For a young elementary kid: he used to come to me upset when groups of kids didn’t want to play a game his way (anything from tag to playground soccer). I would simply tell him: they don’t want to play that way, so you can either play with them using their rules or go play something else/go play with other kids but everyone doesn’t have to use your rules. And I would stay out of it.
This has somewhat backfired, because now when kids don’t play his way, he loudly announces “well fine, if you won’t play my way then I QUIT”. Basically, he flounces (the older kids roll their eyes and say that he “rage quits”). I mostly ignore this. I’m hoping that natural consequences will take care of it (he will feel left out when the other kids keep playing without him), but that’s not happening as quickly as I’d hoped. Is there a better way to handle this in general?
This is pretty common up to about 6 or 7 yrs old.
My sister use to throw an absolute fit if she didn't win Candyland or Chutes N Ladders.
You might try playing board games (age appropriate) and card games and model good winning and graceful losing.
It will take time - so don't expect it to happen over night - but usually most kids get to an age where it clicks and they really start playing better with others.
This is actually pretty common. Grandson #2 was horrible. Before we would start to play a board game I'd actually say 'OK we're playing a game because its fun. The goal here is to spend time together doing something fun. It doesn't matter who wins or not because we are just spending time together having fun.'
If he's old enough to do an epic flounce then he's old enough for you to correct his words. Tell him that he needs to stop the whole 'if you won't play my way' thing'. Tell him that it comes across like he's being a baby instead of a big boy and other children see him as a baby throwing a tantrum when things don't go the way he wants. Tell him that he should play with the other person's rules to see how other people do things. Then after a while ask if everyone can play with his rules.
Eventually he'll figure it out but these are times you can teach good behavior. Maybe play a couple games with him and model the behavior he needs to see.
Urgh. This is the tough time. My boys had it at age 7/8.
Told them that life "isn't fair" and they can't always have it "THEIR WAY", life isn't a dictatorship. Told them to LISTEN to their friends and ask what rules they wanted to use and see if there was a compromise that could be made. Otherwise he would be friendless because NOONE wants a "sore loser" nor do they want someone who ONLY wants to play by THEIR OWN rules....
We didn't allow our boys to "quit" either. they had to stick it out. For whatever reason - baseball, soccer, lacrosse, swimming, tae kwon do, etc. they had to stick it out for the season and continue to do their best. Kind like food - they have to try it before they say they don't like it. when we paid for sports? made them stick out the season because they could always learn something from it.
He's not going to learn how to treat people if you keep them away. however, THEY may NOT want to come over because of HOW HE treats them. He needs to understand that FRIENDS need him to listen to their wishes too, it's not all about him.
Good luck!
Very common and one of the reasons "family game night" at our house was a complete disaster. Too much fighting over the rules and too many tears lol!
Anyway it probably won't go away quickly, or maybe at all. I have a nephew who has always been very much like this and he still is as a teenager. He's a very competitive athlete and it serves him well on the field but he still struggles when things don't go his way.
Hopefully your son will grow out of it, in the mean time when he has friends over again remind him to agree on the rules ahead of time and that it's completely unfair to quit in the middle of a game just because he's losing (I'm assuming this is where the "rage" quitting is coming from.)
I think we've all gone through this. I'm sorry you are experiencing it. It's never easy.
My oldest had a rough month or two with it. With younger brothers, it's hard to "get your way" and all went through some form of it! "MOM, Adam is hogging all the tokens" "Mom, NO ONE is listening to me and it MUST be done MY way"
He's going to learn from natural consequences that his friends will only put up with so much and then they'll stop trying. He needs to learn that other people have feelings and "rules". It won't always be "his" way. Is he an "only" or does he have other siblings?
Tell him that people can only handle sooo much of "my way or the highway" and they might just end up taking the highway. Remind him life isn't fair. But he can learn compromise
The only thing I would add to all of the good advice below would be: attempt to instill the value of "no quitting halfway through".
A "flounce" is what we call it when something has begun and THEN the person leaves. But to discuss the rules IN ADVANCE and, on that basis, make a decision as to whether or not to participate - I think *that* is totally fine and not "immature". Similarly, it is fine to play through once and decide not to play with those people again.
(I have a childhood memory of my mother telling me that there were certain women she would not play bridge with because of their playing style...she never flounced mid-game, she just made a "note to self" to not play that game with them again.)
I don't know if this would work with your child, but it did with mine - I simply joined in with his friends when he took off upset. I said "Well, I'll join you boys...." and that either embarrassed my son or made it obvious just how silly he was being ... anyhow, it got through.
The one thing I have done is to pull my child aside when they are poor sports (or being sulky, or won't share, etc.) when friends are over, tell them to take a sec to collect themselves, then I say it's unacceptable to make a friend feel uncomfortable at our house (any guest) and then either they make it right, or I will. I think the fear that mom will do something to make it right outweighs their feeling frustrated or whatever, and they get over it more quickly.
I have a sibling distract the friend/guest during that time. But yes, can definitely relate. Thankfully not a long phase - a few of my kids went through this. I think natural consequences (friends making fun or not including them) ultimately takes care of it in the end.
Yeah, now he's acting out and you didn't expect that. I think that I would change course here and tell him that he may not talk like that to his friends. When he gets his back up about not getting his way, tell him that he must be very tired and needs to go in his room and take a nap.
That way he doesn't get to treat his friends badly and he doesn't get a choice to be with them anymore. When he complains, tell him that if he keeps talking badly to them, he won't have any friends left to play with and that he needs to learn to compromise. If he can't do that, he can go take a nap.
Our rule is that when it's someone else's game, like we're at their house or the kids are at school, those people/school pick what the rules are and how the game is played there.
When he has company or you have game night then your house gets to make the rules you want.
