Please, I Need Advice on a Very Serious Thing That Just Happened to Me...

You have already gotten some great advice. I am so sorry that this happened to your sister.

I've got news for you. Your life and all of your future plans have been permanently derailed. There is no way you can move forward without having the loss of your sister's baby affect you.

My sister gave birth to a beautiful full stillborn girl just a few weeks after I found out I was pregnant with my second child. I was able to fly out in time to see her and to hold her daughter. It was the most unimaginable sadness I have ever felt, and I have been through a lot!

No cause of death was determined for my niece. She looked perfect in every way. She just quietly slipped away a few days before her due date. For the rest of my pregnancy, I had to lie awake wondering if my baby was going to die. And every morning, I woke up and realized that my sister also wakes up every morning and realizes that her loss wasn't just a bad dream.

I called my sister everyday for the next few months just to check in and let her talk. I helped her plan a memorial service for her daughter. I sent books and bought her clothes. I honestly didn't know what else to do for her. Eventually, after my sister went back to work, life resumed for the most part. When my son was born, it was very difficult for her to be happy for me. When I called her after giving birth, she could barely say anything to me. I didn't take any offense to it. I knew it must have been like a punch in the gut.

Anyway, you have to do what you can to take care of yourself and your baby. And try to be there as much as you can for your sister. As far as your wedding and baby shower are concerned, they will be just a little bit more somber because of this loss. Other women who have experienced this kind of loss talk about "the new normal". Your sister will never be the same person as before. You may never be the same either. My deepest condolences.

Oh wow. So sorry for you sister's loss, I can only imagine her pain and I'm sure that what I imagine doesn't even scratch the surface of things.

Honestly if I were you, under the circumstances, I would ask that the baby shower be cancelled. I think it would be in poor taste to go on with something celebrating an upcoming birth a week after your niece or nephew was stillborn and probably hard for you and the rest of your family. The whole day will feel "off" for people. People will still send whatever they bought and you'll still send thank-you notes. Maybe you can have whoever was hosting the shower help you plan a "Welcome Baby" celebration after the baby is here and people have had some time to get past the shock and immediate grief of your sister's loss.

The wedding is obviously another thing and something that can't and shouldn't be put off, but I would expect nothing from your sister and be open to whatever she needs to do - maybe it's not attend at all, or maybe it's be there for you 100% in whatever capacity she planned on because it would distract her, or something in between. I would also re-set expectations that your parents and other siblings will rightly be focusing on her so if you were expecting them to pitch in and help with last-minute things leading up to the wedding, see if some of your friends can help out instead to free them up. They may want to continue as planned to give them something cheerful to focus on, but you want to be prepared in case anyone has to say "I just can't do X even though I promised, I'm sorry."

In any case, you have learned the hard lesson that tragedies and celebrations often coincide. My best friend died in a car wreck the morning that I graduated from college. It was too late to catch my family who were on their way to see me and tell them to stay home so I had to go through the motions of the ceremony and sit through a really sad, miserable dinner with them after. My FIL got remarried a few years ago and his father fell the morning of the wedding and was in the hospital. My FIL and his wife had to go through the ceremony anyway knowing that his dad was going in for surgery and probably wouldn't survive it (he died later that week). A colleague's dad died a week before her first child was born. And on and on and on.

Just let yourself feel what you feel when you feel it. Don't push away feelings of grief for your sister and her baby or feelings of happiness for your own pregnancy and wedding. Both feelings are warranted right now. I would imagine right now that part of your feelings are "what if it happens to me too" and for that, you can talk to your OB and she can probably give you some reassuring information.

Again, so sorry that your sister, you, and your family are going through something so sad at a time that I'm sure you both looked forward to celebrating.

You have gotten some good advice here.

I would add that you should realize, and you may not yet, that seeing you pregnant now is going to be very painful for your sister. I am NOT saying to avoid her -- she may need you now more than ever. But do be aware that she is hurting far more than you are, or than you can imagine. Take your own pain and multiply it by infinity. Be there for her emotionally but also be able to set your own feelings aside and do whatever she needs -- bring over food if she doesn't want to cook; talk to her husband or significant other about what he thinks you could do for her or bring to her; ask her if she needs to talk or just wants to be quiet together. Even be brave enough to ask her, "Look, is it best for YOU if I make myself scarce for a day or two? Do you need me here? I'll be here every minute. But if you need time off to process this -- tell me honestly." In other words -- focus on her and her SO, not on your feelings, and do something active and specific to help them out if possible (food, running errands, etc.). Do avoid talking about your own pregnancy or wedding for a while. She surely will not want or expect you to go silent forever, and she will want to share your joys -- eventually, but maybe not right away. You can be a huge support to her, but that may involve knowing when to stay in the background for a few weeks to come.

It's very understandable that you're traumatized but if you put the focus on "What thing can I do for her today," you will be putting the focus in the right place and will have less time to think about this.

I think the first thing is a little perspective! A very serious thing happened to your sister, not you. She lost her baby! I don't think she did it to ruin your wedding or your shower.

I have been reading a book on your generation and this reminds me of a passage that made me sad. Mom was having a gallbladder attack and asked her 19 year old son for the phone to call her doctor. Doubled over in pain, sweating....sure but can you hurry, I need to order a pizza.

It isn't about you, your sister is the one hurting, focus on that.

This has got to be difficult for you but remember, it happened to your sister. Not to you, to your sister. Concentrate on loving her and helping her through this, ot on holding your sister's baby. Your life is going on a different path. It's ok that your lives are different. She can use your strength right now.
What if it were the other way around? Would you want your sister to be thinking about what just happened to HER? Take a deep breath. You are ok. Your sister, is not.

I think under the circumstances your shower should be cancelled. The people who were scheduled to attend will understand, there has been a death in the family. I'm not sure what to say about your wedding, were it me I would postpone it until after the birth of your child. Your whole family is in a period of mourning and the attention should be on taking care of your sister who is grieving and will be for quite a while.

I was in a similar situation before I had my first child - a good friend was due with her child 3 weeks before I was due. I'm going to cut and paste here a part of the email that my friend sent to me. It was a huge comfort to me, and I'm still have unbelievable gratitude that my friend, in her time of loss, actually wrote this. I still tear up when I read it.

...You have probably already heard of our very sad news and I certainly don’t want to scare you considering you are expecting your very own precious baby, but I want you to know . . .

We are just trusting in God now. Obviously there was some reason that this happened and God took care of our little boy the way he saw fit.

It has been a really hard time, the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with, but we are taking one day and one minute at a time.
Again, I hate to send you something like this. But know this too. I have two beautiful children and I have experienced the absolute amazing joy of holding that new precious life. And if I had it to do again, I would take the chance and gamble again. The chance at the greatest joy you will ever know, holding your sweet baby, is all worth it. I wish you all the best. Take care of yourself. Take some time for yourself as you prepare.

Know that it's OK to experience joy and sorrow at the same time. Do your best to enjoy your wedding and baby shower, but know that others' happiness (including your own) will be tempered by the death in your immediate family.

Your shower this weekend is going to be tough and be prepared for your sister to decline and not attend. I cannot imagine her pain and she likely doesn't want to be talking about it with a group of women just yet.

As for the wedding, enjoy the day. It is going to exhausting for you physically and emotionally, so plan on getting plenty of sleep the day before and after. If your sister had planned on being in your bridal party, talk with her and see where she is the day before the wedding. If she's not up for it (I don't know that I would be), then support her in that decision. If she wants to stand with you, then support her in that.

You will never get that picture out of your mind. My nephew died at the age of 2 suddenly in his sleep. As a family we had time with him before the wake with the casket open. Three years later that image is very vivid in my thoughts and dreams. Out of nowhere a sick feeling will hit me or tears will well up thinking of him (like now), but I still celebrate the joys in our lives. New babies... weddings... engagements... have all happened in the ensuing years. I miss his sweet little smile every day, but that sadness doesn't inhibit my joy. Both emotions can exist at the same time.

Oh that is heartbreaking and I'm so sorry for your family's and your sister's loss. I agree with the other moms' advice to put the focus where it should be right now -- on your sister. She is going to need some major support, love and care right now. I've had a miscarriage and damn, that was hard enough. I can't even fathom the pain of delivering a baby only to lose it.

I don't know if this is possible, but I would try to postpone your weekend shower. There will be such a pall over the event that I can't imagine that you or your family would enjoy yourselves. I know that everyone would understand if you instead did a meet-and-greet w/ the baby a month or two down the road.

My sincere condolences to your family.

My condolences.
I am going to be honest with you, if this happened in my family we would probably postpone any festivities if possible. I would need time to grieve for my niece or nephew and I certainly would not expect for my family to celebrate with me just mere days after a death in the family - I mean I am certain that this is not only horrible for your sister but affecting the entire family, your parents, other siblings.... I would at least cancel or postpone the baby shower (since it may be difficult and costly to postpone the wedding) and/or make the event more subdued.
Everybody and every family grieves differently and certainly whatever works for your family will be fine, but as I said if I was in your shoes, I just couldn't enjoy a baby shower just days after holding my sisters stillborn.
Allow yourself to grieve, if you don't feel excited just right now that's ok! No one is going to fault you if you decide that now is not the right time to have a shower.

I wish you and your family a lot of strength and peace.
Good luck.

This is just so sad. I am so sorry for the loss of your niece or nephew.

My son died when he was 17 days old 12 years ago and it is still hard. My advice to you is to give your sister lots of leeway. It takes a long time to heal from a loss like this and sadly some people never do.
Do what feels right for you and your family but if I were in your shoes, I think I would cancel the baby shower. Not sure how you could even get through what should have been a happy time. From my own experience, I can tell you that my family, work colleagues and my family wanted to have a shower for me 2 years after my son died to celebrate the upcoming birth of my 3rd child. (I had gotten rid of all baby things when we moved) and even then I was not up to it.
If you decide to have it, just be understanding that your sister will probably not be able to participate at all.

Also, two of my cousins had healthy baby boys within weeks of my loss and I felt relieved that they had healthy baby's. I was so fragile then and didn't think I could handle another loss. There babies gave comfort to me. I hope your sister has these feeling but understand she may not.

Best of luck to you and congratulations. What a bittersweet time for you.

Hi K.,

I really liked what Leigh had to say, so I won't elaborate too much except to say that I understand. It was your sister's loss and it's still traumatic for you. It CAN be both-- this isn't an either/or situation.

Give yourself a lot of grace and do what feels right for you. I don't know if this means postponing the celebrations (you can still have the shower after the birth as a more mellow 'meet the baby' tea... I think people will be understanding) or going forward. I know with weddings, there are a lot of fees which won't be refunded if you choose to postpone, so this is a very real consideration.

If this is still troubling you in the coming weeks, do talk to a grief counselor. You may also want to just check in with your OB if you are needing any reassurance on your own pregnancy. We cannot plan how things will go, just accept them and give yourself and your sister a lot of grace.

K.:

Welcome to mamapedia!

I'm sorry. This didn't happen to YOU. It happened to your sister. You are still pregnant.

So you need to take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Do it again. Breathe.

Losing a baby is NEVER easy. Your sister is going to be going through a lot of emotions over the next few months. Expect her to be mad at you, happy for you, sad, etc. because you have your baby.

You CAN stop thinking about the event by focusing on your future and your exciting things...Stuff happens - good and bad and it happens daily. The bad days are what help us know and see the good days.

I'm sorry for your sister's loss, for your family's loss. Congratulations on your future little one, husband and life.

I'm so sorry! Truly tragic.
First of all, relieve your sister of ANY duties and involvement in your upcoming shower & wedding. Perhaps through a 3rd party (mom) in case seeing you pregnant is just too painful for her.
She will be too grief stricken to participate, MAYBE she can attend the wedding, but accept that if she cannot attend/participate in either, it's not personal. It's her private grief.
Many times in life good & bad happen in tandem.
It's part of the reality of life.
So...grieve her baby with her. Enjoy your big events, just be super sensitive to her position right now. She'll need a lot of leeway and understanding.
All the best.

Well, to be honest, it sounds like you are making your sister's heartache and hard time all about you and your feelings. Nothing happened to YOU. It happened to your sister. The trauma is not yours... it's your sister's. Stop thinking of how it's affecting you, and just... be there for her. She needs you right now. If you think it's hard for you, imagine how much harder it is for her. You have a live baby inside of you, she has no baby at all. It is going to be hard for her to see you pregnant after suffering such a loss. Stop being selfish. Postpone the shower and possibly the wedding until things settle down. It's the right thing to do.

I'm so sorry, and my deepest condolances. What a tragic thing to have happen to your family. Congratulations to you as well. I have nothing to add to the good advice below except for one thing: do not, not, not, NOT feel guilty that you have a healthy baby after she lost hers. I'd be absolutely devastated if that happened to my sister, and would have to be reminded to let go of the guilt. Just remember, it's not your fault, and it's not her fault. It's not anyone's fault. Be there for her, but take care of yourself and your baby - and fiance - too. ((Hugs))

It sounds like you are a bit too focused on yourself and what you need right now. As a mother about to have a baby, put yourself in your sister's shoes. How would you feel if your baby was stillborn? Would you feel like going to your sister's baby shower five days later? I would guess not.

Sorry to say, but the only appropriate thing to do is to postpone your baby shower. Ask whoever is throwing it to call the invitees and tell them it's postponed until a later date due to these tragic circumstances.

Your wedding will probably have to go on since it's next weekend and probably too late to cancel without losing money. But if it's a smaller affair and can be postponed, I would do that.

You, your family, and your guests will be able to enjoy your happy events later on when the circumstances are better.

Life sucks sometimes, and sometimes things don't go as planned, but you reorganize and carry on.

Best wishes!

That is tough. I am so sorry for your sisters loss. If you were there for her delivery, that tells me you are very close. To be able to hold the baby, is very special. If you did that you will handle what is ahead. She needs you now more than ever. Just be there for her. A friend of mine had a stillborn.
Her sisters were pregnant. They got thru everything together. Try to enjoy your shower. I am sure that is what your sister wants for you. You have so many joyous occasions coming, just try to do your best to enjoy every moment. When your baby is born expect many tears from all. T ears of joy for you, and tears of sadness for what could have been. All I can do is wrap my arms around you and give you hugs. Congratulations on your upcoming wedding and baby.

I would call up a grief counselor or talk to my pastor. You have a lot of conflicting emotions to process and not a lot of time to shift from one to another. I think it may help for you to hear that whatever you are feeling is normal, but you shouldn't squash your own joy. Be sensitive to your sister, but enjoy your shower and your wedding, too. You might find it helpful to donate to a NICU or March of Dimes in the child's or your sister's name. You didn't mention if there was also going to be a memorial service or funeral and that might also be something you can help your sister with. Ask your sister what she needs.

And you never know. Friend of mine lost several babies in the 2nd trimester due to a blood clot problem that wasn't yet diagnosed. I had DD shortly after one of those losses. We were at an event together and I didn't know what to say, but friend asked to hold DD and just held her tight and cried. She cried for her own loss, but somehow DD gave her hope and comfort. She went on to have her daughter a couple of years later.

I am so sorry you had to experience that. I am so sorry for what your sister is going through :-( It is a tough experience and one of those that simply takes TIME to heal.

You shouldn't feel guilty for enjoying the special things going on in your life...and I believe that your mind certainly is going a million miles a MINUTE!! :-) I would try to keep myself busy and think about those wonderful things. When sister's baby does creep into your mind, acknowledge it. It WAS traumatic. Acknowledge it, and do what you need to do to grieve, cry, punch a pillow, get in your car and drive while singing at the top of your lungs to let it out. Whatever you need to do. Everyone grieves differently. I think the more you let yourself grieve and acknowledge your feelings, I think the easier it will get when those images do pop into your head. :-(

Once again, my sympathies. But also, Congrats! :-)

Oh no! I helped my sister deliver a stillborn too! It was THE worst day of my life. She went in at 38-weeks, and no heart beat! No explanation! And then, she had to deliver the baby! I listened to my sister scream for her baby for weeks and weeks after the delivery. I will never get over it. Subsequently, I had my own trauma and pregnancy loss. But now, my sister has a little boy, and I have a little boy. We are just so thankful, and we squeeze our little boys just a little extra every day! Except the trauma. It will teach you to truly celebrate the wonderful and exciting things that are happening in your life right now! (And P.S. - - if your sister isn't a big part of your baby shower, pregnancy, etc, please let her off the hook! She needs a lot of time - - years! - - but will eventually find her own happiness and peace).

K., I'm sorry that you had to go through this, and I'm sorry for your sister too. You were there with her for a reason, and you will have to be strong for your sister. I didn't go through exactly what you did, but this is what happened to me. My sister and I were both pregnant at the same time, and she had a miscarriage several months into her pregnancy. I had to go on, and the way I felt when I delivered my baby, and then later call her to tell her my baby had arrived....it wasn't fun. BUT, the best thing you can do for your sister, is to hold her hand, and hug her, and tell her that you loved the baby, and you love her, and that you are there for her however she needs you. And don't forget to be happy for yourself, that you are having a baby. I had felt guilty that I was still pregnant and my sister was not. Don't make that mistake. Good luck to you, and congratulations on your upcoming wedding.

God bless you, your sister, and the whole family. I am so sorry for what each of you is going through. I hope you are able to find the support you need. I think notifing your doctor is the best first step and he/she may be best able to direct you to where to find help/support.

Prayers for you,
N.

I agree with Toni, I think things should be put on hold. I think the entire family needs time to mourn.

I'm so sorry. SO sorry.

Please talk to your ob about this. Number one, he or she needs to know this - it's important. Number two, ask the ob to refer you to talk to someone who can help you get through this. It is something awful for you to get through. You NEED to get help (from people who KNOW how to help you. We're just a lot of sympathetic moms and I don't know that what we say will help you.)

I hope that your sister is able to work with a support group. There are good ones out there - the hospital can give her a list.

Hugs~

I'm not sure there's an easy answer to this situation. You have a lot of major life events happening at once.

I do know when I've faced tragedy and need to function in my daily life, I just designate in my mind time each day when it's ok to mourn, think about it all, etc. So, I get through work and kid activities, and then after 7pm it's my time to reflect. Does that make sense? It's not easy, but I've found it helps to keep my mind from racing.

Also, consider writing down your thoughts. Just letting things come out in written form can give some relief.

I'm so sorry about the loss of your niece or nephew, but wish you all the best with your happy upcoming events!

Oh my heart goes out to your sister. I know how hard that is. I have held two of my children who have died before birth. Honey, just relax. When I was pregnant with my youngest I would daily count kicks. It gave me so much comfort to feel her movements. You will be fine. Count your blessings and comfort your sister.

Why were you at the birth in your condition? Did the loss occur suddenly? Were the Dr's not aware something was wrong? My concern for you is that you held and watched all that occured with the baby and you will now be affected by it. I guess with all that was occurring no one thought of getting you out of there.

I'm so sorry for your sister's loss. With that said, as hateful as it may sound, try as best as you can, to put it in perspective and understand that although there has been a loss sufferred, it is not yours and that you are not responsible for what has occurred. Now, please do not confuse putting things in perspective with being heartless or cold. It is just seeing things for what they are. Somethings are explicable and some things aren't. I am a firm believer of things happen for a reason, one which we may not understand at the time yet must deal with. I understand that you may feel guilty in your happiness at this time, but again, put it in perspective. Be there for your sister, but try not to let it affect you physically. It is important to focus on your well being. I know that sounds cruel or heartless, but it is just perspective. You need to be well and healthy for your baby, while trying to balance the loss that has just occurred. Perhaps postponing or cancelling the shower will help, have your guests mail you their gifts or perhaps making it a memorium/shower, as some places can be adament about cancellations. Go ahead with your wedding, but expect anything from your sister.......from not attending to pretending nothing is wrong. Again.....put it in perspective, even if for the day and enjoy the blessings that are. Good luck.

What happens next depends somewhat on your family dynamic which you have not given much detail on yet. Was sister in your wedding? Was your mom involved in any of the showers or wedding planning? Was it an elaborate wedding? plane tickets purchased etc. ? Do you really want to move forward with everything? I'm not saying you should postpone your wedding. But if you do not, you may have to swallow hard and realize that it doesn't get to be all about you. Can you graciously do that?

What other way can we show love for our family than to graciously role with it? In your case I think this means not everything gets to be about you, the atmosphere doesn't get to be happy and care free. Its okay if for a moment you start resenting the timing of events, or that this had to happen at all, but immediately pull back and realize its nobodie's fault.
Do what you think is best. Don't let people on this site make you feel you have to cancel. We don't know all the particulars. You may have 5 best friends flying in for your shower and the time spent with them will do you some good. Or maybe a meet and greet party will be better under the circumstances. If you feel you can go on with baby shower, send your mom to spend the day with your sister. Work on accepting that this special season is tainted. Nothing you do will stop the images-only time. So don't force something that can't be. This is unfortunate timing so go ahead and grieve. Grieve for your sister. Heck grieve that this is affecting your special time, but keep it between you and your fiancé. Be gracious in every other way. Ask your sister what she wants you to do and how she wants you to move forward.
I was surprised when a friend of mine who derived a 23 week old baby (died two hours later in her arms), decided to attend a reunion I had planned with my husband and his med school buddies a week after the incident. It changed everything and thats okay. We almost cancelled, but they wanted to come. I set up a bedroom for her she could go to if she wanted to get a way, but she just asked that we accept that the emotions come in waves. So we celebrated and cried, celebrated and cried.

When I was pregnant with my second baby, my sister's best friend lost her baby. She thought that everything was okay until the baby was born brain dead. After that, I was too scared to get excited for my son's birth until I actually heard his cries.

Two years later, I lost my daughter. She was a 3rd trimester stillborn and I actually watched her heart stop beating on an ultrasound as the doctors told me it was too late to save her. That was about a year and a half ago and I still tear up everyday when I think about her. The loss has been so much harder than I ever could have imagined.

I am a little bothered by your heading saying that it "just happened to you". It did not just happen to you, it happened to your sister and you need to focus more on her grieving than your own. She is really hurting right now. If she has not already done so, I would recommend that she goes on online loss support groups. It really helped me to talk to other mothers who have been through the same thing because they are the only ones who truely understand what it is like.

As far as your showers and wedding go, it is up to you if you are feeling up to celebrating at this time. Do not cancel them because of your sister. She may be hurting too much to attend and may be too sad to express how happy she is for you, but I am sure she still wants you to live a happy life even if she is grieving. She might avoid you after your baby is born, not because she doesn't love her niece or nephew, but because it might be really hard to see other babies. Just give her time and any support she needs.

Allow yourself time to grieve. Do whatever it takes to get through each day, but when you do think about your sister and your little niece or nephew, acknowledge those thoughts and take a deep breath.

It's a lot to deal with. So I would allow yourself to grieve, and if you have a therapist be sure to discuss it in your sessions. If you can get into a therapist on an emergency basis it might be really helpful.

I wish I had better advice.

Wow, that is something else!
It will make you realize how special your baby is.
I am so sorry to hear this.
Your sister needs support, dust yourself off and give it to her.

My sister lost a boy and a set of twins before she was able to have my niece. It's one of the saddest things I've ever seen someone go through. It's extremely hard on those who are on the sidelines too. You being pregnant makes it triple hard.

I urge you to talk about this to your fiance, your friends that are not friends with the sister, so she isn't effected by this, anyone you can talk to about it. This will get it out of your system and you'll be facing it instead of burying it deep.

Talking about stuff allows us to hear ourselves and we work through stuff better once it's out there.

You have had a trauma. You will have to deal with it or it will become a huge pimple - sore and red and ugly and painful.
When this happened to me, I just asked God to help me get through the current time, and allow me to deal with it later.
Specifically, my prayer was "Please take this from me God - I can't deal with it now. Please help me to deal with it later." This is what worked for me.
In your case I would also add something, like " Please allow joy to reign in my heart at this time, and Your love to comfort me. There is time for all things - let me share love and joy with my new husband and baby now."
This is what worked for me. Prayer.
And also pray for healing for your sister and the baby's father.
Be prepared - don't hide your sorrow, but ask God to give you the strength to deal with it at a different time. If it is His will, He will.

Sorry for your sister's loss. But for you, try the following:

Try getting a rubber bad and put it on your wrist. Every time you think about the trauma of your sister's stillbirth, snap the rubber band. This sounds crazy, but it actually trains your mind to stop obsessing on this. This technique is used by psychologists for obsessive thoughts.