Please Give Your Advice

Hi T.,

I am so sorry your family is going through this. It does sound like you are in a very difficult situation. It seems from what you wrote that you feel your husband would not respond to therapy, but unless you have made up your mind you do not want to stay with him you might want to consider marital counseling or at least go to treatment yourself so that you can work through your emotions and everything that is going on in your life. It might seem that divorce is the best answer even after you receive treatment, but at least then you might be emotionally strong enough to make good decisions for you and your child. Keep in mind that although your husband might seem like he does not care about you and your son he might be missing spending time with you since it sounds you two do not spend time together and have not been intimate in two years! If you opt for divorce there are things to keep in mind apart from the financial. Your husband might want custody of your son, at least some of the time, and you need to be ready for such discussions/possibilities before you go down that road. Whatever options you take do note that your husband's behavior is affecting your son, the shouting and breaking of things in the home is not acceptable behavior and your son should not be exposed to it. Your son will learn to treat you with the level of respect he sees others treat you and he will learn to manage anger/cope with emotions in the way he sees others in his life react so you might want to opt for treatment (or a decision) sooner rather than later. Reach out for support from your family, you need someone in your corner. Good luck!

T., go and get a copy of the book, "The Love Dare." It could change your marriage, your life, and make a profound difference in your future and your son's. See the movie "Fireproof" if you can. I wish we'd had these when we were struggling ourselves.

Also I would caution others on here against saying that your marriage is not fixable, or discouraging you from trying to stay this relationship, or from making judgments based just on what you are able to share here. God can change hearts and heal marriages that seem broken beyond fixing. My husband and I are living proof. If you'd asked me 10 years ago, I'd never have thought I'd still be married to him. Today we are happy beyond what any two humans deserve. That doesn't mean your story will end the same, but it DOES happen in real life - I can promise you that from my own experience.

Send me a message if you'd like to talk more. God bless you and your family.

Hey T.,

I am heart broken for you and your baby right now. I am going through divorce. The situation sounds very familiar. If he hasn't hurt you, trust me he will. I know. My only advice is to end it any way you can. It seems to be the pattern...Men want children, they get them, them hate their wife for being a mom, a tired mom. My X is well know, powerful and well off. Trust me, the fight is the same. Always hidden.

Sherri"s response was wonderful, I met her through this site. You can trust her and contact her. You are welcome to contact me too.

Just so you know, he doesn't care, he won't care until its all taken away from him and looks back one day and sees what he lost.

Be strong. God bless.

T.,

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think we all feel like our husbands don't help as much as we would like sometimes, but you are clearly going through the "extreme" version of it. I think you really need to decide if you want this relaitionship to work or not. If you do, please find a councilor, minister, or someone to talk to, either the two of you or just you if your husband won't go. If you really can't afford any care (your health insurance should cover something)- call the RESOLVE crisis network at 1.888.7.YOU CAN. They will come to you if you need them too.

I want you to consider whether staying is the best thing. I'm not making a suggestion one way or the other-- only you can make that decision-- but you aren't doing your son any favors by letting him grow up in a household where men treat women this way.

I really hope things get better. THe first year is so hard. Take care of you, so you can take care of your little boy.

Hi T.

I feel so bad for you that you have to go through this. Here is my advice to you:

You cannot change the fact that you married him..it is done and you have a beautiful child from this relationship. Yes-your situation is horrible and it is OK to feel sorry for yourself but you have also got to get a plan to change things for yourself and most importantly your child. It does not sound to me like this marriage is fixable. Furthermore he sounds like a dangerous man so your first thought should be how to get out and away from him. You say you don't want to involve friends and family but you don't give a reason for this. If it is because they advised you not to marry him and you are dreading the "I told you so's" then you need to swallow your pride and admit to people that you were wrong about him. If they love you they will understand and be there for you. You need them right now more than ever because this whole transition will be much easier with a family support system. If you can't depend on your family I would follow the great advice of the other respondents and follow the resource leads that they gave you. There are so many people out there who can help you with this.

Yours and your child's safety and well being are dependent on you so please take action as soon as you can. You will feel so much better when you are away from him.

Good luck and God Bless.

T., please talk to someone in legal aid. I know that you don't think you can get out of your marriage right now but you need to talk to someone who can give you a realistic look at your options. A friend of mine is trying to get out of her marriage right now (married for over 10 years with 3 kids) because of a husband who not only treats her badly but the children as well. She has found that she is entitled to both child support and spousal support. The Women's Shelter has a legal aid department that usually offers free consultation. Sometimes there are fees for actually doing more than consult but they are usually on a sliding scale.

Several of the things you mention remind me of one of my best friend's marriages. This friend was, also, my aunt. Her marriage escalated into violence and she died at the hands of her husband 4 1/2 years ago. I still miss her tremendously and wish she had gotten out before things had gotten to the point they had. She, too, didn't think she had that option as a stay-at-home mom but there is always a way.

Your marriage will hopefully never get to that point but I think you need to have a heart to heart with your husband. Perhaps the way to start it and get him interested in talking to you about your marriage is to start with the questions, "do you want to be married to me?" and "do you love me?". Then go from there, if he says yes, ask him to talk about ways you can work together to make things work because you are extremely unhappy and don't see things getting better if they stay the same. If he says "no" to either question, then ask him to talk about how you can end things amicably and make them work for you as a family so that he can be a part of your son's life as well.

I know that this doesn't solve everything but staying together for the sake of your son won't work. If it is a matter of biding your time til you have everything lined up to go, that is one thing. Waiting for a job or a miracle to happen usually doesn't work.

It is your marriage and you have to do what you feel is right. I hope you will take the time now to figure out if it is something you would like to fix (probably not) or if there is a way out now (hopefully). Either way, I wish you the best of luck and keep you in my prayers.

I am so sorry for what you are going through. I am giving you a ((hug)).
I couldn't agree with Becky more. She said it PERFECTLY. I was with an abusive man (who loved to throw things initially) and she is right, they don't change. Please start making a "safe" plan. When I left mine, the "Hope Center" paid for my first and last month's rent (they have grants to do this). I also have a friend who head up housing for single moms who want to go back to school. If you'd like, I can give you her contact info.
I know you feel trapped right now, and I know that it takes tremendous effort to change your environment with a little one. It is better to do this now...healthy, happy Mommies are the best thing for children. You can do it, sweetie. You seem like an incredibly strong woman and concerned Mother. Contact me if you'd like to chat.
Good luck!