Question - Topeka,KS

its all in a box in the basement, not hiding in his desk to dream over while you arent looking. He married you, shes an ex for a reason..I wouldnt worry about it.

Im sorry but I think the "girlfriend" box is funny, and kinda weird. My husband and I have been together since we were 16 so I dont really have to deal with the ex-girlfriend thing. I dont think you are overreacting, if it bothers you, it bothers you. I think it would bother me a little too. Since when to men go around being sentimental?

He is married to you now! Time to get rid of the past, My husband and I threw away everything from past relationships when we got married. Talk to him and let him know that it bothers you and it needs to go, he needs to be the one to throw it out. Yes, the past made us who we are but he chose you over them therefore get rid of them :o)

Good luck!
S.

T.,
I was in your husbands position with my ex-husband. I had kept letters and cards that were given to me from old beaux. My ex found them one day and yelled at me, gave me such a hard time, made me feel guilty for having them. I never looked at them longing for those people, but I would look at them remembering good times. It's like looking at an old year book. My ex made me feel so horrible that I threw it all away. I regret throwing it away. It was a part of my life, part of what made me who I am. My husband has some things from his past gf, and I have some things from mine. Some people journal, a journal are personal private thoughts about your life. Some people hold on to things like your husband as a form of journaling. It's not that your husband wants to be with those other women, but he had moments with them that made him who you fell in love with. If you really want to know what's in there ask him to share with you, but don't push it. I hope I gave you a different perspective. God bless.

I also still have pictures and things from old relationships. As someone else said, they don't mean what they did then but they help me remember some of the good times from when I was younger. I think a lot of it depends on how his relationships went. You might not have kept stuff because there were memories associated with that stuff that you wanted to forget and that was your way of moving on. If his relationships didn't end badly, he won't have had to deal with them the same way. My husband still has a blanket that he uses all the time that one of his ex girl friends made for him. I wouldn't think of making him get rid of it but at the same time, I know that he would if he thought that it hurt me for him to keep it around. Think of it this way, the other girl help to prepare him for you. If it really bothers you, I think you should talk to him about it. Find a good day to sit down and discuss it and let him know that you just want to understand his feeling better. My mother in law recently introduced us to a book called "The 5 Love Languages" or something like that. We haven't read it yet but have discussed some of the ideas in it that we know about and it has help us understand eachother better. The basic principle of the book is that there are 5 basic ways that different people show eachother love. Your husband's way of showing his love for you might be very different then the way you show love and feel love. This doesn't mean that either way is wrong, just different. The idea is that you can learn eachother's love language and strengthen your understanding of eachother as well as your relationship. I know that it is at most of the libraries in the area. It might help in the romance catagory.

It is so difficult to separate our own feelings of inadequacy from true threats. These women cannot walk up from the basement and destroy your marriage. If he is attached to the past, his own past, let him be. It is most likely everything to do with his mortality and nothing to do with you. Let it go and he will too.

I promise the more room you give someone, the more comfortable they feel to stay.

I personally don't think the old pics are too big of a deal unless you make them. My husband and I both have some things from our past, but that is what they are...things from the past. If we choose to get upset or jealous over them then they need to be dealt with. I admit your feelings are real, but thing you need to look at the motivation behind them. Since it is an issue, I would take the opportunity to talk to your husband about your feelings, but discuss your issues, be careful not to blame all of it on your husband.

For the romance side of things. A good website is thegenerouswife.com. You can sign up for daily emails of things to do for your husband. They range from the simple every day to the romantic ones. She also has other links on her website.

Good luck and God bless

I really liked Cari's response that she prepared him for you...But at the same time, I think this merits a conversation with hubby. Certainly we are all entitled to keeping memomentos from our past (you probaby have some too) but what I suspect bothers you the most is the fact that he referred to it as his "girlfriend box." Tell him that you might be overracting (and maybe you are) but those are honest and real feelings that he needs to know you have. Tell him why it bothers you and ask him why he's kept it...perhaps you can come to some medium ground.

Chances are he has that box down there to just have it, it probably never actually even looks through it (Lord knows I've got TONS of those boxes of my DHs). My DH can't bear to throw something out (even recipts) so I have to occasionally go on purges when he's gone. I have come across old girlfriends pictures, letters, cards, etc. and I just set them to the side. They are a part of his past; good, bad or indifferent. They are HIS memories...who am I to say he can't keep them? I may not like them and I certainly don't have to look at them, but they are his. Good luck.

I got quite the chuckle reading your question...because my 61 year old father has a "girlfriend box" and ole mementos from his glory days as a young stud...He's been happily married to my mother for 33 years and are still very much in love!!! Just have fun with it...it's NOT that BIG of deal unless you make it so...

OMG, T. I would be livid! I have been married 15yrs and my husband would never dream of keeping such things! He needs to get rid of that box (or two or three) and move on! There is noooo reason to keep those. I would be snooping and finding and getting rid of if he refuses. How would he feel if you had the same thing and why don't you ask him his reasons??? There would not be any acceptable reason good enough for keeping another womens picture in the house. What if the kids find it and what would they think? Put your foot down and tell him it makes you uncomfortable and upsets you.

Hi T.,

I've been in your same shoes, but only 10 years ago. I was upset that my husband had old pictures of old girlfriends. To please me, he through them away.

10 years later, I realize that I was over-reacting and wish now that he did not through them away. I'm actually friends with one of his old girlfriends now.

This is part of his past. His memories. I had no right to make the decision for him to throw them away.

Try to relax and not worry about it. It's not a big deal to have the pictures or even old love letters/momentos.

Best Wishes,

J. H.

T.,

It is likely not because of the girl in the picture, but more so because of his Ego. He probably wants to keep the memories that girls liked him, not that this girl liked him. It's a feeling of self-esteem, and I can bet that it has nothing to do with the girls themselves, but only to do with making him feel that he is attractive.

Hi T., I think you are over reacting. He did not have these things in YOUR house for the last 15 years, he had them at his parents, where we all probably still have stuff, and it is there, because it just doesn't mean much to us, or we would have taken it with us when we moved out. I don't feel your husband is being disrespectful either. He didn't start a big deal about it, he just quiety put them away. He's probably just preserving some of his old memories, even if it is of a girl. I would just not worry about it, after all, he married YOU. And also just because you didn't keep any mementos from your past doesn't mean he shouldn't. Remember you have to choose your battles and this is something that has not been an issue for 15 years, so why start now. Why not take the opportunity to be romantic yourself, and remind your husband of all the reasons he fell in love with you to begin with.

I remember finding a picture of my husband's old girlfriend and I remember how horrible it made me feel. I also realized that I have kept mementos and pictures of my old boyfriends. I also know that keeping them has nothing to do with my feelings for my husband. They are things from our past and they are a part of who we ae. Getting rid of them doesn't change that and having them around, reminds us of where we came from. Yes, it can be an uncomfortable situation, but I don't think it has to change your present relationship. Hope this helps.

I have pictures from high school of old boy friends and didn't get rid of them but it didn't seem to bother my husband and they are still memories. He also has some pictures of x girlfriends. We didn't have a problem with keeping them however he did burn his ex-wife's pictures which he was only married to for 3 months and I didn't tell him to but he couldn't stand to have them around. If it isn't an issue then don't worry about it but would let him know that it's ok if he keeps them in a memory album but hiding them is hurtful. I actually was surprised when I saw my hubby's ex-girl friends pictures. The girls he dated all had similar features including me so was interesting. We have a close relationship and have no jealousy issues at all so I think it depends on your relationship and if you have total trust in him then there probably isn't anything to worry about.

You are asking if you are over reacting & then in your last statement you talk about he's not very romantic. First, we have a right to feel however we feel about something. Those are our feelings plain & simple. Then we don't have a right to demand loved ones to get rid of parts of their past / memories. We all have had lives before our final choices, we all think about them, whether it's my god can't believe ....or that was fun but not for long term. If the romantic part has recently changed there's room for concern,but if he hasn't been a real "romeo" in the last few years, then it's just time to restart the relationship. Also, if the non-romantic part just started & he's looking through these old memories on a regular basis maybe he is longing for something more, that doesn't mean it can't be you.
Anyways, making him throw these things away aren't going to change anything that may or may not be going on between the two of you. Good luck!

I can't tell you what it means only your husband can do that. It may mean nothing or it may mean alot.I do keep pictures and letters from old relationship they are a part of who I am. I don't hide or not hide them they ar mixed with all the picture and records of my life. I am 69 years old and have been happily married this time for 24 years. As far as I know this does not bother my husband.
Milli

I wouldn't worry about it. My husband has a photo album from college that is full of pictures of the two of them with friends. It is in the past (we have been married 17 years and dated 3 years). I have a box with pictures and cards from a guy I dated for 5 years. They are part of me and who I have become. Neither of us get them out and wish our lives were different and we were with them. But they are from another time in our lives and have sentimental memories. Just because you didn't keep yours doesn't mean he doesn't love you and your beautiful children you have had together. Remember, he married YOU!

Dear T.,
Of course you have the right to be upset about it. That is total human nature. And no, you are not overreacting. It's not like you have gone off and yelled at him. You are just reacting in your own mind and doing some thinking. That being said, just smile, let it go and move on. Every person has the right to have their OWN feelings about things (why are some of these posts lecturing you on how you should feel anyway?) - personally I would consider it a trip down memory lane. Who doesn't like to laugh about those moments every once in a while...pure innocence...that was more than 15 years ago. Enjoy your time now. Perhaps you should put a new photo of yourself in a frame, write a fun little love letter to your hubby...and leave it somewhere where he'll find it. You can start your own "girlfriend" box for him...but yours would not be confined to the basement...it would be front and center! Best of luck. :-)

Personally, I think you are overreacting. They are a part of his past. I have held onto things from my past as well as my husband has too. It doesn't mean that he disrespecting you. After all, you are the one he married and had kids with, right? I would just let it go. But if it bothers you that much, talk to him about it instead of holding a grudge. Just my input.

I agree with you. This requires discussion. You are married, and the "two have become one". I don't know why a happily married man would even want to keep such things. I suppose it is okay to keep old momentos if that is all they are. Don't fall for accusations of being snoopy. You need to know where your relationship stands. It's all about communication, fidelity and honesty. If he cannot be honest and open about this, you have a real problem. If he was open about it I probably wouldn't think a thing of it. But since he is being sneaky, hiding it; that is a red flag.

I don't really know what to say except that would bug me too. You could ask him if he would let you have the frame you liked. Hopefully that wouldn't be an issue. If my husband had pictures of other women laying around in the basement I would be talking to him, that's for sure! I'm not sure why your husband wants to keep all that stuff either.

I don't have any advice about the romance thing because my husband is not a romantic type, but we've been married almost 22 years so we must be doing ok.

I think you are being too sensitive. Remember, he didn't even remember he had these in his parents basement until they asked him to come and pick them up. He chose you to marry, not his ex. As far as him not being romantic, are you romantic towards him? That would be a place to start, because you can only control your actions and he will probably react differently towards you if you are different towards him. If he wasn't very romantic when you married him, well you knew what he was like then. I think women like to sit and stew when something tiny happens and in their brains it erupts into a big emotional mess, so if it'll make you feel better to talk to him then do, but he's just going to tell you the same thing we all have. Something to keep in mind too, is that men like strong women and if you're that upset over a picture he didn't even remember he had that is showing you're pretty weak and emotional.

I haven't read the other responses yet, but if he isn't looking at them and they are just staying in the box I don't see what it hurts. They are exes for a reason, but I am sure there are still some memories there. My husband still has pictures of exes and I know where they are, but he probably couldn't find them if he tried simply because he can't ever remember where he puts stuff. I wouldn't stress about it. He hasn't even had them for years so he is probably just a pack rat and likes to keep everything. Can't help with the romantic part, some people are in there on way it just isn't what we might think as romantic. Good Luck with that.

Let it go... so it brought back some memories. It was a long time ago. If you make it an issue... well, jealousy is never pretty.

Well, he loves you and married you, I would keep that first and foremost in mind :).
I think how you feel about it is most important & you should definitely talk to your husband about it if it bothers you.
But...
I keep old things too, not that they mean anything to me any more but one day when I'm old and gray I can look back on those things. They're just part of your (old) life. I wouldn't think anything of it unless he's doing odd things to make you think he's running around on you. Recently while going through one of my hubby's old boxes we found some pix which included 2 or 3 photos of other girls, and he did try to "hide" them from me as if I would care... I was more amused than anything. I don't know if he kept them or not but sentimentally it really doesn't matter, it's the past.

Hi Tiff,

I think that you're overreacting. We all keep things from our past, maybe you have old pics of you and old boyfriends or close male friends. They are just that...things from the past, you are his present and future.

I have been married to my hubby 2 years in November. Well when we got together 3 1/2 yrs ago, I threw away all my old ex-bf pics and he threw away his ex-gf pics... We were committed to each other that much that we knew it would please the other to do that. We don't regret throwing them away. I am even friends with his ex who he was with the longest and friends with for 7 yrs before they were together, but we wouldn't keep pics around from past relationships. Why?

That said, we have myspace pages, and most of our exes are on our friends lists since they were important people in our lives and occasionally they will message us just to see how life is with our family and stuff. Maybe your husband keeps those things since they were important pieces of his life.

I must admit that I dond't consider myself a jealous person, but that might bother me a bit too. I don't have stuff from other relationships either, and if my husband had multiple boxes it would bother me. Now I know there are a couple of pictures of my husbands previous girlfriends floating around the family. But we have been married 9 years now with 3 daughters, and Iknow he loves me. So I let it go. But if it bothers you alot, you should bring it up in conversation, not nagging just talking.
Good Luck

Hi T., you will probably get a lot of different answers on this but I will say the older you get probably the less it would bother you. My husband and I have always talked openly about our pasts and neither one of us really care about what happend before we met each other. I have pictures in picture albums in our den and he had ones in a box. I couldn't stand it one winter....becuase I like things organized and made him a scrap book of his life from when he was born from a few baby pictures that i got from his mother, along with school picuters, army pictures right through his first marriage from his prom with "her" and a few old wedding pictures he had right up to when they divorced. His daughters really got a kick out of it. Anyway that was then and this is now. He is with me and he doesn't give me any grief about my old pictures of my past. I don't pine over them they are just old memories of the years that I have lived. I even made a similiar scrap book for myself, however my previous husband passed away of cancer. But our kids get a kick out of looking at the old pictures and past life we had. Our kids are all now grown by the way. I don't think I would share with a little one, they might not understand. Good luck to you and I wish you the best for a long happy life together.

To me, this would be absolutely no big deal at all - like some of the other responses, both my husband and I have some things from my past in boxes in the house, too. I keep them as important, significant memories of good and bad times in my life before my husband - that can't be erased, and to me, shouldn't have to be. If my husband had a problem with that it would drive me crazy and seem ridiculously insecure.
I agree that you have the right to feel how you feel, if this bothers you, it bothers you and you should not pretend it doesn't. However, I think the key to your question is in the last sentence......the reason this bothers you is because of some insecurities in your relationship.
Maybe this whole scenerio is a good opportunity for you and your husband to have a heart-to-heart talk. Explain to him exactly why this bothers you (in other words, you're not just overreacting and being crazy - there's more to it). But explain it in a loving, understanding way at a time you can really talk.
That's just my suggestion, good luck.

I'm an old woman, so I have different perspective than many of the younger women here seem to have.

My advice to you is to let it go. Q-tip is sweetie. Quit Taking It Personal. Do you begrudge him any happiness he had before he met you? Do you think he lived in a bubble until the day your eyes met? puhleeeze!

Don't snoope, don't pry, don't make a big deal out of this...it's his past and allow him his fond memories. Also..I would think it's creepy to take a frame from an old girlfriend and use it now...I wonder if it would have creeped him out too?

Your love is in the now...leave the past alone...just don't ignore it.

You should ask yourself why you think he is keeping them. Do you think he is really still in love with any of his ex-girlfriends from 15 years ago? Most likely the answer is no. Do you think he is trying to hurt you? Probably not. Some people are more nostalgic then others. Some people just like keeping little things like that. He might have other boxes too. Because you didn't keep those things doesn't mean there is anything wrong with him keepong them. But I don't think you can just let it go. Most likely he is keeping it from you because he is on the defense, afraid you are going to be mad at him. I don't think you can just let it go though. That that is a hard thing to do when something is bothering you, maybe impossible. I would ask to see it and tell him you are interested because it is a part of him, not because you are offended or angry.Ask him questions, have him show then to you. What is getting rid of them going to change?

well, two things. one, he dated her. he MARRIED you. that being said, i'd be pissed as hell, and request, then demand, that he at least put them at his parent's or something, and not in your own house. unless you get to bring a "boyfriend" box over, to make him see how awful that is. :) good luck.

T.,

Of course this all comes down to how you really feel about the "girlfriend box", but personally, I don't think its a huge deal. I have been happily married for 5 yrs., but I still have some old photos of exes. They are part of me, of who I am today, but they don't change the way I love my life with my hubby. Everyone has memories and a past that will never go away. As long as this box(es) has not affected your marriage or relationship, don't worry too much over it.

I would say just let it go, obviously there is something there that has a lot of meaning and memories to him. He loves you and if you trust him (not meaning anything by that)just let him have his box. Maybe someday he will tell you why they mean so much.

My husband has something similar also...I wouldn't worry to much. If he's not down in the basement every night looking thru it then you are fine and should let it go. Now, if he goes and looks thru it often then I would say something and have him get rid of it. My husband looks thru his only when he comes across it and even then sometimes he doesn't and that is only once every few years. I don't think he's touched it since we moved into our house 5 years ago. I have old pictures also from dances and stuff, but the same is with me, I don't look at them often and I am more sentimental than my husband is. So, all that said, don't worry so much and if you really like the frame ask him what he did with it and tell him why you want to know. He may have kept the pix and not the frame. Good luck and God Bless.

Hello!

I can relate to your husband. I am happily married with two kids, but I keep a "boyfriend box" that has momentos from the boyfriends I had before I met my husband. I've thought about throwing it out, thinking that if something would happen to me, whoever cleaned out my closet might wonder about the box. I think that it's hard to throw away because it would be like throwing away my memories of my youth...

I think you need to ask yourself several questions -

What about this is upsetting you? That he keeps things from his past and you don't? Keeping old girlfriend things strikes you as romantic and he isn't "romantic" with you? Is this something you want to fight about??????

Act like his girlfriend and I promise you'll have nothing to worry about! Good luck!!!