Here is some background info first. My in laws are not in good health.my mil has cancer and has gone to her brain. its effected her memory. i dont think is able to call us any longer. I have called my mil on a pretty regular basis our whole marriage. my husband was not so good calling his parents for years. i honestly think he would call more.. if his mom didnt tell him so often he should visit more call more when she leaves messages they are were never happy message always downers. did you forget you have a mom those type of messages. i have called fairly consistently the whold 16 yrs we have been married
.anyhow this week my husband was away 2 nights for work we sat down last night for dinner. he says to me have you called my mom the past couple of days. i said no. normally i say yes. its been a busy week we have 3 kids. 2 are still young. lots of homework. after school activities, doctor appt. then he actually says to me look at is a job they gave you money for christmas. i have no problem calling them it was a busy week. i am home full time cant he look at all the times i visited with the kids and called plus my mil was not kind towards me for many yrs
i let it go and didnt say anything but where does he get off. yes i am sahm but its a fulltime job and he is starting his busy season at work 7 days a week. usually until about 11 pm at night. he works hard but so do i and its hard work keeping the house clean, cooking,taking the kids to school, helping with homework, the kids activites
would you be hurt by that comment?
I would tell him to get over himself and give his dying mother a phone call.
So what she is a downer, apparently she has a reason to be b/c he doesn't seem to care about her or take initiative to call. She may be a beast to deal with, (I have family like that), but she's at the end of her life, and it's time to put those feelings aside.
His mom may be happy you call, but that doesn't replace her own son rejecting/ignoring her.
they are his parents, I think you are wonderful for trying to take up the slack but she may even resent the fact that you are calling not him. I know it is not your intention but maybe she feels like you are coming between them. You ARE enabling him to feel less guilty about not calling and visiting, and it would be SO much easier for her to blame you then to blame her own son. Displaced anger is very common. Tell him this woman raised him and deserves to hear from him I dont care how "not nice" her messages are. Picture yourself not hearing from your own children, how horrible would you feel? You should keep calling once or twice a month and visiting but get your ungrateful brat of a hubby (sorry) him to call and visit too. Dial the phone and say hello to her then hand the phone to him.
Wow, to say the least! First, I would remind him the gift and warm phone calls are two different things. Then, I would remind him (gently) how short life really is and tell him to pick up the phone, as I am sure his mother really yearns to hear him and not of him.
Do you think your MIL may have called and guilted your husband, prompting him to bring this up? I would remind him that you have always maintained communication with his mom, and that is your role as the mother of her grandkids. It is not your job to maintain his relationship with her as his stand in. You may have done that through the years, as an undeclared kindness to him out of love. But, if she is complaining, he needs to step it up. If she is dying, he needs to make time sooner than later. The job comment was just ridiculous. Maybe HE needs to look at it as a job to keep in regular verbal contact with his mother - she gave him life!
When family members feel guilty for neglecting their parents after they've become altered mentally or terminally ill... they attack those who DO look after their parents (health care workers, assisted living staff, other family members who've been in constant contact with them).
Tell him if he's feeling so guilty about neglecting his own Mother while you've always been the one to keep up with her - then maybe HE should call her every once in awhile.
i feel your frustration with the situation. my mil died of brain cancer a few years ago. it was so awful to see her not remember the people around her and even things that had happened that day:( i feel like regardless of the relationship your husband had with his mother, this is a new situation he is dealing with. you may have to be patient with his moods and comments until he can wrap his head around his loss. i don't know how talkative he is but maybe you should just sit him down and ask him how he's feeling and if he wants to talk about it without mentioning how you're feeling. it might help both of you:) i'm sorry you are all going through this and my prayers are with you and your family.
Geese don't call just because they got Christmas presents. Give them a call and check in but I would tell your hubby that you calling doesn't equal him needing to talk to his parents. I can see him being depressed and maybe he is trying to protect himself from a loss you guys know is coming. I lost my Dad last Dec to cancer and it's the moments you have to remember he is losing time every time he lets day go by without calling or going to see them.
I know it's hard to go through this and I am so sorry for you both. But gently talk to him about this.
So, since this is a "job" you are getting paid for, does that mean you get to keep all of the money she sends at Christmas time?
Yes my feelings would be hurt. But I think men often take for granted the things we do for them.
