Questions to Ask Ex's New Girlfriend When My Kids Are Involved

First of all...I am sorry that you are having to deal with such an unpleasant situation.
If I were in your shoes I would be very careful about approaching the "other woman" you have no idea what her mind set is...she might be very receptive to what you have to say but then there is also the chance that she would twist anything you say or do and use it to cause more trouble between you and your ex.
I would just sit back and observe...talk with her if she comes with your ex to pick up the children....listen to what your oldest child has to say when they come home from visiting their Dad.
I just don't think it is worth the chance of stirring up even more emotions or drama by talking to her about your expectations.

Here's the thing, and I know this is blunt but I've been through it all. You can't MAKE her stay away from your kids. I totally agree, if he's only going to be with her for 3 weeks before she finds out he cheated on her too and then they're splitsville, that's not very healthy relationship habits for the kids to be exposed to... but it's unfortunately not against the law. And remember, when YOU get a new BF, you need to put the shoe on the other foot. No one I ever dated even KNEW I had kids because I would talk about them, but wouldn't let them meet a new man until I knew it was very serious. And this is the biggest part... it's not what he does or does not do while the kids are with him, it's your reactions to what he does. If he runs to the store for a pack of smokes and leaves the kids with his GF, you can't flip out over stuff like that, as much as you don't like it. SO much more to say but it's way early ;) ... send me a message if you need to vent/have questions... Like I said, I've been through it all, seen it all, and I'm very familiar with the laws in regards to my babies :)

In reading your concerns and questions you want to ask your ex's girlfriend my first thought was that what goes on when your kids are with him isn't something you have any say over or any control over unless there is a dangerous or unsafe environment that your kids are in. I know that is NOT what you want to hear, but it is true. It sounds to me you may benefit from seeing a clinician to sort out your feelings and get a handle on how to discuss your concerns with your ex. Hopefully you can find a way to communicate with each other in what is healthy and beneficial to your kids. That is what this is about...it is not about you or how he hurt you or what kind of relationship he has with his girlfriend nor is it about the relationship she has with her kids. This is so fresh (a month or 2) so don't be hasty in confronting her. It may backfire and damage future openness that you will want as your kids get older and their relationship goes on. I know you mean well, but you also need to take a step back. I have gone through a divorce as well and my therapist made it very clear that I have no control over what my ex does when he has the kids...in fact it is really a boundary issue...unless the kids are in danger. Work towards being able to communicate with him about the kids and as time goes on you two will come to an understanding. Also, just because your ex is showing your kids actions and behaviors you don't want them to see doesn't mean that you cannot show them and bring them up with the values you deem important. This is the most important...you demonstrating appropriate actions, behaviors, instilling trust and openness, how to respect other peoples actions as they choose, making good choices, etc. The list goes on and on and on. Good luck to you!

What are you really hoping to gain if you meet her? You have wonderful questions and in an ideal world she would answer them all nicely one by one and you would go off into the sunset to take classes or something while they all visit. But this doesn't sound like a movie. This is real life and I think there is more than you saying that you hope to achieve in meeting her. You are not ready for him to be gone, period and I have a hunch you are in shock of sorts and are doing mental downplay of yourself or are trying build yourself back up and meeting her might help this assessment. Let's face it, he is a very mean person, with little regard for anyone but himself and you cannot continue to torture yourself. I would suggest taking your energy about this and get some counseling for you and start looking for a nice man for yourself. He is a jerk and meeting his girlfriend won't change him. If she has children herself of course she knows how to take care of little ones. AS far as him being sure what he wants he could have a parade of women in his life (once a cheater almost ALWAYS a cheater) and you will not be there to monitor each and everyone. The best revenge is your own happiness and of course some of that will come as the years go by and you hear all about what a cad he is through your children. In the meantime if you sense anything dangerous document that and as far as talking to her I suggest don't bother. If she is able to steal your man away I really don't think she's going to be very pleasant or receptive to you. Take a moment and smile. She's stuck with him and you ARE FREE, FREE, FREE.

First off, I am sorry about the situation that you and your kids are dealing with. I think that being honest with her and doing your best to be non emotional is fine. Just tell her that you don't want your kids to be hurt by anything that can be avoided. As a grown woman of divorced parents and a mother myself, I would have appreciated if both my parents had excercised discreetness while "hooking-up" with new partners after thier seperation. It was very confusing for me and my siblings. My parents divorced when I was 4 and my brother was almost 1. I feel you are taking the mature approach and can see that you really want whats best for your kids, I am not sure why your ex feels negativly about your request. I'd like to think that the new girlfriend can totally see your point.
Good luck.

I have been in this situtation..kind of. LOL

I have two children a 2.5y/o and 1 month old. My 2 year old is from a previous relationship and his dad is dating my fiance's ex girlfriend from high school.. strange? Well I met my fiance about 2 years ago.. my son was 8 months old at the time and I wasn't with his dad and I wasnt dating or anything I met him randomly actually.. I was hanging out with some girlfriends one night and we knew each other from high school so we started talking and two years and a baby later lol were engaged. During the time I met my man his ex gf was trying to rekindle their relationship,and he kind of just cut her off when he met me. About a couple of months after him and I were "official" I find out my son's dad and his ex gf are dating.. I was angry at first because well what would you think? I thought for the longest time she was doing this to me because my fiance didn't want her anymore and I hated her for it. I told my ex bf I wanted to meet her so I knew who he was bringing around my son. Well at this time my bf was with my son on a daily basis so I couldn't demand to meet her or ask her her intentions because my son's dad didn't ask the same from me. So I let everything go after I found out I was pregnant with my second child I just didn't care anymore. I knew my ex wasn't going to bring somebody around he felt would cause harm to my child. So I didn't feel it necessary to bother meeting with her anymore unless we had to.

IMO the only thing you should worry about is communicating with him for your CHILDREN. It took me awhile to realize this because I was so angry with him I cut him out of my son's life for a month or two. So please don't worry about her so much just focus on having a friendship with him for ur kids.. I know your hurt by what he has done but you will be fine and she will soon learn what kind of man he is and he wil most likely do the same thing to her he did to you.

Hi. I'm sorry to hear you are in this situation. And I totally understand how you feel. But I'm still going to suggest you suppress the urge to be too honest, because it might backfire in the end. If this relationship does go the distance, then you need to keep a civil relationship with her. And telling her you don't want her to see the kids yet will not go over very well. It may even ruin any chance you have of communicating with her in the future.

I agree with others, who he is with when the kids are around is not under your control. So you are going to have to let it go. And try and just get to know her little by little to ease your own anxieties. Remind your ex that your concerns are ONLY for your children and are not a reflection of him and who he is with. Your kids are your number one priority and you are just wanting to keep them safe. Maybe you can ask them both to stop by and say hello the next time he picks them up or something. Just tell him it is your sincere desire to get to know her. But DON'T make it an issue of you having to approve of her--you don't have any say in the matter. The more cordial you can be, the more opportunity you will have to get to know her. You don't want to push them away, it will only stress you out more if they shut you out.

Good luck.