Please Help Me Break This Habit!

Try this...
"No."

As in... "I eat"... "No."
"Rock me"... "No."
"I sleep in your bed."... "No."
"Pat my back"... "No."
"Rub my hair."... "No."

It's really hard to say no to our kids, but you need to start doing it and you need to be consistant. Imagine this... you tell her no. The next day you give in. Then you tell her no for the next 3 days. Then you give in the next time... The message you are sending is she needs to just keep asking and eventually you will say yes since she isn't sure if you really mean it "this time". You have to be consistant for her to get it. So.... that means this will take TIME. You can't try it for a day or 2 and say it didn't work and go back to what you were doing before (which is giving in), or be consistant and follow through and you know in your heart this will work. She will cry. She will protest. She will test you. And IF YOU ARE CONSISTANT, she will get it. If you back slide even just once and give in, all that teaches her is to keep trying because you DO have a breaking point and that "no" really means "just keep trying and it will mean yes at some point."

You need to put her to bed (read or sing to her or whatever), say good night, and leave the room while she is still AWAKE. What I did when my young ones were clingy is I'd say I'd be right back, that I had to go do laundry or wash dishes or something else boring... then i"d come back in a couple of minutes and say they were doing a good job staying in their bed and then again say I'd be right back. You have to say what you mean and mean what you say to build trust. I'd wait longer and longer in between going back in the room. Once they figure out they can fall asleep without you in the room, it makes it much easier to do it in the middle of the night, too. Follow the same steps. Do not stay in the room, just check on her and say you'll be right back. Tired? Yep, you will be for a few nights. But do this consistantly and it won't last more than a week. AND THEN YOU WILL ALL GET A GOOD NIGHT'S REST!!!

By the way, why does she have a water cup in her bed??? She shouldn't be drinking right before falling asleep much less throughout the night if you ever want her dry through the night for potty training. If you insist on letting her drink before bed, fine, and then take the cup away. Allow her to put it in the fridge and let her know she can have it again in the morning. She will tell you she is thirsty and act as though she has been stranded on a desert island for a week, but I promise she will not get dehydrated if you take her nighttime cup away. Also, if you insist that she still needs a binki then make sure there are several in her bed. At her age, she should be able to find it and pop it back in her own mouth without your help.

Seriously, Heather- I am not telling you anything you don't already know. It's your choice- do it or continue to go sleepless (which isn't healthy for ANY of you.)

One more thing... if she is such a light sleeper, you need some white noise in her room. My kids have air filters, but there are other ways to get that static sound. My son used to have an old, small TV in his room and I'd put it on a non-channel. It's great because it's a night light and white noise. I betcha you can pick one up cheap from a thrift shop!

My oldest did that at your daughter's age. I thought I would lose my mind. And, incidentally, of all the things I've lost, I miss my mind the most...
I finally told my son, as he approached my side of the bed (why don't they wake up Dad?) honey, I'm so tired, I have to go back to bed. And I lay my head back down. He walked out of the room and into his bed and fell asleep. It was no longer a "game" that I was willing to play. Children are a lot of work. But time and life go by quickly, so please make the most of the experience and "don't sweat the small stuff - it's all small"
God Bless and perhaps a babysitter this weekend so you can enjoy a night out with your husband...?

can i just say, i feel your pain :). both of my kids do this still. my daughter is 4 1/2 and my son is 2 1/2. it's not every night anymore, and if i'm home alone by myself, it doesn't seem to happen, but if my husband is off of work and someone else is over it's worse. for my daughter, when she was 2 and doing this i would keep the door to her room cracked and then bounce on my exercise ball until she was asleep, that way if she got up then i would no automatically and then just either point to the bed or tell her to go back. now she calls us into her room and makes something up to tell us :). but she rarely gets out of bed anymore. my son thinks that it's a game and he still does it on more nights than he doesn't. but i just tell him that if he gets out of bed, i'll pop his bottom (and i will, but only once and just enough to let him know i'm not kidding, or i'll tell him i'm going to cut his hair,which he hates) i know that it seems mean, but if nothing else is working what are you going to do? i also will lay him down without saying anything, and this will work quite a bit so i don't have to often take the threat method. he was getting up and down for more than an hour and also getting up a few times a night. now, like i said he doesn't get up very often and he rarely wakes up in the night. does your daughter wake up every night? my son just started being scared of the dark and telling me that he's scared. i had to put an extra nightlite in his room and sometimes have to look out his window and let him see that nothing is out there. also have just started having to leave his door open at night, where before he couldn't sleep if it was left open. so maybe this is a phase that she is scared of something but unable to communicate it to you besides what she is doing? also if she is screaming in the middle of the night(my son also did this a few times) have you thought about putting a radio in your sons room so that she doesn't wake him up since he needs sleep? that way you can go in there and tell her that everything is ok and cover her back up give her a kiss and then tell her it's still bed time and then walk back out. if she gets up just put her right back in there. nothing is going to guarentee that she is going to stay in bed. nothing works for every child bc every child is different. you know your child best and you need to try everything you can think of be it nice and calm or strict and mostly calm:). you have to look at it like this. how effective of a spouse and mother are you if your walking around your house dead tired all the time with a short temper and aggravated all the time and not being willing or able to play and spend time with everyone bc you're so tired. also try moving her bedtime up. if you know that she is going to get out of bed for an hour or so move her bedtime up by that much. i lay both of mine down by 7:30pm bc i know that it takes them a while to fall asleep, and my daugther normally looks at a book b4 she falls asleep. so i give them this extra time. hope this helps

She's smart and she's got you figured out. She only pulls the "I eat" and "rock me", etc. because you fall for it and give in to her demands. As Dr. Phil says, you've got the tail waggin the dog here. lol She's calling the shots and you're doing everything you can to pacify her.
One thing I do suggest, because you mentioned squeaky floors, is to buy a sound machine. We've got them in both our kid's rooms. Set to the sound of rain. Not very loud, just a constant white noise that drowns out some regular household or outdoor noises that can wake someone.
You have to find some kind of routine that works for your family. Most people have one, you just need to adjust it a little. Something like dinner time, then bath. Quiet play like reading books or something similar. If you want her to learn chores, you can put all the toys away together before reading books. Then you take her to room, change the diaper, give her snuggles and lights out. When she protests, you can go to her, but not immediately and don't engage her. Don't speak, don't coddle. Just put her back to bed and then out the door you go. Each time, make it a little longer before you go in and remain silent. Don't turn on the lights either. It can take a few nights of doing this to get it to work, but eventually she will catch on that you won't be coming every time she yells.
And keeping her up late actually makes it worse. An overly tired child does not sleep well at night and it becomes a vicious cycle. Naps cut short, cranky toddler, and then won't sleep at night. you'd think it would be opposite and that she'd be so tired she'd conk out, but that's not the case. So even if she puts up a fight, get her to bed at a reasonable time. It's going to be hard and she's getting mixed messages by sleeping in other people's beds and then not getting to do that at home. You'll probably have to get everyone on board to get it to really work. Good luck!

Heather K,
I am coming in a little late, but, I think that if you try getting her a rag doll that is larger than she is, you can even make one. When she gets out of bed the first time, tell her the dolls name, or let her pick out a name and tell her this is her dream buddy to hold her close and keep her safe and warm. You know, to take care of her. This may sound crazy, but may be worth a try. It will give her a sense of the mommy role. Most little girls like that. Since you are trying to get the child to sleep alone, you should speak candidly with relatives who are allowing her to sleep with them and send the dolly when she is over night. If she keeps getting out of bed, keep giving her the doll, she'll catch on. Good luck.

you need to get a baby gate and put it across the doorway to keep her in the room. Get one that she can't climb...one with straight bars up and down (check improvements catalog online under "pets").....also you aren't going to like this solution, but you need to just let her scream and ignore the screaming. As it stands, this 2 year old is running your home and possibly stressing your marriage, which needs to be the priority if you want to remain a stable, 2 parent family! It really is in her best interest for you to regain control of the situation. Kids need us to set limits for them....it gives them a sense of security when we do. Your daughter behaves this way because you reward her behavior by giving her attention. Give her attention....and lots of it!....when she behaves appropriately (i.e. makes it thru the night without getting up and screaming). You might even reward her at first with something she really likes...a cookie or a new toy. Completely ignore any behavior that you do not wish to encourage. That means don't respond negatively either!

Children need to learn to self comfort. Get her a doll, bear or blanket that she can sleep with for security, and let her work it out. The first night will be the hardest for you as parents....we did this and it was hard to listen to the screaming...but the results were worth it! Go into another room where you can't hear it, if it bothers you that much. If she wakes up your school age child, start this on a long weekend. I actually did read about this in a book but can't remember which book; it was so long ago....I've heard lectures on it too. My kids grew up just fine! They are well behaved teenagers now who know there are boundaries....in fact they are learning to set their own boundaries! For the sake of your daughter's future and your family's functionality, you need to regain control! I wish you all the best.

I am getting in late too, but felt I had some advise to offer for I have been there.

Sometimes you have to be mean. Stay with me now..she needs to learn to self sooth at night in order to develop good sleep habits. Just like we did. The more attention she gets the worse this will make her road. If she gets up, don't say a word walk her to bed get her all snuggled in offer the doll or animal (great way to help her not feel "alone) stay with the soft music (we have to take our CD to grandma's, in-laws, on vacation!) tell her the first time only "it is time for bed" as your are tucking her in.

From there do the same things just without the words. It takes a few tries, a few times, a few nights maybe. But the key here is "no attention" that is what they are looking for. If she gets all she needs from you in that area before bed it is OK to do this at night. When I say "be mean" I really don't mean that. But some moms/dads think it is. Not so.

You are doing for her at a young age something she needs in the future for her life. Good sleeping habits and the ability to sooth herself. Without it she will have a harder time.

I have given this advise to several girlfriends with a child younger than my now 6 yr old son. They too either had this issue or the child wanting to sleep with them, back rub, rocking you name it. They followed my advise for a few nights with consistance and tada! They had a sleeping child.

PS A hang up is them being sick and often I find holiday time. Stay with it! If they need something provide it but think...is this for attention or a need? Go with your gut it is always right!

Best of luck!

Hi Heather,
I'm in the "they can't learn unless we let them" camp, advocating that you help your daughter learn self-soothing skills and learn that you set the rules/patterns/household rhythms, not her.

As for keeping her from coming out of the room - you can't unless you bar the door somehow - lock it or gate it. We decided against that and chose to march our son back into his room each and every time, silently. It's wearing, but it's worth it. You just have to stay stalward in your response, making sure that you're responding the same way every single time. It took almost a week but he did stop coming out of his room and then a couple of weeks later, he was at it again, but this time for only a couple of days.

A book that really helped me gain perspective and understand techniques/methods is

Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child by Marc Weissbluth

Good luck!

Tammi F is right on the money.. (except for the typo, so may I clarify without stepping on toes.. ?... ) After the bedtime "ritual" (whatever it may be, reading,singing, prayers, etc) you leave the room while she is still AWAKE. Don't wait for her to go to sleep before you make your exit. That is why this whole process is referred to as "sleep training". You are training them to go to sleep, not stay asleep. How to fall asleep on their own. Once they master that, the rest is a piece of cake in comparison. Once they are able and comfortable falling asleep on their own, they will naturally begin to do the same thing when they awaken during the night, assuming that you continue to encourage their learning to do so.

As for keeping her there, I can only tell you what worked at my house. When my son was that age, our bedtime "ritual" included me lying down on his bed with him for about 2 minutes (literally, I counted 120 seconds in my head). At the end of the designated time, I kissed him goodnight, retucked the covers, said I love you, sweet dreams, etc, then left the room. Most nights, I had to go _____(empty the dishwasher, do laundry, clean the microwave, etc), but promised to check on him in 10 minutes. I always tried to choose something that he could HEAR me doing. That way he was able to visualize what mommy was doing, which seemed to help comfort him. If he didn't stay in the bed, the consequences included me closing the door (which he couldn't stand). Always use an immediate consequence. Threats to lose something tomorrow won't work on this problem. If I did close the door, I opened it to check on him in about 2 or 3 minutes, and offered him an opportunity to stay in bed and go to sleep with the door open. If he did not stay in bed, I came back and shut the door without a word. I think I only had to do that once. Once you tell her you will come back to check on her, don't get involved in something and forget. She needs to see you come check on her at LEAST once for several weeks. Then she learns to trust that she is not forgotten or alone once she goes to sleep. But just check (peek in, and whisper - "just checking on you" or nothing at all and leave). No extra hug or kiss, etc. Stay firm. Be consistent. She will get it.

Hi, I've done tons of reading, before and after I had kids- (mostly Dr. Sears) and we're firm believers of co-sleeping. Most people in the other countries of the world co-sleep. As long as there's enough room, everyone gets their sleep. It also helps you find creative ways to spend alone time with your spouse- like in other rooms! Sounds like you really don't want to do this but your daughter is telling you that she is feeling alone and afraid. When she is ready, she will go into her own bed- and feel safe and secure. This hits at different ages for every child. If you want to sleep, and have your daughter sleep and be emotionally well, that is my best advice. At 2.5, she is not trying to manipulate you. My daughter is the same age and sleeps with us still and sleeps like a log most of the time. Good luck with this, whatever you decide to do. Blessings! V.