K.C.
J.,
First of all you are quite a remarkable woman to take in this child. I use to be casework and it would be very difficult for me to find relatives placements. I would have to beg and plead but to no avail, they would not assist. Many would ask for monetary compensation. This would never be authorized. They would have a hard time understanding that only Foster parents would be monetary compensated, because the state felt that family should assist and that foster care was only to be used when their were no other alternatives for the child. Many relatives would complain about the children’s situation but never wanted to really be vested in the child. They always wanted someone else to take care of it….anybody but them. When a child is placed with a relative it can be so much easier than a foster care. A couple of reasons are the child already has a relationship with the extended family. The child already temporary losses a parent, but it doesn’t have to loss other relationships such as siblings, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents. When children are taken away visitation is only for the parents not for extended family. Visits are done at and easier pace. When in foster care the child is usually taken to an agency and the caseworker watches the visits. This is usually only an hour a week. And in many cases no matter how bad the situation the child usually/always wants to be reunited at some point in their lives with the parent. So to answer your question. You have a few choices.
1. It sounds like you only have temp custody of the child. This means that mom is correct when she says that she has a right to see her child. Since this is already in the court system you could go back and request permanent placement of the child (adopting). This would allow you to cut off all contact with mom. This would also involve getting an attorney. The bad news is mom already has custody of one child. Mom could argue that since she is capable of caring for one than she should be awarded custody of the 3yr. I am not sure if you want to do that because it could turn out either way.
2. You could request that your caseworker be responsible for visits. This would be in an office setting. A little less comfortable for the child, but this way you have someone else documenting mom’s behavior. So if later on you wanted to adopt you would have paper documentation.
3. You can do your best to get along with mom, and try to make it a better situation. As hard as it may seem almost become her best friend. She will trust you more and possible listen to your advice. Encourage her to be a better parent. I know that this will be hard. But have you ever thought that both of them need you (Mother and child). It is difficult being a parent. The more help you give mom the better the situation will be. It sounds as if mom will continue to have more children. So the more you assist her the better off all three of her children will be. I would also have my grandparents and parents say positive things about the other in front of the child. This way it allowed the child to know that you both care for one another and let the child know that it was ok to love the both of you.
Also ask your caseworker if she can advise about free counseling for the child. There are tons of things out their. Have the caseworker tap into those resources for you. Good blessings, K..