Question for Twin Parents

Just a reminder that this is the first year of the extended daylight savings dates, the time change this year will not be until Nov. 2, so you have plenty of time to get them ready.

Hi Heather,
I've actually wanted to contact you to see if you would be interested in playing together. My boys also just turned a year. They were two months early, though, so they're a little behind as far as wrestling moves. I can say, though, that the big guy has always been ahead, and always been the loud dominant one. Takes stuff away from the little guy all the time. He's already taken a few steps, and the little guy just recently started crawling. I try to come to his rescue most of the time, but have allowed him to try to defend himself because it seems to have helped in his strength and development. They actually are playing together a little more now.
As far as sleep patterns, mine wake up around 6 (they babble on the monitor) but we don't go in there until 7 to get them. Maybe just try that and see what happens. You can play with their feedings, too, to help them adjust.
Let me know if you want to try to get together. I'm in north denton.

As far as the sleeping goes, I would not bother preparing them for the change. I would just wait until it happens. It will be a battle either way and I don't see any reason to bring it on sooner than necessary.
As far as the dominance, I am a boy/girl twin and I have 6 year old boy/girl twins. Both my daughter and I are the more dominant. I did all the talking for him and took things away, but when he got older he began to take things from me and hit me. My parents stepped in when it was too physical. I feel as if we are both very independent and close. We talk almost every day. Our spouse have learned to except it and give us our space. I did about the same w/ my twins. When she would take a toy away and I was a witness, I would give the toy back to him. If I was not sure who had it first, then it went to time out for atleast 5 minutes. By that time, they will have moved on and forgotten about it. When they are physical with each other, I remind them that someone might get hurt. If that does not work, then I wait until someone starts to cry and they both go to timeout to think about what they did. I believe it is a little of both. Sometimes you need to step in and sometimes you need to let them work it out. However, they need some guidence at first. My twins share very well now. I am not saying that they never fight over toys, but it is very rare. If it can be split in half, they will do it on their own. Otherwise, they will sometimes ask me to set the timer for 10 minutes and then they will switch. I hope this helps.

Heather,
I am a mother of twins and am actively involved in the local mothers of multiples group AMAMOM, Allen McKinney Area Mothers of Multiples. www.amamom.org. We have a New and Expectant moms group that meets at 6pm to discuss issues JUST like this, and more. As a matter of fact, our president just moved from California last year too. Her name is Christi Frietas.
Please check out our website and visit us at the meetings, send the president an email and or just start going to the playgroups to meet other parents of twins that are about the same age as yours. It was VERY helpful for me in the early years of raising twins.

Good luck.
Michelle
mother to 5 1/2 year old twin girls who went to Kindergarten this year!

Looks like you alredy have some great answers. I have twin boys that are 2 and a half. They have flip flopped dominance many times in the last 2 years. I really feel like they are testing the world around them and you have to set the boundaries. I have one that is super sensitive and I have to make the other one understand that he is hurting him. I am super sensitive so I think you should protect the other one. You don't want them to feel unsafe or terrorized. I also didn't want the dominate one to think he could get away with this. We use love and logic. It is not too early for time outs. We started at 1. They didn't get it at first but over time, they will get it. Remove them or the object was our game plan. we still do that today. We also use the kitchen timer and say it is brother's turn right now but when the time goes off (1 to 2 minutes)it is your turn. They figure this out very quickly.
I am also a member of North dallas mother of twins. We have a board you can post questions on to other moms of multiples. It has been an invaluable resource for me! hang in there!

Hi Heather,

I would also recommend Love and Logic for the discipline issues. It's a great way to help foster their individual identities, but make it clear what is and isn't appropriate in the way they treat each other.

As far as the time change goes, I've found that it didn't really matter one way or the other. I stressed out major the first time around and moved the bedtimes in increments until it was adjusted the full hour, etc, etc. With the second set of twins, I'm so much more relaxed. I just waited until the change and started adjusting their bedtime then. The first night I adjusted it by 30 minutes and next night the full hour. Yes, they were up early for a couple of mornings, but then they were right on schedule. A couple of days hassle was much better than stressing about it for a month or weeks before!

Good luck with everything! I know it's hard, but isn't it awesome?!! I wouldn't trade being a twin mom for anything!

I have twin boys who are 18 months now. We always knew which one would be the dominate one. Around their 1st birthday we started to see the same actions as you described, hitting, wrestling, etc. As parents along with the sitter they go to during the day use time out. I didn't think it could be very effective with a one year old, but it was and still is. (cross my fingers for that to continue)Make sure if you choose to go with the time out option that it is a not a place they play, eat, sleep, etc. Like don't put them in their crib. We go into a corner in our entry way. They face the corner and when time is up, usually about 1 min. they come give whoever they hurt, hit, whatever a hug and kiss and an attempt at saying I am sorry. Make sure you also enforce with both not just the dominate one, because the other one will act out at times to.

As for the sleeping pattern we have been very blessed. Our twins started sleeping through the night at 7 weeks and have been great sleepers. Around bed time we ask who is ready for bed and make the sign (we use sign language for alot of stuff) and they go to the crib, we put them in, they lay down, we kiss and cover them up and thats it until the next morning. As for the time change, the last time the time changed we just adjusted the timing of when we put them down. The first few nights might be difficult, but this is the case with most routine changes.

Good luck, congratulations, and enjoy every minute. It just gets better! I love it.

Heather,

My twins are just now 16 months old. They take 1 nap/day from approx. 1 - 3:30 and then they go to bed at 7:00 p.m. and wake up around 7:30 a.m. If I were you, I would recommend going in their room when they wake up and say "shhh, it's not time to wake up yet" and keep it quiet so they can go back to sleep a bit longer. It sounds like they're over-tired from not getting enough sleep. My twins started waking up early in the a.m. and I would do what I suggested and even if they didn't go back to sleep, they would stay quiet in their cribs for at least another 1/2 hour.

My larger twin is more aggressive, but my smaller twin is no saint either. I would say let the boys do what comes naturally, as long as the wrestling doesn't get too rough to where someone gets injured. You certainly don't want to discourage them playing together under any circumstances.

Best of luck!
K.

I don't have twins but I am a twin. I was the dominant twin. I wouldn't protect the gentler twin as this doesn't prepare him for later in life. My parents decided when my twin and I went to college they weren't going to pay for us to go to the same school. This was the first time we had ever been apart. Because my twin brother was coddled throughout his life and I continued to dominate him, he wasn't prepared to interact well with others when he didn't have the tools to push his way through. Needless to say he chose a different road that nearly killed him. It was a hard lesson to learn. From experience I would try to raise your boys to interact well but help develop and foster their separate identities. This might be easier said then done, but it will make a huge difference later on. You might also get in touch with a multiples support group.

Hi,
I have twin boys who are 3. One of my boys is more dominant. We simply taught them how to play appropriately. My boys wrestle, but just in fun. Teach the gentle one how to use his words. I know your boys are still very young, but try telling the dominant that his brother doesn't like playing rough. Tell them that it makes him sad. Eventually, he will get it. But definetely teach the other one to speak up.

You need to teach both children how to play properly with other children. It's going to be hard to start introducing time out to a 1 year old, but you must do so since he is hitting another child. Be consistent, be calm, explain that we do not hit, and put him in time out for 1 minute. After you put him in time-out, comfort your other son as you would any child that gets hit by your child. As soon as possible, I recommend joining a play group or put your twins in Mother's Day Out to teach them to interact with many children; that will help to ease the dominance factor. I have 2 sets of twins and throughout their toddler & preschool years they periodically switch dominance. The one we expected to be the bully in her toddler years is now the whiner and the one we expected to whine is now the dominant one. But they change back and forth as they search for new boundaries. Consistence in treatment is very important. If you are in Plano, check out the Plano Area Mothers of Multiples at www.pamom.org. You can get many many resources there and hook up with twin play groups and an on-line toddler twin mom bulletin board. good luck.

Hi Heather I am mom to twin girls, almost 15 months. Mine are naturally going to bed earlier too because of the upcoming time change. I think it's worth a try to put them to bed later, start with 30 minutes and maybe work up to an hour. My husbanc has to get up early for work so I started getting up with the babies at 6am. The good thing about me doing that was that the babies nap longer during the morning. Around that time we also had to start going into the nursery and changing their diapers at 10pm so that they wouldn't wake us up at 3 with a leak. gotta go hope that helps. -e.

Hi Heather, my twins are almost 2 1/2 now, but I have vague memories of when they turned 1! :) We have a boy and a girl and he has always been more dominant and aggressive with her. I can't say that I've taken a hard line in either direction. With something like biting, I've put Andrew in time-out, etc. But with less minor offenses, I encourage Caroline to defend herself by telling her brother not to do something or that it wasn't nice. I know dynamics are different with two boys, but I guess we let things play out unless one is intentionally hurting the other (which probably doesn't happen until they are a little older than yours).

For your second question, I remember noticing that our babies would sleep later when we put them to bed later, but I never moved them from an 8 to 9 bedtime permanently. When the time changes, they usually wake up a little early for a few days and then get back to their normal wake up time. I also wouldn't rush in their room if they were happy.

D.

I would just start off the bedtime change in 20 or 30 min and work up to the hour, as that is quite a bit of time to them. I would watch closely to make sure the gentle one doesn't really get hurt, but try and let him defend himself, as you can't always be there to protect, on the other hand they are about old enough to try and catch the dominant one and try and tell him to play nice etc. But the yanking toys from each other at this age is so common, its going to happen anyway.

I would definitely be protecting the more gentle one and I would compromise with the time. Put them down at 8:30 and then if that works you could go until 9. If it doesn't work it will only be 30 minutes and you can start putting them back down at 8. Good luck and God Bless!

I have boy/girl twins that just turned 3 in August. At age one, my son took everything from my daughter. I didn't get involved unless it really upset her. She was the "giver", he was the "taker" & it seemed to work out great that way.

As others have mentioned, the roles reverse & change. My daughter was put in time-out yesterday from slapping her brother at pre-school. She continually pulls his hair, hits him, etc. & he doesn't do it back but lets me know so I can discipline her, not him. You DEFINATELY want to assure them you will be there to make things fair.

I read or someone once told me, "don't get involved unless they need you to". They will work things out on their own.

Good luck. About the sleeping...my son tended to wake us up every morning at 5:30. We didn't need to get up until 7:30 so we had to tell him to go back to sleep for a while. We put dark film over his window in hopes to trick his sense of time. He's still the first one to rise but it's closer to 7.

I've also found that it doesn't really matter what time we put them to bed, they wake up at the same time (generally). You want them to get the rest so I wouldn't change their times too much or you'll have a couple of sleepy guys!

Instead of working with the one boy who is more gentle/less dominate, I would work on the dominate one. Teach him to share, play nice, etc.

With our twins the girl did all the talking and the boy didn't speak till he was 3! We finally had to tell the girl that, while we appreciate her answering questions for her brother, we needed to hear from him what he wants for dinner, what games he wants to play, etc.

As far as sleeping, I wouldn't make the 1 hour jump right away. I would start delaying the bedtime routine in 15-20 minute increments. After a week, they should be right on target.

Welcome to Texas!

Hi Heather,
I am also the mother of three year old twin boys. One of mine is definitely more dominant than the other (which is funny because he's 10 lbs. lighter and 2-3 inches shorter!). I had to start working with them about the age of yours on being gentle, no hitting or pushing, etc. We started using timeouts and made them hug and apologize after timeout for phyical altercations. Well, two years later, the less dominant twin is definitely learning to hold his own now - tis the nature of competitive multiples I guess. We're still working on the no hurting because I don't want them to be 16 year old young strong men going at it one day.
About the time change, going to bed later usually has mine sleeping a little later so if your schedule can handle it, then definitely give it a try.

I know this sounds odd- but actually put them to bed earlier. LIke around 7:00 or 7:30. I thought that my friend was nuts for suggesting such a thing- I though my child would wake up at 4:00. But he doesn't.

A great book on sleep is Healthy Sleep habits, Happy Child. It was recommended to us by friend who used the methods and it worked for them and for us. My son was sleeping through the night at 10 weeks old and has continued to do so unless he has been sick. He take 1 nap a day from around 11:30-2:30 or 12-3 (but use to take 2 naps approx. 1 1/2-2 hours long). The book goes into reasons the methods work, etc... and when to change sleep times. You don't have to read the whole scientific stuff, just the methods- they work great.

I cant' offer advice on twins by any means, but when the time changes come in the fall, I usually end up putting the kids to bed a little later each day for a few weeks prior and it has made the transition more smooth for us. Now, what to do in the spring is still beyond me. I have yet to figure out what to do there.