Problems with Ex-Husbands Wife

"now since he has married her, she has told him that I have to go through her when having questions about our daughter."

DON'T DO THAT!!!! That is not her child, you and your ex made that child and that is who you talk to, not her. It is important you relay that info to him, IT WILL NOT WORK THE OTHER WAY. I promise you. She is looking for control of your child and CS and you can't relinquish it. Maybe you three need to sit down and talk. Don't expect too much from her though, 19, sounds like she hasn't matured yet.

I know its rough but continue raising your child the way you always have. Your daughter will appreciate it. God Bless.

M.
SAHM of 2 boys

Hello J.,
Did you say, he does not pay in time? Well, you have to set bounderies. Talk to your lawyer, if he doesnt agree about paying in time. Once that is set, maiby she doesnt have enough momey to spend on the child. And they will take you more serious, too.

Hi J.. For one your ex's wife is far too young, and obviously doesn't know what it really takes to raise a child ( if her mom is always keeping her baby ). Her being his wife has nothing to do with him being your ex husband and helping you raise your daughter. It will be wonderful to include her, because she is apart of your daughter's life, but she can be put to the side. If he can't accept and believe what his wife is doing...well you may want to consider not having her around there very often. Because we as mothers need to think what is best for our children, even if they don't like, and we become the "bad guys". God is very clear on obedience, and training up a child the way He wants.

my only advice is to get your child in counseling while she is still young. Get a mediator involved with you and your ex husbands issues. there are ways to make both sides cooperate. maybe ask your ex and his new wife to write down exactly what would make them both happy in this situation and then you see what you are will to compromise.

You really need to get a professional opinion. The road your going down is going question yourcustody agreement eventually with what you have stated. Continue to love your daughters and talk with them. We live in such a materialistic society and so many replace "stuff" with love. Praise your daugthers for who they are and make sure they know how proud you are of them. Don't get caught up in the negativity - focus on the postive and you will be given the strength and wisdom to get through this. Be the best that you can for your girls- giving of yourself says alot more about a person than giving from their wallet. Have a great day- will say a prayer for you.
C.

My husband has a son from a previous; all child support payments are to be paid directly to the child support division. They no longer go directly from one parent to another. Actually it is state mandated. Secondly, she is in competition with you; she feels threatened by your presence, given that she is only 19 years. You do not have any legal responsibility to go through her for any means of communication PERIOD! She has nothing to do with your and his child. She is going to do whatever she can to control the situation because she has none. If it continues as is, take action with your ex and ask him that all means of communication remain between you and him. If necessary take legal action against her harassment with phone calls. Cut her out of the picture and simply deal with your ex.

Good Luck!

Your husband is drop dead wrong to say the teenager he's married to is the one in charge. She should not be involved at all in the relationship you have with your ex over the wellbeing of your child. She should keep her mouth closed about child support and other issues regarding this matter. She's obviously not the poster-mom if her own child is with it's grandparents. If your ex isn't paying child support on time, take him back to court and have it come out of his income automatically. I work in family law. We do this all the time. If he's in violation of a court order, he can be held in contempt. If he wants to play hardball, you get in the game. But, leave the child out of it. I'm sure the 19 year old girl feels like she has to buy your daughter's love. Sounds like she's got self esteem issues and Lord only knows what else. Sounds like she has daddy issues too, if she's married to a 31 year old man.
Hang in there, know that the courts/law are on your side. I would maybe mention to him if he can't be responsible in paying child support on time, you will seek legal actions. If you can't afford an attorney, there are free and reduced fee legal resources available.
Good luck. Let me know if I can be of further service.

J.,

Here is a different perspective. I am both the x wife and the stepmom. So I can honestly say that I have worn your shoes. And I have walked many many many miles in them. And I know that it is very hard. My hats off to you for finding some advice. It wasn't available to me when I needed it.

First the child support issue. Contact the Attorney General's Office they do not charge for enforcing the Child Support. Granted it may take a while, but they will have it deducted out of his pay.

Secondly, the Step Mom, Now my daughter is 14 and she has "played this game before." Your daughter is playing a game that she will lose if you stick to your guns. By saying that I mean, this is new territory for your daughter. Having 2 moms can be difficult for kids. There is ALOT of confusion. ALOT of different rules and ALOT of playing mom and dad against each other. Right now Step Mom is trying to get her to move in with them so she is being nice to her "buying her love." So after a while (it could take 1 month or it could take 1 year)It will change with the Step Mom. If you let your daughter go live over there before she is 12 then she will see that the Step Mom will change. By NO MEANS am I saying to let her go live over there, I am saying IF.

Now here comes the different persptective, No don't go through the Step Mom for the issues about your daughter that's for you and your ex-husband to deal with however, INCLUDE her on it. Kill them with Kindness. When the Step Mom feels included and no longer sees you as a threat she will stand down. If you put the Step Mom down it will hurt your daughter. If you have something negative to say about the step mom post it up here or write it down in a letter and burn it, Or talk to a friend that you have that won't repeat what you have said to anyone and out of your daughters hearing distance.

I am sure that you are starting to feel that your daughter just may love this Step Mom more, but remember YOU ARE HER MOTHER, she will always love you more, and right now she is testing you and her dad, as well as her step mom. Whatever you do, don't try to compete for something that you already have. Your Daughters Love. Again stick to your guns. If need be, call a meeting with your ex husband and his new wife (if they come great). But let them know that ALL of you need to work together, with consistency. My ex still doesn't work together with me concerning the discipline of our kids. But at least I can say I tried. And your daughter will adjust to the two different sets of rules or the "separate Lives". Just take a deep breath and breathe. Go take a Bubble bath, scream into a pillow, what ever you need to do to release this anger. Keep in mind your daughter is adjusting just as you are.

L.

Some of this advice was given by my daughter who has been able to shed some light onto the child's outlook.

Dear J.:
Whatever you do, don't compete with gifts. Remain your true self and let her come over with what she needs (suitcase, bag, etc.) and enter your world. If she mentions she'll get it from her SM, fine. Done. Let her buy it.

Be sure to punish smart-mouthing like you would have. Retain your respect, and all will be good. Don't worry about what she'll do in five years, who knows what the situation looks like then. His finances could decline, you could win the lotto. But her values will be what you teach her now.

I have a situation where I am better-off than the ex (his mom), but I don't use it to make his mom feel bad, and I make my son do chores (sometimes to earn a buck). Regardless, all kids will play out advantages between mom and dad, even inside a marriage. The less fruitful, the faster it will stop.

W.
(father of 8yo)