Problem with Another Mom

Sounds like way too much drama! I'd find another group or just visit with the moms you like (but leave the other gal out of conversation).

Yes, this is all petty, high school catty stuff, and most are probably apt to tell you to just find another group. But you shouldnt be kicked out of a club without any warning or reason etc. I can understand wanting to still be a part of the group as you have made positive connections with others. What to do depends on what you want, do you want to be allowed back in even if it means uncomfortableness with others, and possibly have a black mark on you so to speak? At the very least demand an explanation from the leader and call her on not following protocol. Explain to her how the mom took her event review personally and now has a vendetta out. Perhaps they could make those things annonymous now. In the same breath however, sometimes people attract this kind of stuff--drama to their lives. Maybe you should reflect on what you have done that has perhaps aided you in getting into this situation. And change it for good. Hopefully you wont have to go thru this again.

I was going to share my thoughts but after reading Lynne E's response, I have nothing to offer. Lynne so eloquently described my thouhts! May be I should add that you will really know who the "trouble-maker" is once you join the next group, as history tends to repear itself.

It seems that this situation started with your comments about another person's home/event. Obviously those comments combined with your remarks about the people smoking outside your home, which probably seemed very judgmental about smokers, are not coming across the way you intended them. I think this will become a problem no matter where you go or what group you join until you understand that your diplomacy is not where it should be, especially considering the number of women you interact with in this group. You've hurt some people's feelings and until you own up to it and apologize, you might never get back into the group. Even if you apologize you still might not get back in. I think that is something you just might have to accept.

The important thing to understand is you are, at least in part, responsible for the reactions these women have had. You were not tactful with your remarks and now you've paid the price. I think you might have to grovel or move on. But a lesson can be learned from this so it doesn't have to happen again in the future.

You have my sincere best wishes in the future. We've all said something that resulted in situations we've had to undo. Good luck with this one.

If I read your right - you got kicked out? Kicked out of the Mom's group? If that is what you are saying than, move on. They have a list of rules? I've been involved in Mom's groups and playgroups for nearly 6 years now. I've met some really annoying people, but no one has EVER been kicked out. I mean, on what grounds were you kicked out on? For not getting along with another Mom? Do we have the whole story here? I'd say, take your experience and start your own group or just hang out with your core friends that you've met along the way.

Don't waste anymore energy on this "group". They aren't worth it!!
M.

Personally, I would take it as a favor!! You say you had other friends in this group, where are they!! Who joined the group first, you or her!! If by now nobody's come to your rescue, they weren't friends after all and I would cut my losses and move on!!! Like I tell my kids, friends come and go only true ones stick around through the good and the bad!!! Good Luck!!

V.

This sounds like a painful time for you and my heart goes out to you. Not knowing exactly what you said in your scrapbooking critique and smoking jokes, it is hard to truly know, but I tend to agree with Tammy A's post. You are all grown women, and there must be a reason you were kicked out and the leader is not returning your calls. The other woman who confronted you in a hostile manner was not appropriate, but perhaps some of the things you've said, done and joked about were not, either. This may be an opportunity to look within yourself and see if there are changes you need to make. In the meantime, call this woman and apologize in a humble fashion and ask her what you've done since it feels like you got off on the wrong foot with her from the get go. Listen to her comments with an open heart and mind. You can try emailing the head organizer, but I'm wondering what rule you broke that was so awful they kicked you out?? You didn't mention that. As another poster said, there is a possibility this has gone south permanently for you. Take it as a learning experience that possibly you need to be more humble and gracious?

Also, are you aware of the MOMS CLUB? Here is a link where you can read about it and find a playgroup near you. Good luck. I had a great time with mine until my son got into kindergarten and I dropped out.
http://www.momsclub.org/welcome.html

For what it's worth, I don't know all the details of the adult side of the drama, but how sad for all your babies! I would think the "playgroup" would be more about the playing :)

After all this, if the playgroup is willing to turn their backs on you, big deal. See if you can have get togethers on your own with moms that you do get along with. I assume there is no clause in the contract (HA HA, playgroup contract!) that says you can't be friends outside of this? You were already an organizer there...do it again

With those kind of friends, who needs enemies? The best thing to be a good example for your girls now is to be the bigger stronger woman and avoid people like that like the PLAGUE! I guess if you have the guts for a confrontation, you could just get this mom to the side and work out a playschedule that arranges you to not be in the same settings. Seems too much trouble though considering how many people there are in this world! Go catch yourself some new playfish.

T.,
I'm not sure I'd fight my way back into a group that seems to disregard your many contributions so easily! It sounds to me as though there is some very fickle and jealous behavior going on. I think you need to decide if these people truly have the qualities you want in friends/fellow mothers. You may want to seek out some new friends who place more emphasis on the same things you value.

Good Luck!
T.

T.,
Move on, I'ts hard to go back to the way it was when there has been a few words exchanged. Find a new group.

I agree with Carrie B. Unless you have someone on the inside to advocate for you, I would drop it. The other woman has decided to rally others against you (which is unfortunate) and the "leader" doesn't have a brain or backbone to tell her to cut it out.

If you want, you can post an email to the group (since the leader isn't returning your call - but give that some time... maybe she is busy with her family) giving your side, but after that, you should drop the whole thing and move on.

Well, as a 37 year old woman I think that you should be able to attend the same group while ignoring people you don't want to be around. It's that simple, and if it's not worth it to you than join another group. At least show that you have the self esteem to do whatever makes you happy....this isn't highschool where you have to stay and fit in somewhere.

Hi T.:

What a difficult situation! I don't know if I have any great advice but I have been in a similar situation with one of my daughter's sports teams. We were ultimately booted out and it hurt sooo much because we trusted these people and thought they were our friends. It really hurt our daughter alot too. (which I am sure is part of the heartache with you as well). And yes, there was one womam nmanipulating and spewing her poison all over the team. The key question is: who are your true friends? because true friends wouldn't treat you that way. Perhaps taking on the entire group at once is too much but maybe meeting with a few of the women from the group would help. Have lunch or dinner with them away from the kids and feel them out. Ask them what happened. Why were you treated in such a way? Perhaps you all will start a new, smaller, more intimate group with the women and children you really wish to spend your time with.

Hi Tracey, I totally hear where you are coming from. I have see a few things here, If I may share with you, I'm an organizer as well,so i know how you feel, First of all i think the playgroup thing is a good idea, I wish they would have had something like this when I was a youg mom, I'm now 51. You nentined the group had growm to 60 members, thats to large, in a froup of women that large, there's going to be gossip, power struggles, and drama, smaller groups are better, it is easier to communicate, meet the needs of everyone in the group, and have more time for th kids, a group of 60 woman could have been broken down into 3 seperate groups of 20, that's still a lot, but is more worka able. If is was a planned event at my home, I would bot allow smoking on my property period weather outside or, this is a play group that does not set a good example for the kids at all. Let me ask are any of the woman in the group from mamasource? If not advertise on mamasource and start up a new group, keep it small, to average ad at your first meeting share with the group what happened in the last group, do the dame thing does not happen again. Honestly I don;t think this should be an organazation where people get booted out of unless the behavior shown is bad for the kids. It sounds like you have a content life, happy with your family. Scrapbooking is something I've alays wanted to learn how to do. Let me know how it goes. I feel if you have to fight your way into something, it's not worth being a part of, mjy advice is start your own new group. J. L.

Hello. Not sure what city or state youe are in but why don't you look in to MOMS Club they do the same thing but for the most part not all the drama go to MOMSClub.org it should be the first web site click on it and read about it. I know its not the same friends. But do take with you head leader you have a lot of friends and history with them. Good luck, Melissa G

Gosh, T., it really sounds like a bum deal. As other moms have suggested, I think you should start your own smaller group (you've obviously got the experience to do so) and invite those moms that have become your friends. If they'd rather stay with what they know, I wouldn't hold it against them. But I'm sure you can find other moms out there that are looking for a group to join. Hey, it's their loss, right? Sounds like you really brought a lot to the table and that "other" one is only bringing negativity (which the kids surely don't need). Best of luck!

T., you are right about not everyone will like you or you will like. We are are different. Some are just able to inter-twine better than others. My advice for you is since you enjoy these get-togethers so much maybe you should start up your own. It sounds like some of the other mother's are on your side and you sound like you have great orginational skills, so you all get together and do your own thing. With friends like that you don't need enimies! Just think about it, talk with your closer mom's(friends) and see what they think. I hope it works out for you. V.- Pahrump, NV

T.,
Do you really want to be part of a group that leaves no room for mistakes and won't give you the opportunity to change your behavior? Or, at least tell your side of the story? If the group had a problem with you it should have been addressed. That they would boot you out over something so silly doesn't say much for the group. You would think that they could come up with better conflict resolution tactics. Being more sensitive and diplomatic might serve you better in the future, especially if you continue to associate with women that can't handle issues any better than these "friends" have.
Good luck,
L.

Sounds like a lot of drama...afterall, this is supposed to be all about the kids, not the moms. Why not start your own playgroup and be done with them?

I wouldn't try to talk to this mom personally. What is that going to accomplish? Do you think she will change because you have a talk with her? I really doubt it. Some people just like to stir up drama and trouble wherever they go. How do you know you've been kicked out of the group if the head of the group hasn't spoken to you? If you really want to stay a part of the group, continue to attend meetings with the group. If she says anything just smile, be polite and walk away from her. Do not engage her in any conversation at all. Keep your distance from her, but be polite and civil. Remember, fire needs fuel. Soon she will probably find someone else to pick on.

Hi T.:

If the organizer returns your call, I would give her your side of the story in a calm manner. But she should have gotten BOTH sides of the story BEFORE kicking you out of the group.

Like others have advised, I would just find another group. Or just make your own group with the gals that you have become close friends with. Doesn't have to be anything formal....maybe you just get their contact info and meet once a week at the park.

I also belong to a pretty large meetup.com Moms group down here in San Diego. I go to maybe 4 or 5 events a year. But I have met a bunch of Moms that I really get along with and we meet whenever we can apart from the group.

It's really sad when Moms get so petty about stupid stuff like that and can't talk it out like adults.

Hi, T.,

I'm sorry to hear that you are in an uncomfortable situation. I don't remember any high school drama when I was in high school (maybe I wasn't hip enough to hang around kids who were "dramatic"). Have you thought that you might have unintentionally said or done something that prompted "dramatic" types to give you a hard time? I'm not blaming you, I've just noticed that certain people tend to get involved in "drama" more than others.

I agree with many of the other respondents that it would be a good idea to start another official or unoffical moms group. I joined one in my neighborhood. The parents seem nice as do the kids, but I don't feel as though we would hang out together if it were not for having kids the same age. Therefore, I am going to find another group or form another group of moms that are more similar to me.

It sounds as though you are a very active, talented woman, so I am sure that you can find other people who share your interests and you will probably very much enjoy spending time with.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Hi T.,
This just confirms what I have heard about these moms clubs. I know several moms who joined and were dissappointed. My question to you though is after the event at this women's home, what did you say? This is just another one of those life's little challenges testing you. How I would handle this is to think about if this sort of scenario happened to one of my children. What advise would you give them? How would you suggest they handle it? If the group organizer hasn't returned your call it may be for another reason. Now if this mom was just plain insecure then fight for what you believe is right. Women can be very caddy and hard to deal with sometimes. I have become very choosy as I get older as to whom I spend my time with. For now it is my wonderful husband and daughter Catherine mostly.
Hope this helped you feel a bit less broken hearted. This is a small thing in the grand scheme of things in life. This too shall pass...

T., some people never get out of the 4th grade, if you have some friends that are fun, stay with the group, if not move on. Your kids may want to do something else too.
good luck, why waste energy unless it's great.

I think this particular group is a waste of your valuable time.They sound catty and unkind. Perhaps you can find another group that would be equally fulfilling.

Sounds like you are past the high school drama, but this other mom is not. Pathetic and sad, no? And the group leader not returning your calls speaks volumes to her maturity level as well. It might be best if you and this playgroup parted ways. It doesn't sound like a healthy place to be. There's no reason why you still can't remain friends and get together on your own with the normal moms in the group, though.

By the way, I had to chuckle when I read your profile. My name is also T., I've been married 11 years, love to bake, sew, read and be outdoors and I have two little girls. How old are your girls? Mine are 7 and almost 4. If you live near the Granada Hills area, we could start our own playgroup!

Good luck!!

that sounds pretty messed up! yeah i have been through smaller versions of this similar thing when i lived in santa barbara. its such a small community that it felt like everyone was in the same play group, and there were cliques. i thought i was out of all that high school drama myself and found out painfully that i was not! because people stay the same, their general personalities anyway. and you know what? that woman chose to be offended and you should not have to take the blunt end of her emotions. she misunderstood something you said and took it in a way she should not have. that was NOT your fault. granted you probably should have talked to her about it and apologized, but if it is mostly her then it is best not to be around her. it sounds like she has a really unhealthy attitude, or maybe shes depressed or something. either way, whenever someone was mean to me (i say this to my kids aaaaall the time, cause its true and totally works) i am just super nice to them whenever i get the chance (i dont go totally out of my way, but when the opportunity for service, for this person, arises i take it. every single time i have done this, that person has become my friend. not just an acquaintance but a real friend. it all depends on what you want to come out of this situation. even if she doesnt want to be your friend, at least you were nice and dont have that guilt.

i hope that made sense!

btw, starting your own playgroup sounds like a good idea.

I am also a member of a couple meet up groups, with 60 members in the group there is going to be gossiup, I would not hassle the group and move on there are other groups I am sure in a smaller way it would be better to be a part of.. 60 members is a lot, and rules should of been set down the first metting of the group, to me 3 strikes your out if you choose not to follow the rules, the women who 's group this is has the right to organize, host, and create the rules its her group.. don't like the way somebody is running a meet up group then open your own group..

I would let it go, move on, find another group that you enjoy. Who needs to be involved w/ people that petty? Just let it go, don't give it another thought.

Dear Tray-

I hate to say it, but I don't think the high school drama ever ends for some "women". Some people never seem to grow up. If your group let her boot you out I would definitely look for another group. If there are a few members that you feel you will miss, perhaps you could invite them to do things. Not as a "playgroup" activity, but as friends. Sometimes it's better to have a few close friends than a lot of casual friends who won't be there for you when you need them.

Good luck,
A.

It doesn't matter whether you're in a playgroup with a bunch of mom's or another group. When you have a group of women, you're going to have the drama. Remember the saying "There's always one in the crowd." I recently started a women's group in my church. It was something that had been asked of me for awhile and I finally did it. But we're going through the drama too. It's called growing pains. Strong willed women (most moms are)have their own thoughts and ideas. Somehow the organizer (who is probably going through a rough patch with this too) needs to put all the ideas into one focus, so this dilema doesn't happen again. It's very rough to be in an orgaization of total women~strong willed women. I've done a lot of community service and a total women's group is the hardest to be in. I certainly don't plan on joining another one. lol My friends are my friends and we have the same interests, whether it's just some of them or all of them. Good luck with your decisions, chin up and proud. God Bless.

Hello T.,

Are you in the Mom's Club? I had been a member of our Chapter since my boys were very little. Now they are in school and i have Cub Scout Moms to socialize with.

Mom's Club has their outings and meetings and they also place you in a Playgroup with your age of kids. Since you have all girls, why don't you start a girls play group....

Also, you don't need drama.

Your friends will change as your children change. As we get older, friendships are more golden, go with the ones who enrich your life. Your daughters are watching you pick your friendships, so why not make this a learning tool for you.

If your kids are in Soccer, you will have soccer friends.... Girl Scouts....Church.. PTA

I will be happy to give info on a Mom's club, we 3 great chapters in Rancho Cucamonga, CA

M.

I have been in a few playgroups and no one was ever kicked out, so even though to me you sound like a very nice person, your comments must have been taken the wrong way. Some people are just very defensive and take anything the wrong way. I have learned to keep comments to myself, even if people are asking for opinions on how something went, I don't say the negative things in case they get all bent out of shape, which happened in your case. Go to another playgroup. If you force your way back in, it will be very uncomfortable. In the new playgroup, just be very nice, and keep comments to yourself. Don't complain all the time like some women do (I hate complainers) and you should be fine. I just thought of something else - does your child get along with other kids? If not, that may be part of the problem. Maybe they were looking for any excuse. I wish you luck in future playgroups.

Unfortunatley, with some women, we will never be past the high school drama even when YOU ARE. I have someone like that in my life, too, and it's so ridiculous. You did not mention how the other members of your group feel about this woman - usually it's not a surprise to anyone how this person acts, and most people won't like HER. You definitely need to speak (in person if poss.) to the head of this organization and get her advice. And don't forget, what right does this person have to make any trouble for you?? If she doesn't like you, for whatever reason, that's her problem, not yours. There is no reason you should have to leave this large group just because one woman is threatened by you (showing her OWN insecurity - big time!). Just stay away from her, and if she tries to talk to you, have the confidence to say, "it's better if we stay away from each other" or something frank like that. You are both adults and it's ok to say how you feel but don't engage in a big conversation with her - you're not going to be able to get anywhere when someone is that defensive. But don't let her push you around!
M.

If you are done with the high school drama than be done with it! You have the power to overcome this lameness, to be the bigger man. Either talk to the woman and figure out how you can be in the same group together, or find another group. Who CARES what this idiot lady thinks, life is too short to waste time letting people have this kind of power over you!

Move on. If the organizer has not contacted you back then chalk it up to experience and find another play group where you might feel comfortable. It seems as though you really offended her with your suggestions and she's not willing to forgive or to shrug off her feelings so I would imagine that you're far too busy with 3 kids to deal with the drama. Good luck finding a playgroup that fits you a little better than the one run by these women. Also, I organize a playgroup with over 220 members. We've only kicked out 2 people in the 2 years I've been organizing and both were for pretty darn good reasons. It really IS possible to have a large number of women who interact together w/o drama. Find women who are more multi-faceted and therefore don't have the time to dish drama.

Wow - yes you have some high school drama. If you want back in the group - which I would question simply in regards to this one mother have such pull and the ability to influence so many other moms - honestly it doesn't reflect highly of them .....

Anyways .... first I would insist on calling this mom - meet her for coffee somewhere neutral. This moms group is for children and moms to have some time out. Simply because the two of you don't get along shouldn't mean you cannot function in the same place. It is unfair to both of you and it teaches a horrible lesson to the children in regards to problem solving. See if the two of you can agree to disagree and put the past away so that you can both benefit from this group of women. If this is generally a fun place for you to relax and share this part of your life, then you should have it. Hopefully as adults, both of you can agree to start again and maybe you won't ever be friends, but there might not be a need for bitterness.

I would also speak to the group leader. Someone needs to take charge of the group and make it clear what the policies are and how moms should respect each other. Hopefully that would help curb any future issues between moms. Moms in these groups should be helping each other, not competing. Everyone has to remember that our children model what we do - if we resolve conflict well, they will learn. If we bicker and are rude, they will do the same. This group should be full of moms who are different but are willing to work on it!

Good luck and I hope that it works out for you. Being a part of a group of moms is very helpful and important.

I too had similar problems with a "club" for moms and was bitter enough about the cattiness that I choose to look elsewhere for support with my second child. The group that I'm in now is very small (only 10 members) which is perfect. We are all very professional and courteous with one another. I understand that this "drama" can break out at any time, in any group with just one bad incident. I know it really hurts to feel shunned and the president, if she knew how to handle conflict, would have called you back with some helpful advice or at least a little compassion. Were all just human. I would highly recommend that you find another group. Check out Yahoo groups. They are more than just message boards. They are play groups, moms groups, support groups and if you find the right one, they are wonderful. Once last thing, even if you were the "trouble maker" as some have suggested here, that doesn't necessarily mean that you intentionally cause trouble wherever you go, it just means you haven't found a group of women who share your values, and that's okay. You will.

Hi T.,

I am sorry that you have to go through this experience. If I were you I would really think about whether this is worth pursuing. Sometimes it is better to just let it go. How comfortable will you be if you stay in this group?

Believe me, I know that when you feel you are in the right, there is a strong determination inside of us that wants to prove it at all costs. Unfortunately, the stress of it all may not be worth the end results.'

Unless you have good friends in the group that will back you up. I would dump it. It sounds like they are all supporting the other person. And if that is the case, they are welcome to her. They are the ones that are losing out, so let them and move on.

Let go, I have had to in a similar situation that had to do with family. It has been hard, but since I have released my need to "justify my rightness" my stress and worry over the situation has all but disappeared. Don't get me wrong I still get angry over what happened, it is taking time ... but it doesn't fester. It is well worth it to let go.

Good luck.

C.

I would bag this group immediately, don't give it a second thought. Find a few good friends that share your interests and forget about a group of people who cannot leave high school behind.

Hey T.,
So sorry to hear about that, Unfortunatly it seems that whenever a group of women get together regularly especially when it involves our kids it always ends up the same way Little nit picking about this and that. We women can be hard on each other sometimes not to mention a little hateration in the group. Sounds like a lot of mess is going on Keep your focus on the playtime for the kids. it is always easier said than done especially when your feelings are involved but girl move on and stick to friends or people who want to keep it positive and keep it pushin!!!
The world is a big place and there a lot of positive people it. good luck and say a prayer for peace of mind. On to bigger and better things.

Since you were in the group first, that mom absolutely shouldn't have the right to kick you out of the group. Should anybody, really? I would talk to the leader about your problems and maybe the two of you could come up with a solution. Isn't it sad that some women never seem to grow out of that petty high school phase?

Hi T., the best thing is to find another group. Some people like to be the center of attention and that is what this other lady sounds like. She's probably spreading other tales behind your back. Sooner or later the other members will catch on or if she has no one to bully she herself will move on. But the sad part is that her children will grow up to be bullys also. What you might do if you feel strongly about this issue is write a letter to the group leader, expressing your thoughts but without laying blame on any one person. Believe me the group will find out soon enough that you were the asset and not this other lady.

I believe that you should let it go. You are right it is high school drama and at this stage in your life you don't need that kind of drama, especially with something that was designed to be enjoyable. I know you are hurt and that is understandable, but I hope maybe you can find another group or start your own. And the fewer women the better...because when a whole set of women get together...you get drama. Hope this helps. Let me know what you decide to do.

If you haven't already seen for yourself, women in their 30's are VERY jealous and can be quite petty. I have encountered women like this over the last 10 years or so and here is my advice.

Move on!! You don't need to spend time kissing up to people like that, and in fact they will only see it as a weakness on your part and they will target you even more.

Find another group to join and go without holding back. Be yourself and people will appreciate you.

Good Luck!! B. L., mom to three girls so I know drama!!

We seem to be a society of needy people. No one can tell you who you can associate with. Keep in touch with a few from the group, that you choose to. You don't need someone else's permission to socialize. That's why it so important to know who you are as a person and not waiting for others to validate you. If you're not, join a bible believing church and let the word of God, drench your heart.

Dear T.,

I would definitely talk to the mom that is supposed to be in charge of this play group first before doing anything else. If she is in agreement with the other moms that "booted" you out, then start your own play group! Your group presently sounds so large that something like this was bound to happen. Yes, some women never get past the drama, and have something to prove.

Good luck!

I had these types of issues with the mommy groups I joined in the past. I think some women never grow out of the high school drama...well drama in general. In fact, my mother in law is 80 and still one of those women. You are always going to have that sort of thing when you throw 60 different women into a group. Since you have already tried to contact the group leader without any reciprocation you don't have any other options because it's not a group governed by laws or anything. I would make a point to stay in contact with the close friends you have made and meet up with them, you're better off with a few close friends rather than many that you can take or leave. I was kicked out of a group but I kept the friends that I was close to because I knew they were actual friends. Best wishes.

my guess is...being that you're a member of Mamasource,it is most likely that a few of the 60 members in your playgroup may also be a part of Mamasource too..(since people tend to share these sorts of forum with one another). That means, some of the women might just end up reading this post and see how ridiculous, shallow, and childish this whole situation is.

But whether they decide to come to their senses and do something about it or ignore this situation all together, you need to take a hold of your dignity and not let yourself get lost in the nonsense of "mamadrama". IT'S TOTAL NONSENSE! People are not perfect, everyone says things that they don't mean or are taken the wrong way. People need to just grow up!

This is a playgroup for the children, not a Mommy's Sorority House - where if you're not "cool" enough for them, you get "dismembered". I HOPE some of these women do end up reading this post and see how completely IDIOTIC this is. They should be EMBARASSED by such childishness that they're allowing to go on, let alone participate in it too.