Question About Behavior!

For one thing, you need to START NOW to make the distinction between hating the behavior or response and the person. THERE IS A HUGE DIFFERENCE. I can hate a behavior without hating a person.

Secondly, you need to talk EVERY TIME about an appropriate response and one that does NOT involve kicking and screaming. Have consequences for inappropriate behavior and acknowledge appropriate responses and behaviors.....hers as well as on TV or when you see another circumstance in a store, etc. AFFIRM what she NEEDS to be saying and how she should be responding. If they don't know an alternative, they can't respond accordingly.

Apply the "board of knowledge" to the "seat of learning".

I have practiced this and I have not had a problem with this kind of behavior from my children. I love my children and they love me-and they know what to expect if they start any kind of behavior like above mentioned.

Okay J., This may sound mean but I have to tell you it WORKED! My daughter at the age of 3 put her hand on her hip, worked her neck and head into a frenzy of circles and told me "I don't have to do what you tell me, EVER cause I don't like you!" I turned to her and asked her to repeat it and she immediately started to cry and say "I'm sorry momma, I'm sorry." I didn't want it to go any further, so I stopped it right there. I took out a Tony Packo's Pickle, cut it into fours (very small) and made her eat it. Why? The sting of the pickle I told her was how her words stung me and my heart and how much it hurt me to hear her talk that way. She to this day (she's 9) has never uttered those words again. I know it sounds cruel but I've heard of parents using Tabasco sauce! OUCH! Even I don't eat that stuff. If your uncomfortable with that, find something that would equally be a distaste for her. My only thing was that no matter how much it burned she was not allowed to spit it out. She had to chew and swallow. About kicking and screaming, of course that's an attention getter and I'm sure you walk many times back and forth to her room to tell her to stop. My daughter has never had a timeout in her room. I have always had her stand in the corner with her feet together, nose to the wall and hands at her side. If she screamed it would be an extra 2 minutes although she never did that because the sound of her voice reverberating back at her from the corner was deafening. If she asked me how much longer it was or moved her feet, took a step back, slouched, or simply got out of timeout an extra minute was added on. I also stood there for as long as she was in timeout and told her "I have nothing better to do than stand here and make sure you don't get out of the corner." I also took a minute or so to talk with her after her timeouts to tell her what she did was wrong and why, then tell her I lover her, kisses and hugs. I know I sound cruel but I have one of the best behaved children I know. She's polite, kind and thoughtful. Kicking and screaming and certain words are unacceptable so don't feel bad about disciplining her. It's merely correction. Good luck! -H.-

When my daughter has what I term massive hissies, I completely ignore her. I refuse to give her attention for bad behavior. She also tells me she is sorry. I always tell her she will never get what she wants by acting that way so she might as well stop throwing fits. Never ever give in to what she wants and she will learn acting like that is counterproductive. My daughter doesn't use bad words though. No "I hate you", or "Stupid". Let her know you love her no matter what she says to you. In my house stupid is a bad word. Tell her you don't use mean words to hurt her and it is unacceptable for her to use mean hurtful words to hurt you. I was told by a teacher that she didn't wash mouths out with soap, however she used vinegar. I tried it when one of my children said a bad word, I haven't heard a bad word since. Yuck!!! I used a medicine dropper and squeezed a little into his mouth. He hated it and told me he would never say a bad word again. If you need something extreme to get her attention you could try the vinegar. I have only done it once. It is a last resort. Good luck.

My 4 yr old does the same thing. The only thing I've been able to do is when he says he hates me, I tell him that no matter what I still love him. It doesn't always end the tantrum, but at least when he goes back and thinks about it, it gives him a little reassurance that he is loved. Good luck!

my mom always told me that when i did that to her she would always say "thank you i know i'm doing my job" it would always make us think.

My mother always taught me that when someone tells me that they hate me to respond with love. =) Whenever my boys would go through this stage I always responded with, "That's too bad because I sure love you with all of my heart!"

This will pass... it always does =)

Hi! I am the mother of three-ages 10, 7 and 5. My youngest has a habit of saying "I hate you" when he is made at me or my husband. My older two never went thru this stage. I have learned to say, "But, I love you." I figure I remember thinking I hated my parents, but never voice my opinion. My son is very outgoing and as long as he realizes afterward that it hurts Mom or Dad's feelings(I talk with him about this), then I can let it roll off my back. My husband, on the other hand, is offended and I usually tell him I "choose" to let this battle go with my youngest. I would rather him yell "I hate you" than kick, scream or throw things. Good luck! Debbie

OOhhh...My middle child used to do that and she was very good at those mind games. She still tries them at times and she's 10! She don't say I hate you or you hate me or those things anymore, she now says, "Everyone is always against me or Picking on me." When she was younger and said that everyone hated her or she hates everyone else, I would hold her and tell her that it was okay to be angry and feel the way she does, but for sure I know she doesn't hate anyone because hate is a very bad word and it means that you want that person dead. And I would ask her if she wants that person out of her life?!" I would also tell her that she should say instead of hate is that she is angry or mad at that person and when it came to her questioning any of us about our love for her, we'd always hold her and tell her how much we love her and we wouldn't know what to do with out having a beautiful person such as herself in our lives." Now that she says that everyone picks on her or is against her, I ask her why she feels that way and than we all sit down together and talk about our feelings and why we are upset or hurt. This is usually one of the best approaches. Now when they throw fits, such as slamming doors, hitting, throwing things and all that, I would ignore it as long as they are not hurting anyone or themselves. Than talk to her about all that. Ask her if there is another way she can get her anger out, such as talk or draw or color until all the anger and hurt is out?! When I've done that with my kids, they always chose to color, draw, write, paint, or read. Then I'd take their pictures and post them on the wall and let her know that I love the picture! I never once rewarded bad behavior, I've never bribed them to be good and I've never completely ignored them either. I always try to let them know I'm here for them when they need me to hold them, to talk to them or even just listen and that I will always love them no matter what. Some times kids get angry just like us adults that they too have to let out steam like we do or want to. Just try to stay positive! I really hope that this helps. :)

Respond only with love. Mirror what you want from her. Stop what you are doing take a breath and kneel down to her and tell her you love her. This won't work to stop the frustration but at the end of the event she will remember your kindness.
Ask her to explain why/what she hates. She doesn't know "hate" the way we do she just knows itis a strong word that fits her frustration. Maybe you can choose a better word to use. Remember that her emotions are just as valid as yours and sometimes we do "hate" something...a hammer that hits our thumb, a crazy driver that scares us...

If you can work on prepping her for things you know she won't like...we are leaving in 2 minutes, you can't have the candy when we get into the store etc. And try to yes more...surprise her with your yes to a lolly before dinner or some other treat she asks for.

all 4 of my kids wen thtrough the F^&^(ing fours. We made sure it didn;t last so long...
Respond to I hate you with... But I still love you and laways will now go do.... What ever it is you toldher to do that she hates you for. Be calm do not react. Stupid is a cuss word in my home and one time washing out the mouth with soup usually did the trick and my kids yell at dad if he says it. We have had several "groundings" sent to your ooms and I am calm on the out side and keep reminding htem their behavior is innapporpriate. It usually takes a few times of not letting htem outside with friends and standing your grund and they suddenly rememebr that you are a happy family and the bad behavior just isn;t worth it.

Enjoy!

I'm sure you have heard about rewarding good behavior. When you give your kids attention when they are bad sometimes it causes kids to think the only way to get mom's attention is by misbehaving. Think about how you are responding to her in different situations. It also looks like you have your hands full with 3 young children. It sounds like she doesn's like sharing you with the others. I can only suggest that you look how you are spending time with each one of them and try to come up with something with your husband's support that will allow the kids to each have time with you. Good luck to you.

my son went through that, i think at some point all kids do. i sat my son down after he was finished with his tantrum & told him it's ok to get mad and upset but it's not ok to hit or kick things that it took too much money to fix or replace things. i told him he felt mad enough to hit something then to hit his pillow until he wasn't mad anymore. that cured that one. as far as the hate thing goes, i toldmy son we don't "hate" anything, we can dislike someone or something, but we don't hate it. i told him when he told me he hatedme once that it made me very sad and i acted like i was crying, so he could see it hurt me, end of that one too. good luck with everything, it seems the older kids get the harder the stages get that they go through.

I have three daughters and they have all been through that stage but at different points. I tell then that I don't care I'm there mom and not there friend. Thats the quickest way to end it. Its there way of asserting there indepensence over you. Boys hit. Girls sure are mean and you can eventually let them know that it does bother you but she dosn't mean it. Remember that.Just hang in there it gets better.

I have gone through this with my children. I tell them it is ok to be angry but it is not ok to tell people you hate them and it is not ok to kick things and throw things etc.. I give my kids time outs when they say and do things like that. I make them sit and think about what they did and said and ask them if they would like it if someone said they hated them. I tell them that it hurts peoples feelings. Then I tell them they need to apologize to whoever they said it to. It is a stage and she will outgrow it in time.

D.

I am 31 and have been married for almost 12 yrs. My husband and I have 3 boys ages 10,7 and 4.

My almost-3 year old has started saying "I don't like you" when she is told to change her behavior or has to go to bed, etc. She hasn't discovered the "hate" word yet, I don't think. My response to her is this: "Well, you don't have to like me. But I'm your mommy and I love you and you do have to listen to me." It lets her know that no matter what she does or says I will love her. She seems to say it to get a reaction - she knows it is hurtful, and she is reacting to being told what to do. When she says it to someone else, we tell her that it isn't nice to say and she does not have to like everybody, but she is not allowed to be rude to other people, either. It's not easy - it's certainly not pleasant - but she's learning that it won't earn the reaction she's looking for, either.

Give her an angry pillow and show her how to scream, into the pillow and how to punch the pillow when she is angry, also explain to her it is okay to have these feelings, but it's not ok to kick the door. You might want to give her a choice also, when she is in trouble, like do you want to go to your room or set on a chair for time out, until you can change your behavior.

My son is 4 now too, but do to his autism he can't speak. But when he doesn't get his way sometimes or I get mad and tell him he needs to go to his room, he runs to it and slams the door shut as hard as he can. Once when I didn't even give a response to it.. He kept opening and slamming it shut.. I almost had to laugh... You are around the same age as me... you have to admit.. we all have done that before w/ our parents.. its karma...haha.. Anyway I think she is starting a little young though with such angry words.. Maybe you can sit her down and tell her saying those things are very hurtful... but if it makes you feel better my nephews say MUCH worse!

Hi J.,
Make sure she knows that you can't take words back. You should never say "I hate you" because it hurts and you can't take it back even though you may be sorry. It's alright to be angry, but you have to think about what you are doing even then. Maybe arm her with some tactics for what a good response to her anger would be. And some good vocabulary to use as well. TV and school friends aren't always the best examples for anger management :( Try to talk to her about it at a time when you are both in a good mood and able to talk reasonably, not in the heat of the moment.
Best of luck and God bless,
J. B (mother of 6 yo girl and 2 1/2 yo boy)

Hi J.,

As much as it may hurt you to hear your 4 year old tell you she hates you, remember, she's only 4 and this, too, shall pass. Whenever she says this you could simply say, "well, I love you" in the most calming and sincere way.

Hope this helps!

God Bless,
D.

My general response always was, "I love you enough for both of us, but you can't be in the room with me and speak that way. You need to go to your room until you feel calm enough to speak to me kindly."

Take the door off the hinges and there is nothing to kick. Ignore her screaming. It won't take her long to figure out she is not getting the response she wants. The calmer you are the less rewarding it is for her. Be matter of fact. If she throws her toys "throw them away" or put them in time out for a day or two. Just do it calmly.

This has generally worked for me.

A lot of kids go through that one. Mine never went through it hardly at all. The only things I know is for you to tell her that you know she doesn't mean it and that she needs to quit saying it. Then do as my Mom did to us. She didn't send us to our room, she sat us on a stool (no back on it or anything about it we could get mad at and destroy (it was metal). She put the stool in the middle of the floor where we couldn't tough anything. Sending us to our rooms only made us happy or gave us the time to destroy our room. The stool worked for us. It was like they call a time out now. Good luck with it. Hope she comes out that stage sooner than later.