a big relief for many reason. If the baby naps during preschool then you can get rest also. Start asking around i bet something is out there for you.
good luck

T., I feel for you and e-mail me when you need to talk. First of all, your husband needs to grow up. Second of all, you should not bottle up the anger within you because it will affect you in all aspect of your being and your children will sense it and can affect them. Third, there are mom's group around and do playdates. You live in NJ? Call around if you know or perhaps ask other moms on Mamasource who live in NJ about groups for mothers to get together and children play and do playdates. I know how tired you are and try to get her out though. I know that you are tired and it's cold out there, but get her out!! I wish you were closer, I'll invite you to the groups and have playdates. I have three boys so I know about tiredness and busy and involving nursing.
Can you say to your husband nicely and kindly, "his name or nickname what you call him" please get "your daughter's name" pajamas on her? Can you put the dishes away while I do this, it'll be of a great help. Thank you sooo much. Men need to feel respected and women need to feel loved. Get the book called Love and Respect by Dr.Emerson Eggerichs. Thanks.

Hi T.! Congradulations on your new baby!!! My boys are also the same age difference. I will NEVER forget how overwhelmed I was when we brought the little guy home from the hospital. And the first day my husband went to work and I was alone with them...I literally just sat on the floor and cried. I was also recovering from childbirth, and it was December (my little guy was born on the 6th). The winter is really hard, especially when you have a child with a lot of energy. I did get out pretty quick with them though...mostly for the same reasons as you're saying...my older son was so bored and was acting up. So I found a couple of kid friendly places that I could go to and nurse if I had to. I don't know where you are in NJ, but on Rt. 9 in Marlboro or Manalapan (they're both close to each other) there is a place called Party Gym and it's open to the public everyday from 10-3. It's $5 for your pre-schooler and they can just RUN and play. It's a great place to go with them and it's really just a bunch of SAHM's there and I always felt comfortable nursing my little one as well. It's also a good place for conversation with other mom's. I also would go up to McDonalds and get a coffee or something and let my 3 year old run on the play place and I would just sit and nurse if i had to. Just a couple of ideas of what to do.

Also, I know a lot of people are against this, but it worked for me with my kids...getting a baby on an eating schedule helped me SO much. I didn't feel like they were attached to me all day long...they got the nutrtion they needed, the sleep they needed, etc. I know people are going to write and say you can't put a bf baby on a schedule, but I did and it worked twice for me. Just a thought...

I hope you are feeling better by the time you read this. Hang in there. It will get easier as the days go by. Don't be so hard on yourself about your 3 year old. She is adjusting...try to give her little jobs. Talk about what she can do to help (like fetching diapers, throwing yucky ones away, putting little feet in new pj's. About hubby...that's a tough one. A lot of husbands aren't involved and they should be. I am very open with my husband and I agree..sometimes it can start a heated argument. Maybe approach it not as a pointing finger yell fest like "YOU NEVER HELP ME!!!" but try saying like, I know you are tired and you do this this and this, but I'm like sinking over here. I really need your help doing such and such. Just try to TALK about it when you're not at the peak of frustration.

OK, this is like a book. I wish you all the best. I hope you have a great first Christmas with your baby!! And I hope that things get better quickly!!

God bless!

No wonder you are frustrated - you just gave birth!!! It takes time to adjust to a new baby. I know how hard it is to get out with 2 little ones. I hate the winter!!! I suggest you get plenty of crayons, water paints and paper. Another good one is playdoh sets. You can set her up at the kitchen table, plop yourself in a chair next to her and supervise. I do that with my daughter when she is going crazy and it works. I really don't have to do anything, I just there and we talk. It's kinda nice actually.

I also suffer from useless husband syndrome. I wish things were different and that he helped more, but he doesn't. Unfortunately I don't have any advice on that front.

Give yourself time to heal and adjust. I'm not a big fan of kids watching alot of tv, but if you need to turn on the Noggin channel. It is all shows geared for pre schoolers. An hour a day won't hurt her. Good luck!!!

T.,

I have three boys and I still mention this to my husband from time to time. He will do some things for a while but it always goes back to me. One thing I have learned is you can't hint with men. When you ask for help and he says he can't breastfeed, I would say I know that but it would help if you did more with our 3 yr old like preparing her meals, bathtime, getting her dressed, putting her to bed, etc. You can say it for the baby too but if he is like most men, he will be more uninvolved with him until he gets bigger.

You HAVE to talk to your husband and not tolerate any stuff from him all while trying to stay calm yourself. If not, this is only going to get worse. Something has to change. Either you guys communicate better, he wakes up to your needs and helps more or you give in and just make yourself okay with that he isn't going to do anything to help. For the most part that is where I am and I am just happy that he comes home and plays with the boys or watches the baby while I put the older boys to bed.

As for your son and daughter during the day with you, keep in mind the spacing between feedings will get bigger as he gets bigger. When the baby is down but you are feeling tired, make it movie time with your daughter. Let her pick a special movie, make some popcorn and curl up together on the couch. Maybe she will fall asleep too. While you are nursing, have her bring you a favorite book. That is something I always did with my oldest when our second son was born. With our third, the older two would go off and play together. Unfortunately, remembering to take special time with each of your children isn't going to change. I find that I get so busy now sometimes that aside from kissing my boys when they go to sleep at night, I will realize that I hadn't just sat and hugged them throughout the day. I am trying very hard to remember that, especially with my oldest because I feel like he gets even less attention. He is my most well behaved, biggest helper, everything.

Oh! Have your daughter help you with the baby...diaper changes (putting the tape on or taking it off, throwing the diaper away, getting things), bathtime (rinsing him off), etc. Don't let being busy be an excuse for your daughter getting into mischief. Yes, you must have more patience but you still have to have boundaries.

I hope some of these help you to move on to happily enjoying your family. Trust me, I have felt your frustration.

Hugs,
L.

Hi T., I'm not really sure what to say to you but your post moved me to write. I'm sure this difficult time will pass. You are still adjusting to the new addition. I am very sorry to hear that your husband is not helpful. I have been there long ago. I had my third child when my first was 2 1/2 and their father was like another child. I was only 22 but I made it through. Are there any friends or family members you can have over to help keep the little girl busy once in a while? Is there a day care for a few hours a day? I will pray that you find a solution. Grandma Mary

Wow, it sounds like you are really having a rough time. I am so sorry. It must be very stressful for you to be living day to day in this situation. Is there any way that you could find a little play group, or a Mommy and me class that you could go to with the baby and your Daughter? It might be good for the three of you to get out of the house. Living in upstate NY and having had two winter babies, I know how it is to try to bundle everyone up and get them out, but, really, I think it would be good for you to get out a little bit. I know how difficult it is to feel so isolated. Do you have any friends, or family that might be able to come and help you a little? I think the best thing you can do right now is reach out and contact anyone you can, call in some favors, build yourself a support system (since your Husband is not supportive) It may take a little while, but you will be stronger and happier for it. I really really hope this advice will help! Good luck!

Oh how I know what you are going through! I have a set of twins, they were born in March, I didn't breastfeed with them, but my husband was useless to, even after I went back to work (Full time mind you) My suggestion would be to involve your daughter. Talk to her about what you are doing each step of the way so that she feels like she important too. You might have a shadow for while, but if it keeps her occupied and out of his way, then it might be worth it. If she likes to sing, put a cassette on and sing with her while you are breastfeeding or just relaxing. Get one of those book and tape things and have her read along and follow in the book while you are sitting down. Also may want to try sitting on the floor with her so you are more on her level. On mild days when the weather isn't so frigid, bundle the baby up and go for a walk, or put him in his stroller and take some chalk out and have her do her thing for a couple minutes. Just 15 min. a day on milder days can do so much!

Good Luck and know you aren't the only one out there with these issues!

My twins were born when my son was 2 1/2 and I nursed them both for over a year. I can make it sound rosey if I want, but I remember how hard it was and the guilt I felt for my little man. I went from being his sole playmate to a distant nagger. I cried (and could start right now) when I thought about all the time that I lost with him and how much fun we could have had if I was not trying to be a mommy all over again.

I did the best I could and this is what I came up with: I became very good friends with my little digital timer. I pre-planned our day and posted the events on the refrigerator - little pictures with magnets on the back - tape would work well too. We had breakfast, lunch, dinner, table time (play-doh, coloring, crafts, beads, board games, etc), 2 that said TV, "alone time" which was for both of us, story time (there were 3 of these), a picture of a car if we had to go somewhere, outside, and a bunch more. I set up the day in a way that he could "read" and predict what was going to happen and I set the timer for 10 or 15 minutes when I planned an activity to do with him - I played for a short amount of time to get him involved and then when the timer rang I had to go and he could continue if he wanted. Sometimes I had to rearrange the pictures and he learned that the plans can change. Basically I set it up like pre-school and fit in time with him when the babies were sleeping. The "chores" one was also helpful and we worked together (for only 10 minutes on the timer) to get toys picked up, the floor swept, laundry folded or some other managable task.

Your daughter wants to be with you. You'll find a way and you'll find your way back to feeling normal. Don't feel guilty or make yourself the martyr - feel proud that you can do this on your own. And then go check out www.flylady.net - you'll find your way back to being the confident mommy you were. Happy Holidays!

My DD is about a month older than your newborn and this is what has happened to us so far. She is also breast fed.

At this point she will sleep for about 4 to 6 hours at night then after the first morning feeding an other few hours.

One thing we do to give me some extra sleep is I got a breast pump and hands-free nursing bra for the pump. I pump enough milk so that my husband can do the first morning feeding before he heads off to work, while I get some more sleep.

Congratulations on your new baby! The first few weeks can be really tough. Have you considered "wearing" your newborn in sling or wrap? I have a newborn and a 2 3/4 year old, and being able to wear the newborn has made it much, much easier to pay attention to the older one. As he gets a little older, we'll even be able to nurse in a sling, leaving you even free-er! The website www.thebabywearer.com has tons of great information.

And check out La Leche League! Those mamas have been there, and it's great to have people to talk to in times like these. Find your local chapter at http://www.llli.org/WebUS.html

Ask for help. If you feel you cannot ask your husband for help, find other sources of support. Friends, a trusted babysitter, family, anyone. Now is not the time to feel like a bad mother because you can't handle it all. We all need help from time to time, so get out there and get some! If you don't ask, you won't recieve.

Hi T.,

Congratulations! I know you feel overwhelmed right now, but you will find your way with the two of them. One thing that I would suggest is helpful in two ways: it puts the focus on your three year old, which will go a long way, and it puts some structure in your day, which will help more than you think. I would sign your 3 year old up for at least 3 classes during the week (something like a My Gym to get some energy out and where she participates with you--your son can sleep in his carrier or you can wear him in a Bjorn, maybe a large library class where they don't mind infants and crying (and it's free), and maybe something (gymnastics, art, swimming, whatever) through your local Y (where you could put your son in very inexpensive babysitting if you wanted to once he's 6 weeks old to focus on your daughter). I have 5 kids and it's really important to keep going for the others (and it makes you feel better too). Your son is so portable right now that it's fairly easy to be engaged with your daughter during these classes--you'll be amazed at how much her behavior improves. Also, make sure you explain to her that you love her more than the world, but that babies need things right away sometimes. Let her be part of feeding (let her sit on the leg of the side your baby's not nursing on) and read her a book. Let her get you the things you need. Have her do a puzzle right next to you, etc. Also, check with your newcomer's group--they have great playgroups (sibs are always welcome) that you could get your daughter into--you don't need to be new. That will give you a built in group of friends and support too.
Honestly, I would tell your husband how overwhelmed you're feeling and acknowledge that while he can't nurse, there are things he can do. And then give him a short list of concrete things that would really make a difference to you (keep it short and simple; you can add on as you go). Stroke his ego with a thank you when he does it. If you can't do it without losing it, maybe write him a note where you express your feelings of being overwhelmed and the 4 or 5 concrete things he could do to help.

Hi T.,
Of course you're exhausted, you have a 2 week old baby. I would suggest talking with your husband but let him know exactly what you want him to do. Don't be general and say that you need help with the kids - specifically tell him "I need you to take Emily to the park this afternoon" or "I need you to hold the baby in the evening after I nurse him so I can read Emily her bedtime stories."
Hire a teen babysitter in the afternoons if you can afford it to take your daughter outside, do a project with her at home, go with you to an indoor playground and supervise her while you tend to the baby. I know it's early postpartum and the idea of taking both kids and going out can be overwhelming. If your daughter is bored at home, maybe it's time to consider a preschool or drop off playgroup for her. It is boring for them to be home with a tired mom and new baby, I know that. When I had my 2nd baby, people were surprised that while I was on maternity leave that I continued to send my 4 year old to daycare but she would have been miserable home with me - up all night, pumping all day. I wouldn't have been able to entertain her when she was used to spending all day with other children.
Good luck and I hope it gets easier for you soon!
'

You are tired and not thinking creatively. Is there family, neighbor or friend who can help you out with the 3 year old during the day so that you can get some sleep while the baby is sleeping???? Call your local church..maybe there is a member who will come to help...

Maybe when the baby is sleeping, try cuddling and taking a nap with the 3 year old...

In terms of your husband...he's got some growing up to do and it clearly sounds like he too isn't happy with the situation as is. You need to find quiet time to sit him down to talk to him about it all...together find ways to improve on things. Talk calmly to him...when he starts yelling, ask him to stop. If he's not willing to work this out with you calmly, then tell him since this is the case ask if he is willing to go to couples therapy with you. Remind him that other couples get though all this and still have loving relationships but it takes working together and being supportive of one another..
You might need you to tell him directly what kind of help you need from him. For one thing, he needs to stop snapping at the 3 year old and start spending some quality time with her....Suggest to him to read her a story, or color with her, talk with her instead of yellign at her.. etc. Hand him a shopping list ask him to make the bed, fold the laundry etc...

I understand N.J. is cold...I live upstate N.Y. where we seem to have 2 seasons...the 4th of July and winter. The weather is insane at times....but there are days that one can get out...so bundle up the children and go for a walk. Join a local support group with other ladies with children. These women help each other get through a lot of hard times...

keep in mind nothing is going to change for you if you don't work on making the changes that are needed. One day runs into another and feeling stuck isn't a good feeling...So it's up to you even if your husband continues on the same road..
Hang in there and let us know how it goes.....

Hi T. how are you today?

First of all, I totally understand what you're going thru right down to the details of the breastfeeding and your husband. Don't worry, you can get thru this but the thing is, don't you want to not only take care of your children but also to enjoy it and not to damage yourself in the process.

Believe me, you can to think about yourself too. I too put my kids first and especially with breastfeeding. I knew how beneficial it was for my son so at first, I didn't care that I was the only one that could feed him.

HERE'S where you can help yourself. Both you and your husband can feed the baby. I mean you're both the parents. Let your husband give your baby a bottle of water once a day. This is keep the baby occupied so you can spend time with your older child and maybe even be able to take a shower without any interruptions. :)

Also, get a breast pump, seriously. Get a breastpump and it's worth whatever you pay for it. They're a lot cheaper now too. I saw one recently that says it could work both sides at one time. Wow, I didn't know that was possible.

So, you work out a schedule to pump some milk and bottle and refrigerate it. Then, you ask your husband to feed his baby for one of nite time feedings on the weekends. Start out with just one day on the weekend, with one nite time feedings. Then also ask him to help you feed the baby one bottle a couple times a week in the afternoon or after dinner and THEN YOU TAKE A NAP! Don't do anything else except nap or rest (no cleaning, no doing laundry).

Doing these things helped me so much. You say you care so much for your baby and older child, right? Well, when I was in your situation, I was so exhausted every day. I remember one day, when my husband got home from work at 6:00 and there were are couple empty bottles on the kitchen table, some dishes in the sink and the baby's diaper pail was full. I just didn't have time to do any household chores or to empty the baby's garbage pail. I literally did not have time to take a shower that day. I still had my pajamas and a bathrobe on.

Well...anyway, when my husband saw the TWO BOTTLES on table, he said: "hey what the heck did you do all day anyway?" I remember feeling shocked, then guilty and then I just lost it! I ended up crying on the phone with my mom telling her how guilty I felt that I couldn't do it all. It was crazy for me to feel guilty my mom said. She said, as long as you take care of your children, it doesn't matter what your house looks like. She then said:
"you house and the dishes will always be there, but your kids won't."

That was a turning point for me. I then started to always take a nap when my son slept, even it was 15 minutes after my husband left for work in the morning. I mean, he wasn't helping me enough, I had to take care of myself.

T., if you don't take care of yourself, it's impossible for you to be a good mother. One time, I was so exhausted, I was literally falling asleep at the kitchen table. At that time, I had a big pot of water heating up on the stove and I had my bottles, nipples and bottle caps in there. (I didn't have a dishwasher yet and I was worried about the bottles being sterile).

Anyway, T., my son was sleeping so I just put my head down on the table. What seemed like only moments later, I woke up to a kitchen full of smoke and my husband behind me saying: wake up, wake up, what's going on? I had slept thru all of the water boiling and evaporating out of the pot and all the bottles and plastic stuff melted. So I had those dangerous "plastic" fumes circling in my kitchen too, which was so dangerous for my baby boy who was only a room away.

Fortunately, my husband came home early that day and immediately smelled smoke from the ground level of our house. So he raced up the stairs to our 3rd floor apartment and rushed right in.

So, because, I never slept, because I got up a couple times a nite with the baby, because I was more than completely exhausted...and because my husband didn't help me and thought that I was just playing around and taking it easy all day....because of all this, my body and brain weren't functioning properly...how could it? What if something caught fire? What if my husband didn't come home when he did?

T., I know you don't want to fight in front of your kids, I was the same way, but your husband has to help you and you should also get some other help. Have your mom, an aunt or a friend, come over a couple times a week and have them watch your baby while you take a nap, a shower or something. I had my mom and sister come over and my sister fed my baby while my mom cleaned my kitchen and then cooked for me and my husband. That was a wonderful day.

Lastly, one of best tricks was to talk my husband into watching the baby and I would go out. But, I would just go to my parents and take a nap. Sometimes, I would just read a book or go to get my nails done. Don't tell your husband exactly what you do when you go out so he can't start a fight about it. Just tell him that the baby is his child too, you love him but you have to take care of yourself to take care of two children. Then tell your husband that you understand that he works all day and works hard, but you are running on little sleep over a period of time and you should have a life too.

Well, I hope I helped.

C.

p.s. You can also try putting your 3-year old in pre-school, even if it's only for one day. Your 3-year old got to have "mommy" all to herself right? Well, your baby deserves the same and this will help a lot. And don't let anyone tell you, well it's good for the mother to stay home or we can't afford that! Hey, renting movies costs money, and so does ordering take out or buying lunch at work every day. You need this.

You can also hire a babysitter to be with you. You stay there, but the babysitter can bring you books or toys so you can feed your baby and read to your toddler at the same time.

Finally, my son was born in March and it was cold but when I would drive up the mall with my son all bundled up in his car seat, you wouldn't believe how many mothers were up there with their babies in carriages. You can take a baby out for a little while and just check with your doctor, so you don't worry.

I'm sorry that you do not have the help of your husband in this situation. It makes all the difference in the world to have a supportive husband. I also have a 3 year old Girl and a 3 month baby boy(September 5). I keep telling myself things will be better once the baby sleeps through the night, which he is not yet doing. But in the meantime I try to find ways to spend one on one time with my daughter when the baby naps, even though I would like to crawl into bed also. That decreases her need to act out and look for the wrong type of attention. Another help is playdates, inviting kids over or better yet sending your daughter to a trusted person's house with a child the same age. I try to go to the Library with my daughter every couple of weeks, and also to a Mc Donalds with a playplace once a week (a great place to meet other parents looking to get out!)
But most of all it sounds like you do need to talk with your husband and resolve that extra stress. He needs to be reminded it takes two to have a baby and two to raise it!

I really feel for you - it is so hard to juggle a demanding toddler and a new baby. Is there anyone else who can help you - family or friends who could come by and play with your daughter a little? It sounds like you need a break.
You could try getting out of the house a little more. Is there an indoor play area, mom and toddler group, or a friend or neighbour's home you could go to? I found with my babies that they often slept for ages when we went out in the car or the stroller which gave a chance to focus on the older one a little.
Even though it seems a huge effort to get out, you often feel less tired for a change of scenery, and your daughter would probably behave better if she had something to occupy her.
Also, remember it will not hurt your baby to be put down between feeds, or even to cry for a little while if you need to do something with your older child. When you have your first one, all your focus is on the baby, but when you have the second, then they have to fit in around others in the household too!
Try and involve your daughter in chores too - she is old enough to get involved in picking up toys or putting laundry in. She will not be much help but it will occupy her and make her feel important to be a "big girl".
Most of all remember it will get easier! Good luck

take a ride to the mall and walk with the kids.. just window shop. can the baby take a bottle too? can you pump.. this might help a little. try it... Take a ride through the park.. and point out all the pretty things you see to your little girl. Go to the library... in your town.. they usually have free kid videos you can take home. Try filling the bathtub with lots of bubbles and let her play while you sit on the floor with the baby. See what other stuff the library has.. they may have craft hour for little ones.. if not in your town then the town over.. good luck.. and ask your husband to be gentler with your 3 year old. .... and to be gentler with you too.

I was 32 when I had my 1st. She was a docile child, and was my everything. Before I had another, I talked with her about having a baby brother or sister and she was so happy. So I had another. My now ex didn't lift a finger for either one, so I know how you are feeling. I used to feed my 2nd one and read to her sister and fall asleep in the middle of a story. I could hear my words coming out wrong and my older corrected me, lol. My older one did everything for her little sister. My ex wanted to eat, I said after I feed the baby, he didn't want to wait so I told him to give the baby her bottle and I would make dinner, and found him asleep on the couch and the baby on the edge almost falling off. I figured, tough, my children come first cause they can't do anything for themselves. We are divorced almost 8 years now, and looking back, I should've left him when they were toddlers, rather than go through the heartache he gave me. His drinking changed him so much and my girls suffered for it, and so have I. I am not confrontational, I would walk away crying, but it wasn't healthy, not for any of us to hear him screaming about being hungry and I had 2 children to feed. Try to find a support group, a good friend, someone who could help you, I had nobody. Good luck, and remember, Little ones can't do for themselves, they rely on a parent, don't let them go through what mine went through. Seek help for yourself and your little ones.

I understand that you don't want to start a fight with your husband, but you are only building up more and more resentment for him. He has to understand that your job is 24/7 and his isn't. He has to pitch in and help out. My husband and I almost divorced - him being worthless with helping me was one of the many reasons. We have worked it out - we are a blended family and have very many issues. He brought two children into our marriage and their mother is truly worthless. Anyway - you need to speak to your husband before it goes too far. Try asking your little one to help you with the baby. Send her to get diapers - or powder - maybe you should do breast and bottle - this way your husband can feed the baby - there is nothing wrong with that - this will also involve your daughter. The three of you can sit together and you can let her help you feed the baby. You have to take care of you or nobody will be taken care of!!!!! Good Luck to you!!!!!!

First of all remember that your son will not be up all night forever. Also you are recovering from child birth and need as much rest as possible. So your daughter might not have as much of your attention as she used to, but that wont last forever and she will adjust. Is there a neighbor with a 3 y/o that she could go play with?
As far as your husband, the father of your children goes, he is probably from the old school, that taking care of kids is womans work. So if you cant force him, without a fight, stop doing things for him!!! Don't do his laundry or cook or clean. If he asks why, tell him you are too tired taking care of HIS SON!!!
Many years ago women had family around to help them out so they could rest and nurse and bond with their child. Then families began to move far from each other and women didnt have that help. IMO this is when bottles became used almost exclusively. In the 30's, 40's & 50's only 'poor' people nursed. It just wasn't the thing to do. And men worked and women took care of the house and kids. Then the 60's revolution took place and women were encouraged to work and husbands had to help around the home. And women were also told they had to breastfeed or made to feel guilty. Your husband is stuck in the 40's and needs to be 'liberated'. LOL

I know you're not going to want to hear this, but you and the husband need to have a little chat! I realize many husbands aren't that helpful with the kiddies, especially when they're little, but you need his help! Clearly you're exhausted!

That being said, if he started pitching in a little- atleast with your daughter, you could get some rest and then be able to entertain her more. I'm no marriage expert but he should realize that you're a TEAM in taking care of these kids.

Try to start with that, because I really don't see another way to help you. You definitely need some help, that's for sure.

Lots of luck to you, I hope it gets better soon.
Lynsey

You have a lot of great advice, but here's my 2 cents. Find a way to GET OUTSIDE!!!! Use a sling, one of those baby bags whatever works. Confirm with your son's pediatrician if that makes you feel better, but do it. So long as he is bundled up and you keep his face protected from the wind (don't smother him!) he'll be fine. My daughter is 5 and a 1/2 now, but I've always found if I couldn't get her out at least once/day we'd all go stir crazy. This was especially true in the 2's and 3's.

To keep your son warm in a stroller, you could try something like this snuggle sack from onestepahead:
http://www.onestepahead.com/catalog/product.jsp?productId...
I haven't used it, but they always looked like a good product.

You still have issues you will have to deal with with your husband, but you'll be better able to handle those if you get your daughter's energy out.

Suggestions I liked:
1) Be specific when you ask your husband for help (including having him take over a regular diaper duty), and praise him in a specific way when he does something helpful. I breastfed and hardly ever pumped until I went back to work at 4 months, but when my daughter was newborn and woke up in the middle of the night, my husband would get up and change her and bring her to me, I'd feed her and put her back in bed, I barely had to wake up. It would have been MUCH more exhausting if I had to do everything. If your husband could even do that for just one of the nightime feeding it would benefit you immensely!

2) Maybe have him take over your daughters bedtime routine, brush her teeth, read a story, tuck her in - she can either say good night to you before doing all these or you can come give her a kiss goodnight and rub her back for one minute when she's all tucked in. (This is harder to do if your daughter is like mine, a complete Mommy's girl, in which case just start telling her regularly that she, Mommy & Daddy are all a team, and each person has to help out - it will take awhile)

3) have her help out with the baby, give you the wipes when diapering, throw the diaper away, get a bib or burpy cloth for you

4) hopefully your daughter still has at least one nap a day, nap/rest when she does, try to adjust her nap time so it coincides with one of the baby's

Best wishes! Make sure your husband understands you can NOT do this alone. Either he helps you or you pay someone to help you, whether that person is a maid, a mother's helper, you send your daughter to daycare, etc. It's much cheaper if he helps out, and he may develop an understanding of how much work it really is. If he tries to label everything women's work, use the "team" line on him as well, and tell him if he wants to live in a clean, peaceful house, and he wants to eat any meals that don't come from a restaurant, he has to work with you. Don't let him use a job as his excuse. His day is limited to 8 to 12 hours of work MUCH easier than yours (no matter what his job is), your day is 24 hours long. Your body is working hard to make milk to feed your son, and you still have a demanding 3 year old (and husband) to take care of. She's three, not a miniature adult.

And remeber, it's not a crime to use formula. If none of these things help, or your team is reluctant to help you, supplement certain feedings with formula (or use a pump). Then you can take a break from the "tether", find someone to babysit, and take a little "me" time. You deserve it.

Hang in there, dear. I saw the suggestions for preschool and the Party Gym for getting the three yr old out of the house and playing...I also would like to suggest, in a pinch, fast-food restaurants with play areas. Not the best of diets, I know, but for days when I don't feel like driving to the Party Gym, my local McDonald's has a PlayPlace. So we get lunch, and my 3 yr old daughter wears herself out climbing all over the apparatus they have in there. Woodbridge Mall also has a nice play area by Fortunoff's, in case you are near there. You could also check with your local library for story time and other children's activities.

When she was little, we used a BundleMe to keep her warm in her car seat/stroller in the winter: http://www.toysrus.com/product/index.jsp?productId=2266845

Maybe your husband can help with the three year old? Bedtime, bath time, etc. He could even be the one to take her to the various play areas mentioned, if he is so inclined.

My husband is willing to help, but I too have to be very specific when I ask him to do something, rather than waiting for him to notice that something needs to be done (which he never does). "Honey, can you please take out the trash when you get a chance?" "Can you please fold these clothes and take them upstairs?" "Could you please empty the dishwasher for me?" etc. Good luck and hang in there..it WILL get better! :o)

T.,

Congratulations on the birth of your son.

A few thoughts...
Maybe you should try pumping and start offering a bottle. This would allow others to feed the baby.

Although, preteens now, when mine were that young, I would have my oldest bring me books and I would read to her, while breastfeeding her sister.

Try to get out of the house. Although it's cold out all of you, (mom, daughter and baby) will benefit from the fresh air. Bundle the baby up and take a walk around the block. For inside activities, go to a mall where you can put the baby in a stroller and let your toddler walk around, most malls of some type of play area. Go to a McDonalds or Burger King with a play place. (ok I know the foods not that healthy - you can go for just a snack).

Consider putting your 3 year old in a preschool program.

Get some help. Ask a friend or relative to help out. Pre-teens make great mother's helpers.

It does get easier. Best of luck to you.

I'm going through something similar right now, taking care of a 2-month-old while monitoring a 2-year-old. The first time my husband went back to work, I felt so overwhelmed that I cried. You will need to speak to him but be prepared before you start. He can't breastfeed but he can help bathe or change diapers or at the least, take your daughter out somewhere so that you have some alone time with your new baby. You need to be specific with him regarding what he can do to help. Even washing dishes could help. Do you have relatives or friends that could help for even an hour or two? When someone distracts my 2-year-old, it makes such a big difference to my sanity. I wish you much luck in repairing this situation!