Question for Wives of SAHD

I can only comment based on my sister and her husband's situation..
She is a full time bread winner and goes to school...so hubby does everything else. They share the meals everyother day though. He does all the yard work, grocery and running to pre school and back and gymastics and back and all that. He does shove the kids too her as soon as she gets home and she takes care of them....one night being bombed with dinner and watching them and another night of relaxing playtime while he is cooking. It seems to work pretty well.

He loves to cook more then her anyway, she is pretty tired coming home.
I think she never gets Her time. Maybe weekends or one night every month to go out with friends... they are just busy.

You should find some balance. alternating meal days and alternating chores . My hubby does dishes and garbage one month while I do the laundry and then we trade. He does all the yard work.

I haven't read the other responses. I work outside the home full-time, my husband is a SAHD full-time. He has been at home with our kids since my daughter was born (she will be 7 in June). While we've never sat down and said exactly who does what, we have a pretty good system.

He takes care of the kids all day, does all the laundry, cleans the house, cooks the meals. He does most of the grocery shopping too. He knows that I'd rather be home with the kids, but this is what works for us. So he knows that when I get home from work I don't want to have to deal with cooking or cleaning or laundry or whatever and by then he doesn't want anymore kid time. I just want to spend some time with my kids before they go to bed. After the kids are down he and I get time together.

So, when I get home from work the kids and I spend time together while he finishes dinner. We all eat as a family, then play a bit before bedtime. We take turns doing bath & bed time. Whoever does't put the kids in bed cleans up the mess from dinner and feeds the dogs.

Its a partnership. Neither partner should get more down time than the other. We both work jobs that are demanding. We are both parents. That means our jobs don't end just because the other one came home from work.

I'm sure you and he can sit down and figure out a better schedule that will make you both happy.

I'm a stay at home dad . . . because I retired.
Any man or woman that can fly a remote controlled helicopter after reading the instructions has the ability to read and understand a cook book, gather the ingredients, assemble them in the right order,and put the resulting food on plates and put it on the table.

When I was working full time (12 hours a day 5 to 6 days a week), I took the time to teach my kids how to find bargains in the sales ads, go shopping, bring the groceries home and assemble a meal worthy of thank you and occasional praise. I usually took 5 to 8 kids shopping with me so my wife could have some time to herself. I didn't do dishes (I hate doing dishes) or do much cleaning, but I did take out the trash and plant and weed a garden.

Having only 2 kids to watch over should be a breeze. You and he should sit down together and decide who should do what and when. Then work it out together. Ask him what you can do to make it easier on him and tell him what he can do to make it easier on you.

BTW, I had to "fight" rush hour traffic. Get some audio books. It will make you commute much better. (The library has them for free.)

Good luck to you and yours.

I have a reluctant sahd. Hes supposed to look for work 2 to 3 days a week and keep the kids the other 2 or 3. He does way more than 50 % of the work with kids and housework. But there are certain things that make me feel like he isnt pulling his share. Heres our routine.
I get up, go to work and everyones asleep. During the day they eat, play outside some and watch cartoons while dad watches tv and they all take a nap. Then more food and playing while dad watches tv. 30 minutes before i get home he starts the dishwasher and throws a load in the washer, picks up around the house a bit. I come home and him and the kids jump all over me, hugs and love and I'm hungry and competing for my time. Then I change clothes and we go work out or I start dinner. He sits with remote in hand for the next 4 hours and waits for me to bring him his dinner. Then He or I give the kids a bath. I put them to bed. Then I go to bed and he stays up for several more hours watching tv. If I need to run an errand after work, I have to go home and get everybody to go with me because he is constantly saying he needs to "get out of the house" Makes my 30 min errand into a 2 hour ordeal. The guilt from all that get out of the house stuff makes me go way overboard planning our weekends full of concerts in the park, free outings, carshows, festivals, there is always something planned. I also try to take everyone out to eat at least once a week and try to plan dates for he and i like basketball baseball games, nights out without the kids. I try to do the deep cleaning on the weeknds, but im so overbooked, that I sometimes dont. He does a good job keeping the house livable and the kids well taken care of. He has this moral opposition to doing my laundry though. Everyone elses laundry is done, but mine could sit in the laundry basket indefinately. It's strange because I dont mind doing his. He goes on about how hard the kids are on him, but when I pop in for lunch they are usually in thier rooms and hes laying on the couch watching tv. It's not unusual for me to leave the house at 8 am and not even sit down on my couch until 9 or 10 pm. I sit down and this guy that has watched 20 hours of tv in the last 24 has the remote. what a life sometimes!

I am currently a SAHM, but have also been the bread winner (while husband stayed at home and I went outside of the home) and a work from home parent (while husband worked outside of the home).

So, from the standpoint of having a taste of both sides, I say this:

Your husband NEEDS and DESERVES a break. YOU also NEED and DESERVE a break.

Here's my suggestion (what worked for us): When you come home, your husband takes a 30, 45, 60 (or how ever long is agreed on) min break. He gets to unwind, surf the computer, take a bath, read a book or whatever he wants. Housework is NOT considered a break. Afterwards (or before, depending on what works best), you take the same amount of time for yourself. You aren't doing housework or tending to the children during this time.

Afterwards, the family hangs out and functions together. Dinner is cooked, eaten and cleaned up together. While you cut and fry, he could read the children a story, or help them help you toss the salad. Separate chores are accomplished too. If you, for example, are doing the dishes the little one could stay with you while he and your eldest go outside to mow the lawn (or whatever). General clean up, could also be fun and done as a team. Eldest helping by picking their toys up with Mom, Dad hangs with baby and folds laundry.

Chores are a lot easier and more fun with adult help/company.

Being a stay at home parent is work. Being a working parent is also work. Both of your time/jobs are equally needed, valuable and beneficial. Both of you need to have breaks and rest as well. If it's going to be fifty-fifty, it HAS to actually BE fifty-fifty and each of you needs to feel valued and value the other's role. Give each other space to have (equal) breaks, and work as a team. HARD to do (for us) but possible (I hear).

I am guilty of doing this to my husband, but only every once in a while. If it's been a pretty lousy day, then yeah he may end up doing a little more. I've been at both ends of the spectrum though, working mom and stay at home mom, to me it seemed I got more breaks at work! My husband does most of the cooking, cause honestly he is better at it. But, while he is cooking I manage my daughter. I usually make sure the kitchen is clean, and I pick up everything during nap time, but but time he comes home the rest of the house looks like a tornado went thorough. My daughter is two and half and just now learning about cleaning up. But, at night I seem to notice that I am the one who bathes her, make sure she brushes her teeth, applies her medication, gets her ready for bed, and cleans her room before she goes to sleep. We switch every other day for who actually puts her to bed, but she loves to sleep so that's really neither her nor there. You basically turn on her music and cover up and you're done. Sometimes I wonder why I am still doing all of this on HIS night to put her to bed.

sounds like maybe you need to really clearly lay out whose responsibilities are whose.

you also need to make clear what your expectations are when you get home from work. Do you need 15 minutes to decompress? Do you need to divide and conquer? (eg: you take the kids and he makes dinner?). Balancing out parenting and housekeeping duties is hard.

i am SAHM to 3 young kids and am also a student. (my "me" time is really just time for me to study at this poing). I do 90% of the chores, but my husband has things that he just does automatically without me asking (like doing the dishes at night after we eat, chaning the sheets and putting away the laundry) which makes a big difference. He gets home after the kids are asleep at night, so there is no chance to dump them on him :)

talk about how you are feeling - and ask your husband as well. I am sure that there is extra gender-related pressure/anxiety that he is feeling being in a less traditional role.

Mom's and dad's are just different. Men and women are different. I think it's really hard to have a truly equitable household. Men often don't care enough about chores and just let things go. Mom's instinct is to have as clean a household as possible (at least mine is), so we end up doing more, chore-wise. My breakdown is very similar to yours. But we BOTH work all day. neither of us stays at home, excpet me during the summer.

I pick up the kids and I get home about an hour before my husband. It's the "second shift", I immediately go into kid-mode or chore-mode or dinner-mode. The whole evening is about the kids or keeping thehouse in order (people fed and washed and laundry clean being the main things). No, there is no "me time" for me. None. When my husband gets home, he gets a shower, takes his time, farts around in the yard until he really needs to step up and either watch the kids or make dinner. Then he watches TV while I bathe them and get them in bed... He does the bare minimum during the week. He makes up for it on the weekend though when he will help a lot with major chores and spend more time with the kids.

I agree, the car ride home does not count as "me time" ha! Although, my car ride home consists of picking up my kids, so I am usually tortured with kid music the whole way! At least you can listen to your own tunes on the way home from work :)

During the summers, I don't work. So I take care of the kids all day and the house stays much cleaner, laundry stays done, we have plenty of time left to do fun things together and just enjoy each others company. Things go much more smoothly, I'm more relaxed. I think you are very fortunate to have one parent able to stay home during the day on a full-time basis. maybe you can get him to do a bit more during the day so there are less responsibilities in the evening (or hire a housekeeper once a week?)

When you think about it, any of us moms, working or SAHM, can get as much "me time" as we want, if we are willing to sacrifice time with our kids. I could easily hire a babysitter one night a week and go do my own thing for a few hours. Or ask my sister to watch them. Then go out either with or without my husband. But why would I do that when I am gone at work all day without them already? I figure I should maximize my time with my little girls, someday they won't wanna hang out with me at all and I'll have plenty of "me time".

Good luck, dividing responsibilities evenly, getting quality time with eachother and keeping our sanity is a constant evolving issue at our house! It's easy to get overworked and overtired with small kids in the house. I keep waiting for the perfect formula too! Some weeks are great, others... ugh, we just get through them :)

So when does HE get time off or time to himself?

Kids, when the other parent comes home, naturally do bombard that parent. The kids not being thrown 'at' you.

Being a Stay Home Parent... is hard. AND keeping up the home and the responsibilities.
Him doing that, instead of a Daycare, is admirable. For a guy.

Naturally, once the other Spouse comes home, they have to help in the house and with the kids, too. It just is.

Just make a list on a poster board, and fairly, delineate what he will do and what you will do. This includes: home upkeep, kids upkeep, putting them to bed, bathing them, cooking, feedings etc. EVERYTHING.
It is not gender based... except he can't breastfeed.

I am a SAHM. Once my Husband comes home, HE is on-call. He knows that. It is not a 'choice'... it is a have to. HE is a parent too. HE is a part of the family. HE is, home. HE is therefore, having to be partaking IN the DAILY home upkeep and kid upkeep. Too. And giving the kids, HIS time too.
As for time off or 'his' time... that depends on planning ahead and not just expecting it or ignoring me or the kids, when it is needed that HE participate.
My Husband is very busy, he works and goes to school and works at home once he is home. BUT... it is important to him, that he spends time with the kids once he is home. AND to help ME.... otherwise, he will have a resentful, Wife.
A parent, does not pick and choose, 'when' to help or not. It is assumed, that you DO help. Whenever. IF you want time off... then you say so, and fairly, carve out some time, for yourself. Sometimes you can, sometimes it cannot be. That is family life with kids.

To have time to yourself... then you BOTH sit down, and communicate that, fairly. By knowing.. .that you BOTH need time off and it is important. So, even if it is 1 hour.... you both decide, when and how, that can be done.

For me and my Husband, I tell him once he is home, (after I have been with the kids ALL day 7 days a week) that I NEED time off or I will get bitchy. So, on the weekends, he will take them out. During the week, IF and when I need help, I simply tell him. He also helps with the kids getting to bed and doing the dishes and playing with them so I can at least, sit down. Because, I RARELY get to sit down for more than 15 minutes, by myself.

I think, you have to consider your 'expectations' of your Husband being a SAHD, and his needs too for his alone time and time off. Then, considering your needs and time that you need to spend with the kids. It requires, toggling off.... of both of your times with the kids and household duties.
It is constant... time management and flexibility.

I don't know why, despite all he does, 'why' you think he is NOT doing his full part?????
He was home with the kids, all day.
That is not easy.
It is stressful, let me tell you.
It is tiring.
It is flustering.
It is, never a relaxing dull moment.

Could you kindly send this to every stay at home mom you know?

You do know you have just answered what is in the mind of every dad that gets bashed by them.

Not saying either is right or wrong it is just interesting.

I know when I was a stay at home mom I would have been happy to get some me time but pretty much he was so awful at watching the kids it would mean the whole next day cleaning up after what looked like a tornado hit the house. The other thing was he never picked up after himself. Other than those complaints I happily did all the house work including what is consider man's work, like lawn care, house maintenence.

Working now and having a more useful man we do split the chores down gender lines. Still we do look at what the other has on their plate. If he hasn't mowed the lawn and the health department is starting to do drive bys I will mow the lawn. I figure work is working him too hard and he just doesn't have it in him. If he gets home and finds the health department is peering in the windows he will clean the house, dishes, whatever. He assumes work is kicking my butt and I don't have it in me to do it or I mowed the lawn and now am behind on my girl chores. :p

I think in any relationship as long as personal time is equal when looking over periods of time and there is time for together time, then things are fine. If you are not getting enough personal time then say hey, I have too much on my side of this balance sheet, can I have a hand.

schedules work this out.

yeah-that is what SAHM's do!

When my husband gets home he gets the kids. his job is Bath time, and bed time.
Sitting in your car, by your self listening to whatever you want on the radio. or just having silence IS 'me' time!

You don't mention the ages of your kids ...

Try to see it from his point of view. If you were the SAH and he was working you might do the same thing! I have an SIL who has been known to be standing at the door or in the driveway when BIL comes home.

I would try to work with him in that when you get home, you need about 30m of 'down time from the commute' and then he can have an hour of 'Dad' time.

M.

How about both parents working, but dad would prefer being at home situations? I'm guessing that input is welcome too. : )

Do I think I'd be satisfied with the situation where my husband was a SAHD? On some levels, DEFINATELY! My husband is wonderful about cleaning, but throughout the week, I know I'd have a similar situation as far as dealing with the kids and dinner (along with cleanup)... Which to me isn't far different than now while we're both working. We both do some cleaning on the weekends to be fair for both of us. However, I'm always the one to make dinner and most of the time getting the kids handled in the evenings.

Now... Having said that... I would try and choose my words carefully when talking to him about this. Try to put yourself in his 'shoes' before saying anything (which sounds like you're already doing).

As far as personal time... My husband is out in the garage or doing some sort of project or yard work after we get home... Just about every day.

We try to work together with everything. We actually work in the same place (outside the home) as well. So, I'd have to say, we'd still try to manage to do the same if he were a SAHD.

One thing I'd expect to be different than now is, he'd be the one to make appointments, grocery shop, and choose what we're having for dinner. I wouldn't expect him to make dinner, but I'd like to not have to figure it out all the time.

Oh! And the personal time.... HA! I rarely get that. To me... Mine gets that all the time. But to be fair, he would never stop me from doing what I want to do either.

I think you've got to cut your DH some slack. I know if my husband was a SAHD I would automatically have to change my standards for what the house would look like when I came home because we see different things, its just the way it is. But on the other hand, certain other things that I don't do now while I am the SAH parent would probably be done without asking. Bottom line, you two need to sit down and split the responsibilities to what you think is fair. Also given you haven't seen your children all day and vice versa, its normal for them to jump you when you get home. If you need a minute to put your stuff down, communicate that to your hubby as well. As far as our division of labor, I cook 80% of the time, he cleans up the kitchen 80% of the time. He does the laundry 90% of the time and I fold and put away about 98% of the time. I do probably 80% of the house cleaning but he will occasionally help with floors and or vacuuming when I can't get to it (my DD tends to scream when the vacuum comes out ...she thinks it hurts me I think lol). My husband gets the baby in the am when she gets up, changes her diaper and brings her to me to nurse (she is 16 mos almost) - he goes back to bed, then when she is done he takes her out to play and feed her bfast M-F. I get about an hour in the morning to go to the bathroom and sometimes shower in peace or sleep a bit more. I handle baby duty all day and bathe/put her to bed daily M-F. as my husband gets home around 730p. On weekends, we try to do family time together and I do the things I can't do while the baby is around (deeper cleaning, cooking for the week). He gets me time in the car and on his break at work and sometimes in the am before his work when he watches his scifi shows. I take advantage of naps for me time and on occasion (like once every few months) I get a pedicure. We spend every night together eating dinner and watching television or a movie - it actually sounds like you guys need more TOGETHER time instead of me time.

My husband stays at home...when he didn't and I did, he did garbage, mowed the lawn, and cooked. Now I do all the laundry and he is supposed to do all else.

He's a great cook, get our daughter to school and picked up on time, lets me sleep in, and lets me have my time out with the girls, but the dishes are never done, the floor is constantly covered in crumbs, spills, clothes, etc...It drives me batty! And every time I see him if he's not cooking, he's playing computer games...grrr...He won't even remember to put the wet clothes in the dryer if I have to leave, I have to call and remind him.

I haven't read all the responses but am excited to see something I can utilize =) I'm working 55 hours a week and still on both school PTAs/boards.

I agree with a lot of what S.H said already said.

I'm a SAHM. It' is NOT relaxing. It is not sitting around watching TV and Hanging out all day.
Like today. Last night I got 3 hours of sleep. I cook, clean, laundry, handle business my husband can't do from his work, and take care of my 2 1/2year old and 7month old.

MY husband works until 7pm, gets home around 7:30ish.
When he comes home, our kids are ALL over him. He helps with getting them set at the table for dinner, bed times, baths, etc after he works all day.

When the babies are in bed, it is our RELAX time.
He does what he wants, & I do what I want. That usually ends up being something we do together.
On the weekends, he tries his best to let me sleep in, or take naps during the day while he hangs with the kids.

He tries his best to give me time alone. Considering my daughter is breastfed that is hard to come by.

How is he getting his alone time??

You've gotten a ton of great responses...so I don't have much to add...
Is there anything you could do to make your drive more enjoyable so it feels like "me time"? One person here suggested audio books. Do you have a favorite coffee or tea beverage that you could drink, favorite music to listen to, something like that? To help the drive be a peaceful unwinding time?
Also, could you do crockpot meals, or freeze ahead meals so that you don't have to do a whole meal when you get home? Maybe hubby could make a salad to go along with it.

But YES, you really do need to sit down and talk about your expectations... BOTH of yours. Try coming at it from his POV first, maybe asking him if there's anything you can do to make his job easier...maybe he'll respond in kind. Either way, try not to attack him - that will only put him on the defensive and it won't give you a good conversation.

Good luck!

how come he doesn't have dinner cooked?, I would say he should also do that and maybe you do the dishes. You need to relax too. Generally a SAHM does everything. I can see him wanting "time" to himself, but, everynight? can't he wait until the kids go to bed?. I always took care of the inside and he took care of the outside (chores) and I worked, and took care of our son, then had to take care of it all, hmmm , just another reason I'm not married anymore, when the kids are little like they are, usually the personal time comes after they are in bed, reserve 1 night or day each month where you get together with GF's and he do the same with guy friends, also have a date night 1 time a month, THAT is really important...