Problems with Ex Husband

When you got divorced, you should have had a Parenting Plan and Child support order in place...do you? If so, this should all be spelled out. If you don't, go down to your local court house and file for a "modification". Make sure you DOCUMENT everything from now on. We only email our ex's, no calls or texts...everything in writing and easy to track and keep. Your parenting plan should be VERY specific! Exact dates and times of when each parent has the kids. Add that each parent has the right to call kids nightly for a minimum of 10 min. Extra curricular activities can be spelled out too. Or be included in your child support amount. It can even say that EACH parent is responsible to take child to these activities on their parenting time. You can file all this yourself. Just make sure you do it EXACTLY the way you want it. Once something is in place, it's VERY hard to change it. Good luck!

Well... if this is a glimpse of what your marriage was like then I can see why you divorced him. :-(

I think you do have some legitimate issues that you can address in court, such as the medical issues and informing you of important issues regarding the childrens' health, especially when you ask him questions about their health and the children can't tell you yet IF the children required continued care and/or follow up for whatever they were taken to the doctor for.

I think another legitimate issue is telling you where to expect to pick the children up but this might be addressed by setting up a broad weekly schedule that includes drop offs, pick ups, and everything in between and includes which parent is responsible for what.

I don't know that I'd go to court though... is there a mediator you can use? Ask for a court appointed mediator? If the issue is that he simply won't speak to you at all, then he still has to pass information along somehow in spite of holding a grudge and being hurt. He's harming the children by harming their mother, so he does need to get his act together. Maybe you can let him know that you're sorry he's hurt, but you still want to be co-parents with him. You want to work with him. Suggest family counseling.

If he refuses to mediate then by all means, address the issues in court but you can't force him to be nice. You can't force him to talk to you beyond communicating the childrens' needs. He's not obligated to allow the children to speak with you while he has them.

I'm really sorry you are going thru this. I can totally relate to a lot of it. Check your parenting plan and see what it says about extra circular activities. Also about the medical stuff. In AZ, when you get divorced you have to take a parenting class. It sounds like he is violating everything they teach in the class. You may have to file something with the courts to schedule a hearing to bring all of this up to a judge. I am currently going to court with my ex for a bunch of issues including his refusal to pay for half of extra circular activities and refusal to pay for half of my son's adhd counseling. We also had to revise our parenting plan and child support because he moved 3 hours away so that's why I am addressing everything else. I really feel for you. Dealing with a difficult ex is not something I would wish on anyone. Good luck!

You can have some of these spelled out in your custody/visitation agreement if you don't already. Most times, the order will indicate that each parent is responsible to get them to their activities when they have the child. As for where to pick your children up, it should be spelled out that you would pick them up from his home, just as he should pick them up from your home OR you may have to always meet at a neutral location. Additionally, you could get it spelled out that you are to be informed of all medical treatments (and that would go both ways). Typically, there is a Children's Bill of Rights that may address the "refusing to let them call you" issue.

This being in the order may not make him honor it but could put him in "contempt" if he doesn't.

Am I missing something here? It seems like you are trying to communicate with him and he doesn't want to communicate with you. Not ideal, of course, but if he's as angry as you say I wouldn't be calling and texting him all the time.
As long as he's doing everything the court order spells out, leave it at that.
If he's not paying child support contact your attorney, they can garnish his wages if need be.

You sound like you are doing a great job, so try not to get too frustrated with the whole situation. That just brings you more frustration.
You don't mention the ages of your children, but there must be something in the custody agreement that outlines all of what is expected of both you and him. If not, it's time to head back to court.
My father sounds just like your ex. My mother had to be both mother and father. He was just not involved and despite her efforts to get along, he was always bitter towards her. When I was about 17 and caught on to his childishness (threatening not to pay child support, trying to back out of covering me for health insurance, etc), I threatened to take him back to court myself. And while I was at it, I would ask the court to have him help with college tuition and expenses. He shut up after that, did what he was ordered to do, and quit his moaning and whining.
For other reasons, my father and I have not spoken in almost 13 years. But because I had a wonderful mother, I grew up to be a healthy mature adult who is in a loving, committed marriage for 12 years with two beautiful children. I think to myself all the time how grateful I am for that, and I owe it all to my mom.
Hang in there.

It sounds like you have to continue to parallel parent.

If the children are old enough, tell them to call you. If you have any sort of system where you can view your child's records from the doctor (our HMO has this) make sure you are on that so that you can look up when your child was taken to the doctor. Follow up with the doctor about the diagnosis. In our case, we can email the doctor's office for additional info.

If the coach is not yet aware, talk to him /her /them about your child's participation. There may be a time where the child himself needs to choose to participate or not and potentially ask his father to miss time...BM gave my SS that ultimatum and then was angry when he chose sports. So she didn't see him at all for the whole season.

You don't need to get along well with him. You just need to be civil. Give the kids OTHER role models for a healthy relationship - friends, grandparents, aunts and uncles.

Try not to badmouth their father, but also try not to completely cover for him. "I don't know" is a valid response. If you have court order about communications, then bring that up to your ex. If their father is abusive, then get them into counseling (might not be a bad idea anyway), where they can deal with their issues in a safe place.

You might also consider carpooling or hiring someone responsible to take your son to sports practice in your town. Sometimes to get things done we just didn't factor their mother at all. Will she help? Highly unlikely. So we just go do it ourselves. She always signed the form, but we always knew we were doing the schlepping.

You should also document everything (without malice) just "called the children on x day and time. xH did not answer the phone or allow me to speak to them. Sent email on x topic (attached) on x day and time. Per readnotify, the email was read on x day and time. As of x day and time, there has been no response."

Re the child support, if he's not paying, do whatever you need to do to enforce that. What does your attorney say?
Also, aren't the drop off & pick up times spelled out in your custody agreement? I thought that was pretty standard.
Re the doctor visit, does he take them to a different doc? If your youngest is healthy I don't think I'd worry about it, but I guess you could always take your child in for an exam if you think something is wrong. I mean, do you call your ex every time you take a kid in for a routine visit, like a suspected ear infection, or if you're worried about strep? Why would you, especially if you aren't getting along?
I agree that he *should* be more communicative with you but if he's still so angry then just make sure he follows the court order and don't worry about everything else that you can't control anyway.
ETA: Oh, and re the sports/scouts stuff, keep in mind those are optional, and honestly for a kid going back and forth between two homes should probably be kept at a minimum. Your son may like it but as a mom it's up to you to keep a balance.

You should have had a child support order in place at your first hearing to establish temporary custody and child support. In Wisconsin, because we do not have AFDC or Welfare, child support normally is deducted from the paycheck by the employer and sent to the child support agency. If you are not getting child support call your child support agency.

As far as signing your son up for activities or sports you need to sit him down and explain it to him. Son, I would love to sign you up for this but it starts at 6 and is an hour's drive, I work until 5 and by the time I get out of work and pick you up and we drive there, you would be 5-10 minutes late. If dad would be willing to take you you would get there on time. Maybe we can find something closer that you can join. Your only other option is to contact the leader or coach and ask if another parent could take the kids and you pick-up.
You also need to contact the person who did your custody study and tell them he is not allowing you to speak to your children when he has them. You need to be informed as to where your children are and what they are doing. Ask your doctor's office to flag your children's files that you need to be contacted if they are seen and you are not with them.
Somehow you need to explain to your children that no matter what you are the Mom and always have their best interests in mind. You need to know where they are and what they do when they are with their dad. -- sidenote Many years ago my ex took my kids out of the country to Canada on vacation and never told me. He told the kids it was none of my business and if I or the courts found out it was easier to ask forgivness than permission.

I feel for you. My DILs x has not paid support in 10 months! My son and DIL took their little one to Disney when big kids were with their father. It was a last minute decision. My son had planned a surprise trip for the big kids two years ago, they did not want to go. So. This year they took baby for four days. We have a time share. So In August father takes them out of state and never tells my DIL! Now six people to Disney for 8 days is not cheap. We figure with air fare last minute a good $2400, even a value resort would be 1000, 1800 tickets to parks, food another 2000 for eight days. They are at good restaurants I. Park but not a dime for school supplies, clothes, anything! Here in NY if you have the right lawyer and the money to pay him, you can get away with anything. He plays games just like yours. Wish I had an answer but I don't. I used to buy the big kids, shoes, backpacks, clothes and then I thought why am I doing this. He must think she will (these are step grandchildren) why should I. So I stopped. I feel bad but you understand what I am saying. Good luck. Hope you can work it out.

You most certainly CAN do something about your ex not letting the kids call you when they are with him. You can have the court order that the kids call you every night or that the kids be allowed to call whenever they want, not necessarily every night.

There is nothing you can do about his not cooperating with signing your son up for sports or taking him to and from on "your" days. Your days are just that - your days to be completely responsible for them. I agree it would be better for the kids if he cooperated, but not cooperating is not breaking any laws or court orders.

I think you can also have the court order that he has to advise you re any medical issues that arise when he has the kids and to advise you in a timely manner where the kids will be for pick-up. Get specific in the language in the order - "timely manner" can be subject to interpretation so have a set time - must notify you by 3:00 p.m. or whatever.

The bad part is that you will have to go back to court to get these orders put in place.

What are you texting and emailing to him? Why are you trying to force him to do what you think that he should? He doesn't want to talk to you. If he wants his time with them to be free of you and your influence, that's his right. It's not ideal, but neither is divorce. Guess what--divorce means that he no longer has an obligation to do what you want him to do, and something in him needs to exercise this right pretty hard and fast right now. Is he doing what the courts require? If you want info, contact the source. Call the doctor and daycare and whomever else to find out what's going on with your kids. It's unfortunate, but it is what it is. Maybe if you back off and stop trying to force it, he'll have room to adjust and get over it.

I feel bad for all of you. Life shouldn't have to be so hard. My daughter went back to court last year and had all of those issues you talked about resolved. It is written right in there that whichever parents time it is must take the child/children to whatever activities, birthday parties, sports, classes, whatever, that they have. Don't play the games, get everything in writing. It's a shame you have to do that but oftentimes it happens. Try to talk to him but otherwise file the paperwork and get it ALL in writing. You can easily do the modification yourself. Good Luck!

Wow. Just from what little bit you've written, it sounds like your husband has a lot of growing up to do. A lot. Sounds like he could use some professional counseling as well. He is hurting himself in the long run, because as the kids get older, they will see how he treats you. And they will not like it and eventually, won't want anything to do with their dad because he's not nice to you, their mom.

I have a friend where she and her ex-fiance (yes, two kids, engaged, engagement broken before marriage because she finally woke up and saw exactly what type of person she was really going to be married to) have two boys. The ex-fiance is always making things up, talking bad about her to her sons, making her out to be the "bad guy." Guess what? It's been about a year now where the living arrangement has been 1/2 her place, 1/2 his place--and her sons have told her they want to live with her full time because they don't like their dad! In our state, the children have a say in whom they want to live with when they're 12 years old. It will be interesting to see what plays out in her situation.

Any time a parent uses anger or silent treatment or the kids against the other parent--watch out. It can and often does horribly backfire. Be there for your children. And always--no matter how hard it might be sometimes--always be nice to your ex, talk nice about your ex, and make sure your children don't see any/much acrimony between you. Try to help your children live as stress free as possible, given the situation.

You can't change your ex and how he feels and how he behaves (even if he wants to behave like a spoiled brat), but you can send him lots of healing light. The power of love and forgiveness can do strange and miraculous things. Send him a ray of love and healing every night before bed. May it help him navigate through his issues.

I don't know about the legalities and custody stuff but you should be able to talk to your child any time you want to. He should be able to do the same.

I know one mom who bought her child a cell phone to take when he visited his dad. That way she could call him directly without having to deal with her ex.

I'm sorry you have to go through this. Someday your kids will see what is going on and will appreciate the fact you kept them out of the middle of it.

You need to try a mediator.

What does your lawyer say? What does your divorce decree state?

I don't know WHY you divorced your husband. I don't know WHY he is angry about it STILL.

I would strongly suggest family counseling so that you two can learn how to communicate and co-parent. I'd love to hear his side of the story. It helps when we know more....

I would stop enrolling my son in activities that cause us to drive an hour away. I would try and make arrangements with my work or another parent involved in the sport to pick your son up and take him there. Sounds like things are WWWAAAAYYYY too complicated with sports and scouts.

Good luck!