Problems 'Mothering' My Neice

I understand. I have the same problem with my 12 yo stepson. I love him but I have a hard time relating to him and being really close with him. I think it's difficult b/c you missed the early years when you bond with a child and vice versa. I'm sorry I don't have any sage advice. Just wanted to say you aren't alone - we're working on it too. Keep up the faith.

Hi C.,
I agree with most of the posts here that say you should love her however you can and not put such pressure on yourself to love her like a mother. When I became a stepmom, I had expectations that I would love my stepson like my own child and he would love me that way. It was frustrating and disappointing until I simply accepted my love for him and his for me in the way it naturally comes.

Another thought - you are very insightful to see that your neice reminds you of your sister. And, it is clear you are aggravated with your sister. So, keep in mind that your issue is not with your neice, but with her mom. Hard to separate the two, I know. I have serious issues with my stepson's mom and sometimes he reminds me of her. It can be a challenge to remember that he is just a product of that environment and her influence.

How difficult it is for you, and how difficult it must be for your neice! May you find the common ground and struggle together instead of struggling against each other. You both want a harmonious and loving home where you can be accepted for who you are. Maybe you can start there.

Remember to focus on her abilities, talents, and positive aspects of her personality. Celebrate her accomplishments and openness. I think that's what parents do so well - naturally. Her anger is probably fear or other vulnerability - not really about you. Try not to take it personally. Try hard to laugh a lot. God bless you for doing such a wonderful thing for her.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Teenagers are difficult and hard to love sometimes. I have a 14 year old daughter, and she is not always easy to love. Have you read Five Love Languages of Teenagers? This is a Christan book that teaches that we all have a primary love language, and if love isn't expressed to us in our love language we may not feel loved. She may not need the hugs as much as she may need words of affirmation or gifts. Reading the book should help you love her the way that will benefit her the most.

I agree with Mosi T. I was 9 when my mother died, and my father was a long distance truck driver, although a different situation. I had to live with many different aunts and uncles. I rarely thought of them as my 'mom' and 'dad'. I think you should care for her as the aunt you are and try to remember that she is just a child and she isnt' your sister. I think it's great you and your husband took her in and are taking care of her. She might not see it now, but beleive me when she gets older she will appreciate it. Good luck!

Hi, I see that you have some really good suggestions from other readers. I commend you for taking on the responsibility of your sister's child when she herself is unable to do it. I sounds like you might be a little resentful of having to take on the responsibility. I agree with one of the other comments that suggests some type of counseling for you. Next, please keep in mind that perhaps your neice is being difficult because she is scared that you will give her up like her mom did.

Maybe you can release yourself from the guilt of not feeling motherly feelings towards her, and perhaps start by being just her aunt and friend. You obviously love her because you thought about her well being by taking her in and trying to give her a stable home. I think as your relationship with her improves you will come to see her more as your daughter. Give yourself a break. I think she needs to see that YOU really love her and want her there, and I know that is hard to do when you are having bad days with your own illness. Also, keep in mind that children can sometime feel the resent in others, and maybe that is why she is giving you a hard time. Just love her as you would want to be loved, and shown love, if you were in her shoes.

Good Luck!

Dear C.,
What an honest and transparent question! I so commend you for that! It was helpful that you shared that you are a Christian, too, by the way! As a fellow believer, I would encourage you to ask the Lord for wisdom in this matter. As you probably know, scripture says, 'If you lack wisdom, ask for it and the Lord will gladly give it!'
What also comes to mind is that if you ask the Lord to help you overcome your negative feelings towards your sister, that His help towards that end will go a long way in helping you over your 'less than positive' feelings towards your niece. Additionally, may I suggest you ask Him to help you see both your sister and your niece as He sees them, with compassion and understanding? Once you can see them through God's lens, it is so much easier to forgive! As I'm sure you know (since you are going into ministry soon), forgiveness is the key to unlocking hardened hearts!
Honestly, if you humble yourself before the Lord, asking Him to forgive you for your anger towards and judgment of your sister, you just might suprprised at how His response will change how you feel about both of them!
Also, it's important to get someone to agree with you for what you have need of! I reference Matthew 18:19 which says, 'If two agree as touching anything on earth, it will be given to them of my father which is in heaven.' The power of the prayer of agreement cannot be understated!
Additionally, once you ask, then have faith, casting down all doubt! Scripture says, 'If you have faith the size of a mustard seed which is the smallest (seed) in all the kingdom, you can move mountains!' Remember that often, when Jesus did miracles, He would say to the one He was about to heal, 'Be it unto you according to your belief!' In other words, He requires of us to believe Him for whatever it is we ask! However much we can believe for is what He will do for us!
In my own faithwalk, I find the biggest challenge always to be what I can and am willing to believe can happen! If faith is a problem, then my encouragement to you is to ask the Lord for the faith you need to believe for what you cannot now see!
One other side note: I see that you wrote in your short bio that your husband has fibromyalgia and your daughter, diabetes. I have some additional knowledge and helps towards health regarding both of those diagnosis that may be of help to them and that I would be happy to share with you. If you are interested, email me at ____@____.com or simply reply to this MamaSource note.
May you soon rejoice at what the Lord has done to turn your feelings towards your niece around! :)
Blessings!
J. F.

There is no right or wrong way to feel. Your feelings are what they are. That said, it sounds like you have a very typical mother-daughter relationship. You love her, but she also antagonizes you. Regardless of how you really feel you can make her life special by demonstrating as much love as possible. If you don't always feel like hugging her, hug her anyway. Tell her you love her, even if you don't always feel like it.

I think it's true what others have said - if you walk the walk of motherly love, the feelings will follow. But even if they don't, that's okay. You said you love her, so obviously you do, and that is enough. The fact that she refers to you as "Mom" says a lot about how she feels about you. Being the "mom" is not always fun and kids are not always going to treat you the way that you hope. You can't control the way you feel, but you can control the way you act. You are acting as a mother to her and that is what she will remember.

You already have tons of reading with the other responses, so I will keep this brief.

-No relationship (mother/daughter or aunt/niece) is the same. Try to let go of what your ideals are and then you can bond in more real and honest ways.

-Try to use the closeness in age to your advantage, but remember to be more of a role model than a friend. She needs someone she can respect.

-Do something together. Easier said than done, I know. However, this is the perfect time of year to give her a gift of some type of lessons or activity you two can do together. The best would be something that is already scheduled, so there is a set time and day. That way no one is too busy. Also, think about making it something that you can do while you talk or is far enough from home to allow you both time to talk during the drive. (This may seem like work now, but someday you will both cherish the one on one girl time.)

You will probably find your relationship growing more close and strong, which both of you will benefit from and enjoy.

Good luck and God Bless!

I agree with many of the other women, but from first hand experience, these feelings don't come 'naturally.' Being a step-mom is very similar - taking on kids that are even biologically related - and never having kids on my own, really make it tough to love them like a mother. It is probably especially hard on you because you want to be fair and you have taken her on as a part of your family and you don't want her to feel ostracized. But you are doing a great job - this is a difficult situation; even bio-moms have a hard time with teenagers! Plus, you have to tell yourself, no matter how much of a disconnect you feel with your niece, her being with you HAS to be better than her being with her messed up mom. So, stop feeling so guilty about what you do or do not feel, and just relax and enjoy the time you have to spend with her - do some bonding activities and don' force yourself to feel any way - it will come or it won't....but regardless, she is lucky to have you in her life. She may not know it now, but she will appreciate you later!

Dear C., Your niece is so lucky to have you in her life! I think your feelings are very normal. Bottom line - she is not your daughter, so how could you possibly feel like she is? She is your niece - love her like a niece! That is more than good enough. You and your husband have opened your hearts and your home. I'm sure you are doing what God wants and expects. You can't force yourself to feel something you don't. It sounds like you treat her well, love her, and make her feel a part of the family. What more can you do? Relax, enjoy! Wishing you God's blessings at this wonderful time of the year! N.

Hello C., Love is unconditional.. I suggest you examine the "conditions" place between you and your niece.....Love expressed unconditionally heals all wounds..good luck...

i see you are a Christian so you might understand this better. even if you dont "feel" the compassion or understanding act like you do. i do this in my life and the "feelings" often trail after the action. even if i dont feel like praying with someone because i am also in pain (i have fibromyalgia too) i go ahead and pray and that ends up ministering to me too. i hope this helps.

Have you had any one on one time with her? Maybe one day when your husband can take care of your son take her out for lunch and shopping or get your nails done together or whatever she might find fun. But also gives you a chance to talk. She's coming to that age where she really needs a female role model, more so than she's ever needed one. I can't say that it's going to help your feelings but she'll know that you are there for her.

There are so many layers to what can be causing frustrations, that you might want to consider family therapy or counseling through your church. But, let's look at the entire situation. You brought your neice into your home when she was 11 years old, which is a preteen. She might have been already at a developmental stage in which she was probably becoming defiant to her female authority figure. Teenagers, sometimes, are a handful anyway. Now, you didn't say why she's with you and not her parents, but that's a huge transition for any child. She might have some baggage in that area. Plus, she's been diagnosed with a debilitating health condition (diabetes). And, she's been placed back into a public school setting after being homeschooled for 2 years. If she's not a vocal child, then she might have built up a lot of confusing emotions that are going to come out in her behavior. Also, given the fact she's a teenager and her brain is still not fully developed, she's going to make a lot of impulsive decisions in this period of her life. Unfortunately, if she also does a lot of things that remind you of her mother, but she has a similar temperament to you, well, it's no wonder you're going to butt heads. You cannot change a situation until you properly analyze it and own your part in it. This is also a child you did not carry, and she's a girl. Most mothers are harder on their daughters than their sons, so this also is not a surprise. Having written all of that, you, as a Christian, will have to continue to ask God to show you how best to raise this child and find the balance between tough love, sowing seeds, and being a proper example for her. Make sure that everything you teach her, you are modeling also. Love is an action word, not just an emotion. So, in your teaching her about life, just remind her that if you didn't love her, you wouldn't spend the time teaching her these things you've learned. It will be her responsibility to implement them as she continues growing to womanhood. And, as you study God's word, have patience and confidence that love never fails. A good book to read and meditate on is The Power of A Praying Parent. Pray daily for her, spend alone time with her and teach her things she'll need to know to run her own household and operate as a woman in this world. Don't worry about how you're "feeling." This is a season. You just continue to love her. If she rejects it, have peace in knowing that you did as the Lord wanted you to do and move forward. It's not different than being a wife to a man who is not doing what he's supposed to do, or mothering a child you birthed who rejects wisdom. Do your best and the person has the right to embrace or reject your offer.

Dear C.,

You need to give yourself a break girl. When your niece came to live with you you were how old? Like 22. That is young to have so much responsibility thrown at you. You were more than likely recently married. I don't think I see an age for your son here in your letter, but I assume he's about 3 or 4 and that tells me that you had an infant too. Bless you both for reaching out to this child and caring enough to pluck her out of the lifestyle I can only imagine about. What you've done isn't an easy task. Do you have custody of your niece? If you don't then is it possible for your sister to come back into the picture and take back custody? This simple fact could be what's causing you to hold back feelings for this child. It's hard to get close to someone that may be taken away from you.
You state that you and your niece are a lot alike. I have this problem with my oldest daughter. Because we are so much alike, sometimes it's hard to have us both in the same room for very long!! I have this same problem with my own sister. It would seem that a person can only stand themselves for a short period of time! lol. It's true. I don't know why. I don't think it means you love her any less.
Remember that a bond between a mother and her child is one of the strongest love bonds there is in existence. This child loves her real mother no matter how horrid her life style is. I came from an abusive childhood and could tell you stories about things my mother did to us that would make your hair stand on ends, but I loved her like a mother all the same. It took many years of counseling to be able to sit here and say that I didn't "like" my mother, but I loved her because she was my mother. That mother/daughter bond was never broken. Your niece has a lot of emotions going on inside that little head.
I personally think you should just talk with her about this. She's old enough to understand what you're saying, and she is the other half of this relationship. Ask her what it is she needs. See what she says.
I hope and pray I've been able to help with this situation. God bless you all.
Merry Christmas. ~D.

C.:

Try focusing on what you like about your niece, not what you don't. Considering she is your niece and not your daughter, it's pretty amazing she calls you and your husband mom and dad. She's trying so hard to belong because she fears she really doesn't. She needs hugs and kisses and certainty that your love won't fade. Hug her even when you don't feel it. Kiss her in the morning before she leaves for school and at night before she goes to bed. Tell her you love her. The more you do it, the more you'll feel it. The more she feels it from you, the more she can relax and be herself.

I used to love the comic strip "For Better or Worse" because the son, Michael, was something like my son -- especially during his cranky pubescent and adolescent years. Michael was being really difficult and then had the nerve to ask his mother for a hug. She says, "Right now, Michael with the way you've been acting, I don't want to give you a hug" and he replied, "But, Mom, that's when I need it most."

Everyone needs to know he or she is loved. Open yourself to your niece. I'm sure your effort will be rewarded.

I'm a single, adoptive mother - who adopted her child as an older boy - godmother to 10 and a grandmother.

Your niece is 14? Stop trying to be anything you are not. A few principles to follow:
(a)Love is just love: it's not more or less, so no worries about "how much" you feel. Conclusion: you love her and you can tell her that anytime you want. "showing her love" different from your son may have more to do with her age AND a bond that belongs to your sister- you don't have to replace your sister's motherhood bond. Let your niece keep it, no matter how you feel about it.
(b) Your niece needs to discover who SHE is. If you have you or your sister in your thoughts, or you "just react", then STOP and take a time out from your niece... When you can express your fears and observations into words, then quietly ask your niece to tell you, "what is going on with her" and listen WITHOUT YOUR FEARS AND OBSERVATIONS participating.
(c) Frequently, during your day, remember something that fills you with a wonderful and loving feeling inside you, and mentally send that feeling to your sister and niece. (d) Be aware that there are professionals out there who can show you and your niece effective ways to break any cycle of behavior you feel are detrimental to your self and family and let them into your circle of resources like Mamasource: this may help: What do you WANT to spend your free time and energy doing? Do you spend every free moment and most of your thoughts and energy on keeping something from happening OR trying to GET Something To Happen, call in a professional. If your car broke down, would you spend weeks of your free time and energy to learn how; get grease all over your home (despite how careful you try to be); buy expensive tools to keep in your garage that you may not need again, go nowhere until you finished, and take care of the family needs, your needs, etc. at the same time? Or take it to a professional mechanic who has the tools, resources, know-how and place to do it in one day...maybe even a rental...
hope this is helpful.

I know this is not exactly the same but I have a little boy that I babysit before he goes to school every day. For a long time being around him was like fingernails on a chalk board for me but I really need the money so I dealt with it. This was not fair for either of us. But one day I started to over do the hugs and encouragement so it would seam like I care for him like I do my kids. After about a week it did not feel like faking anymore. I really wanted to give him the hugs and encouragement that I did my own children. I wont say that there are days that I don't want to give him a hug but its way better than it was before.

C.,
I have first hand experience with this--from the child's perspective, being raised by my aunt and uncle since I was nearly 4. Everyone else has good ideas in that you need to remember you are dealing with a child, not your sister, so I won't belabor that point.

But you must know, as the adult, YOU have to snap out of it! You're in a hard position. I get it. She's a teenager with anxiety and hormones. I get it. But YOU are the adult. YOU cannot take her outbursts personally, just like you don't with your son. I DO understand that it's different with your own child, but C., you took her on and you are in the role as her parent. DO NOT TREAT HER AS YOUR NIECE!!! A niece is someone who comes to visit then returns home to her parents. YOU are in the role of her parent now and that comes with hard days and great days. She WILL appreciate you later in life, I know, but there is a big difference between intellectual appreciate and heart-felt appreciation. I appreciate the sacrifices my aunt/uncle made for me and my sister but from day one, they treated their kids differently.

When you're a kid and things don't "work out" with your own parents (my mom died and my father let my aunt/uncle raise us), you internalize it and are certain YOU are the reason. Add to that the differences you see with your new siblings and how they're treated, especially by someone who CHOSE to help you? I wonder if you're making your niece feel burdened by the fact that you're "helping" her.

I know I'm being hard on you but I hope you understand why. This is not about you anymore. This is about the fragile heart of a young girl who's having a rough time. PLEASE sit down with her and talk with her. Maybe she doesn't like that some things you do remind her of her mom, who she might be irritated with for getting her in this situation. Whatever you do, BE THE ADULT. React to her as if her future depends on your reaction, because I swear to you, it does. Just as much as your reactions to your son are that important in developing his mind, your niece is vulnerable and still developing, too. Be mindful of that.

When my aunt, whom I also called Mom, was having difficulties dealing with me as a pre-teen and a teen, she asked our pastor for advice. He told her if she didn't give me the love I needed, I would find it where I could when I got older. I had no knowledge of this but oh my gosh, was he right. Except it wasn't love I was finding. It was comfort, which never lasted long.

A mother figure is so important to a young girl. KNOW you are shaping her, too, and you've got to be the mom you are proud of, not one who is seeking permission to slack off because this is hard more often than not. Alone time with your niece on a regular basis will help you two work this out but it's up to you to ensure that happens, not her.

I wish you so much love, C., and so much patience. I know you want to do the right thing, which is why you took her in. God will give you the strength. He's also giving you the knowledge (like when she's hurt and you think you should do more than you are) but you're choosing convenience over mothering. Be strong enough to choose more wisely.

D.

Dear C.,

First of all - realize that you did a WONDERFUL thing by taking this child into your home and your life. If not for you and your husband - where would she be today?

Now, as to feeling "motherly" towards her - you aren't her mother and never will be but you can love this child and treat her as if she were your own.

You must understand that since she came into your permanent care when she was 11 years old - her personality had already been formed. I am sure that she had been through some tough times that no child should have to endure. I am sure that she realizes that her own mother GAVE her to you. She probably had and still has some resentment issues both towards her mother and as unfair as it might be - she probably resents you too because you are capable of keeping and taking care of your own child when her mother could not do that for her. She probably wishes you were her mom and at the same time feels guilty for wishing that.

Have you sought any type of counseling for her (and maybe for you too?)

As far as loving her the way you love your own child - that is hard. You are going to have to work hard on that. There is no one more precious to a person that their own child but your neice deserves to be fully loved. Perhaps because of her age - you didn't think that she would want the same demonstrations of love that your child does. Perhaps she put you "off" at first and now it is hard for you to step in and display the love she needs. Now that she is 14 - she is going to need a mother more than ever. So much is going on with her physically and emotionally. Have you tried having some special "girl" time - just you and her?

Have you talked to your pastor about this? Don't be ashamed to seek out those that may have dealt with this type of issue and may have some valid suggestions for you. You have taken a BIG step by posting your issues here with the "mommas" - but don't stop with us.

Good luck and may God Bless You and your family

Hi,
I can understand how you are feeling and I am sure it is very difficult for you right now. It is only natural for you to be more loving toward your son. He is your first child and he is YOUR child. You carried him for 9 months and gave birth to him when you didn't do that with your neice. You have to try and see things from her side too. She is without her real mom and that has got to be very hard for, whether she talks to you about it or not. You are not going to love her the same as your son. You can love her just as much but of course it is different. Maybe you should talk to your pastor or preist. She needs to know and feel loved by you. You also have to understand she isn't an inconvenience unless you took her in and didn't want her?? I suggest another thing, is there someone out there, grandmother that truly loves her and wants her? If so maybe she should live with them if you can't give her what she needs. You have to seperate the two. She is a girl and your child a boy. They are treated totally different. I have one of each. My brother has a son and honestly I can't say that I would take him in if needed. Our other sister which has no kids loves him as he was her own. I can't say the same. Like you, I love him but not like I do my own. You have a decission to make and if you choose to continue then it's something that you really need to work on. You could try counseling also. I don't know whatelse to say but good luck and do the right thing for you and your neice.
SH

Your relationship sounds like a pretty normal mother daughter relationship, mothers are always closer to sons and fathers to daughters. You fight with her, all mothers fight with their daughters at some time it is normal. Girls are difficult especially fourteen year old girls. You seem to love her just fine. Of course you feel resentful when you feel what she wants is an inconvenience. You will feel the same when you son is the same age. At the moment he is still a baby and needs you all the time. She doesn't. she is at the age where your over indulgent feelings wouldn't be appreciated anyway. You can't compare how you react to your daughter and how you react to your son. Wait until he is at the same age as she is now and see how you feel about him then. How do you think you should feel about her? Even if you had borne her you wouldn't feel the same way now as you did when she was a baby.

My grandson is nine and I do not rush to hug him if he hurts himself now the same way I did when he was two. He wouldn't like it. It was the same with his mother. When she broke her arm and smashed up her face when she was seven I reacted a lot more compassionately than I did when she fell over at fifteen and split her chin. Being over protective of them at that age is not what they want.If she needed more sympathy she will let you know. "Are you all right" tells her you care. So don't beat yourself up about your feelings you are doing fine it is normal to be less 'in love' with a teenager than a baby. They are moving away from parental control and don't want to be mollycoddled. They often get embarrassed by mothers who show too much love they want to know it is there they don't want anyone to see it though. Of course you can push the anxiety away when she is hurt, she is old enough to tell you if she is really hurt whereas your son isn't so you worry.

Persevere you will get through it and find that you loved her all the time but didn't realise it.

You do not feel those maternal feelings towards your niece because you are not her mother. It is a basic bonding and attachment issue. You may never have those feelings towards her. Praying will not change that reality. Work on the relationship with your niece and perhaps you will grow to simply love her as a child of God. Perhaps, you need to r3flect on your resentments towards your sister and your neice. Remember, she is not responsible for the circumstances that brought her to you.

I think you might be afraid she'll leave you so you'd rather not get attached. Maybe you feel better NOT feeling so to protect yourself. I think you need to accept your situation and "step up" to the challenge. I'm trying to say this in a positive way! Love her unconditionally. You are very young to have this age of a child to tend to and it's hard no matter what age you are (I have a 12 yo and I'm 34-it's a challenge.)

To feel more connected to her start have a mom/daughter day. Go someplace you'd both love to go. Catch a movie, do lunch, window shopping. Make it fun and light. Over time you'll feel closer. Then start a conversation. Tell her you love her. Tell her you're glad she's in your life and a part of your family. Tell her you're sorry for the way you've acted and that you want a relationship with her. Expect nothing in return from her. Give time and space and see what happens.

Good luck!!

It sounds like maybe you view/treat her as you would a sister, since she reminds you so much of your sister. Your reactions to her getting hurt, your fighting and doing things to irritate eachother...is all things sisters do to one another, not a parent/child relationship. Maybe instead of trying to be more like her mother, you should first try to view and look at her as your niece, treat her as so...rather than a sibbling. How did you treat her before she moved in with you? This same way? Even though this situation may be hard for you, struggling to raise a daughter that reminds you so much of your sister whom is messing up her own life....imagine being in her shoes, with her own mother that is messing up her own life, to the point of not being able to care for her (assuming that is what has happened). She is 14...and going through this hard time, I am sure she is a bundle of hormones, and just trying to adjust to all of her changes best she can. The only suggestion I can think of is to start a new journal, where at the end of the day, you can record your relationship with her, what you did/said that you are happy with, what you did/said that you would do differently, how you should have done it. Maybe that will help you to see different ways to handle situations with this new daughter, so that when a similar situation arises, it will be fresh in your mind, and you will already have choices that you have thought of...to handle it more motherly. Ultimately, you want to be close with her..and every relationship takes work, you just need to figure out what way will work for you. Good luck..
K.

Wow, sounds like a tough time! I am sure you have some deep down resentment towards your sister for not taking care of her responsibilities and you could be channeling some of that to your neice! Not to mention the fact that she is only 11 years younger than you! Its almost a sister/brother relationship! My half brother is 11 years younger than me, and we fought all the time! Even when I was in my 20's and after I got married, too! Its hard to be motherly to someone that close to your age. The "child" resists it, and its tough to not feel like their peer/friend. At least for me...but that could be because he was my brother! It even tougher for me now that he's 19 and I'm 30! I can't believe that little baby who's diaper I changed, is in college! He sang a solo in our church choir Christmas cantata, and I couldn't looke at him, or I thought I'd bawl my eyes out! THATS MY BABY brother! haha! I say, keep praying, because that always is the best thing to do, and maybe if you can identify the underlying issues and realize that you might be putting off feelings toward your sister onto her daughter, you might be able to work through it. Family counseling may help too. Talk to your pastor! That's what they are there for! (Unless that is your family, since you said you are working toward the ministry!?). My step-dad is actually my pastor, so I know how that goes! I think having her home-schooled might have caused some of the strain, and if you haven't had her until she was 11, then its going to be a tough situation anyway! It sounds like you are doing the best you can at this point, and the best you can do is keep praying and try to remember that God has put you into her life to show His love to her! And show her what kind of life she should live! I hope that you will be able to figure these things out and that God will give you a peace about it all! God Bless and Merry CHRISTmas! You message me anytime if you just want to talk!

Hi C.!
First my hats off to you for taking on another child. I'm thinking that maybe you're not feeling so close to your niece is because in your heart of hearts, you're afraid of getting hurt. Don't try so hard & it'll come to you. You'll never love any child in the same way as another, whether it's your flesh & blood or someone elses. Besides, she's a "tween" that in itself is a handful. It sounds to me like you have a good heart & mean well, so I'm sure it will work out in time.
Good luck & Happy Holidays!
Mary-Ann

Hi there,

I think that you are doing a great job and taking in your sister's daughter and calling her your own is a very selfless thing to do. It's hard to take in another person's child, she was 11 when you got her, so it's harder to "baby" her in ways. Your son is going to get different treatment and you will have different feelings towards him because you gave birth to him. As time goes on, the feelings may get stronger, but she is also in teenage years, those are always a tough time for parents.

Don't be so hard on yourself. You are doing a great job, be proud of that.
Good luck!

You're doing great. Just remember when she gets in fights with you, it's because she sees you as a parent and means she feels comfortable enough to do so. With your sister still alive, it's understandable that maybe your niece isn't fully giving you the daughter signal, so it's hard for you to reciprocate the mom signal. She is also much older than your son, who is still a baby in many ways. At 14, kids grow up, especially when they know their parents are not perfect people. This causes them to be more or less independant, which you probably also pick up. I'm sure your sister still loves her and they still have a mother daughter bond despite hardships, so you don't have to feel like you need to be the mom, just a caretaker who is wonderfully supportive and available. Keep up the good work!

I think part of the problem is that you are just really young to be a mom to a 14 yo. You haven't had the same chance to bond with your "daughter" as you have had with your son. The best advice that I can give is to accept that you don't have the same feelings for her. Once you accept it, maybe you can start building some more genuine connections over things going on in your lives now. You really are more like sisters, in a way, due to your eleven year age difference. You can still have a great relationship, but it will never be as 'motherly' as you have with your son. Hope this helps.

C.,

Please don't feel badly. Not many women are able to achieve the deep level of connection with other people's children that they have with their own. I say this as an experienced step-mother. It sounds like you are caring for her well. Don't think that fighting and getting on each other's nerves means that you don't care about her. All it means is that she's a teenager. My mom and I fought all the time when I was a teenager. I suspect it is ever so for teenage girls and their mothers (or whichever female is raising them). Perhaps you may overreact to her issues because she reminds you of your sister and you are afraid that she is going to make the mess out of her life that your sister has. If that is the case, I think you should sit down with her and have a very serious and grown-up conversation about what you want out of life for her, and what kinds of behaviors she is going to need to modify if she doesn't want to end up like her mother. It just sounds like you need to be able to separate her from your sister in your mind and working together to forge a new future for her may help you accomplish this.

As for treating her differently than your son, your son is only three. Toddlers need a lot more TLC. I'm sure you will treat him a little bit more like you treat her when he's a teen. Plus, you've had him from day one, so it's easier for you to read him since you were the one laying the pathways for his personality. Not so for her. Maybe you just need to get to know her even better. Set aside some special time for just you and her to do girl things. Get your nails done or something.

You obviously care about her a lot or you wouldn't even be concerned about this. Just relax, find a way to connect with her, talk to her about your sister and why you want better for her and all of those emotions will come in time.

Best of luck!

sounds like the two of you could benefit from family counseling and maybe at some point add your husband as well

C.,
I feel for you and your situation, first of all. Second, I have a question. Why are you trying to be a mother to your neice? Can't you just be her aunt? Maybe she doesn't want another "mom."
You are 25 and she is 14. There are only 11 years between you. Teenage years are rough anyway. From what you put in your post you she reminds you of your sister. That's fine and well but you have to remember that she is NOT your sister. Learn who she is and what she wants. Do you ever just sit down and talk to her?
I certainly hope things get better for the two of you.

I don't know if I have much advice for your situation but understand that the both of you have alot on your plates. She with diabetes and you with fibromyalgia, both of which add stress to your lives. I think you need to sit down and have a heart-to-heart but what you need from each other and how your illnesses impact each of you physically and emotionally.

I've beena type 1 diabetic most of my life (nearly 30 years) so if there is anything I can help you with please let me know.

C.,

You are giving this girl a wonderful gift. The woman she becomes will be because of you! Please don't beat yourself up- the mother/child bond takes years to develop. You two haven't had that time together. If you had gotten her at 3 yrs old, you would feel differently.

I'll bet your feelings toward her have more to do with your sister than you realize. It is ok to feel that resentment. I would suggest a couple of counseling sessions. You need to take time to work out your own feelings- like most moms, you are spending a lot of time and energy on everyone else. Good luck C.!

I'd read up on stepmothering, specifically custodial stepmothering (where the father has custody). You might also look for adoption or foster child resources. Remember, too, that 14 is a tough age for girls and it can be hard to love them - biological or not. Your feelings sound very normal in a stepparent sort of way. We are often told to love a child "like your own" but it's not always possible and the child may not love you the exact same way, either, especially if the bioparents are still around. Don't beat yourself up for how you feel. You're not being abusive. You just have a different relationship than with your son.

You might try doing one thing a week that may not be the most convienent, but would do the most good for you/her/your family. Maybe offer to pick up or drop off her friends in Silver Spring on the occasion.