Earlier this week, dd came home with a drawing from one of the little girls in her pre-K class. The little girl "M" drew a picture of a person, a flower on each side, and a stormy sky (black cloud & rain). She also wrote dd's name on the paper (started to write her own name, but erased it). Just so you know, I did compare the drawing style & handwriting to dd and am absolutely confident that dd did not draw the picture. Anyways, when I asked dd what it was a picture of, she explained that M handed it to her and said "it's a picture of your mom dying." I'm thinking huh?! I asked her to repeat, and she said "mama, M said it is a picture of you dying." I asked "why would M draw a picture of me dying?" DD "I don't know. I think she doesn't know that you're not dying." DD started to get sad and said she didn't want to talk about it right now. Later, at home, I brought it up again, very gently. She repeated "M said it's you dying. I think she was being mean to me and you." DD started getting tears in her eyes and said "but mama, I don't want you to die." Talk about breaking my heart! I explained that "daddy and I will be here to take care of you for a long, long time" and that she didn't need to worry about stuff like that.
Some back story: M and dd have been together in school for about a year. They are friends, but tend to get each other in trouble, so I sometimes suggest to dd that it might be better if she and M play with other friends sometimes, too. I’ve met her mom many times and we even had a play-date at the pool last summer. Her mom is a bit older than me, in her mid-40s, and has 1 adult child, 2 high schoolers, and M, who is 5. She also recently (mid-November) had a late-term miscarriage (I think she was about 25 weeks along). I am expecting and starting to show (and have also shared the news with the teachers at dd’s school)—M’s mom (and she) may be aware, although I haven’t told either of them directly.
I really think that M doesn’t know how to communicate her fears/worries about her lost sibling and it’s coming out at school. It’s not really my business, except that it does affect my daughter (who was very emotional about the picture). I talked to the teacher about it and asked if she could just ask M about the picture (no leading questions). The teacher agreed, but hasn’t done it yet. Should I just let her handle it (or not) in her own way? Or, should I give M’s mom a call and voice my concerns? If they openly discuss death in their family/culture, that’s fantastic. We are open with dd and she knows that she has family in heaven, too. But, I don’t want my 5-year-old going around sad worried that mama (or the baby) is going to die! What do you think? Should I press the teacher to talk to M (or her mom)? Should I talk to M’s mom myself? Am I just overreacting?
It probably didn’t help that my husband’s (joking) response was, “well, she is Native, she might know something?”
Thanks so much mamas! I only brought it up the 2 times that day to dd, and haven’t brought it up again. She doesn’t seem overly concerned about it, but that day/night she was pretty emotional. You all show the exact dilemma I’m going over in my head—do I a) just let it go (I already talked to dd and I mentioned it to the teacher); OR b) bring it up with the teacher again, let her handle it; OR c) talk with her mom (just mention it, so she’s aware). I do have a friendly relationship with the mom--she told me about the pregnancy very early and told me when she had the miscarriage/stillbirth (she called it a miscarriage), so I don’t feel completely out of place talking with her. We (M’s mom, the teacher, their previous teacher, and I) have all discussed the type of relationship the girls have—and that it’s a good idea to encourage them to play with other children—so this isn’t just something I came up with.
I think for now, I’ll just let it go. If anything else comes up, I’ll pursue it further. My concern was just that the mom may not be fully aware of how M is handling the loss. I will add also, yesterday, dd was drawing a picture in the living room and showed me—she said “Look mama, it’s you lying on a beach! The baby is happy in there and you are still alive.” So, she’s still kind of thinking about it, but it doesn’t seem to be bothering her. Thanks again!
JMO but.... When my kids were young and expressed their fear of me or their dad dying my response was something along the line that I don't want to die either or that my intention was to see them have babies some day.
I know it is a small distinction but since we have no idea when we will die, I think it is best not to make promises that you can't keep.
I think it's a reflection of the recent loss in M's family, not you.
Let it go.
Do you realize that your daughter got upset after you asked her multiple times what the picture was of? After she told you (matter of factly, it sounds like) you continued to question her until she didn't want to talk about it, then you brought it up again later. Had you not made a big deal about it, your daughter most likely wouldn't have thought much else about it. As she said, she initially knew that you weren't dying. They are 5, and M most likely is expressing her sadness the only way she knows how. Drop it unless something else happens, and then don't grill your daughter but call the school or M's mom directly.
Put this away. Stop worrying about it and stop asking your daughter. She had to come up with SOMETHING when you asked her several times about it.
This is not a discussion you should have with your child anymore at this point, or anyone else.
Yes, I think you're overreacting. You should allow the teacher to handle it.
If the teacher told me my kid did this-I'd be concerned. I'd seek counseling for her if I hadn't already.
If the mom called me about it I'd think she was neurotic and avoid her moving forward. (not that I wouldn't still address it)
You're probably correct that the girl is having trouble processing her feelings. It's also possible that death is a fairly new development (term) for her, and she may not really understand it.
I think you handled it well with your daughter. Perhaps you could of explained that the friend may be upset herself-and wasn't trying to make your daughter upset. When I explain things that way to my Kindergartner she usually goes to school the next day and gives the person a hug.
I'm wondering if your dd told M that you encourage her to play with other kids. You're interfering in their friendship and the friend may know that. I'm sure she doesn't wish you dead, but this may be how that came out in her imagination.
I agree with Doris day, though - you are making more of this than you should and in doing so are prolonging daughter's worry.
I think you've done everything you need to do. You passed on the information to the teacher, and you have reassured your daughter that you are not dying.
Given the fact that this girl's mother recently had a stillborn baby (after 25 weeks, it is not considered a miscarriage) and you are currently pregnant, I would not approach her with any of your concerns. Just leave that up to the teacher.
Just let the teacher handle it. Can get dicey if you go to other Mom.
i'm a little taken aback that you are giving a tiny pre-K child's drawing so much weight. and allowing it to weigh so heavily on your own child.
she's tiny. sometimes she and your daughter fuss at each other. sometimes they're mean. they're tiny.
i would listen carefully to my daughter's worries about it, and put them to rest with my calm attitude. 'oh, how nice that marymargaret drew a picture of me! i'm dying in the picture? well, i'm not dying in real life. i'll die one day, but a long long time from now. i like the flowers!'
your husband is the one who is responding with the appropriate level of concern.
khairete
S.
Given the miscarriage and the fact that you are pregnant, M may very well associate death with pregnancy at this point. I think I would bring it up to her mom - the child may need counseling to deal with the loss of the sibling. I don't think it was anything personal about you, just about her associations because of her recent experience. I wouldn't bother with the teacher again - this is a family issue that needs to be addressed at home by and with the family.
You spoke to the teacher - let her do her job. Your job is to make your daughter feel better. Which you will. She will eventually forget about it. And if she doesn't, well, remind her that you are still here living and how can you make plans to do XYZ if you were going to die?? Keep it light and make the whole thing 'just ridiculous'.
Well I'd be concerned that this other child is telling my child that I'm dying.
I personally would not object to the child saying this (the kid's not a doctor and can hardly make an accurate diagnosis) it's just that she's saying it to my child and possibly other children instead of talking about her fears/experience with a trained professional.
The professional can certainly handle it and understand it and help the kid whereas the rest of the class may not appreciate comments that foretell of their parents impending doom.
I would talk to the teacher and to the mother and express that it seems this child is having a hard time coping with her mothers miscarriage (and possibly the mother's having a hard time coping with it too - I just don't think it's wise to dump things like this on 5 yr olds who can't possibly understand what was going on)).
Whether they get some counseling or not is up to them but the predicting of other parents deaths should be stopped/redirected and handled if it should come up at school again.
