Question for Moms with Sensitive Boys (School Age, Elem, Jr High, High School)

As a teacher, my only suggestion would be to think about the fact that it never even crossed your mind to hold your son back until someone told you to. Your gut instincts were telling you that you hadn't found the right school for him yet...not the wrong grade. Because he is smart make school just that...a place to advance his learning and mind. Together with your son you will find extra curriculars that he loves and that he will be good at. All kids compare themselves to other kids that is just life, and it will never go away. The best way for you to build his confidence is let him excel in school.

What exactly are you referring to when you say "sensitive"? I have what I would call a more sensitive boy. He is 11 yrs in 6th grade. He has a July birthday and will be 12 over this summer.

My son doesn't cry and never has been a "crier". But he is sensitive to others' feelings and is very quick to apologize and want to make someone else feel better if he sees they are upset (usually his younger sister, lol). He is quick to get his feelings hurt if he feels like he has disappointed you in some way. And quick to become angry with himself if he feels like he has made a mistake of some kind. I would never have thought of him as a leader... always more of a follower... but in a good way: He respects authority and doesn't get into trouble, generally speaking. And he wants everyone to be included in games and is quick to befriend other kids. He will accede his wishes if it means that someone else gets to play too. He does have a lot of creative ideas though, and while I have never seen him insist on playing "his" game... the "group" often ends up doing some version of his ideas... So maybe he leads in a more suggestive way, rather than forceful... which is a good skill to have, imho.

So if that is the kind of thing you mean by 'sensitive', then, yes, my son is. I worried a little about him at the beginning of this year, starting middle school. He seemed so much smaller than the 7th and 8th graders I saw at the school. But then I saw him with his friends (and this was his first year in public school, so it was ALL new for him, including his friends) and all his friends are smaller like him. They just haven't hit their growth spurt yet. Although, he has recently pudged out in the waist (a FIRST for him) and has some aches behind the knees that seem to indicate imminent growth! So next year.. he will be one of those "big" 7th graders. :)

My son has been doing Tang Soo Do since he was 5 yrs old, and has had mentor/friendships with older boys through church families since he was about 3 yrs old. He acquits himself very well with ALL ages, including adults.

I think it depends on what your son is exposed to and comfortable with. My son has always been almost the youngest kid in his class. But I happen to think that the quality of the kids in the class has a lot to do with how that affects the kids. His karate class has a huge range of ages in it, and my son has almost always been one of the youngest. He is a higher rank than many teens, because he started so young, and he "helps" them with their skills in class sometimes. All the instructors (some are late 50's, some are as young as 21) are wonderful role models and mentors to ALL the students. And they don't shy away from teaching the younger kids to have respect for themselves along with other people. They teach the students how to show respect, while simultaneously showing respect to their students (listening without interrupting, looking them in the face/eye when speaking, "yes ma'am" "yes sir", along with the respect that accompanies martial arts in particular - higher rank is in the front row in class, bow to instructor when handing them items, thank target holders, bowing to flags upon entering the classroom, etc.)

Sorry to go off on a tangent about karate. But it has been such a blessing in reinforcing the values we instill in our kids. And it is a huge confidence builder as well. Not just the physical aspect, but the mental/emotional confidence as well. They do compete with each other (through sparring), but the goals are to improve yourself... not to be better than someone else. There's no "I can't do this as good as so and so"... the focus is on doing it better than YOU did before.

If you are not comfortable starting your son this year.. then by all means do what you feel is right. That is all we as parents CAN do. But don't base your whole decision off of the story of another parent and HER child. Her child is not yours, and you should be cautious about projecting her misgivings onto your son. Just as I have no regrets about starting my son "on time", my son is not your son. Only you know what is best for him.
Good luck with this momentous decision.

C.,

My oldest son is 24 and I've often wished we'd held him back. He had a March birthday and we never even considered holding him back. But, he, too, is/was a sensitive child/man. Yet, he's very bright. However, in about third grade, it became apparent that his self-esteem was suffering and began to show in his grades. From that year until HS graduation, we had so much trouble with grades and then the social issues began around fifth grade. During that year, a BFF turned on him and, truthfully, my son was never the same. As a young adult, we put him in counseling and it helped. But, I've always felt that if we'd held him back, he would have had that extra year of maturity to handle these issues better. But, maybe not -- we'll never know. But, I would have liked to have given him that chance.

If you do decide to hold him back, please make sure he's enrolled in an academic challenging environment next year. Being bright, he needs to continued to be challenged in that area.

HTH,
R.

Hi C., I would talk with the schools that you are deciding on. I have noticed so many more children are being held back by choice and starting kindergarten a year later. I think no matter what the age there will be different types of children in every class and a little independence goes a long way toward confidence. My son has a late Oct. birthday, which makes him the youngest in his class. He started kindergarten before he turned five. He is in 2nd grade now and is 7 1/2. There are boys that are in his class that will be turning 9 before the summer is over. Even with this huge age difference he is still at the top of the class in many areas, and at the bottom in some. He would have been so bored if I waited an other year. And challenging them builds character and confidence. Good Luck, I am sure you will know what the right decision is for your son, and there still is a little time.

Whether with a boy or girl... the emotional maturity is very important... and the timing of entry into school.
A child can be mega smart... brain wise... but that does not mean they are "ready" emotionally or mature.
If not, they can have a hard time... in all social respects... or they will adapt.

There is no right or wrong. It is about YOUR child, and your Mommy radar-gut-instinct.... about what is best for your child.

I have a 3.5 year old... and he is real smart and social... but his maturity is different than my daughter's was at that age. So, I have to think about that... and not in comparison to my daughter. My son is not "immature"... but just a boy... and being born late in the year... I might wait. Because as you said... they will either be among the youngest in the grade level/class... or among the oldest... depending on when they were born or their "maturity."
My Daughter on the other hand is born late, but started school early.... she is fine socially AND academically, and on par for both. But she is more mature emotionally, than even the kids who are a year older. So for her, it is fine. I knew, it would be alright for her... based on who she is and her overall ability.... so that is why we started her in school early, for a later born child.

Really evaluate it... and if he will be compromised in his self-confidence if ALL the other kids are doing things he yet cannot do or is not ready for...
Some kids are very precocious... this does not make them "better" or "smarter" than your kid.... it is about emotional and attitudinal comprehension... and agility and maturity.

All the best,
Susan

Sounds to me like it maybe in your sons best interest to be held back a year. I learned from my son that even though he is a younger one in his class in kindergarten, he actually has gained confidence with things that he has learned he is better at then some of his friends. Seems like your son is advanced for his age and holding him back a year though may not be a good idea. We have figured out that my son is a fast learner and there is things in his kindergarten class that are repetative (learning to write letters which he has known how to do for almost a year before starting school) that he gets bored easily doing things that he is good at doing and therefore becomes sloppy doing it and at times does it incorrectly because he is bored and does not want to do it. This may be something that happens to your son since he will be learning the same things again by being held back. I know it was not alot of help on making a decision but it is something to think about! Also they say that as the kids get older they gain confidence because they learn there is things that they are better at. You may want to try to get him to focus on those things and not the things that he is not good at or that someone is better at and see if that helps his confidence!

You just described my son. He has a July birthday and I started him at 5. He was ready for Kinder in PK3. On top of that, he has always been the tallest in his class, even though he was the youngest. My son is much more immature than the other kids and takes things very hard. He is also a crier. I think they just get so frustrated that the other boys don't have the same struggles. He has alot of issues relating to the other kids becasuse most of them are and have been a year older than him, even with them in the same grade. It's amazing how much a year makes a difference with boys. I talked to his teacher and she said it takes time for them to mature out but agreed that my son should not of been held back when he started Kinder. He is a grade level above where he is but he has trouble making "best friends" in his grade level. He does better with the kids a grade level below his. But sadly, he feels he will be made fun of for playing with kids in younger grade levels. Even though they are the same age!! It's so hard on them being so young compared to the other kids. My son didn't want anything to do with Starwars till Kinder, so that may change for you. Now it's all I hear about!

Hey C.,

I'm so glad to hear that you have a very bright young man on your hands!! He seems to be headed in the right direction as far as school is concerned so.........................that means he needs to build his confidence with things such as sports (yes they do have tiny pee wee football. so cute). I don't think you should leave him behind because your going to hurt him, children will make fun of him in the long run. Boys are tougher then we women give them credit for. They don't need all that extra attention a girl does, because they are made a little different then we are. (smile) The one who seems to be a little sensitive is you mom. He is only 4 and his entire life of four years have been trying to discover the world, no yet himself. Try other outside activites and don't make a big deal out of it, because when you react he reacts with you.

His personality may be different then the other boys in his class, they may be out of control spoiled brats and your son may not want any part of that.

Good Luck

I have a very sensitive boy, as well. His birthday is on the actual cut-off date- Sept. 1st. So technically he could have started school "on time".
I chose to hold him back and have him be the oldest and it has been GREAT!
He was very ready academically for school at age 5- reading, math, writing, etc.... But he was definitely not ready on the emotional part.
Finally as a "retired" middle school teacher of 10 years, I can say that the boys that are younger (when all the other boys are "maturing" physically) are at a HUGE disadvantage. The horror stories I heard about in the locker rooms were enough for me to not wish any boy to be the youngest in his class.
Just my two cents,
R.

Sounds to me you KNOW what you should do.....listen to your gut.....many moms do that....we have Transitional Kindergarten in our preschool and the children all do well once in kinder......just from the signs you listed that he is struggling with.....this seems like a no brainer to me. Easier said than done, but you already know you know....moms just do, don't we?

If I could do it over again, I don't know that I would. Academically, he was ahead of his grade to begin with. I don't know if being even more 'smart' than his peers would have helped him. He is still somewhat more of a social hermit at 14 than I would like, but his 12 yo sister is a social butterfly and I'm not sure I prefer one over the other, KWIM?

Socialization is an important aspect of life, but if your son is a smart kid, being held back will only make him perceived as the even smarter kid, which will make it that much harder for him to form friendships as at that age, it's mostly peer equality. He's just like me, I'll be his friend.

It's a hard decision to make, I said earlier, I don't know that I would have even if given the choice to go back. He's turned out reasonably okay, just a little more introverted, but that's not a bad thing. His friends now seem to balance him out.

I raised an overly sensative boy. I think alot of it was due to the lack of dad I was divorced. Men relate better to other men. but to answer your question no I don't think holding him back will help him confidence. Mine was held back in high school3 times due to the screwy school systems here in okla. long story short I pulled him out of high school so he wouldn't be 21 when he graduated.

I sent hm to job corp. He found his niche fit in and self esteem went up greatly. It is almost impossible to get him to cry now unless of course there are girl problems. He tries so hard to make people happy and takes it personal if he can't make them happy. I tried the rewards and compliments and all the stuff they say to try. I tried to put him in karate for self confidence reasons and it just wasn't his niche. I didn't want to force it either. if kartate is something he might get into he has to be a rough and tumble person in order to like it it may raise his self esteem a whole lot.

I had to finally tell mine you aren't going to make everyone in the world happy they have to make themselves happy so he wouldn't take it so personal. something about job corp just boosted his confidence and I don't know what it was but everything I tried didn't work. Help him find his niche and his confidence will go up. I tried martial arts, football, baseball and boy scouts. boy scouts did help a little. I think alot of my kids was he was an only kid. I lived in the country where there were no other kids to play with and I worked 3 jobs since I wasnt getting child support. He was isolated and I think it effected his social skills. He wasn't so bad in grade school it was the upper years. He couldn't get his drivers liscence because of our states warped laws. so he had no outlet when I was at work. It's like he was stranded. At job corp he got around other kids his age. and his confidence went up. But job corp was a cliches of misfits. you put misfits together and they will find a cliche.

You can send me a private mail if you want to ask me more questions. Don't really know what to tell you other than help him find his niche get him around other kids his age with the same interest. If all the boys at school play baseball and he doesn't like it he won't fit in. Find something he will fit in at.