Poor Behavior in 23 Month Old

Dear K.,

I have a degree in Child Pysch. and Early Childhood Development and Education. I am a retired teacher from a private school, educating and nurturing children from ages 2 and 1/2 to 4 years of age. I also taught in the public school system in elementary at 3rd and 5th grade levels.

First thing you must consider is "why" he is well behaved during the time he is attending daycare? Are you absolutely certain that you are getting the proper information from his caretakers? Children will mimmick another child's behavior if he or she spend a great deal of time with them. This might be what he is experiencing and you might want to question the daycare with respect to that issue. Children live what they learn and if your son is around another child who is "spirited", he is just following by example. Especially if that example is being rewarded by the caretakers. However, if he behaves well while in the company of others only, then you might be in a better position to evaluate him.

Secondly, what method do you use to correct his behavior? Do you use "time out", take away games or favorite toys, etc. following any kind of unacceptable behavior? Do you also make it a point to "reward" him when he has behaved in a manner that pleases you?

Finally, once you have determined those two simple points...then you will definitely be ahead of the game. I will offer this information because you have mentioned it in your request...if your son is biting, hitting, and pushing, I must tell you that it is a sure bet that he is doing this to his playmates or others. That is why I questioned whether or not the daycare was giving you the information that you need in an effort to correct the problem. Children do not just randomly act out agressively like that in one venue, and change those "bad habits" in another.

I encourage you and your husband to speak to the daycare. If your son is in fact expressing this type of behavior while in their care, it will not be long before the daycare asks you to remove him from their care. Also, any method of punishment that you place on him prior to arriving at the daycare, should be discussed with the employees and carried out in your absense. Both you and your husband work, as many parents do, and you must have the daycare "on board" with you in raising your son. Let's face it...they are with him probably just as much as you are.

I hope that this advice works for you and please report back to me regarding your findings. I might be able to offer you further advice once you have your questions answered about your son. Before I close, please try to not beat yourself up over this. Sometimes its just a phase that some children go through and it requires a bit more patience. I can see that you are at your wits end right now, but trust me...brighter days are ahead.

T. H.

Hi K., I understand your need for encouragement as I have a 3 yr old daughter. My first suggestion is that you don't look at it as poor behavior but as normal behavior that's giving you the cue to teach him what's appropriate and inappropriate behavior. His behavior is an indication that he's looking for boundaries and subsequently can learn to trust that you're his protector and teacher. I suggest not giving any mileage to his tantrums and contrary behavior. Give him one warning indicating what the consequences are(time out for him or favorite toy, etc. You may have to get creative) and then be prepared to follow through. If you feel ready to yell at him, take a deep breath and leave the room if necessary so you can focus on what you want to accomplish. You want to have his attention and be able to speak clearly and calmly to him when addressing an issue. You may need to leave him to his tantrum before this happens. When my daughter was around his age I couldn't believe there were times when I had to force her into her car seat because she refused and would go rigid(always away from home!). I did get very frustated and yelled at her a few times which I hated. I determined to calm myself. Next time I spoke very gently and calmly giving her an opportunity to sit down on her own. When she didn't I let her know I would be helping her and then proceeded to firmly hold her down so I could buckle her in. I think she only did it one more time after that. My point is that she was no longer getting negative feed back so the negative behavior stopped AND she didn't like being forced into her seat. Listen to your gut K.. You'll know what to do.

All the best,
E.

Have you read this book?

Raising Your Spirited Child: A Guide for Parents Whose Child Is More Intense, Sensitive, Perceptive, Persistent, Energetic
by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka
http://www.amazon.com/Raising-Your-Spirited-Child-Percept...

I so know your pain. My child was like that as well. They are out of control at that point. We sat her on our lap and crossed our arms overs hers so she couldn't hit and when she kicked, she was kicking away from us. I am not sure whether this is the best approach but you can't have them kicking you. Anyhow, she hated being restrained like that and evetually she gave up the behavior. At 4, she's still a challenge though. Now it's more mental than anything.

Mine was great at daycare too. I also noticed she was better behaved with my husband since he was more strict than I was.

I don't really have any great advice but I can relate. My son is 2 and a half. He is a very strong willed individual and it is very hard to get him to do anything he does not want to do. It can also be a little frustrating that he is better behaved when he is with others than when he is with me. I think this is because when he is with others he is not as comfortable and so he is quiet and well behaved when he is with me he is so comfortable and secure that he feels free to disobey throw fits and act like a little monster. A suggestion, when my son does not want to get dressed I let him pick out his own pair of pants and shirt and then since he picked them out he is willing to get dressed. He may not always match but it is worth it to avoid the fight. I also let him climb into his car seat himself (he is very independent when with me) then I buckle him in. In order to change his diaper sometimes I will let him hold a car or something small he can play with (he loves cars) that way he will be distracted and I can change him. I don't know about you but sometimes I feel that I must be doing something wrong in the parenting department or he would not act like such a demanding controlling monster at home, I just have to hope he will grow out of it. Good luck!

K.