EX and I have been separated for 1 1/2 year (painful divorce and misrepresentation on his part suggesting he didn't want a divorce but his actions spoke louder than his words). During separation it was clear he wanted house bc it was pre-marital asset. I wanted a fresh start away from home anyways -- even though I considered home - "home", and I made it into a home buy putting in over 150k of marital assets into fixing it up (new bathroom, new kitchen, etc). So, two weeks ago, I finally get decree finalized (he dragged it out add'l 5 months post mediation trying to nick pick on every detail in HIS favor).
Now comes up to me last night -- and he says he doesn't want me to leave home. He wants me to stay in home, pay utilities and maybe $500 rent each month; and he wants me to walk away from the contract I have on new property (set to close July 8th). Mind you, I have 12k investment into new property as downpayment. Even leaves me a voice mail message today, suggesting he will get a contract stipulating the offer for rent/utilities in our home (that I could stay in). He claims that by staying in our home; I am better off -- I won't have to return to work (I have a 5 year old and 2 year old), will have children's home to live in a modest price. Why is he doing this? He currently lives with his mom (where he has been since separation -- he left the marriage, was unfaithful and didn't want to work on it -- said he was too hurt and didn't trust me -- he has issues!!!!) What do I do? Accept offer; or he is still trying to control me?
I have rec'd over 30 responses to this question and I can't not thank you all enough for your kind words and encouragement. Divorce has been the worst and most life changing experience for me and its so nice to know that you can ask a question out there and get some true unbiased feedback from those that have lived this experience. I intend to proceed with my house purchase and my attempts to get out under his control. If I continued to stay in his house, he would have ownership over me and as one person said, if we had a disagreement over parenting or something stupid, he might threaten my ability to stay in the home. While he thinks a contract his lawyers would draft would make it official, the only thing official about this would he would still have ties to us. And he divorced me and no longer deserves to hurt me any longer with his rules and ties. Thank you again mamasource, what a blessing you are!
Please please please listen to what everyone is saying, get out of there as quick as you can and don"t look back!!!
He still wants to control you. If you stay there you will be allowing him to continue to have you under his thumb.
There is something to be said about keeping the kids in an environment they are used to, but deep down only you know at what cost.
Also, I don't understand why you wouldn't have to work, by staying in the home vs. moving out?
Stick with your original plan. My guess is that he got the final decree in the mail and freaked-out b/c aside from your children he has nothing to "tie" you to him anymore.
He probably should have thought this through a little better... my guess is that he can't afford the house on his own completely and now he's in a panic. Guess what? Not your problem anymore!
Good luck.
i'm sooo confused...
You have enough money to put into a new property and you are considering walking away from it?
I would tell him to pound sand. It sounds like a ploy to keep you off balance and tied to him....while it would be great NOT to have to work - what if he changes his mind in a few months or a few years?
Let him rent out the home...if he doesn't need to sell it. Make new memories and fresh start with your kids in the new place.
No, I would not accept the offer. He will be controlling your life if you stay there and he becomes your "landlord". What if you start a new relationship? He may just kick you out and then what will you do?
You need to begin your new life.
All the best!
Would you want him as your landlord? Would you want him to have keys to the home? Would you want him to be able to evict you for whatever? A neighbor trusted her x and stayed in the house and he promised to make all the payments so his kids would always have a home. Well.. he lied. Didnt make any payments and didnt tell her and when the bank came to the door to inform her her house had been foreclosed on and had been in the process for months, she had just days to get out. If you cant trust him to be married to you, then dont trust him in anything. Also: Would you lose the $12,000 on the other place? He may know this and be looking forward to you losing it and then not having a choice. Yep he is controling and you said he has issues.
Go for the new place and a new beginning.
Make a clean break.
You are divorced.
You are free.
The door to the cage is open - all you have to do is walk out of it.
Your new place has no strings attached to it and he can't change a thing about it.
He wants to keep you under his thumb and at his mercy and staying in the old place would do just that.
You do NOT want your ex as your landlord.
What happens when you start dating?
Would he raise the rent out of spite?
His offer is a sick joke.
Do not take it seriously.
I think "divorce" is a final thing and the less baggage you drag along after it, the better! Go ahead with YOUR plan that is obviously best for you.
He took five more months than needed just to string you along on signing the final divorce papers. What makes you think he would be any better as a landlord? The home was in his name not yours. YOU now have a chance to have your name on a house and not his. Run to the nearest exit and move on with your life.
It doesn't matter whether you work for you and the kids or not it is not his problem. He has to realize that you two are not a unit any longer. He lived with mom for 18 months he can continue to live with mom or move back into the house by himself.
Remember what goes around comes around and now that has happened to him. He does not have a family any longer and now he wants one. Should have thought about that more when he was running around being unfaithful.
Life is too short for such drama. Welcome to the new you in the new world of single person. Enjoy doing what you want to do without having to deal with a jerk.
The other S.
PS Do take your time and enjoy the freedom.
Just from your description of him, it sounds like you know the answer. Don't go near him with a 50 foot pole. He sounds very unstable and doesn't know what he wants. And those kind of folks are very toxic to be around. I am now just figuring this out about my son's dad and ex. Just stay away. Nothing good would come of this. It would also be like living in the past. You said yourself that you needed a fresh start! Plus your in a contract. I wouldn't leave it or even attempt to change it. Sure it might be nice not to work, but what about emergencies? Would you have the money for one?
He's trying to control you. Go or you will never be rid of him emotionally or physically.
I assume that dating might be something you'd like to do. If so, go your own way - you sound like a smart woman. You can do it.
I can't believe you are even considering this. How can you move on with your life when you are being supported by your EX husband? That's ridiculous! Wake up- it's time to take care of your SELF and your kids, without him.
This should not even be considered an option. He is your ex for a reason.
He has no business having any say in where you live, and NO WAY should he have access to your home (as he would if he was your landlord).
Don't do it.
RUN don't walk to your new place and make it a wonderful home for your children.
My friend's ex sounds just like your ex... just saying / doing things to try and maintain some control over her. He's even re-married and still does this to her.
If you can't do it for yourself then do it for your kids - they need to see a strong woman taking care of herself AND they need a home that is their own... not one that they may be evicted from in a year or two.
I would tell him thanks but no thanks. My Aunt did this with her ex and it was not a pretty picture. I can't tell you how often he would come in unannounced. He promised her that he would put the house in her name after a few years, never did. He promised to do repairs since he was the landlord, never did. When she did move out he was shocked and very upset. He never paid any of the taxes, she did. It was crazy. She moved and is much happier.
You are divorced. Its time to move on. You will be tied to him because of the kids but don't do this. Not a good idea at all!!!
what.....you're not still pining for him?!?!?! You've started on your own life - keep going! He only wants to get the house paid for by you making "rent" payments to him. He holds all the cards on the house and could easily let you take the fall or kick you to the curb and keep the kids.
RUN!!! Get out and stay out!!! Be your own homeowner regardless of the struggle. I know from experience and would warn you not to make the same mistakes I did!!!! (and our divorce was amicable)
Dear K.-
RUN...do NOT walk to your new property. I speak from experience. My ex allowed our home to be foreclosed on 2 years ago. I ended up moving with teenagers who had never lived anywhere else.
Hindsight tells me I should NEVER have trusted my ex to 'do the right thing'...and as a result, we are still in and out of court. Had I trusted my gut earlier, I could have made a move before some of the kids were in high school.
RUN!!!
michele/cat
Do NOT move in there. Do NOT consider the monetary benefit. Think about how quickly, easily, and horribly wrong this "deal" could go and then you'd be out of a home with more upheaval for your children. Stick with the plan you've got and move on with your life away from him. He is clearly manipulative, don't give him another opportunity to manipulate you.
.
I wonder if then NEXT voice mail will say, well since your living in MY house, I guess we can reduce my child support payments by (at least) $500 a month?
Wish you have your OWN lawyer to work through this, not a mediator, sigh.
Maybe if he'll put up the money you'll lose on buying your new house.....
Or is this the other side of his BI-polar behavior?
:(
Hmmm, well I don't have the entire picture here but based upon what you write, this man still wants to control everything.
Move on in your new life without him. Otherwise, he is always going to be trying to hold the strings and pull them whenever he wants.
Cut ties with this man, except for being cordial for the children. Start your new life that does not depend on him in any way, shape, or form.
Good luck to you - it sounds like you're better off without him :)
You're divorced. You do what YOU want and ignore this if you don't want it. I think it's death throes. He's still fighting and if you really do leave and really do move on, then his hold is less and he doesn't have that connection with you. I don't think he's accepted that you've moved on and/or wants to control you. He wants the house? Then he keep it for his time with your children. It would still be HIS home and he could yank it out from under you. Maybe when he finds a new girlfriend who wants a house. I wouldn't take the offer. I'd ignore it.
Cut emotional ties with him for your sake (and your children too). This is one way he would have to continue manipulating and controlling you. What happens in the future if you piss him off? He could threaten to evict you for parenting disagreements or for dating someone he can't stand or just because you made a financial decision he disliked.
Not only that but it would make you financially reliant on him! So he would be in control not only of your housing but your finances!
If you go back to that house you might as well remain married. Don't accept the offer. Move out. Work on being co-parents and disentangle yourself from him in every other way.
You are done with him so be done. Simple, you are free to live your life now as you wish so start to do so. Also, keep all conversations with him via email and keep in a file for documentation. Good luck.
Maybe he is trying to do the right thing?
I would go on with your current plans. He sounds unstable, and this would probably continue the drama. Also, what does *he* have to gain by you staying? Is he having to pay for the house currently? If so, he may just want your money to help him pay the bills. I'm so sorry for all of this for you and your children. It sounds heartbreaking.
