Potty Training a Willful 3 Year Old

Our son was not willing to be potty trained - at all. We never gave him sugar...literally, but I even tried bribing him a cookie. He'd hand it back to me and tell me to put it back in the pantry. NOTHING worked.

We started telling him that when he turned 3, he didn't HAVE (rather than GET) to wear diapers anymore. So, when he woke up on his 3rd birthday, we took him out of diapers. He had 7 "accidents" that day - to make up change our mind. He even went in and sat on my pillow and soaked it. He was dry at night the first night, but his pull-up at night became progressively wetter, so we put him on a pad on his bed at night and a pair of underwear. No accidents. In fact, within the week, he was potty trained - no accidents after that.

He saw that we weren't going to budge AND he wanted to go to school, so we told him that kids in diapers can't go to school.

I've known a few kids to go to chiropractors and get their sacrums (low back area) adjusted to help with bed-wetting/bladder control, etc. if that might be a component?

We found no success in potty training our son until we just put him in underwear and dealt with the accidents. Whenever we were home, the pull ups came off and underwear on. It wasn't until he felt wet in underwear that I think he really started to connect it. We still have accidents here and there, but most days he's perfect now and that been about three weeks of that. Not sure how he suddenly figured it out one day, but I say drop the diapers and go for underwear!

Have you tried not using diapers at all? Even pull ups make it difficult for the child to feel if they have gone potty because they are so absorbant. I put my daughter in underwear a month before her third bday. The first day she peed her pants about 15 times. Then every day it got better and better and in about a week she had it figuired out. My daughter's turning point was that week at Sunday School. She wanted to be like the other kids. Your daughter will have something like that and it will make her want to do it. The other thing to consider is some kids have really small bladders and they just can't hold very much for very long. You may want to talk to your pediatrician for thoughts on this. Potty training my son was a lot harder and so I know your frustration. I always said I could make it through if I just knew how long it was going to take so I would feel like there was a light at the end of the tunnel. I think with him I started before he was ready and it took four months. One of my friends did not even start training her daughter until 3 1/2 and when she did it took one day. She had waited until her daughter was ready and she wanted to do it. Your daughter just may not be ready. Until she is, it is frustrating and messy. SO try to hang in there. Good luck!

First, I am excited to hear that you are not the typical (as we have seen on TV!) OC mom! I live in a Stepford Mom area and it is maddening to me. I have an at-home preschool and one thing that I have helped families with most is the toilet-training adventure. What I have found most success with is setting a routine, sticking to it, and reminding yourself that it is ok for this to be a slow process. By slow, I mean within a month. The easiest thing to do is to incorporate bathroom breaks into your daytime routine. When she wakes up, before snack, before lunch, before nap, when she wakes from her nap, before she takes a bath, or puts on her jammies, or gets into bed. Just pick a few times a day to work it into her normal routine. This sort of eliminates her having a full bladder for very long. And, the situation focuses on her using the restroom because there is a break in the day, not just because her mom told her to. She is striving for independence right now and each time you tell her to use the bathroom, is one more opportunity for her to tell you no. Both of you use the bathroom at the same time and then it really is all about the routine. Good luck. B.

The best book I ever read about this topic is called Potty Training in Less Than a Day. I used it with my first 2 kids and am preparing to do it again with my third. My daughters are like night and day as far as personalities go, one is compliant the other defiant, and it worked for both. The defiant & stubborn child didn't actually do it in less than a day; that was the only differnce. It took her 2 days, but she got it! I just continued with the program and it worked. I highly suggest giving the "going potty" routine a rest for a while and putting your child back into diapers full time before you try the book's method. With my youngest daughter I had tried a different method than the book, even after it worked with my first child. But I found it to be even more difficult because she is so stubborn. So I told her she had to go back to wearing diapers until a certain date on the calendar, then on that day she was going to be a big girl forever! I got her all hyped up on the idea and persuaded her that that was going to be her day. It seemed to work alot better. and even when she asked to go to the potty in between that time on the calendar, i just would say, "No, not today, but on (fill in the date) you can!!!" That way it gave her something to get excited about. The book really helped me. I figured going potty on a toilet isn't really an option forever, so I had to teach them how to not make it an option. Whatever approach you decide to take you can rest assured they won't be going to college in diapers!!! Have fun...

Hi R.: I know it's frustrating, but please don't be too hard on her. She's only 3 and her little brain isn't even completely developed yet! They get distracted so easily and don't want to stop playing. It's a life skill that needs time to develop. She has to learn to read her body's signals. She is probably not being willful at all, just not physically ready to control her bladder. I tried so hard with my first boy with no success. Suddenly at about 3 1/2 he trained himself within a day and asked to try to go without his diaper that night. He never wet again. It was the same with my 2nd boy.

I also have 2 girls. I offered them pretty underwear that they picked out and they would try to keep it dry, although there were accidents.

Has she been checked for any physical problems? One of my daughters had urinary tract problems.

Just be patient and kind. Eventually it will be of great value to her to stay dry. No one wants to pee in their pants in front of their friends.

My grandson's favorite video is the Bear in the Big Blue House, Potty Time for Bear. It is available in DVD and is very cute and instructive. Your little one may enjoy it.

All the best, M.