Sorry in advance for the long set up and question…My son turned 3 in early July. He’s generally an outgoing kid without many fears. He’s been in daycare (in home) since he was 3 months, first full time, and for the last two years part time. This week (7 weeks after his birthday), he’s been attending a camp for 3-5 year olds to learn about different sports. The camp is an hour and a half each day, packed with active games, running, etc. When we got there the first day, he went with the group with no complaints or problems for about 10 minutes, then started crying hysterically and came running over to me on the sidelines. He cried on and off the rest of that session, and I had to stand right next him just off the field to get him to watch the other kids, do some of the activities to show him how fun they were, and then eventually he went over to do some things on his own, but I still had to stand right next to where the kids were, instead of on the sidelines with the other parents. If I had not stood right next to the field, I think he would have kept crying and coming over to me. He even cried that he wanted to go home. But, I made him stick it out and he was able to join some things with the other kids, but I was still very close by. After that first session, he was excited about the camp and told his daddy all about it over dinner. The second day (yesterday), after I asked him about what he was going to do, he told me he wasn’t going to cry and was going to do the games by himself. My husband happened to be able to go with us on day 2, so he was there, too. But, at the beginning of yesterday, he wouldn’t go with the group at all to start out. I had to coax him into doing the first warm up game with the rest of the kids and stand closer to the field again. One of the coaches even tried to coax him, but my son tried to hide behind me when she was talking to him. After the coaxing, I was able to get him to do more things himself yesterday, but at one point toward the beginning he wasn’t able to see me, so he started crying hysterically again and ran off the field to get me once the coach pointed me out. Again, I had to stand close to the field for most of day 2 so he could see where I was. I was the only parent who had to do this both days. And, I think he was the only kid who cried on day 2. By the end of day 2, I was able to sit with the other parents for the last 15 minutes or so of the session. I understand personalities and comfort levels are vastly different for every kid. And, he improved in his comfort level on day 2 vastly over day 1. However, I’m concerned because I want him to develop confidence. I don’t want to baby him, but I want him to feel secure. My questions are: 1. Do you think I’m doing the right thing by standing close and working with him/coaxing him to go with the other kids? Or, should I have done something different and more “tough.” And 2. Are there any books you’d recommend about raising boys? Thanks for your time!
By day 5, my son didn't fuss at all, and loved playing at the "camp." Thanks to everyone who read through my story and responded. You gave me a lot to think about! With your advice and thoughts, I was able to frame my response to his fear differently so that I felt better, and I think he felt better, too. Moms rock!
Hi M.,
Here is a web site: http://www.chkd.org/HealthLibrary/content.aspx?pageid=P02296
Hope this helps. D.
Hi M.,
Does this program allow you to leave and go to another area? If so, drop him off and go behind the scenes to watch. My daughter used to do this in dance class. If she could see me, she would act up..scream and cry.
The teacher started making the parents stay outside the class and you would be amazed how the kids change.
He will be fine. He knows that when he cries, you react. He counts on it.
Good luck.
L.
You are right to address this issue-bravo on wanting your son to be confident!
Three key ingredients to raising a boy to be a man-and a confident boy in the mean time are:
1) Unwavering unconditional love. Quality time spent with with him as much as humanly possible by both parents ESPECIALLY DAD. Look him in the eye, listen, love and treat him like a mature person. Tons of physical and emotional attention.
2) Very firm discipline and strong guidelines for right and wrong. This builds security and strength when he knows he has strong mature rules to be followed that will be enforced. He will feel worthy of the attention that come for good and accountable to himself for consequences when he isn't acting properly.
3) Strong male role model.
Without knowing his whole upbringing up to this point-yes, he shouldn't need or receive comforting in the situation you mentioned, but you can't just lay down the law all of a sudden in a new environment with many other people around when he's feeling afraid and he's used to your support. You mention quite a bit of day care, and I don't know how much your husband works, so maybe he is used to being a little needy when he has you with him. Maybe not. Every family has its own challenges or single parent scenarios etc., but the rules remain the same for whoever is there. You sound like a wonderful caring mom and thankfully he has a dad.
Don't ever coddle him or give him positive attention for being fussy if there isn't a real reason. Such as pain or sadness over a real event. Like any tantrum, or negative behavior for the sake of rebellion or attention-don't allow it. If it's drastic crying or fits etc, enforce discipline immediately when he starts. If it's just needy fussiness, scold him, ignore it, use discipline, don't indulge it.
His dad is the perfect example of bravery, confidence, strength and manly-ness. Be sure to never boss his dad around in front of him. Let him believe (even though us ladies are really in charge) that his dad is the king of the household.
Make sure he doesn't coddle him and that he enforces strong discipline as well as spend tons of quality time with him, showing him by example how to be a good man. Don't EVER step in and comfort him if dad reprimands him for something. Don't comfort him too much for scrapes and bangs and problems etc. Remind him he's a strong man. Whenever possible, let your husband be the one to implement rules or positive lessons etc, and back him up. This will show him how a strong male acts. Your bond with him is a whole different important part of the picture-don't let him be a momma's boy! Give him super praise whenever he does something brave on his own.
I would start at home with everything, don't worry about how he's behaving at the camp, his confidence will improve over time, and it's a good thing you are getting him involved. Good work! Good luck!
I think you're doing the right thing to stand nearby and be accessable to your son to ease his fears. My only advice is to try to get to the camp as early as possible so he's not overwhelmed walking into a large group of children. If he's one of the first to arrive, it might be easier on him. I think it's great that you're sticking with it! You're teaching him that no matter how hard something may be at first, it's worth it to keep trying! Good luck and I hope day 3 goes much easier!
Raising Boys By Steve Biddulph is a great Book!
Hi M.! It isn't just a "boy" thing that you are going through. My youngest started dance lesson's when she was three and many of the girls in her class (all the same age) did the very same things! Even mine ran back to me a few times for the first few classes! It is normal and you should just keep going back, keep sending him back into the group and DON'T QUIT!! If you stop going now he will just learn that if he clings, cries and fusses he won't have "to do" anything and when school time comes you'll have some serious issues! As you keep going back his comfort level will grow and pretty soon you'll be just get a quick "bye Mom!" as he runs off to enjoy his new friends and coaches. When this camp is over enroll him in something else (try the Y or your local library) to get him out at least once a week with other kids and adults. Next year he'll be old enough for "Kinder Kickers" soccer, (sign-up are usually in June for August start-up) or T-ball (sign-ups are usually in Feb for an April start-up) check with your local Athletic Association. Hang in there! And remember what ever you do, make the commitment to "do the season" and give it 100%. He may not always like whatever activity, but unless you try you'll never know! Also following through with "the season" you are teaching him to keep commitments, team responsibility, and finding the good in things! Best wishes!
Being that this is your first-your feelings and thoughts are on track. Keep up the coaxing to be with others as well let him see that you are not going anywhere, and all will be fine.
Best of luck.
M.
New kids, new adults, from his daycare. It's a normal reaction for alot of kids. I think you are showing him you are there if he needs you until he gets over the anxiousness. I figure after about a week, starting to know the new kids, etc. , he will prob be fine.
When my son turned 3 He went to 2 days of 3 hour nursery school.The first day I tried to leave and he cried and, grabbed me.So I stayed, and as long as he saw me sitting in a chair by the door is was fine.The head teacher said she didnt mind my staying but she thought that he would probably do ok if I left.So after 3 days of staying I left him crying and I probably cried more than him.By the time I got home the teacher called to tell me he cried for 10 minutes and then was fine.He cried for another 2-3 days each time shorter and then stopped.However the assistant teacher stayed close to him and gave him extra attention.He did really well.he is now 13 yrs.and still every year of the first day of school he gets nervous.
Are the coaches female ?that usually helps at this very young age.Sometimes a male teacher or coach for a 3 year old does not have the same warm approch and instinct that a female has.
Let the coaches know that he might need extra attention.If they cant give it and he is so unhappy try a different camp or school.One that provides the extra love to a 3 year old. Good luck! L.
You are showing him how to gain confidence by showing him you will be there for him. He is three; give him time, my first one who is now 18 wouldn't even let me leave the house without her. No matter where I left her, nanas with her dad, she is now a very confident 18 year old.
Jenn
1st of all I would like to say, Bringing Up Boys by Dr. James Dobson is a book that I would recommend.
Next, I would defintely allow him to observe before trying a new situation. A slow to warm child is not able to jump right in. Just being around the new activity he will absorb what is going on what is expected and then when he is ready to move over to the group he will.
How did he interact with the children at daycare? Was it a mixed age group or children more his age? As an Early ChildCare provider myself I see this a lot of the time, even with older children. Some children do well observing first. He may just be a slow to warm personality. If it was mixed he may just need some more interaction with children in his own age group from an observation level at first. If he is used to being around adults most of the time then that is where he feels the most comfortable. Easing him into a new situation rather than forcing would be a good way to go. He is sure to join the group more readily and less stressful for all. concerned....
God Bless,
M.
M.,
My son is 5. He attended nursery school (2 mornings/week) and pre-school (3 mornings/week) and just started Kindergarten this past Monday. Let me tell you, I am amazed that your son even participated in those activity sessions on his own--at all. I really think he's too little at 3 to expect him to be out there--no matter what the other kids were doing. If your son is an only (mine is) keep in mind that kids with siblings tend to take to "herd" r "group" type settings more naturally. He'll be fine. I wouldn't even be trying that kind of thing out til he was older. But if I did, I would probably stick as close by as he seems to be comfortable with.
He may also be a sensitive kid--and there's nothing wrong with that. I've heard that karate is a good individual sport to build confidence. I also like the book "The Wonder of Boys" by Michael Gurian.
This is completely normal behavior for a three year old, they are torn between wanting the security of their parents but needing to be independent, too. I agree with the lady that says that your presence is probably making it worse, quite frankly. Kids will often cry for about ten minutes once their parents go, but then are fine the rest of the time. He will get over it.
anything new in his life or yours? new job? school? move?
does he do this when he goes to daycare?
if all the answers are no don't worry some kids do have problems seperating and what I've learned is lots of time is the parent, don't talk about it during the day or on the way, just go drop him off and then go somewhere where he can't see you. Let the coach know what you gonna do just to give him warning. Most of time if the kid starts crying and the coach handles it and sees that you not there he'll stop and go join the group. The fact that he can see you and get a response will only let it continue.
If he won't go at all to the field then firmly say that we gonna go back home and leave it at that. Don't bribe either. Be firm
My first child went through the same thing. I have coached youth sports for many years, specifically 3-7 year olds. We as parents have a certain expectation as to what is fun and what is acceptable. When I began my camps and clinics, I let my parents know that some kids were going to run right in and be in the middle of things right away. There were also going to be some kids that had to sit and watch - they needed to understand and figure out what was going on. Then, there were going to be the ones that were in between. My first child was a sit and watcher. I learned that the times that I forced her to participate, she never really invested herself. If she was able to understand the dynamics of the situation, she eventually would become the leader on the field. It went against my nature to not push her, because I wanted her to be confident and I didn't understand her fears. She is now 10, and I am happy to say that my worrying was for naught. She is a leader among her peers, and confidence is something she has in spades.
So, if he needs to sit and watch-it's not a bad thing. He found something that he really enjoyed that first day if he was excited about going back. I think first and onlys tend to have more anxiety about this stuff, because they don't have an older sibling to model after.
My son is the same age (born June 05') and acts the same way. It's most likely just a phase, because my daughter went through it too. Would you be able to have him go with someone else or actually leave him at the camp? I think he'd probably get the most out of the camp if you weren't there. I feel like if he sees you there, he just wants to be with you. If you're not there, he'll play the games. My son a lot of times doesn't like me leaving him at daycare, he cries when I leave, but as soon as I'm out of sight he's fine, and plays with his friends. But, I'm sure it is just a phase & you could try it again next summer & he'll probably behave differently.
Have you asked him why he is so upset? Maybe he needs some time to warm up. Let him know before you go to camp next time that if he needs to watch for a little that will be ok and when he is ready to join he may. Tell him lots of people like to watch before they jump in. Let him decide when he wants to join in. He may just be slow to warm to new situations and pushing, punishing and threatening will only make things worse.
Remember this is about HIS fun and if he feels that you are disappointed by his response to the new situation that will hurt his confidence more than anything. :)
B. Davis
Child And Family Coaching
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I think your son will be fine, and you have nothing to be concerned about. He is only 3 years old - only a toddler. Although he goes to daycare he's been there so long he is very used to it - this camp was something totally new. Confidence will develope when he is comfortable with what he is doing - pushing may have the opposite affect. That doesn't mean you shouldn't try some camps, etc. but he may need a little more of an adjustment time.
Do what feels right. We don't need boys to be tough. Certainly not at age three. I have a very sweet sensitive 6 year old. He likes to act tough but I know it is just an act. If you continue to show him compassion it will rub off and he will show it to others. I have asked my 6yo if wants to be involved in sports or some other kind of activity but he always asks if I will do it too and when I say no he says no. Maybe I should push him more but there will be more years of his life that he is out there with out me that for now if he wants me he has me.
I think that we mothers of boys need to do our best to raise our boys to be men that we would "want to bring home to mom".
Good luck!
i think it is common...even though all the other kids are ok..many of my friends kids do the same...keep trying things and keeping involved...you may need to leave him there with a friend a few times...he will be fine just a stage
Hi. Based on my own experience with a 5 and 6 year old, I would not worry about your son. I would say that at just 3, he was probably too young for a very active, noisy camp with lots of other children. Since he has had home daycare, with presumably only a few other children, he has not had experiences with lots of other kids. That always makes my daughter very shy. Also, with home daycare, he has always been in his safe home environment. Being out somewhere else with lots of other kids can be nerve-wracking for any child. If you try it again next year when he is 4, you may find that he loves it! (Or maybe sports are not his thing, you may want to try a more laid-back camp next summer.) Take care!
