Power Struggles with Toddlers

I haven't read the other responses, but I have found that CHOICES get the best results. Like mittens, "do you want the blue ones or the red ones?" It keep them empowered that they are the ones in 'control.' Whatever that means. Just giving them the option of choosing has always worked with these strong willed children.

I always say that I don't believe the "myth" of the "terrible twos" - and truly I don't! What I do believe is that there is a normal developemental stage that toddlers go through THE RESISTANCE OF WHICH CAUSES CONFLICT. Your child has reached the point of growth where he/she suddenly realizes that he is his own person. It is natural for the child to want to have some autonomy. My sister was a master at dealing with her kids at this stage and I learned valuable lessons from her:
1. Never ask a child a question that can result in the answer NO!~ such as "do you want to get dressed now?"
2. Instead, use LIMITED CHOICES "would you like the blue shirt or the green dress today?" "do you want to go to the toilet now or after you put your shirt on?"
3. This give your toddler a feeling of empowerment over his own life and
4. Will lead to the ability to make good choices as the child grows.
The result is that the child is now dressed and feeling in charge rather than at the effect of parental orders....
5. Don't be afraid to say MAYBE.....
Kids know - instictually - when you are too busy to argue - and will ask you for a cookie when you are trying to make dinner or interupt you when you are on the phone....BECAUSE ONCE YOU SAY NO YOU MUST NOT CHANGE YOUR MIND.
6. First off, using maybe gives the child the lesson that not all needs can be immediatly met. Seconsly, it gives you a moment to think about it...maybe dinner is a long time away and a cookie wouldn't repress appitite...so where you would automatically say NO, use maybe, or just give me a moment to think and then YOU decide!
7. Make a deliniation between "NO" and "DANGER" - no ya can't have a cookie might allow wiggle room; the stove is danger and that is the end of it! This technique worked wonders with the running into the street problem - if my kid even put a foot off the curb, I would clap my hangs and shout DANGER, and child would freeze!

Anyway, I know this was a long answer to a short question, but honestly, I followed my sisters 7 steps and I swear my daughter through maybe 2 temper tantrums her entire toddlerhood!
Love and Hugs, L.

I always say that you have to pick your battles. If your child is in Danger then there is no debate - my son learned very early what "Not An Option" meant. If your child is not in danger and he doesn't want to wear a jacket... let him not wear a jacket. If he's cold he'll ask for his jacket. If it's something else where you can give him a choice of a couple of things do that. I find it's still impossible to make my son go to the toilet - he's 7 now - and it takes a lot of convincing especially before a long car ride.

Hope this helps! Good luck!

My son who is 3.5 is learning numbers right now....so I started giving him "time" to do whatever it is we r "talking" about.e.g. if I asked him to wear his jacket and he is ignoring me or doing something else, I tell him, 'mommy will count till 5 then walk out the door, u have till then to wear ur jacket (or go pee or sit at dinner etc)"...this is working for now coz it gets his attention and he loves to count with me. He always does whatever it is that the 'struggle' is about and we move on. I am sure I'll have to adapt as he grows and like the previous poster said the struggles will go on well into adulthood. I am intrigued by the book she suggested so might check it out as well!

The race/chase game works for us sometimes too. The other thing we say is, "Well, you have to come to the table. You can either do it with a timeout, or you can come without a timeout. What's your choice?" Usually, she'll obey after that...but sometimes it's a timeout. For us, consistency is key. I've done timeouts in the grocery store before, even! ;)

I make a race out of it and that seems to work every time.

Read Parenting With Love and Logic, and look for free classes in it at local schools and churches.

We made everything a game.
Cleaning his room involved tossing toys from the other side of the room into the bins (I can still get a piece of wooden train track through a 4x8 opening from 12 feet away).

When he didn't want pajamas or clothes they started to "eat" his feet, hands or head (they talk too).

Food became ridiculous stuff, fish bites were alligator toes, rice were maggots, broccoli was baby trees, noodles had food coloring added and were seaweed, etc.

We chased sugar bugs in his mouth with his tooth brush.

He "helped" us with household chores too-I handed him the clothes out of the washer to put in the dryer. With each piece I told him who it belonged to, what it was, and what color it was. As he got older we started to count: 2 daddy's shirts, 13 socks, 4 underwears, etc. He also put the dishes in the dishwasher (about age 2 1/2) and he cleaned the bathroom with me (I had the cleanest toilet handles, baseboards, and door nobs in America) Giving him "big jobs" gave him a sense of "can do" that helped when I needed him to do things on his own.

I also explained everything to him, the reason why, and I didn't sugar coat it-seat straps were because if we had an accident he would get hurt, staying with me in the store was so that no one stole him, out of the street or he would get hit.

Don't get me wrong we still had our share of power struggles (my son has my and his dads stubbornness combined) but these helped.
Good Luck

'Power-struggles' will evolve in various manifestations beyond toddler-hood, in teen-hood and college kids too.

A great book is: "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk." Its even helpful with adults.
I really recommend it. You can get it from www.amazon.com

AND, with toddlers, or any child, I find that its all about "transitioning" the child onto the next activity.
So, the key thing is don't "rush" them or "hurry" them. They do NOT like that and will dig in their heels more. Give them ample head's-up about the DAYS events... and what is expected ahead of time. Making it fun sounding or as the others said, turn it into a game or a race.

Or, I get all ready, then get into the car myself... and wait for my kids. Knowing that they do NOT want to get left behind. (meanwhile, "I" have gotten everything loaded into the car ahead of time, even the night prior so we don't have to rush). OR, keep winter coats/gear in the car all the time... so you don't have to constantly take it in AND out of the car every single day. That is what we do with our daily things/clothes/shoes.
AND... I would REALLY recommend a "car" toilet or "travel" potty.... like "On The Go Potty" which you can get at www.amazon.com and read the reviews on it there too.
Having a "toilet" IN the van/Grandma's car... has REALLY REALLY REALLY been helpful and a life-saver for us/our daughter when we're on the road and the kids(s) has to pee but there is NO toilet/restroom in sight or when you are stuck in traffic.

All the best,
Susan

Hi S.,

The best way to sidestep power struggles is to understand where they come from. Below is a link to an article I wrote that will give you a good understanding as to why they are so challenging at this age. Once you understand that toddlers are seeking power in a world where they feel powerless, you can start to create opportunities for them to have power and control in their lives. When they feel that they have some control, they will be more cooperative and willing to comply with non-negotiables.

http://www.gilabrown.com/GB/Blog/Entries/2009/7/21_The_Ga...

If I can be of any further help, feel free to contact me.
Be well,
G. B., M.A.
Child Development Specialist & Parent Educator
www.GilaBrown.com

I second the recommendation for "Parenting with Love and Logic." It's all about giving kids choices, beyond yes/no and it works beautifully.

Every misbehavior is a symptom of a need that is unmet, or "missed."

In the words of Ruth Beaglehole, CNVEP, "Every behavior is a tragic attempt to meet an unmet need... tragic because the behavior in question will NOT result in the need being met."

It is our challenge, every time our child "miss" behaves, to determine what that unmet need is, and then help them to find a behavior that meets that need, rather than misses it!

In other words, try to figure out what your child needs. Your child has a very limited supply of tools to get what he needs. Try to read beneath the behavior, and give him a better tool to meet that need!

You can read more at www.RivieraPlaySchool.blogspot.com

Lots of Love,
Linda

Keep positive reward for sucess and egnore failure eventually child will learn A. no hills raised 4 and now have 7 grandchildren

Hello, This is such a big deal. When our now 10 year old grandson was a toddler (we had legal guardianship) he had more will power than I could ever wish to have. He learned how to undo his seatbelt straps by himself. I can remember sitting on a country road waiting for him to decide that he would allow me to strap him in. It seemed like forever. I kept thinking that maybe a sheriff would drive by and I could ask him for help. I explained to him that we could not go anywhere until he allowed me to strap him in. Now, you are probably thinking why did I need his permission. Because he was so strong when he didn't want to do anything and I could not get him strapped. All at once, he noticed that there were horses nearby. I told him that if he allowed me to strap him in, we would move the car forward and he would be able to see them better. He immediately got into his seat and allowed me to strap him in. This was only one of the many times we had power struggles. I eventually took him to the sheriff's office and had an officer to explain why he needed to stay in his seat. Problem solved. It wasn't for the officer to threaten him, just to explain (as I had already done). He has grown into a super kid who is very respectful and loving to me.
As far as getting ready to do things, I would always give the children (mine, my daycare, and grandchildren) the five minute notice, then four, three, two and one. They know when we are ready to go and usually respond. Now that the grandchildren are mostly older I can give them the 20, 10, and 5 minute notices. I still like to give the 7 year old the 5,4,3,2,1.
I once had to leave to go to work and our third child ( a girl) wouldn't get dressed. We had been through this before and I decided that I was going to leave with or without her being dressed. I actually worked at the school she went to. She was a 6th grader and had been pulling this taking her time thing too long. I had given her the usual time alerts. When it was time to go, I walked out the door. I walked to work and soon, I could hear her running to catch up with me. I turned around and saw her. As soon as she saw me looking, she slowed down. When I would turn the other way, she would run. Eventually, she caught up. We got to my work/her school on time. After that, she was ready to go on time. I told my dad to do this to my sister and he did. She was so angry with me, but was on time after that.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.