Potty Training -- She Already Knows HOW and WHEN, She Just Doesn't Want To

Don't have many suggestions but based on my peds suggestions, DO NOT reprimand for this behavior. Maybe start limiting things she is allowed to usually go until she stops going in her underwear (such as watching cartoons, painting, etc). Explain to her that is for 'big girls' and when she wants to be big, she can do those things too.

As far as rewards, if they work, go with them. Just conveniently DON"T have them around when you are out.

As far as wiping her, don't do it. If she won't do it, tell her she cannot get out of the bathroom or off the toliet until she does.

She may just be requiring some more attention from you since you have had another baby and are now pregnant (a lot of changes/ less attention for her in the past few years).

Good luck!

I had this problem with my daughter, but she was 2 1/2 at the time. At 4, I think this warrants a different approach. I would absolutely NOT let her wear pullups during the day. Put her in panties and don't let her have anything else. If she has an accident, then let her clean herself up (you may have to supervise, but don't do it for her!). Also make her rinse out her clothing (basically, anything you would have to do to clean up the accident, make it her responsibility). Then, while she is doing the cleanup, discuss with her all of the things she could be doing that are more fun, but instead, she has to spend time cleaning up. Also be sure to tell her how much faster it would be if she would take the time to use the potty. I agree with you that spanking doesn't work in these situations, but you have to figure out what makes her tick and work with that. If she loves TV or a certain toy, take it away when she has an accident and tell her she can't have it back until she goes in the potty for a full day with no accidents. You are gonna have to hit her where it hurts to get through to her. If rewards work, then maybe try that. Make a chart. Buy her whatever it is that she wants most in this world and then put it in a place where she can see it, but not reach it, and then tell her after a week of no accidents, it's hers! But, if she regresses just after giving it to her, then take it away again.

I would imagine a lot of this is acting out because of the sibling and the pregnancy, but punishment (i.e. spanking, yelling, etc) was a major fail for us in this area. It simply made the situation worse. Very calmly and clearly explain what is going to happen in the future when she has an accident and that she is going to wear underwear like all of the other big girls in her class or her friends and that it will be her responsibility to use the potty, but that you will help her try to remember by reminding her throughout the day.

This is a super tough one and I can only imagine how frustrated you must be. I was frustrated and my daughter was much younger. If she was still doing this now, I would be pulling my hair out! I wish you patience and peace and I hope that it clicks with her soon. Best of luck with your pregnancy and upcoming delivery.

She seems to want attention.
Which, don't treat this as a 'bad' thing... because for a child and their child mind... it is an important thing.
Kids often regress... when stressed or when anxious... or something is bothering them on an emotional level. AND, you are pregnant and having another baby. THAT is a big deal, for a little child, too.
It is a child's way... of 'reaching out' for something they need.

Have you also tried just talking with her about it? She is 4, and you can probably have a 'conversation' about it with her. Just exploratory conversation... not lecturing her. Just talking about it... .

I would also big time... start "prepping" HER about your pregnancy and her... so that when baby comes home it is not a shock to her.
ie: when I was pregger's with my 2nd child, I spent a TON of time on my eldest. Prepping her... letting her bond with my tummy, taking photos of her and my tummy (her little brother), took her to my prenatal exams and my Doctor even taught her how to use the Doppler heart monitor on my tummy... I 'included' my eldest, my daughter in everything... so she got acquainted with her baby brother, already, in utero. I also explained to her what a baby is, ie: they wake, they cry, Mommy breastfeeds him etc., but is it NOT her 'job' to worry... that Mommy will take care of her baby brother etc. I let her ask questions about her baby brother and talk about it. It was not "MY" pregnancy... but, hers as well. SHE was having a baby too... a baby brother. Thus, I really really prepped her all about it, even while pregnant and so she was not abruptly and suddenly having to get adjusted to it all, when baby come home.
I also told her that SHE was my 'first' baby and always will be... that she does not have to worry... that Mommy, will still always love her.... and we made up a special hand-shake together... so we felt 'bonded' that way, even when baby brother came home. We also had a special nod & wink... that we could do together... so if she was across the other side of the room when I was nursing her baby brother, she could look at me that way and nod/wink and "we" would know... that each other was okay.
It made her feel comforted....

just some ideas and what I did,
All the best,
Susan

There are some books that are making the rounds among young parents I know because they offer solutions that work for all sorts of behavioral and emotional issues with kids, from toddlers on up to teens. My all-time favorite parenting book is How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. Once you try some of the easy-to-implement strategies, this will become a resource you'll reach for again and again. The techniques are mutually respectful, affirming to the needs of both parents and children.

The same authors also have a companion book I haven't read that probably incorporates many of the same themes, but focus more on the strains that kids in multiple child families experience. That one is Siblings Without Rivalry. Since your daughter's potty behavior is very likely the fallout of her feelings about younger siblings arriving on the scene, I'll bet you'd do well to start there.

We use the How To Talk approach with my grandson with brilliant results, even when he's having occasional unhappy days or wants something he simply can't have. Once we find out what his issues are, as he perceives them, and let him know we truly empathize (even if the answer is still "no"), he's generally able to switch emotional gears pretty easily. He just needs a bit of extra attention and reassurance that we are really on his team.

I also agree that the PK teacher could become your ally, encouraging your daughter to use the potty at home.

And it's reasonable to show her how to clean up her messes herself. If you are patient, or better yet even cheerful, while you teach her, it will gently hand the natural consequences of the behavior to your daughter. She'll have a much stronger incentive to avoid accidents.

Give her as much positive attention as you can, T.. I think her main fear is being displaced, and if you punish her for misbehavior, she may think that's the only attention she'll be able to get from you. Just a thought.

I think it's time to step things up a notch. Personally, I would make sure she had no TV time unless she went on the potty. I would also completely ditch the pull-ups (they are still diapers, and usually a crutch), just make sure her mattress is protected. She's old enough now to start cleaning up after herself, so let her know that from now on, if she has an accident, she will need to clean it up herself. Have the conversation first- and let her know what you will and will not do, and what will happen when she goes on the potty, and what will happen if she doesn't. If she can use the toilet at school, she can do it at home, she's just testing you and pushing you to see what you will put up with. I hear your frustration- I would be there too. Also, I would consider talking to her teacher, and having her teacher have a talk with her. I bet that would go a long way if she likes her so much. Just stick to your guns and she will come around. Give her some really good rewards when she goes on the potty (TV time, play a game with her, a sucker, etc.) and tell her you know she can do it. Try to hide your frustration as much as possible, and let her know that you believe in her, and know she can do it. Also, plan something really special- maybe a mommy/ daughter day?- when she makes it accident free for a week. :)
Also, you could tell her that if she has accidents in her panties one day, then she will have to wear diapers to school (NOT pull-ups!) the next day, and see if that doesn't help too.

Good luck!
T.
Barefoot Books Ambassador
www.ReadandGrow.com

I would get rid of the pull ups and also I think maybe the baby, pregnancy and your daughter are all in a contest. I wonder if she is trying to get your attention and maybe feels she's getting less time from you. You know her best so maybe she's just being demanding of your time but then again attitude and kind voice and so many things make such a difference. I'm not saying you don't do those things but sometimes it's hard to see when we are exasperated with a child. Also at school there are certain things she has to do and it's just expected so be sure you have guidelines and consequences to her actions that she's aware of and tell her what they are and then what you expect and then do whatever is necessary. She's controlling you and the situation and whatever you decide then stick to it until she's doing what you ask. Don't treat her like she's bad or talk about it, etc. Just say this is what you are to do and then carry out what you have to and yet don't let her think she's got you upset. Tell her you love her but this is not acceptable. I'm sure she knows that already. Let her know how special she is to you too. I wonder if she feels like the brother and baby coming are making her less loved at home. Maybe not.

It sounds like you are letting her wear pull ups (she'd rather wear the pulls ups all day and just go in them...) don't put pull ups on her. Either let her go naked (on the bottom, no panties, no pulls ups, no diaper) or just put panties on her and let her wet herself. If you've already tried this, sorry for the repeat, but if not, I think a few accidents will gross her out and she'll start to go on the pot again.

Why not just stop buying Pull Ups completely? Brace yourself for some messes. Layer the bed with pad/sheet/pad/sheet for easier sheet changes.
Put a BIG, clear bowl of <bribe> right where she can see it. (Whatever she likes best: cookies, M&Ms, fruit snacks) Tell her once that these are rewards for using the home potty. Then forget it. Place a nice clean stack of dry undies where she can get them and change her wet ones. Do not engage in a power struggle with her. at 4, she knows what she needs to do--I think she's playin' ya mom! Good luck!