Poor Sport ( ITS NOT ABOUT WINNING)

My daughter is 6 and has 3 older brothers. She too has the idea that she must win. When she was little the boys would play easy with her because she was so small but now that she isn't small, they play with her like anyone else (no mercy) and she yells, cries, stomps her feet the whole bit. The only thing that we are trying to do is mirror her behavior back to her. So when we play bingo or cards, if she wins, I will go into a big dramatic act and after a few minutes we all start laughing. I don't even know how well this is working. I do know that in life, when someone mirrors my behavior and i don't like it it really hits home. Good luck. I look forward to reading what other parents have to say on this subject because I need help too.

My oldest was like that too, somewhat. More at home than out in the world. Family games could be not much fun. I'll be interested in hearing what the others say; I never had much luck changing it. I think first you have to learn to not be embarrassed. Then get really good at ignoring it. Describe the behavior to her briefly - "what you did was rude, or selfish, you are being a sore loser", however you want to put it. Don't get angry.

Great topic! thanks for the post. I too am deeling with this in my 4 year old. The responces are good. The Twist with my boy is that if he thinks he wont or cant win he wont try to play at all. And he learns lazyness, and apathy. Its a tough phase for me to deal with. My personality as a kid was just to play and have fun. so I am having a hard time relating to his stratagy with competition. Just give up? I don't get it. and I get frustated

any way good luck
E.

Your little girl sounds like she is pretty bright. One thing I learned was I could never tell my boys how to feel, however, I could tell them how to behave. I wouldn't blame them for being upset that they didn't win, however, they couldn't behave a certain way. That might work for your daughter by taking the focus off of her need to win to your need for her to behave better. Since I already knew there was a problem to begin with, before they played any kind of game or sport I asked them how they would behave if they didn't win. They would have to agree to lose more gracfully before I would let them play or there would be an agreed upon dicipline that would follow. That was the hard part (the follow through), however, since they agreed to it they couldn't complain too much. Sticking to this method seemed to work for me. Good Luck with you and yours.

S.

Part of the problem of this society is that we have bought into the notion that Self-Esteem is a gift we give children, that we must pump up our children with false compliments, nudge them with "way-to-go's" for every little thing. It becomes the monster chasing its tail, a never-ending cycle of need and selfishness.
Then, parents hold back correcting them (when it would be appropriate), not criticizing inappropriate behavior, losing "teachable moments", for fear of "ruining their precious self-esteem". The parent who does this, and it is most of us today, begins early "buying them out" or "bailing them out" of real consequences their behavior would naturally accrue. This is the inevitable outcome of an artificial building of self-esteem from 'without' rather than that which flows naturally from 'within' when someone does something well.
The psychological topic is External Locus of Control, vs. Internal one. The result is a generation, or several, of people who can't face consequences, who use immense energy to blame others for problems or choices rather than being able/willing to shoulder responsibility for their own actions along with the inherent consequences, especially negative ones. It breeds lying, blaming, and tantrums when not getting ones' own way, passive-aggressive behavior even into adulthood. When a parent lauds a child for doing the ordinary, in order to 'pump up their feelings about their own self-worth', they reinforce on deeper levels that the child has nothing going of significance to cheer, that he/she is a sham person, that one must seek out inconconsequential things to laud. The child senses on a deep level that they have done nothing worthy of a high-five, and must therefore be inferior/lacking in some way, such that they have to be pumped up with artifice. It is a hollow victory, sensed deep within, even if not verbalized.
The ANTIDOTE is to celebrate only authentic moments, and be quiet when there are none. Let the true highs establish themselves from within the inner child before the exterior celebration begins. Then, the child begins to recognize his/her own competencies, his/her own triumphs over things difficult or challenging, begins to trust his/her own ability to achieve, ...not about sham events but moments of real accomplishment. IT will change EVERYTHING for the child. It requires consistency, and trust that this will work, on the part of the parent. Raising self-reliant children in a self-indulgent world (a title from a good book I read years ago) will be nothing less than the salvation of this spoiled, 'entitled' generation, a mission from God (to quote the Blues Brothers.)

We want so much for our children to do well --- and be happy. There's a program called '' Love and Logic ''' - books, tapes- available through the library- . The whole '''message'' of it is for the parent to say - NOT JUST WITH WORDS BUT WITH THIER ATTITUE ''' gee, you are realy having a problem- what is YOUR solution?" Because truth to tell- it's her life - SHE is going to have to find a way to have friends ( that like her and whose parents like her) and she is going to have to know that teachers, parents, friends, people-in-life DONT LIKE when kids are poor sports. It's a real tough one- because our culture is SO competitive. Of course it's our job to teach and show and do the right thing- but in the end- they themselves make their path rough or smooth. Blessings, A.- try to come to ONE strategy ( and I'd personally make it reasonably hard-hearted - such as -- '' we will NOT do these things that YOU love - treats - trips to the dollar store- letting you chose -----''''' for you if you spoil a good time - and what you are doing is wrong.''' - and then follow through.
I'll be praying for all of you-
J.
aka --Old Mom

My dad is a terrible sport--he gets furious if he doesn't win, and heaven forbid if you're his partner--and he got to be this way because his siblings would always let him win to avoid him getting mad at them. Because of this, I am determined that my children will have better sportsmanship! My oldest two are 6 and 4 (the baby's too young for games), and while I may give them slight benefits sometimes during games, I don't contrive it so that they can always win. For example, when playing memory match with my 4yo, I'll wait a turn before I pick up a match that I know is there, to see if she catches it on her turn. If she doesn't, though, I consider it fair game for me to get. My oldest is fairly good about losing; he doesn't get mad (though he does like to play until he wins at least one game). My 4yo, though, likes to win. She had been crying, "But I wanna win" when something happened in a game that will make it likely that she'll lose. I tell her already what I told my son when he was this age--that nobody can win all the time, and even though it's fine to want to win, you can't get mad just because you don't. I have also started making her say "good game" to the winner (and I have to say it to her when I lose). At first she said it so grudgingly it was rather funny, but she's coming around, and she doesn't throw fits anymore when she loses, so I'm happy about that.
So that's what I do with my kids, and I would probably tell your 7yo that if she's going to have a bad attitude if she loses, then you won't play any games at all, and then work on getting her to be a gracious loser. (And when your baby starts playing games, DON'T let her win all the time!!) Good luck to you!

My 5/6 year old son is like this too. When he started soccer this fall he cried if he didn't make a goal or pout. Every time he did this we removed him from the game and made him sit on the sideline until he changed his attitude. He was being such a poor sport during one game that my husband pulled him from the game and took him to the car. He had to sit and watch his team win without him. That really seemed to help and he never through a fit during a game again. He still has little bouts of pouting from time to time but we tell him that if he cannot be a good sport then he cannot play or we will not play video or board games with him. So my suggestion is to not reward the bad behavior. Make her sit in a time out from the game if she cannot be a good sport. Good luck.

Unfortunately you're partially responsible for creating this monster by letting her win when she was younger. Now she expects it. Part of it is just her own competitive nature.

The only suggestion I can think of is if she's going to have such big fits ... don't let her play. Don't let her play soccer, or take swimming or anything else. Sooner or later she'll get it that no one wants to play with her because she can't play just for the fun of playing. She'll adjust her attitude or find something else to occupy herself.

I'd talk to her and tell her that these will be the consequences if her attitude doesn't change. If she throws herself on the ground and has a fit during soccer ... that's it .. no more soccer. If she has a fit at swimming .. that's it .. no more swimming. AND MEAN IT. same goes for video games and board games.

And last but not least ... IF you're still letting her win when you play games together ... STOP IT NOW. I don't mean you have to completely annihilate her at games ... but don't just "let" her win. She's not learning anything that way.

Yes my son is 8 and i feel for you.
It will pass. like a million other phases.
No matter what kids are trying and it takes a boat load of patience to get through these .
God doesnt give you more than you can handle. if you cant handle it at the moment take quiet time and PRAY LOL

My son and i actually talk about how awful he was to others in the past and he sometimes laughs and says i was pretty bad sometimes huh?
All you can do is discuss her behavior and show her how it made others feel at the time it happened. and when it happens again and again. be calm or at least TRY LOL
discuss try not to fingerpoint.
It has worked for my son.
Good luck.
N.
I am a happy single mom with an 8 year old boy.

I didn't get this post the first time around, but I just read it when you gave the update and to be honest, that WASN'T fair! I would be pretty upset when I was her age as well if I were the winner and someone else cheated to win...BUT that does not excuse her attitude of course. When my son was yuonger...and still to this day, he hates losing - he is a perfectionist also - and he will pout and get down on himself and not be very fun to be around...so we had to let him know no one will want to play with him if he is a sore loser and then we explain that everyone should have a chance to win and that the point of the game is to have fun...if it's not fun and he gets too upset about losing, then what's the point of playing? He needs to relax and enjoy his time with friends, etc. He has gotten much better but it did take a while! Good luck...just be consistent and follow through! :)

without reading your other replies, my suggestion is to buy her audio books the subjects of playing, winning and losing. get her a couple of books (both audio and soft cover) (BARNES & NOBLE)and read to both girls. give no explaination (lecture about her behavior) just read the book and storytime has ended, unless there are questions.
You can lay her down for a nap with the CD/TAPE playing with, or without headphones (which she'll LOVE)... if they're are whinings, fallouts, ignore them, and leave the room. if you want her behavior (or/and) the potential behavior of her sister to change, you have to change yours... (RE-DIRECT HER BEHAVIOR to some non-competitive games that focus on the issues)

I'm with Kristi on this one. That really was not fair for your daughter to try so hard and have the teacher help the other kid win the race in the swimming pool. So I can see why she was so frustrated and mad. On the other hand, no one is going to want to play with her, have her on the same team, or hang out with her at all if she can't try to have fun instead of beating herself up and throwing a fit every time she doesn't win. I loved the advice to tell her if she acts up like that again, you're leaving swimming, soccer, whatever the activity and then actually following through. Maybe you can gently point out that other kids like to win, too, and it's not always our turn to win, as hard as that is. Losing sometimes makes it even more fun when we do win.

The good thing about it is that you have a child with drive and ambition and willingness to work hard. Those are qualities you can't instill--they have to be innate. She'll find a happy medium with your loving guidance and then the sky is the limit for someone with her qualities!

Hello A.,
Unfortunately for parents our children pick up on certain undesirable behavioral traits from other children or it's a learned behavior at home.
There is a book, Dare to Discipline...Dr. James C. Dobson (Focus On the Family), that has some godly suggestions for ways to instill excellent skills into your child's life.

I do have to say, and maybe it's just me, but I really don't agree with the instructor helping the other girl to win (NOT that this is the issue!). In THIS position, I kind of understand your daughter's frustration. What are we teaching kids when we help them win? Just MY opinion though.

OTOH, I understand your embarrassment and worries. Hopefully this aspect of her personality will somehow even out and help her in the long run. I would put her in a very competitive sport and hope that she loves it and excels - but a TEAM sport. Maybe softball or basketball. Soccer is competitive too though. All sports allow one person to be the best player (or the ball hog, or for that matter the coaches daughter - just kidding!). Maybe the team will help her.

I am a mom of a 29 yr.. old who has a disablilty. a 27 yr old, boy/ girl. it pays to be constant with the disciple, if you if you let them have their way, it only get worse. I have learned from my mistakes, in not being as constant as I should have been in the past, I was a single mom, it was difficult rasing 2 children alone for 12 yrs. I did learn to be more constant though, it wasn't always easy, put your trust in God, it will work through, I wish you the very best,you will be in my thoughts and prayers. vickie

Good morning!
I evidently didn't see this when it originally posted, or you would've had more than 3 responses! LOL I think it's mostly personality, and like the one before me said, you can only modify the behavior -- not the feelings she has. I started to say it's usually the 'powerful' (choleric) temperament who 'has to win', but thinking back, it was our 'perfectionist' (melancholic) son who always wanted to win at whatever by whatever means. It's STILL 'personality' vs age, I believe. You just need to 'temper' her strong urges by being lighthearted and SHOWING her that it's OK to be laid back. If YOU get all emotional, it probably defeats this purpose.

Good luck and Happy New Year!

I also did not see this post. I have read all the responses. I can say that I have a 17 yr old nephew who since school started this year has had some real issues with this subject. Growing up he would win at everything. Candy selling contests, mom would buy it all just so he could win. (younger brother too). It has never caused problems until this year. The 17 yr old is a perfectionist and thinks he has to be the best, pass every test or homework assignment, etc. or nobody will like him. He says they will think he is retarted. Gotta say that this has taken us all by surprise. He is the pitcher for his high school. He is a junior this yr. and has made 1st team All district for 2 yrs in a row. He REALLY is a good player. He made the varsity and earned his letter jacket as a freshman. The problem is the explosions he has during school. At the least little notion of something not going his way, he gets really upset. We are at our wits end as to why this is happening. Some of the teachers thinks he depends on his mom too much. She has always made sure he has gotten what he wants. The younger brother (14) does not have this problem and they were raised the same way. All I am saying is that you need to find out what the bottom line is and deal with it now. There was no indication of anything wrong here until this year. Try dealing with all that in a teenager!!!!!! Any advice for me, send it on.

Everyone has given you some great ideas. Part of the issue may be that you have a perfectionist on your hands. I have one who got better at sportsmanship, he wasn't mad at others, but himself and would get really upset that he let others down in team sports. He has become a an avid golfer and it suits him well. He can be his perfectionist self without the same kind of pressure there is in team sports.
I worked hard with my son to try and get him to understand from an early age that he won't win all the time that we all have different gifts and talents. I try to even today to teach him to support his friends when they have excelled at doing something. It's hard to do with a competitive teenage boy but I every once in a while I hear him encouraging a friend and it makes me so happy that he does.

It is a time to be really patient. Sherri's and Angi's advice are the good one, I think.

Point is you can't escape from this, when it's happen, you have to just talk without any anger or beeing ashamed everytime. All children go through this stage. Do not pass the talking time. As Sherri and Angi said, change a focus what to talk. Don't talk about her feeling, talk about how she behave when she loses.

One another thing, don't forget to talk about "when she wins and happy," what other people are feeling. (When she wins, how other friends are feeling/behaving. What happens if others behave like she does everytime she wins, etc.) You just have to let her know, others are having a good time and fun. Hope she could handle those times better in a year. BE PATIENT : ). GOOD LUCK!

I never saw the original post either. I wanted to add something completely different. For my daughter with some learning issues, we taught her that effort counted for more - we rewarded her for perseverance, not for winning. You should be clapping and cheering your daughter for trying, for working hard, and for making an effort. Too many of us only reward our kids for winning a game, for getting an A, for beating out others. I reward my kids just as much for putting in the effort, for trying hard, for sticking with something. It has made a real difference for my kids - I think they get better grades and really helped my son who was a poor loser too.

Its so funny that you got 3 original answers and 15 after it was posted what happened. I am a sore loser and a horrible winner. I lose at everything and I think its hysterical. Winning is about personal power and the little high you get from doing so well and getting immediate gratifiaction.EVERYONE knows when someone is a winner.
I think personally that most of the time when someone has to win they are feeling a little insecure. We want to be the best at what we do its who we are. I am sorry its not always about how you make others feel, sometimes its about why you have to feel that way. It always hurts a little when we lose maybe just she doesnt think its okay to feel like that. I know its why i was such a sore loser for so long. Just let her know she is still your favorite 7 year old even when she isnt coming in first.

It's a lesson learned. At her age it is her only power (to be hard on herself). We moms have to pick our fights and I would ignore the tantrums because just around the corner she's going to going through the dreaded I hate everything and don't care...called 13. When my girl was younger everything was happy and now she is sullen, not doing well in school and on the computer way too much...I ignore bad behavior. She needs to get to a place where it is more important for her to play the game, and enjoy the sport and not have to excel at everything.

I know you have more advice than you know what to do with, but I just had to add to it....

My son (also age 7) also has the "must win" temperament. He is focused, goal oriented, a bit of a perfectionist (like some others mentioned in their posts) and has great judgement. He gets terribly unhappy if he loses at anything. And I never let him win when he was young, because I'm the same way (LOL!)

I'm not sure this is a bad thing. I never say "no one will like you" or "no one will play with you" nor do I threaten him that I'll take this or that away. But that's just not my parenting style. I think we should teach our kids to behave because it's right and feels good not because someone else won't like them (but that's another soap box).

I believe that it is truly painful for some kids to lose. Not just in a "spoiled" way, but it is actually painful in a real way. I am one who would not participate if I couldn't be the best/win, and I think I missed out on a lot.

So I am gently trying to teach my son (and he's also learning this on his own at school, etc.) that he should reflect on whether or not he enjoyed doing the thing and try not to stay mad (at himself or others) for not winning (but I never tell him not to be mad - it wouldn't be possible for him).

I'm not sure we should try so hard to make our kids what they are not. As one poster said, they will find their own way. And your daughter probably has some really fantastic qualities that go along with her need to win.

I read some good advice that others have given. I suggest a great book "Have a New Kid by Friday"...I wish I the book had been around when my children were younger. I use the concepts with my students and they work very well.
My children are all grown. I have one amazing 10 month old grandson...I will recommend the book to my daughter when he is a little older.
~Blessings~

I am a published author of children's books. I wrote one for my grandaughter called "Tomboy Charlie" It has not been published but I could make a copy of it for you at cost. It addresses the issue you are dealing with and shows that doing your best, not winning , is the best part of competition. If you would like a copy please let me know. I would only charge for paper and ink.

This is way late, but may I suggest a very good book? John Rosemond is a parenting expert/author, and his book John Rosemond's Six Point Plan for Raising Happy, Healthy Children would be a great place to learn about your daughter's behavior and attitudes, and would give some excellent direction on getting her to be reasonable. No one will want to be her friend before long (if that already isn't the case). You can find his books on amazon.com, or his website at www.rosemond.com. His weekly newspaper article is also on his website.

I know you have posted your conclusion but I had a bit to add that I didn't see posted.

She is old enough to "drop off" at swim class or soccer. I know you want to see her accomplishments, but tell her that you want HER to have a good time, and maybe you need to give her some space to do that.

Also mention that you don't like seeing her be so upset when it doesn't go her way, and if she can get a handle on not always having to win or be right, you'd be glad to come to her games or practices. Tell her that you know she is getting to be a big kid now, and can handle big kid stuff, nobody always wins... so show me you can be a big kid about it by doing it. When you pick her up ask the teacher or coach how it went, if she did good at loosing, tell her you will come next time cause she tried so hard!