Potty Training My Almost 4-Year Old Daughter

My daughter is 2 1/2. She has suffered from constipation problems since infancy. I see a wonderful gastro doctor at children's. He told me that at this point not to worry but in a year or so if no progress has been made he will send he to "Potty School". I know it sounds silly. It is offered at Children's Hospital and I know other children who have been successful with the program. It may be worth looking into. The Doctor I see is Dr. Thomas Walker. If you have any other questions feel free to contact me. Good luck!

M.

I'll start off with the cliche "when they're ready they'll get trained" Now to be serious my son just got potty trained during christmas break and he turned 4 in Nov. I was so aggrevated that he wouldn't use the potty and to be honest embarrassed. He totally got that he was supposed to go on the potty but just wouldn't.
One day I had enough and just put underwear on him and had him go potty once an hour but wasn't too strict about the time. If he peed or pooped we just said alright lets get clean clothes and that was it. He had a few pee accidents the first week but we were very passive about the whole thing. The second week we started with the pooping on the potty(that we used fruit snacks as a reward). He's done great. He's had a few poop accidents but it was while he was in bed and had a diaper on.
For us the reward for peeing didn't work. The first few times he went on the potty we gave him hugs and said how happy we were and this helped.
I know it's frustrating trying to get them potty trained but it will happen.

You need to stop using diapers or pull-ups...it just doesn't allow children to know when they are wet. Its too easy to just pee in them, rather than have to be uncomfortable, embarrassed and have to change clothes. Get LOTS of new pretty undies (have them in the bathroom for changes) and dress her in clothing that is easy to get on and off. When she has an accident, she'll have to change a lot...she won't like having to change so often, and won't like being wet either. If she is in daycare, the provider will need to have plenty of undies and fresh clothes, too and your daughter should know she's going to have the same rules there as at home (no diapers). Children at 4 can dress themselves with limited help, so if she pees, she can go in the bathroom and change into new clothes (or at least get the wet things off). She will learn much more quickly if there are NO options for diapers and pull-ups (I totally think Pull-ups were the WORST thing ever invented for toilet training and are a complete wast of money...). Good Luck!!! Think positive!! :o)

Assuming there is no medical issue going on, which it doesn't sound like there is, I agree with letting her feel more uncomfortable - use regular undies and, if you can find them, the old-fashioned training pants that keep her from soiling the furniture but keep the wetness/pool in.

The other thing you can do - but you must do it matter-of-factly without punishment - is to have her participate in the laundry aspect of her accidents. Okay, this is what we do when we have an accident: we carefully take off the undies and put the poop in the potty, where it belongs. Then we rinse the undies and we put them in the washer or in a basin to soak (whatever you do). Then we put all the other messy clothes in there (her pants, whatever else got soiled or wet). Then we add detergent... Then we have to wash wash wash our hands big time. Make it a huge hassle without there being any punitive sound to your voice. Then go sit down because you are so tired from laundry. Do not reward her with TV or your time. Point out that it took 30 minutes to do all this, or whatever. That would have been a TV show or a game or some coloring time. When she wants to do something with you or her other parent, you apologize and say that you cannot because you are busy cleaning her pretty clothes that she loves so much. You really wish you could go to the museum or for a walk or do a craft, but the housework is just taking all your time right now. You can do those things when she is older and potty trained, when she's ready. That's how it is, big kids get to do more things and, when she's bigger, she can too.

You could also let all her clothes accumulate in a soaking basin or other container, getting out the stains to try to save the clothes, so that she is completely out of her favorite clothes and has to wear things she doesn't love. Again, it's not punishment, it's just reality.

This is tough to do when you and your life partner are both not home during the day, so you will need to completely involve your babysitter or other caregiver. Otherwise you could do it over a long weekend. Keep reinforcing how you love her so much and how you can't wait to begin doing these fun things! It will be so great when she's ready! And so on!

Good luck - I did this with my son for a while before he got the hang of it!

Another perspective here. Kids potty train when they're physically and emotionally ready. My daughter pee trained at about 3.5, a few months later decided she didn't need a diaper at night either, and just pooped trained at 4.5. It was a drag to have to use diapers all this time. Even though we knew we were doing the right thing for our family, we were a little embarrassed that she was on the late side, and we did have to endure some family member's unwanted advice and pressure.

And we watched lots of kids around us get trained with candy...and tears. Everyone has their own philosophy...ours is that our daughter is in charge of her body. We gave her help and encouragement and tried (sometimes more successfully than others) to be patient. My daughter has had only a handful of few accidents at night or day...and there's been no upset any way along the way. She's very proud of herself, and we're happy about that.

So...depending on your daughter's level of maturity, I would suggest having a sit down with both parents to talk about how she is in charge of her body and that you'll help her when she's ready. Tell her you know she can do it, and she'll do it at the right time for her. And then back off. We occasionally asked if she wanted to pee or poop on the pot...and were amazed when one day she said yes and just matter of factly took care of herself.

You have to do what is right for your family and find the right balance of helping your kids grow and respecting their own needs and style. I'm sure you'll find your way. Be patient with yourselves, too. Good luck!

I think that you've gotten a lot of good advice. Potty training really depends on what kind of kid you have. I've heard (and experienced) that the "easier" kids often have a harder time potty training.

This is what we did with our daughter: Before she turned three, we told her that as soon as she was three, she had to wear underwear every day. And we got rid of pull ups. She started going on the potty, but it quickly became "accident city" in our house. We tried a sticker chart and "making" her sit on the potty once an hour. Both were not so successful, and the once an hour rule led to a lot of screaming. Not so fun. Then the poop accidents started, and I thought I was going to lose my mind. We tried having her clean up after herself, but since she couldn't do a very good job of it, that technique wasn't so successful. Finally, I read some counterintuitive advice: don't talk to her about going on the potty at all. Just drop it as a subject. Viola! Success!

Three weeks into underwear I said to her: you're a big girl, you know when you need to go on the potty, and we're not going to talk about it any more. The hardest part was training myself not to say anything about it, especially when she was dancing up and down like she had to go or she had an accident. But I didn't say anything (occasionally, if we were out in public I might say "I have to go to the bathroom, does anyone want to come with me?") and if she had an accident I changed her as matter-of-factly and emotionlessly as I could. When she did go on the potty she got praise and a sticker, but I tried not to be over the top about it. No joke, three days later, a remarkable drop in accidents. She still has them occasionally (now at almost 4) but at least now they're really accidents and not "on purposes!"

For some kids it really is a control thing. I gave her back the control that she had when she was in diapers and she was good to go. It might be the same issue with your daughter. Try giving her the warning that her time in diapers is about to end (the end of the box, the end of the month, whatever) and then leave it up to her. I wish you luck. Potty training is crazy-making!

My daughter is almost 3 and we used a potty sticker chart. we printed it out for free online and she loved it. She would get 1 sticker for pee and 2 for poo. It made her feel like a big girl to pick out the sticker after going potty.

Hi L., I'm sure you are bound to get much of the same response here...I just sent a flower to someone who basically said the same thing I'm about to say. :) As long as you are certain there is no medical reason why your little girl is unable to 'hold' her urine and poop due to muscular weaknesses i.e., then I say it's time to FADE your attention to this matter altogether by handing her a pair of 'big girl' panties, GENTLY explaining that from now she will need to choose to either go in her pants or on the toilet. (Another trick is to put the panties on first and then a diaper over that, so she FEELS uncomfortable, but you are not left with too much of a clean up). The point is she needs to commit to the change of 'letting go' and you need to back away from bringing so much attention to her 'going or not' in the toilet. Remain aloof and 'matter of fact' and then move on with your day. Natural consequences are the best way we learn and grow and discover...Good luck! Be Peace, N.

What is your faith? Do you believe in the power of prayer? Speaking life into this situation as she falls asleep telling her exactly how she will go to the bathroom on the toilet in a beautiful sweet loving voice. Often times being a "big girl" is frightening letting go of being a "baby" would seem to us like a good thng but may be frightening. Hence, the prayer may be, "lord, please work in all our hearts to bring peace and joy to this situation and to help us let go of the anxiety...to completely trust in you....Let go and let GOD". The control and anxiety parents feel often creates a palpable energy that is not positive and children are super sensitive to this kind of emotion/energy.

Finding peace and joy in all situations helps. As she is drifting off to sleep when she can't talk, speak life into the situation. Tell her how much you love her (unconditional love) how proud you are of her going on the toilet all by herself (speaking as if it is already happening). The more you talk aboub what is not happening the more negative energy around it and the more you see of what you give lots of energy and words to.

Talk through for example when she is drifting off to sleep looking so peaceful, "tomorrow when you have to go to the bathroom you will enjoy having your panties on and simply running into the bathroom when you feel like you have to go #2/poopy (whatever your terms) and simply going". Talk through taking the toilet paper and wiping herself and how proud she is of herself. Speak how special and loved she is into her and how capable she is of doing anything she wants in life. The words will come to you as you pray for guidance. Her subconcious is where we all operate out of and it's where beauttiful seeds can get planted as her mind takes this in drifting off to sleep. Note how you feel so much more relaxed talking life and love into the situation. An attitude of Gratitude around this...thank you for helping me with this situation and EXPECT great things to happen...not wish..know that you know that you know!

We attempt to do so much on our own and GOD is right there and children are so open to prayer and the LORD working in them.
I have found many times of working so hard to help my kids and when I've let go and give much over to gratitude and prayer and completely trusting...things start to change and I am not working so "hard"....it's a beautiful thing to experience.
GOD Bless You and your family.

I know you have already gotten so many responses about this and hopefully they are working for you. I thought I would just throw my 2 cents in though since I used different things to get my 3 year old daughter trained. I found this wonderful potty training program by Baby Signs. It's called the Potty Train. It comes with an instructional book for you, a board book for her, DVD, whistle (to help them focus while they are sitting waiting for something to happen, and stickers to reward them when they go. I also bought the Baby Bjorn toilet seat. This seat fits in your toilet and just has a smaller area so she won't fall in. My husband was totally grossed out by having a portable potty in the house. My daughter LOVES the seat and can put it on and take it off by herself. The two things combined and my daughter was using the potty completely less than 2 months later. A step stool in the bathroom might help her get on and off the toilet since she is young and probably won't be able to easily get on the toilet by herself. If you want to read about the Potty Train program you can go on the site pottytrainwithbabysigns.com up. One other thing that we used for my daughter was presents. I went to the dollar store and found a bunch of fun, inexpensive Disney toys. I put them in plastic baggies and hung them on the wall above the toilet. If she went to the bathroom she got to pick a toy. We used this method getting her to poop on the potty. I agree with the other responses to stop using diapers completely and skip the pull ups, they are too much like diapers. We never used them with my daughter after watching my sister use them and have them not work on her daughter. Hope these ideas helped and good luck.

Pull-ups are a mean trick the diaper companies play on parents! I have seen so many parents start potty training their kids when they are 18 months using the pull-ups and so many of these kids are still struggling in pull-ups when they are 3 or 4 years old. The best way to train is wait until they are old enough to fully understand and communicate with you and then once you decide you want to train them then make the decision to ditch the diapers for good! Once you go to underwear don't go back!! This becomes extremely confusing for them. Even at bedtime, put them to bed in underwear and after they are sleeping put a diaper on over their underwear. In the morning before they wake up you can take the diaper off or even after they wake up. Usually they are so half-asleep that they won't even notice they have a diaper on. This will save on sheets and at the same time, it won't give them the okay to pee in their diaper when they are laying in bed. Even if they are having accidents in the underwear for the first couple of days this is going to get very old for them. They are going to be sick of the interuptions and discomfort. Another person had mentioned that you could leave a bunch of cute undies in the bathroom. This could also backfire. The novelty of all the pretty new underwear could be incentive for accidents. Don't mean to be too opinionated. It's just that I tried that with one of my kids and I loved the idea, but soon realized if he wanted to try out a new pair then all he had to do was pee in the ones he had on. Finally what I ended up doing was when I put on a favorite pair I would tell him it was his last "Diego" pair and I showed him the plain white ones that he would have to use if he peed on Diego. This worked really well. Good luck!! Everything will work out fine :)

Hi L.,

Assuming that your daughter does not have any physical or developmental reasons for not using the potty, I would simply bring her into the bathroom with me. Sit down and pee and say this is how big girls go pee. Now that you are big I want you to go pee on the potty like mommy.

Then take away all diapers, pull-ups etc. No rewards, cajoling and very little attention to the matter. Then deal with the mess if it comes. Believe me she'll quickly get tired of being wet. Also, don't punish her for accidents, but I would make her change herself. Simple cause and effect works best. I think she may be enjoying the attention.

Best Wishes.

J. L.

It is simple take away the diapers and pullups and she will soon realize how uncomfortable it is to have wet clothes. The problem w/ pullups (even the coolwet ones) and diapers are that they can't feel that they are wet. The pullups that claim they allow them to feel wet just feel cool not wet and the ones that change color sometimes take a lot of pee to make them change. The rules in my town for preschool and kindergarten are they can't go unless they are potty trained so you could tell her if she wants to be a big girl and go to school she has to start using the potty. My son was a late potty trainer but it turned out that frequent uncontrolable urniation was a side effect of his asthma medication wish I had know that then. Try setting a kitchen timer for every hour and tell her when you set it that when it rings it is time to go potty reguardless of whether or not she has to go.

Congratulations on taking the step to put your daughter in underwear! I would also making sure you are home all day and setting to have her try to go every hour. Good luck!

Hi L..

Congrats on your little girls big girl undies! I am a daycare provider and I have potty trained many children I always find that lots of patients,big kid undies and sticker reward system works!! If you have any questions feel free to email me.
Good Luck,
R..