Potty Training Help Please? - Beaverton,OR

I think Hazel hit the nail on the head. At this age it is a cry for attention, so the worst thing you can do is to fuss over him. Back off, congratulate him when he is successful, and if he messes himself he must clean it up himself. He needs to understand that next year he is to start kindergarten and big boys don't do that.

Hello C.,

I am a parent coach and have potty training children for many years. It sounds like your strong willed son is a hand full, but just remember a strong willed child creates a successful adult.

I've worked with strong willed children a lot over the years and the one thing I learned is not to push. Try to examine what your child's motivation is and work with that. If your son refuses to go potty because he's watching his favorite program, pause the show or wait for a commercial to suggest potty time.

As for his accidents, I agree you should not punish. Punishment will not help, because your son will dig in harder. With that said, I suggest using natural consequences to re enforce potty time. If he pees on the floor, he must clean the floor and wash his clothes. Explain to him there is a difference between an accident, which happens even if he tries his best and a mess which happens because he didn't try at all

Since your son goes potty for Grandma, it doesn't sound like there is a medial issue, but you may want to talk your sons doctor.

Good Luck-

R. Magby

If you equate consequences to punishment and you don't want to punish your 4 yr old for his behavior by removing the consequences, you've set him up for life time failures, beginning in pre-school/kindergarten. It's a necessity that he be potty trained before he enters any type of school. He's using this as an attention grabber. You're focused on the family business, and rightly so, but that doesn't give him permission to soil himself. So, until he's potty trained there are no more trips to the store, to McDonalds, to the library or park, no more playing with friends because they don't wet their pants and don't want to play with someone who is stinky and dirty. And soiling one's self is dirty. He knows what he's doing, he's demonstrated that at your Mom's house. He earns the various activities back. Yes it will be inconvienent for you for a while, but you bear some responsibility in this situation as well. Kids don't self train. Yes they'll age, get older, but that doesn't mean they grow up. They need training and guidance, positive reinforcement and consequences good and bad to their behaviors. I'm not taking this literally but "Spare the rod and spoil the child" does have a ring of truth to it. Don't use the rod, but do set consequences, good and bad, in place for behaviors. At this rate, you will be changing depends on your home schooled 3rd grader, as no teacher will change his diapers, life is too busy for teachers as it is.

It sounds to me that the best thing at this point would be to back off. It sounds like it's turned into a battle of will and has nothing to do with learning to use the potty. As you mentioned, it's only with you that he refuses to use the potty. I would just put him in diapers and tell him to let you know when he's ready to use the potty. If you don't appear to care either way, he'll get over it and want to be like all the other big boys eventually.

My friend had the same problem with her son. He's about to turn 5 and it was only about 4 or 5 months ago that the potty training was finally successful. I would try just leaving him alone for now. It sounds like a control thing. Don't do rewards or punishment, and don't ask him too much about going (I've heard that can make kids frustrated). What I did for my son, was I still kept him in underwear and if he had an accident (at home) we didn't get him clean clothes right away. This way, they get a little uncomfortable after a few minutes....

While I didn't have a bad experience, I still sympathize and hope you have some success.

I agree, do not punish, but do not reward either. When my son was training and he peed in his paints, then we went home from the park or what ever fun we were doing, because you can not go out and have fun and play in we pants. I did not say "this is a punishment", but he figured out fast that if he wanted to be outside playing with his friends and not have to go inside, he needed to stay dry.

I just want to tell you that I have felt what you are going through. I have twin boys. They are just over 3 1/2. I have been trying to potty train them since they were 2 1/2 with no luck. I too tried everything. I have tried about 3 separate times with no luck. Plus, it didn't help that I didn't have much patience for this. I send them to school 2 days a week. They would go potty at school about 3 times a day, but nothing at home. Finally they moved them to a different classroom. That teacher started taking them potty every 30 to 45 minutes. I decided to just potty train one at a time. For some reason I picked the one that went the least amount of time both at home and at school. We worked at it for two days at home and them the third day was at school and I can say he is potty trained. It literally took only 3 days. I couldn't believe it. So my advice to is one, they will only do it when they are ready. I think that was my case. My little guy just decided he was ready. And too, and I am not sure how feasible this will be, but have grandma come to your house to help potty train. If he goes for grandma then try and see if he goes for grandma at home. I wish you luck. I know it can be very frustrating. I thought I was going to have 40 yr old boys at home because they couldn't be potty trained. And, if you could keep your fingers crossed for me. I am going to attempt to potty train my other little guy this week. He too, could care less if he went in his pants. Doesn't that just seem crazy!!

Some wonderful suggestions here. I have to agree that this sounds like it could be an attention-getting tactic. We want so much to help our children succeed, as much for themselves as for our convenience, and yet our efforts often to the opposite affect: our child gets far more of our time and engagement than they do just using the toilet.

If it were me, I'd consider how to reverse those dynamics. I wouldn't 'reward' using the toilet, but try to find other ways of giving your son some little pockets of special attention unrelated to the potty issue. Then, when he does wet or mess himself, offer him some time in the bathroom to change himself (bring in a plastic bag and clean clothes) and see what you can do to be otherwise engaged for five minutes or so. "I'm right in the middle of (dishes, laundry, etc.), but work on it yourself for a bit and then I'll come help you when I'm finished." (This may not work for poopy pants, but those happen less often.) Taking a break does two things: allows you to emotionally disengage regarding an issue that is obviously vexing after a while and sends a message to your son that #1-you think he's capable of taking care of this little task and #2-doesn't immediately provide the payoff, which is attention from you.

It's difficult when a child's intrinsic motivation points them in a different direction (attention instead of proficiency in toilet learning) but granted all the changes that have come up, expect that this may be a longer process. The more you can send positive signals to him that you love him and that toilet learning is HIS challenge, not yours (and that you will be patient with it) he'll be encouraged to move forward, even slowly. And having social opportunities to see other children his age using the toilet might be just what he needs. He'll get it eventually!

Hi!

I had the same experience with my 3 1/2 year old, who from the way you describe it sounds like he has the same personality as your son. We chose not to fight him -- he did fine at school all day and would chose to pee in the toilet at home, but only when we told him it was time to go (never, ever, poop on the toilet at home). We tried bribes, movies, time out...

We were certain it was a power struggle between he and us so when we stopped trying to bribe and convince him to do it, he went! Seriously!! One day he just walked up to me and said "mommy, I go poop on the potty I get a surprise? I want to go poop" -- he is the kid that will not do anything unless it is his idea!! We've not looked back since!

best of luck to you!!

*K

I have a friend whose son didn't potty train until he was 4. She talked to him and he decided that he would use the potty when he turned four. One day before his birthday, he was in diapers. On his birthday he was potty trained. Maybe you can try letting your son choose a day to start using the potty. Also, I had a strong willed little girl who was potty trained before her little brother was born. She then completely regressed. It might be better for him to wait until after the baby is born.

Id suggest buying a potty thats really fun. like the Fisher Price CHEER FOR ME POTTY. Its really fun has musical sounds and a flushable handle. Its sold in target . He'll love it and want to sit on it all the time. Try it out. Good Luck.

There are three things you can not make a child do--eat, sleep, and go pee and poop on command (sigh). Otherwise you are taking him or her to the toilet every hour or so.

My son was four and still not trained. His little sister, two years younger, was trained at eighteen months. I remember when they were both in diapers and they had diarrhea. I went through so many diapers that day....

And by the time my son was four he was triple diapered at night!

The reason he finally decided to get out of diapers, was when the preschool teacher said to me, within earshot to my son, that she did not change diapers and did not take children who were in diapers. Well his best friend was going to be in that class.... He was completely trained in a day and a half.

I tell you this because maybe you can set up a situation similar to mine that will make him want to wear underpants on his own.

Good luck.