Preferential Grandparenting

Ain't gona change her. You have to learn to live with it.

I don't understand why some grandparents act like this but when they do they don't think they are and will not change.

I would tell her "Mom, if you want to go visit Johnny and Jack then you should go visit them rather than using us to take you there. Your 8 grandchildren love you and would like to have you visit with them as well". I would also suggest that your hubby and his brother stop enabling this behavior and not drive her to NY all the time.

I must wonder if the two in NY is from her "favorite" son or if the third son is not so willing to visit so it makes her want to see those two grandsons more?

My idea doesn't help your children deal but it may help eleviate them having it thrown in their faces so much.

I don't know why grandparents do this, but they do.
My own mother favors my nephew over my children. She says she doesn't, but it's obvious. The only reason I can come up with is that she favored my sister and now she favors her kid.
My kids, as they got older, expressed their feelings to me about it, so kids really are aware. In my mother's eyes, my nephew can do no wrong. She would traverse any hill or mountain to do anything for him. My mom doesn't come to any of my son's special events. She says it's too far. However, she'll drive 5 hours to stay with my sister and see my nephew. I live one hour away.
My mom never forgets my kids birthdays. There is always a card and money. And she calls them. She's very generous at Christmas and things like that. She doesn't ice them out completely. But, anything my nephew wants, anytime he wants it....He's going to be 20 in September. He still lives at home, his parents bought him a truck, he promptly totalled it. They sent him to live with my mother so he could get a job and he worked one day then quit. My mom has lived in the same town for over 30 years and she had all kinds of people willing to hire my nephew. He wasn't interested. She was giving him money for gas, letting him use her car, feeding him and finally she sent him back home. It's not like his parents don't have money. She couldn't afford to support him anymore.
She's my own mother, so trust me, there's not much that can be done or said. It is the way it is. As far as my kids being hurt, I tell them that they are wonderful and responsible and they just need to concentrate on themselves and being the best they can be and it doesn't matter if they don't get the same recognition from one person in the family. I was not my mom's favorite either. So I know how it feels. I was a stellar student, very active in sports at school. I was always the good one and it was just expected of me. Why make a big deal? My little sister was fawned over. She was a mean little kid. She got in trouble at school, she was a terror. But my mom doted on her. We're grown adults and she still does.
My mom told me once that she never helped me or made a fuss over me because she didn't have to worry about me. She knew I was smart enough and determined enough to figure things out and take care of myself.
Maybe that's why she doesn't pay as much attention to my kids.
She knows I've raised them to be strong and responsible, independent and kind-hearted, able to navigate their way. I don't know.
Maybe she feels they don't "need" her.

You have a right to hurt feelings, but you just have to live your lives. You likely won't change this woman.
If your husband decides he doesn't want to drive her 300 miles, it's up to him to say no.
In the meantime, don't magnify the difference for your kids because they will figure it out and they can manage. They can turn out perfectly okay in spite of it all. My kids love their grandmother. They are past thinking the situation means something is lacking in THEM or THEY are somehow not worthy.
In all fairness, my mom's husband, my stepfather, favored me and my kids. He wasn't as blatantly obvious about it, but I think it was his way of trying to even things up a bit.
The main thing is not to encourage your kids to dwell on it. That serves no purpose whatsoever.

Sorry this got so long, but this is my opinion. Favoritism isn't right, but it happens.
I don't understand why someone from NY doesn't come to get her or help out with the transportation.

Best wishes.

Tell your MIL to not bother your family and to get the other sons (of her 'chosen') to pay for her way to their home so she can be with her favorites - that you are tired of her behavior hurting your children. Say this to HER and only her - so she understands what her actions are being perceived as and how her behavior is hurting her other many grandkids.

I would seriously say this to her... she needs to know how she is making everyone else feel and she sounds self absorbed enough to need it plainly and matter of factly than to try and sugar coat your feelings.

We deal with a very similar situation. There is not much you can do. My boys are not 8 and 11 and I have stopped making excuses for my in-laws. I told them they should call and ask them or ask them the next time they see them. I would not make the drive to see them. If they are not willing to come to you, they wouldn't see my children. I would tell her she's welcome to come to your home for part of their trip.

Your hubby needs to talk to her. It took a lot, but my husband finally talked to his mom a little (not as much as I think he should have). It really is your husband's responsibility for your kids' sake. I reminded my husband that his mother ALWAYS defended him and his brothers - she would have never let someone else get away with treating them badly or hurting their feelings. In that sense, he is allowing her to hurt their feelings.

Or, your older two are old enough to call and invite her for a visit.

My MIL has two sons', like your husband's mom. Both sons have children. Even when we all lived in the same state, she invited the other son/family over for weekly dinners and never invited my husband and his kids. I actually internalized it and blamed myself because it has never been a warm and comfortable relationship. So then the other son and family moved out of state to the east coast. She would fly there every year or two for her vacation and spend two weeks there. That was more time than she ever spent with our kids in one year, probably their entire lives. Then we moved out of state and now we can be honest to them and say, "Gramma (how she spells it) lives out of state and that is why we don't see her" but right now as we speak, even though we are one state over to her, she is out with them on the east coast for a couple weeks. She went last year too. (Yes, we invited her out here to visit.) We even took our kids to visit her last year and she couldn't wait for us to get the heck out of there so she could have her "alone" time. That may be an understatement. Suffice to say we didn't have one breakfast or dinner together in 4 days and we spent about 2-3 hours with her because it was clear that she didn't want to spend time with us.

What I know now is that it is not me. No one can explain this bizarre, odd behavior of hers' so it is easy for me to just blame myself. Fact is, she could see them anytime without me and she still never did. She is a "user" in my view and the only time she was close to my husband is when we weren't married and he spent all his extra time and money on her. He was in the military, stationed out of state, and she would call him collect to make him pay for the calls. She welcomed him to her home during his "leave" but that was because he would drive her around for two weeks because she didn't have a car. As soon as he was with me, he stopped doing that so she has no "use" for him.

My view is that every adult makes their own choices and she is the adult. Is her behavior hurtful and contentious? Yes, of course. Sometimes the best gifts these types give us is the "example" of what not to do, how not to be. But in the end, when she's lying on her deathbed surrounded by those she chose to be her favorites and the her other grand children, whom she chose to ignore will be strangers to her. I doubt she will care though and I will concentrate on healing their hurt.

I am one mom that can actually say this grandma has never babysat my kids, changed a diaper, had a sleepover with them, or fed them as a baby. Not once. She even said, when they were babies, "I don't want them sleeping over until they are potty-trained and don't ever ask me to change a diaper." We never did and of course, they have been potty trained for a few years and she has never proffered an overnight invite.

Sorry so long. You aren't alone. It is painful. But I guess pain is a part of life sometimes. Makes you appreciate the really wonderful, balanced people even more.

Good luck and love those kids...it's all that matters in the end !

The first thing you do is not take it personally.

Whose idea is it to play favorites? Not yours. Have you been mean to her in the past? I hope not. Maybe, since she had only sons, she feels more capable being with little boys than with little girls. But that's just a guess.

The fact is that it's her decision (for the moment), and you can't change it. But why have hurt feelings? You all simply have to let it be HER problem.

And it is her problem. "Look what she's missing! Isn't it sad that she has this silly idea in her head that she doesn't want to visit us more? We're really a very nice family, and we love Grandma whether she pays attention to us or not. Meanwhile, our family has some other things to do and some other people to love. We'll be here if Grandma changes her mind!"

I wonder if there is an older couple in your neighborhood or at your church - people you know really well - who would be interested in being substitute grandparents for your children. It could be a wonderful thing for both generations.

If my MIL tried to have my hubby drive her 300 miles, we'd say "no can do". And it's true. He doesn't have the time to drive her that far. Let her figure out her own way to get there.

I don't understand the favorite game. It's so ridiculous.

I'm sorry your feelings are hurt. I wish I had the answer. I can only guess since there is no way to know why she does this. Is it possible that she is just more comfortable in their home for some reason? It might not really be the kids as much as that she likes going there for multiple reasons and has gotten to know them better for some reason? Heck, I don't know. I'm so tired of trying to figure out how to get a long with people. I love my kids profoundly and would do anything in my power for them if I think it is right. But being the mother of an adult is HARD. My kids are out there living their lives and doing things I DO NOT agree with and then I'm supposed to RESPECT them. I hear how they can't respect us if we can't respect them. I don't know if I even know what respect means anymore. It's as if there is no room for agreeing to disagree.

Sorry...I don't mean to digress. I don't think you've give us nearly enough info to even guess why she's doing it. I just mean to say that family dynamics are complicated.

To be honest? I wouldn't handle it - i would choose to ignore it. I would let my husband deal with his mother...

What's sad is your MIL is missing out on valuable time with her other grandchildren and nothing you do or say will change that...Your children will, unfortunately, remember this and when it comes to her passing - probably won't shed too many tears..

If she EXPECTS your husband to drive - then he can drive BY HIMSELF...you do not need to subject yourself or your children to this immature and rude behavior.

Oh yes. we deal with the similar thing. my hubby's mom prefers other grandkids over ours. my husband and i used to think it was because of me. i removed myself completely from her, as in no contact, and still nothing. honestly, she is aware of doing that because i have called her on it one too many times. but she hasn't changed. so now we don't deal with it. we don't have a relationship with her. our kids don't ask about her at all. i say it's her loss.

You might need to address it separately (the preferential treatment & the expectation of chauffeur service).

When she starts talking about how excited she is to go see the favorite grandsons and/or is going on and on about them, say something like, "Granny, we know you enjoy talking about Bill and Aaron and enjoy seeing them, but you spend so little time visiting with us, we would really love it if you could avoid mentioning them constantly since your other grandsons Sam and Alex are sitting right here with you and wanting you to enjoy your visit with them. They value their relationship with you, and it hurts their feelings when you talk about Bill and Aaron so much in front of them."

Or, even better, have the kids tell her directly (while you're there, for support) that all this blabbing about the other kids hurts their feelings and makes them feel unloved, since she already spends so much time with them anyway. If Granny gets upset about them sharing their feelings respectfully, back the kids up and tell her that you are trying to teach them healthy ways of expressing their feelings and their needs and you're proud that they had the courage to voice their hurt.

For the chauffeuring, your DH and his brother need to put their feet down. If she got herself there, she can get herself back. Tell her you're happy to help her make arrangements for air/bus/train, and will drop her at the station/airport.

I have been there before with both sides of the family doing it to my kids. I have just learned to ignore it. Also because i don't want my kids to be hurt, my kids don't see them as often. We have plenty of other adopted family that have filled in over the years. As my kids have gotten older in their tweens they see it and they realize it's the grandparent not them.

Offer to buy her a bus ticket online using her credit card, then wave her goodbye and crack open the champagne. Preferential grandparenting sux, but there's not much you can do.

My in-laws do the same thing ~ they favor grandSONS & not grandDAUGHTERS. We all thought at 1st that they favored the 1 grandson b/c he was the 1st born. After him, 1 family had a girl & a boy, the other had 2 girls & a boy, we had 2 girls. My kids don't notice it as much b/c we have 2 girls. The others have the "Golden Child" 1st born boy, 2 girls, & a boy. We're told the boys get WAY different treatment than their girls. The ones that have a girl & boy have said the same thing. It is quite sad for the kids b/c their feelings get hurt. I disagree withe the people that told you to get over it or ignore it. You can't do that b/c it involves your kids. I guess I'd explain that you don't know why this happens & it IS unfair. I'm sorry you have to deal with this, it stinks, when your kids are hurting, you're hurting too. Good luck!