Hello Ladies! I have a quick question, my husband (soon to be ex, we are separated) were arguing over a subject. This is what caused our separation, and he still thinks I'm unreasonable. If two people are married, and one spouse regularly has a man or woman they talk to, casually and sexually, but the actual act of sex has never happened, isn't it still wrong? Wouldn't that piss you off? And isn't it disrespectful? That's what he did, just couldn't and can't let go of women, but he thinks as long as sex is not happening, it's ok to talk sexually. His exscuse "But I never had sex with them, you should be happy and we should be able to go on and be lovey dovey". What's your opinion? He thinks I'm dramatic.
Thank you Ladies! I plan to show him the responses...but I know he will dismiss it, so really there's no point when I think about it. To clear up what he has been saying, I looked at his phone...he's been texting a woman telling her he wants sex, oral sex from her, wants to give her oral sex and etc. She calls him baby and her hubby, tells him she wants him right then and there, basically has a melt down and texts him six times in a row if she misses his phone call. Apparently they have been together, at least that's how it looks from the messages because she'll ask when he's coming, he says he's on his way and she tells him she might be sleep, but the door is open And it looks like she is young, goes to nursing school and lives with her mom...maybe...she could be just visiting or stays with her mom occassionally, I don't know. Really don't care. I agree with a few posts that said what does it matter? I really shouldn't care because I'm leaving him. Guess it just still hurts because I still love him. I hate that I love him, but I do. I don't want him back, but it still hurts. BUT! Thank ya all for your responses, I appreciate each and every one! FYI, it's not the first time this has happened, over the span of 5 years of being married, women have always popped up and I'm finally tired.
I talk ABOUT sex with other people all the time.
When you say 'talking sexually'... do you mean talking about sex, or talking dirty/ having phone sex?
It doesn't matter how anyone ELSE feels about it though, it could be broccoli or motorcycle racing. If it bothers you that much it's either reach a compromise or call finis.
What he is having is an emotional affair which is even more damaging and painful than a physical affair.
Only you know him, and know your own situation.
BUT, my gut feeling is that anyone hanging on to anything THAT hard...to the point of losing his wife, is hiding something.
Good luck!
Your soon to be ex better register for his voter's card in Fantasyland, because that's where he's living, apparently.
Um.... Yeah. Very Very Wrong.
If he'd rather lose you than her (or them), then he's doing more than talking.
He's wrong, you're right.
.
That's very wrong. It's emotionally cheating. I've never really seen it not escalate to physical, but who knows. He is in la la land. No real woman will ever put up with him doing that.
I have suspicions he doesn't want to admit he's wrong. My ex would act flirty to girls and I was like what if I did that and of course he said it wouldn't bother me so I flirted with a guy in front of him and waa-lah he was pissed.
Oh yeah its wrong! Have you ever asked him how he would feel if you were having these kinds of conversations with men? Actually-what you should do is have one with a guy friend of yours to show him just how it feels.
yes, yes, and yes. you are right. it can lead to something else. my husband and I have an agreement that flirting is cheating, you don't put yourself in a situation where it could possibly turn into something else. t hat is just common respect. He has no respect for you. get rid of him unless he sees how he is being disrespectful. marriage is team, a committment, you are one....friends is one thing but when it is not another couple that you are friends with and yet a single female or male, that can lead to feelings.
He's playing you. He must really be getting off on having his cake and eating it too. I don't think you should allow yourself to be treated this way, you deserve better. His behavior is wrong and disrespectful.
If they are talking about sex, it's just a matter of time before they actually have sex. You are absolutely right. He should not be flirting with someone else, especially if it's making you uncomfortable. IF that is the reason for your separation, that tells me that he cares about HER more than YOU if he wasn't willing to stop the relationship with that woman in ordar to keep you. You are NOT dramatic!
If hubby is talking with a woman, and you feel uncomfortable about it, then yes it's disrespectful. Not sure what "casually and sexually" means. However, it appears that he has crossed the line.
If he's your soon to be ex, what difference does it make?
Dear M.,
There is nothing happy about your situation. If you still love your husband and there is any hope of RESTORING your marriage; my question to him would be, "If you still love me and there is any hope of RESTORING our marriage, what would you be willing to do?
I believe when you are married, there should be NO one on one socializing with another man or woman if there COULD be any question about fidelity. Things start out ever so innocent, but as you have experienced, it can turn out to be devastating.
I don't know all your details, but if there is a chance, get some good counseling.
Blessings....
It doesn't really matter what me or the other ladies on here think..... YOU were uncomfortable and that's all your husband needs to know. He should have stopped. He should have respected you. I do think he is wrong, but don't see a way of opening his eyes.
Best of Luck!
K
He's an idiot. If a 6'4' guy sticks his hand in his jacket pocket to intimidate an 80 year old woman into thinking he has a gun-is this wrong? Hell yes-it's armed robbery! Call a spade a spade, Kiddo-good luck!
You are not being dramatic. It is wrong. Sexual talk and even intimate emotional talk is to be kept between spouses.
I don't think talking to someone like that is right.
I don't think it's serious enough to get divorced, but deserves a lot of attention, work, understanding, and after, that kind of behavior should end.
I do think it is awful that he's not willing to back off for sake of the marriage. That deserves a lot of thinking, and means more than the issue that started the problem in the first place.
I understand why you are separated.
First off, this is not a quick question :), secondly, it is disrespectful but only he or she sees it as such. It is wrong, but he has to rationalize it as no it is not, because then he'll have to admit to doing wrong; which is very difficult for any person to do. (playing the devil's advocate) how did you find out; snooping? spying? gossip? can also be considered disrespectful. I would find it very difficult to get over it because personally I do feel that it is. However, I don't spend any time questioning my husband if he does this sort of behavior. Good luck in your separation.
i would wonder why he couldnt just talk to me that way and why he had to talk that way with another.
in the bible it says that even thoughts of sex are like the act itself. they are sins and are wrong. it's hard not to have thoughts about it but it's not hard to keep from talking about it. you have to have the thoughts to say them. once you are married it's ok to think these thoughts about your spouse but not others that includes talking about such things with others regardless of their sex.
so i would feel inadiquate (sp?) and confused.
You are right. My personal feelings would be that this kind of intimate relationship is worse than the act of sex. He isn't ready to be committed to one woman, which means he isn't ready to be married. So sorry you have to deal with this in your life. Take care.
This is a complicated issue in marriage. I do not think you are being unreasonable, but you two may be incompatible. In other words, he may not be being a jerk or disrespectful. My husband and I are coming up on 23 years of marriage and I'm not going to lie -- it's been rocky sometimes -- but we are still best friends and we love each other. That's all a preamble to what I am going to say. My husband and I both get along better with members of the opposite sex. As in -- my best friends are men and his are women. It's just like that. And when you have good friends of the opposite sex, well, conversation is not always totally without flirtation or just comments that might not be totally nonsexual. There are, I guess, limits to that -- I mean being flirty or just making off-color jokes is one thing, actually having phone sex is another. I'm not sure what your husband is doing. What inevitably happens is that the relationship doesn't feel as secure as it would if we didn't have friends of the opposite sex, because we all know that friendships can morph beyond friendships. So, how do we handle this? First, we are a somewhat weird couple in that we totally respect each other's freedom and privacy. We don't check out each others e-mails for example and we are comfortable if the other goes out without us, even with friends of the opposite sex. No problem. We also base the security in our relationship beyond sexuality. In other words, we are committed to each other, we love each other, we are both confident that the other is not going to trade us in for a newer or better model. In that context, the minor flirtation with a member of the opposite sex or the fact that we go out with them for drinks for example without our spouse becomes a very minor issue -- a non-issue actually. The advantage that we have is that both of us have friends of the opposite sex. So, we understand the whole dynamic. And I can't ask him -- or insist -- that he give up his friends who are women, without me giving up my friends who are men, right? So...I'm going to end with this. If this completely bothers you and makes you unhappy, then you are not being unreasonable. If he likes having women friends and if his normal social outlet beyond you as a couple is having women friends, then he is not being a jerk for not wanting to give them up. You two are simply incompatible and one insisting over the other in the relationship will probably just make one of you unhappy. However, if one of you can understand and accept the other's needs and give in or you can come to some sort of agreement on the issue, you can probably save your marriage. I disagree that close friendships with members of the opposite sex are necessarily emotional affairs. Emotional affairs are when you are treating that friend as your actual partner and emotionally abandoning the person to whom you are committed emotionally. That is different. Ahh, I just saw your What Happened -- that's definitely beyond what I'm talking about that's an actual affair. Wishing you all the best as you go through this tough time.
the next time he says, well whats the big deal ? tell him about the pool boy down the street that you would love to get into the shorts of, go on and on about how BIG you hear he is, then sit back with a smug little smile and say"whats the big deal? its not like i am sleeping with him, whats your problem??" men like that hate being compared to another man, especially if they think they are "shorter"
K. h.
