Preparing for the Last Decade of Your Parents Life

You're never ready.
My 94-year-old mother-in-law is in hospice and over the last week has had several episodes that we thought were the end, only to rally somewhat. SHE is ready to go. WE aren't ready to lose this amazing woman, but we have no choice, and what will happen will happen, whether or not we are ready for it.

Could they sell their place now and get a house with you?

I'm imagining you living in the main house and them living in a guest house on the property. If you have enough land (in this imaginary place) their house could be set back away from the main house so they have privacy.

You know, I don't know how I would prepare. There is no guarantee in tomorrow for anyone, ever. People die really young and people die really old. I attended a funeral for a 22 year old who took her own life a week ago, and an infant locally passed from cancer. There is no way to prepare for those types of things. In my view, I cherish all of the time I get with my parents (who are 57 and 59). I don't think of them as old at all...in fact they aren't. I think it's best to just enjoy the time you have with them rather than to prepare for the end. That would make me miserable.

I just lost my mom mid-July. She was 81. She had suffered with COPD and other health-related issues for years. I can say that there really is no way to prepare. Even knowing that my mother had health issues, I still unrealistically thought she would be around for much longer. She probably would have been here a bit longer, but she fell and for whatever reason, that fall started a whole host of problems for her. Three weeks after the fall, we brought her home on hospice - three days later she died.

She also had started giving things away and purging, but there was still a ton of stuff to take care of in the house. It took weeks before I was comfortable enough to take things out of her house. I could not bring myself to look at her paperwork (bank records, insurance policies, etc.) because she was always so private about that stuff - I felt like I was violating her privacy. Thank goodness my sisters didn't feel that way or we would still be at square one!

I will say that your parents should have a Trust, not a Will. A trust by-passes probate and all the court fees and time involved with a probate and allows for a much smoother transition of assets.

Don't dwell on losing them - concentrate on having quality time with them.

I know how you feel. Back in the day, I was unique in having parents in their 30s when I was born. My husband's parents were about 40 when he was adopted. Today's kids have parents who, very often, were well into their 30s or early 40s when they were born. So more and more of us will be relatively young when we bury our parents. Contrast this with people like my mother who had all 4 grandparents alive when she was well into her 30s and beyond - so she "practiced" as an adult with the deaths of her grandparents long before she had to deal with her parents' deaths. That's not the same now for many families.

You're on the right track by facing tho snow. And your parents are fabulously realistic by getting so many of their ducks in a row long before exit's necessary. This is a huge blessing for you!

My advice is to be sure you know where all these papers are - life insurance policies, continuing care policies, info on pensions and investments, and so on. You need to know the name/number of their attorney, their tax accountant, etc.

You also need to have a health care proxy for each of them even if they are the other's primary proxy. You need to know their wishes regarding extraordinary measurers and end of life care. (In fact, much as you don't want to thing about it, you and your husband should have these for each other. A colleague of mine did not have this, her husband had a stroke and couldn't speak, and she had to take time off from being with him in the hospital and planning his rehab to pay $3000 to a lawyer (with her adult kids at her side) to get a court order so she could make medical decisions. It was awful. If only, she thought, we had done this for free with the primary care physician. But no, her stubborn husband refused to address it.

If you have siblings, be sure everyone is on board and informed - this should be a family meeting with them and your parents (not necessarily with your spouses. If you can't all get together, do something by Skype. If you don't all get along, have your parents write a letter to all the kids in their own words and expressing their wishes. This takes away a lot of the arguing if things are contentious, but even if they are cordial, it takes away a lot of the worry and decision-making angst if it's already decided. A lot of the "how do I prepare" stress comes from not knowing how to handle the many details and decisions. If that's all spelled out and understood ahead of time, you and your husband and your siblings/spouses can be on the same page emotionally, and that is a HUGE comfort.

When I was growing up, this stuff was all talked about openly. When my great grandmother died when I was in high school, I was with my mother and her brother/wife/kids and their parents in the funeral director's office. I listened to them collaborate on the details for the obituary, the time/location of the funeral, the location of the cemetery, and so on. I watched them cooperate, laugh, cry, argue (over her date of birth - she used to lie to make herself older!), and so on. I saw it again when my grandparents died, and I was fully prepared for everything but the grief when my dad died. It was a huge help to my mother to have me with her in the funeral director's office, as she had been with her parents when Great Grandma died. Something as small as "How many copies of the death certificate do you think you will need?" is complicated if you don't know how many pensions and insurance policies there are. So being prepared is helpful.

Like anything else, you get good at it with practice. I hope that doesn't sound morbid.

My mother was near death in December. Although she pulled through, she doesn't have a lot of time left. I have made lists of things like what papers get the obit, where memorial observance will be held, where donations may be directed in lieu of flowers, who needs to be notified (sort of a triage list: whom will I call, whom will my husband call, which people am I designating to notify different groups (the community chorus members, the retirement home friends, the old neighbors from "back home" who will need to know, my neighbors/friends, any other "constituencies" including friends I'll beg to clean my house and coordinate some food), and so on. I know people who have collected photos or poems or old wedding announcements etc. for a display. Sometimes the older grandkids can be pressed into service making a video to be shown at the home or even on endless loop at the calling hours.

When all this stuff is done, you can focus on the grief. But it's also strangely comforting to look at your parents over the course of their lives - individually, as a couple "courting" and before kids, your early years and college years, your children's births and the new role as grandparents, and so on. It helps you see them as full and complete people, not just your parents, but much more. Knowing that you will see each of them as having "A life well lived" will actually center you and comfort you before the time of comfort is upon you. It may move you into more of an "adult" or "shifted" relationship with your parents - you aren't just their daughter, you are their future caretakers and decision-makers when the dynamic changes. You will do for them what they have done for you - step into the bigger role.

And as for moving - seeing you on your own in a new state with your husband and children may actually relieve your parents of the responsibility to "be there" for you every day. That may bring them some peace and calm, knowing that you are okay on your own. If they have to worry that you will not be okay, it's going to stress them out. Now's the time to think about all that they have given you and how they have prepared you for life without them.

Good luck - I know this is so hard. But you will be glad you went through the process and did some of the difficult things now.

You sound like my son. He saw me last November and realized how much older I looked and that I had gray hair and that I "should" color it.

Children think of their parents in a certain way and that they will stay that way forever. Unfortunately, life moves on and we must all adjust to the fact that we are getting older. Be in contact with your parents but also live your own life and not worry about the "what ifs" that life throws out. You can't sit under a rock waiting for the end to happen as it might be many more years down the pike.

Yes, there comes a time that you look around you and see that many of the things that gave you pleasure are now not as important and you want to give them to people who will appreciate them as much as you do/did while you were alive. Your parents do not want you to worry about the needlessly and they have planned their final years. So be thankful that they have done that as many have not and have burdened their children with financial issues.

Embrace the time you all have left and enjoy every moment and let the small stuff go.

the other S.

PS I lost my parents by the time I was 15. I think of them now and then as they have been for over 50 years. They put all they could in my life to make me self-sufficient and to survive. I thank them everyday for what they did for me. I just wish they could come back now and see all of the progress and changes we have made in the country from 1920 to the present.

When I read this question yesterday I felt a bit upset. I had to think about my answer.

I just got back from visiting my mom who has a progressive disease and the changes this time were pretty bad. It's upsetting, but it's life. It's thought I might have the same disease, so seeing what is happening to her is sad on both counts.

I thought about your question - how do we prepare for this stuff, aging and possible sickness and deterioration ... you can't. I went through this with my family as a child when my dad became ill and passed away. And even though I went through that experience, I'm no better prepared for this.

I think instead it's like anything hard or sad in life - if you worry about it, or think about the what ifs, you'll miss out on all the positives.

For me, it really is more about acceptance. It's hard to accept this stuff, but it's part of life. So I aim to get to a point where I am ok to be upset about it, accept that I will be, and that's sort of my expectation. I'll never be prepared - but I can be ok being a bit of a mess about it. And that it will take time to adjust to each stage.

Not sure if that is helpful, but that's been my experience. I don't live near my mom, but I'm there for her in every other way - and she will be cared for. I don't think our parents want us to give up our hopes and dreams because of what will happen to them - I think that would depress my mother. So do what is right for your family. Sounds like you have very loving and considerate parents to want to sort their affairs out before they need to.

Good luck :)

My parents are older and I'm not much older than you so it's very likely they don't have many more years or it could happen any day that one of them passes. Honestly, I focus on being so grateful that I've had them as long as I have. So many of my friends have already lost their parents and the parents were much younger. 60's etc. So I'm just grateful I have been so lucky all these years and recognize it's the natural order of life for them to pass. They knock wood have had very good lives with much better than average health so we all focus on being grateful for that. People deal with losing their parents so much younger and sometimes deal with horrible illnesses for years first. So when my parents pass, it will be incredibly sad. I've always been very close to them. But it won't be tragic. Young children losing their parents is tragic and I've heard of too much of that lately. And children themselves dying is beyond tragic. So to me there is a big difference between sad and tragic and I focus on that and making sure they know how much I've appreciated what good parents they've been. We are both lucky to be in this situation... No sense in being sad already. And your parents could have easily 10 more years each.

I couldn't add to all the great advice you've gotten (and the steps your parents have already taken) about financial preparation, etc.

But perhaps you can spend some time now helping to preserve memories. My FIL is in his mid-80s, and he's lived nearly all his life in small towns in Kansas. Some don't even exist anymore. He tells great stories about life on the prairie in the 30s and 40s - the good and the bad, the happy and the difficult. So we went to visit him and took him on a driving tour, and just let him talk. We filmed him the whole time, as he said things like "oh, there's the place that my pa would send me to, to trade eggs for milk, with the Widow Steingleberger", and then he'd launch into a story about the day the town heard about a soldier coming home from the war, or the excitement of finding out that a phone line was coming to the general store. He went on and on, and it was all so insightful, to hear about his childhood. We took him to the house he was born in (it's practically collapsed now) and took pictures as he walked around the property, and remembered where the well was, and described building the windmill with his father.

After that trip, I wrote a short story (only for my husband and kids) about what I heard and experienced in that tiny town (there's only 185 people, and two stores).

I made a family heritage scrapbook, and turned it into a printed digital scrapbook, and spent a lot of time asking my parents and in-laws questions. I asked about what their parents told them about when they first arrived at Ellis Island, and at Boston Harbor, and for each family line, I included stories and personal things, not just dates and names. I categorized my digital book by family last names, and tried to give each last name a theme color (blue and yellow for the Swedish side, a darker blue and white for the Dutch family line, etc). I found photos of the ships they came on, and the harbors as they appeared when they arrived, and tried to research what was going on when their ancestors left their home countries. I included maps, and photos, and immigration forms (Ellis Island has awesome records as does Ancestry.com) and census forms along with the personal items.

This is something you could do even if you moved away. You can start a digital scrapbook, or start a series of videos that you preserve on DVDs and a flash drive (or the digital cloud, or whatever), and give a duplicate to your kids and other family members. Ask your parents what their childhood was like, what their parents told them about their childhoods, their favorite holiday, their favorite gift, their saddest day, everything. Preserve it now while you can.

I don't think you can. I think trying to prepare yourself is really just another way of not living your life.

My BIL died of AIDS the summer before we got married. He had been very sick for several years. Towards the end we all saw it coming. My MIL thought she could begin to grieve before he died. Wow was she mistaken. I don't care how much you try to prepare yourself, nothing prepares you for what you are going to feel when it does happen.

The best thing you can do is live your life and do what you can to really enjoy the people around you. Your parents are in your life now. Enjoy it! Don't think about what will happen when they are gone. Enjoy them now!

The ideal time to plan for your own demise as far as documentation goes is as soon as you have a spouse or dependent. As soon as one marries or has a child, they should have life insurance, wills, custodial plans, provisional POAs, etc.

Most people don't do that.

My mother has recently been released home from the hospital...again. She's considered hospice status with <6 months left. She can't be alone and doesn't have the means to hire care. My sister has been staying with her for the past 2 weeks. I'm taking over in a day or two, and staying until further notice. My sister and I live in different cities from each other, as well as from mom's town. Sister has a job and daughter to get back to. I'm leaving my husband and two kids behind. I work from home, but can't work from my mother's home without moving a great deal of stuff, so I've had to tell my clients I'm taking a leave.

My mother is only 58. The health crisis hit suddenly in February with no warning and no reason to supposed it would happen. Your parents have a firmer grip on reality than you do right now. You can't predict the unpredictable. They could die tomorrow. YOU could die tomorow.

My mom didn't have any planning done before now. Even though she's obviously critical, she is STILL trying to delay making formal decisions. I don't think she understands that it isn't about her needs, but ours (her kids) that it gets done.

I'm 38 (and a half! lol). I have more written plans in place than mom does. I suggest you get ready too, right now.

My mom passed in November. While she had Alzheimers and didn't know who any of us where for several years, I was devastated. I prayed that the Lord would release her from that horrible existence and I thought I was ready. When my dad called to tell me she had passed which was actually unexpectedly, I was a mess.

My dad had surgery last Friday and is recouping at my home. He lives 5 hours from me. He is financially secure but he told me the other day that the house is getting to be too much for him. He has looked at retirement communities in the Ft. Worth area and down the street from us. I think he is leaning towards Ft. Worth. That is where he is now and has a life. He has a lady friend that lives us there who he travels with. I hope he does it. I think that lifestyle would work really well for him. He won't have to worry about the yard or house.

He talks about his life and how much longer he thinks he has. He is 78 and feels he has about another 10+ years if you look at his family history. That was a shock to me. I don't think he looks his age so when he mentioned it I was shaken.

In the end, you are NEVER ready to say goodbye. No matter what. Enjoy the time you have because no one has any guarantee of how long they have.

There isn't much you can do to prepare yourself.
Beyond making sure that worldly things are in order and spending what time you have together to the fullest there isn't a lot you can do.
Death comes to everyone. You never know if it will be today or years from now. Some die young and some live a very long time and die very old. There is nothing to do to prepare yourself for it beyond recognizing that everyone is eventually going to die. My parents are younger than yours but I know that one day they won't be here. I don't dwell on it. I continue to live my life, raising my family, calling them or visiting them when I can and go on.

you never know when their last decade will be. I had NO CLUE that the last year of my mom's life would be 2013 and the times I got to see her - December 2013 in San Francisco, February in Las Vegas (and surprised her for her 75th birthday) and again in April were going to be the last great memories I have of my mom. I'm VERY thankful for them. And I was there for her last week and called time of death.

Stop fearing this. This is life - you can't get out of it alive.

LIVE YOUR LIFE. Move where you want to move. Don't whine about it.
I lived the last 16 years of my mom's life on the other side of the country. It didn't stop us from having a great relationship. It didn't stop us from communicating with each other.

You CAN call her from another state. Hell - I called my mom from ANOTHER COUNTRY....stop acting like this is the end of your life. Trust me. The world keeps moving and life goes on - even in your darkest pain. And losing my mom was DARK. It was HARD.

LIVE YOUR LIFE. Stop trying to please everyone and just do what you need to do for your family. If you have the relationship with your mom you believe you have with her? She will understand and support you.

You can die tomorrow. My girlfriend from high school just lost her husband of 25 years - in an instant. She has 5 kids - all grown and 8 grandkids and she is trying to cope. Stop living in WHAT IF's - LIVE!!

I don't think there is any way to prepare, really. I don't know that you can base where you live on your parents' remaining years. What if they have 20? It's possible. Can you be tied to them for all that time? As Wild Woman says, I think you have to live your life.

But that being said, I doubt my mother has another month left. She doesn't want to live any more. I am leaving for another visit, and this may be my last. Today I am really regretting all the times I didn't call her, mostly due to our checkered relationship. I wish I'd called her anyway, even though I didn't really want to. Now those opportunities are lost. I wish I'd made my voice sound more excited when she called, even if I didn't feel it. She was such a difficult woman, but she was my only mom.

Since you have a great relationship with your parents, you probably won't have regrets such as these. Ultimately, there really is no way to prepare for such a loss. Just live life to the fullest and enjoy your parents while they're here.

i just burried my grandma d. i was grandmas little girl. its been so hard. i am still brought to tears by her memory.
several years ago i lost my grandpa m, but i had spent 6 months grandpa sitting. and when he passed i was ready for it.
had i spent the last 6 months grandma d sitting i would probably be ok with her passing. but i was blinded by what she was not what she had become (at 85 she couldn't remember anything and was so tired and weak that she needed assistance to go potty)
in my mind she just needed to get up and do stuff so she wouldn't be tired. in reality she was too weak to get up. had i cared for her i would of seen this. grandpa d is turning 88 this month and is relieved that grandma d passed away quietly in the night.

spend time with them. see them for what they are now and not how you remember them. they are getting older and have changed. realize this and live every day as if it were the last time you will see them.

Hi J.,

All of this is your decision but you asked so I'll be honest...

Both of my parents are gone and it stinks. Mom has been gone now for 10 years and I still reach for the phone to call her. My mom died suddenly at the age of 87. My Dad had a medical injury at the hospital shortly after and spent the last 7 years bedridden and on a feeding tube. He still knew me and my children thrived caring for him. I would not give up a minute of those last years, even the stress and heartache. I wish we had been in closer proximity the few years before that. If there is anyway for them to go ahead and sell their home and go with you...I would make it happen. Day to day contact with grandparents is a marvelous thing to give your children. My youngest daughter, now 20, still wishes we had never moved away. We moved to another state for land, outdoor space and clean air.....it stressed our relationship for quite a few years...

God bless you.

M.

All you can really do is cherish and appreciate the last years. Be there for them as much as you can. If you feel the move is important for your family, you will have to weigh that against your pull to stay close to your parents. We can't answer that for you.

My grandparents are in their mid 80's and their siblings are starting to go - my grandpa was the oldest of 4 and he is the last one left. I grew up next door to them and we're very close. So I have gotten at least a glimpse of what you're talking about. My mom and her siblings all live within an hour so they are pretty close. We just love them. In the last few years there have been more hugs and "I love you's". Helping them out when we can. Taking the extra time to stop by a little more often. That's how we're dealing with it. It's not obnoxious or obvious, it's subtle. It's not turning down the fifth sour cream container of buttons and beads my Grandma gives to my son, it's taking whatever "treasures" she sends our way. You just appreciate them. And as time goes on you start to live with the realization that they will be gone before long. It won't be easier, but you can prepare yourself somewhat by accepting it.

No matter whether you expect it after a long drawn out illness, or it's sudden - it's like having the rug pulled out from under you and it takes awhile to get your bearings.
My FIL passed away suddenly 13 yrs ago and it was a shock.
We all thought he'd live as least as long as his Dad did (he died at 96) but he just turned 72, had a sudden heart attack and that was that.
He'd just got back from a trip to Atlanta and a few weeks before that he'd vacationed in New Zealand.
We all thought his heart issues were well managed and he was vital and fine!

All I can tell you is - don't worry about it so much that you borrow trouble.
Worry doesn't do anything but rob you of your peace of mind and ruins your present.
Be as happy as you can now because "these are your good old days".
The future will take care of itself.

i'm so glad your folks have planned well. that helps tremendously.
my in-laws didn't have anything planned beyond social security and my FIL's pension (he worked for the federal government so while not lavish, his pension is more than most of us working today will ever see). their family is of the 'we take care of our own' mindset, so they're living in a lovely in-law apartment in my SIL's basement.
on the surface it's great. they're with family, they have few expenses so they've dug themselves out of debt, and they have a nice place to live. but it has hidden pitfalls, and big ones. my FIL is in very poor health, and the stairs are hard for him. they don't drive any more, and refused all of our efforts to get them involved with the senior center, church activities (other than attending services) or book clubs or anything when they were still more mobile. without someone prodding them, they just sit down there in the dark all day and do pretty much nothing. i know they're depressed. but in this day and age people work, and there aren't options for them to be surrounded by laughing children and attentive adults as is usually optimistically envisioned. i so wish they would have planned for a nice retirement center where they'd have made friends and had easily accessible activities, but it wasn't my call to make.
my parents paid through the nose for the old-age retirement policies. we lost little mumsie a couple of years ago, but my dad (81) is living part of the year in their nice retirement community, which has a no-kick-out clause so if he outlives his money he still gets to stay, and part of the year at his girlfriend's CA home. he's slowing down, but still loves to travel and ballroom dance. he's got all his ducks in a row as far as his will, his money and his emergency plans.
he makes me nuts in a lot of ways, but i'm very grateful for his foresight in setting up exactly what he wants HIS last few years to look like. we tried to get him to move in with us when mumsie died, but he adamantly refused, and he was right. he's having way more fun being on his own.
your parents sound like him. good for them for being so proactive.
i 'hear' you making more excuses to futz about with your moving plans! why is this such an insurmountable situation for you, sweetie?
ETA LOVE elena B's suggestion! love it a lot!
khairete
S.

Perhaps you're asking how to prepare emotionally. I'm 72. I expect to have another 10-15 years. I'm finally mostly at peace with dying. I reached this place over many years. At first I was afraid. I pushed the fear away. It kept coming back. Eventually, I was able to accept the fear. I stopped pusbing it away. I lived with it for a few hours at a time. I was still fearful. I just accepted that it is OK to be afraid. Gradually I began to realize that I was less afraid. This year, I feel it's ok that I die. I've begun remembering things I haven't thought of in very many years. I'm enjoying those memories. One thing that helped me has been to spend time with relatives. I tell my stories to my daughter and family, get together with cousins where we reminisce. It feels like savoring this life in preparation for the future life.

My parents died 15 years ago. They lived 3 hours away from me. This summer we're cleaning out the house so we can sell it. I'm finding prompts towards remembering. My mother wanted me to help her sort and get rid of things. I wasn't able to do that. I wish she were with me now so we could remember together. I grieve her loss. At the same time i'm happy. Sorting brings happy memories.

One important thing a learned and experienced is that my mother gradually withdrew from life. We weren't as close as we had been. She had congestive heart failure. Her organs slowly died because they lacked sufficient oxygen, i'm told. Both of my parents accepted death.

My housemate of 25 years died a couple of years ago. He had cancer and lasted 6 months after the diagnosis. He was accepting of his death. I wasn't. Again, I pushed away my pain. I didn't talk with him about his dying. I spent a lot of time on the computer to avoid talking. I still not only mourn losing him. I also mourn the loss of time my fears took away from me.

To summarize, my experience has shown it works best for me to embrace death, to conciousy think about it, to remember my experiences and share my experiences.

I have a friend of 40 some years whose health is rapidly declining. Again, I've withdrawn from thinking about it. My friend is afraid. Her feelings overwhelm me. This week, I realize I need to talk about her death and cry with her.

Updated

Perhaps you're asking how to prepare emotionally. I'm 72. I expect to have another 10-15 years. I'm finally mostly at peace with dying. I reached this place over many years. At first I was afraid. I pushed the fear away. It kept coming back. Eventually, I was able to accept the fear. I stopped pusbing it away. I lived with it for a few hours at a time. I was still fearful. I just accepted that it is OK to be afraid. Gradually I began to realize that I was less afraid. This year, I feel it's ok that I die. I've begun remembering things I haven't thought of in very many years. I'm enjoying those memories. One thing that helped me has been to spend time with relatives. I tell my stories to my daughter and family, get together with cousins where we reminisce. It feels like savoring this life in preparation for the future life.

My parents died 15 years ago. They lived 3 hours away from me. This summer we're cleaning out the house so we can sell it. I'm finding prompts towards remembering. My mother wanted me to help her sort and get rid of things. I wasn't able to do that. I wish she were with me now so we could remember together. I grieve her loss. At the same time i'm happy. Sorting brings happy memories.

One important thing a learned and experienced is that my mother gradually withdrew from life. We weren't as close as we had been. She had congestive heart failure. Her organs slowly died because they lacked sufficient oxygen, i'm told. Both of my parents accepted death.

My housemate of 25 years died a couple of years ago. He had cancer and lasted 6 months after the diagnosis. He was accepting of his death. I wasn't. Again, I pushed away my pain. I didn't talk with him about his dying. I spent a lot of time on the computer to avoid talking. I still not only mourn losing him. I also mourn the loss of time my fears took away from me.

To summarize, my experience has shown it works best for me to embrace death, to conciousy think about it, to remember my experiences and share my experiences.

I have a friend of 40 some years whose health is rapidly declining. Again, I've withdrawn from thinking about it. My friend is afraid. Her feelings overwhelm me. This week, I realize I need to talk about her death and cry with her.

I just wanted to mention "why can't they move closer to you?" I moved about 3 hrs away from my folks about 7 years ago. It was tough not being close (I was only 20 min away before). After I moved, my dad had a stroke and seriously declined with Alzheimer's/dementia, and my mom went through 3 bouts with cancer. It was really hard to take care of them and my kids being 3 hrs away. Two years ago, we moved my dad to a nursing home close to me, and last year my mom moved 5 blocks from me (took a year after moving my dad to clean up/out the house, sell it, buy another one, etc.). In my case, I am the only one really capable of taking care of my parents - I have two brothers, but they are incapable of taking care of themselves, let alone anyone else. I don't know what your situation is regarding other help they may have if something happens.

Just a thought . . . Good luck!

I have no words of wisdom, but I am at the same stage of life as you. I'm 44 and my parents are in their 70s. At least you have a good relationship with them. My dad left us and was mostly absent and did not support us much...just off and on when we were kids. He lies and tells all his friends he did and they all think he is such a wonderful father. Both my parents hate each other and are still bitter after 40 years! My mom and I have a good relationship if we live in different states and we have a phone relationship only. In person it's so difficult...she is narcisistic to the extreme, has anxiety, wants to control and criticize everything, and it is her way or the highway. She's just so self centered and also a bit mean and unthinking. She refuses to downsize or get rid of any of her many many belongings and collections and she is a person who is very attached to her stuff. It will be a lot of work when it is time for me to go through it all. I wish she were like your parents and would think ahead and prepare. If you are only going to be 3 hours away...that seems super close to me. That is an easy drive. Of course I've spent most of my life in Texas and Alaska where driving from one part of the state to the next can be 14 hours. Anyway, I am wishing you luck and I am eager to read other's responses who actually have advice.

I'm in the same boat. I'm in my mid-40s and parents are in their early 70s. Same situation ... they're extremely prepared with everything.

Me, I am just doing the happy denial thing for now.

Honestly, you just can't predict. They could make it to 100. I have lost friends and relatives at far too young an age and couldn't have foreseen that. One of my grandmas had all sorts of medical conditions that should have shortened her life, but she made it to 90.

You have to do what's right for your family and if that means moving out of state, do it. A three-hour distance isn't that bad. If there was an emergency, you could be there within hours.

My only words of wisdom would be to enjoy the time you spend with your parents. If you move (and you should move because its the best thing for your family) then call or text a couple times a week just to touch base with them and encourage your kids to do the same.

We don't know how long our parents will be with us and no matter what the relationship is there's a void once they leave. We suddenly become the generation that our kids are trying to get wisdom from and wonder if we are wise enough.

Just make sure you are letting your parents choose how they want things. Make sure they have a living will so that you know their wishes. My parents actually included a news story that had a picture of someone on life support and wrote 'WE DON'T WANT THIS' across the top.