Pity Parties

I have pity parties for myself. Party for O. please! I think they are healthly. It is a time for me to stay in my jammies, watch tv and be anti social to everyone. I don't do it very often but when I do, I do it right!

There's a huge difference between a "pity party" and just explaining a "bad situation" It sounds like you have some insensitive acquaintances.

I have a friend who throws some serious pity parties. She is unhappy and "woe is me" no matter what..I really think i should invest in a violin.

Human nature is a funny thing. Sometimes we try to quantify another's experience by their external circumstances.

"Why are you whining, we'll say. It was just your dog that died, MY grandmother died. You aren't allowed to hurt, but I am because my experience was harder / more real / valid," or, "You grew up in a dysfunctional family? My cousin did, and she's fine. So what's YOUR problem."

I really like the phrase, "Don't compare your insides to another's outsides."

We really don't know. We can empathize, we can be compassionate, we can relate (or we can prejudge, we can sympathize, we can moralize, we can condemn) - but we don't know what it was like, internally, for the other person.

Trauma is cumulative (neurologically). LIFE is cumulative. Maybe what a person is complaining about is their arthritis. "What's the big deal? My dad has arthritis and HE doesn't complain."

What the person hasn't told me (because it's none of my business unless they want to tell me), is that their daughter is dying. They spent their day on the phone trying to advocate for her medical care. Their back is killing them from sitting in a chair, while they tried to reach the insurance company over, and over, and over again. Their kid is dying, they can't pay for it, and there isn't anything they can do about it.

So when I ask, "how are you? Why are you late?" They say, "Arthritis, and damn phone calls, and ______(insert "pitty party" here). What I'm missing is what's behind all that. I'm also missing ALL of her back story, birth to present.

We all have CHOICES and OPTIONS. What we may miss is how trauma, damage, oppression, etc. actually informed those choices and options, emotionally, internally, spiritually.

Trauma actually affects the brain. This is fairly new science, and I'm not a brain guy, so I don't have all the language yet. What I grasp is that trauma (particularly childhood trauma) rewires our brain. We switch to survival. From the outside folks are like, "Ummm, you had a CHOICE."

But that's not the complete picture. Yes, they had a choice. They were making a choice within their internal and external context. And that's not ours to know. With exception of the true sociopath (which I don't understand), most of us are doing the best with what we have. Barriers look a lot of different ways. Sometimes it's simply about the physical barriers we confront (i.e. Joe didn't have money to go to college). More influencing (perhaps?) are the limitations and barriers we face (neurologically, our internal value and empowerment) within.

It's not JUST that Joe doesn't have money to go to college. It's ALL of the other physical / internal barriers as well: (school system, learning abilities w/in public education, crime, dysfunction, being told it's within his control when it's not / that it's his fault, not having been taught to navigate a bureaucratic system, not being seen or heard w/in those systems, feeling disempowered, etc.) It's a LOT more complicated than, "You made bad choices."

Anyway, back to your question: I don't know what a pity party is. I get to set fluid boundaries, "I have ten minutes to talk and then I gotta run," or, "Oh, you know what, I might not be the best person to talk to about this," or, "When you talk about X,Y,Z, I feel triggered," or any number of other things. That's my way of taking care of myself.

I don't get to decide how another person should feel, or what is deserving of time / space, or what they should have done.

Unless it was me surviving, I don't know how it was for them. A lot of my "bad choices" were in fact really smart choices. They got me through until I was ready to deal with my trauma and damage. Did they always look or feel good? HAEL NO! It was the best I could do with what I had.

Now I get to be a really great advocate because I've seen both sides of my own internal landscape. And that's a blessing.

Hugs, and thanks for the question.

Added: Libby, honey, I'm sending you hugs. Please don't read the posts of people who upset you anymore. They don't care about you at all - they just use you as a bullypit for their political agendas. You can get through this. I promise. Just take it a day at a time. Those of us who aren't fake jerk-offs care and want you to be healthy and well. We know what you are going through and believe in you. I'm sending big hugs through cyber-space so you feel some positive feelings here. Keep going. You can do this!

Original:
I think that if you call yourself a friend to someone who is going through a hard time, having a "pity party", as you put it, that you put your arm around them and say "I'm so sorry. I know you're having a hard time." And then you shut up.

If you want to give them advise on what you think might help, fine. But beyond that, they should leave it alone.

A real friend would. A faux friend won't.

Dawn

Interesting question! Pitying yourself is really regretting where you are in life or the choices you've made or -- this is the sucky O. -- crappy things that have happened to you through no fault of your own. I was curious what I would come up with if I googled it and I came across this:

Regret is a difficult companion to live with mentally, emotionally, and physically because it increases our susceptibility to pity parties, erodes our self-confidence, undermines our ability to achieve what we’re capable of, alters our moods at any given moment, robs us of joy, changes how we see ourselves, and affects our health.

Regret can cause us to become bitter, cynical, or judgmental, and to even turn on ourselves. Most important, it keeps us from living in the present moment, which is where we need to be if we’re to heal our body and change the source of the regret in our life. Regret only sees life from two perspectives: the past and the future. When living in the past, we’re always comparing where we are now with where we’ve been. This is not healthy. When living in the future, we’re always planning what we’ll be doing rather than just doing it now. Again, this is not a healthy perspective.

Regret-Proof Your Life

Here are 5 simple steps to help “regret-proof” your life:

* Shift your perception of the past. Rather than using it to compare where you are now with where you were, use it to help you see how far you’ve come and how much you’ve grown.

*Transform the way you tell your story. We all have a life story that we tell and retell. Change that story so you’re not using it to elicit the sympathy of other people or to get attention. Instead, use it to inspire others to change their life and interestingly, it will change yours.

*Stop the Could’a-Should’a-Would’a Talk. At the time you make your choices, they are based on the best information available. And, contrary to what you’ve been led to believe, hindsight isn’t a teacher. It’s an imitator.

*Reclaim your dreams. You can’t change the past, but you can reclaim the essential experiences from the past that can help you live your dreams every day.

* Laugh more. It’s interesting how laughter keeps you engaged in the present moment. Besides, it’s hard to be pessimistic when you’re having a good belly laugh. When you laugh, it’s even harder to take regret seriously.

http://www.healyourlife.com/author-carol-ritberger-phd/20...

For me, a pity party is when someone feels sorry for themselves without trying to help their situation, or when it goes on for an extended amount of time, and it's time to just accept your situation & make the best of it. Being sad & negative doesn't help anyone, ever. Having a good attitude can make a difficult situation (whether it's your fault or not) seem less difficult.

I try never to feel sorry for myself, no matter how bad things get. I believe in positive thinking, working hard, making the best of what I've got. Through hard work, education and opportunity I've acheived enough not to have money insecurity every day.
I was born white, solid middle class on the west coast of CA in a priviledged place when things were going pretty darn good in this country. Those facts are never lost on me and I won't judge others for the tough breaks they've had and struggles they endure. If I act like I know what's it's REALLY like to walk in someone else's shoes and accuse anyone of having a "pity party" because they're scared and feel overwhlemed then I am no longer showing true gratefulness for what I have. I have turned into part of the problem instead of helping to find a solution. I truly beleive we all rise and fall together and I would rather pull someone up than push them down.

I have pity parties for myself; more so when I was younger than now. A pity party is when you're feeling sorry for yourself. It can be a party of O., yourself. It can be a time when friends rally around to help you feel better. Then they say this is a pity party. How can we/I help you get out of feeling sorry for yourself. Using the term pity party, in my experience,is a way of showing sympathy. O. can put someone down by telling them they're having a pity party but if they did I would question their friendship.

In therapy I learned that having a pity party can be a good thing. We do need to feel sad about what is happening with us. It's healthy to be aware of how you feel and allow yourself to feel sad. And it's healthy to let go of the sadness and get out of the pity party mode.

I've known people who were into pity party big time. They were unhappy about everything. Their focus was on themselves and how they feel unhappy to the detriment of good relationships with friends. Then it's appropriate to tell them to stop the pity party. Feeling sorry for yourself too long when you're in a bad place prevents you from getting out of the bad place.

I think we are each occasionally allowed to have a pity party.

But the truth is, they are not very useful. So the pity party needs to be brief, and then we need to buck up and move on.

But if someone is briefly venting to us, I think we can indulge them for a few minutes.

In addition to the definitions below, I would like to add that having O. is fine for a time. Cry it out, sulk, wrap up in a blanket...whatever. Then, get yourself up and set about fixing things.

A pity party is when someone feels sorry for him or herself and keeps talking about it. How long it lasts is to me what makes it ok or not. Everyone feels sorry for him/herself at some point and that's fine. It's human nature. I'm curious why some people actually seem angry at the rest of society though for poor choices they've made and/or bad luck. The idea of righting a wrong when no O. has actually done anything bad to them is confusing. That's a destructive pity party in my opinion bc nothing gets solved that way. When people are unjustly blamed for other people's problems, they get defensive and turn on the people in need partly out of fear. Then it turns into a vicious cycle.

It depends. I know many people who suffer in silence. I know others who wine about every single little thing without any concern for others. Some people need to speak out to get help. Some people need to wallow a bit and deal with their grief. But where is the line drawn to where they get recovery? When they begin again and leave the past in the past and start planning for their future with positive goals and hopes? People don't usually accuse other's or 'pity parties' unless it is old news, annoyingly repeated or over the top, or the people some how keep getting in that situation due to bad choices.

For instance, if my friend, Abby all of a sudden her husband lost his job, we would rally to help her. But say, Abby is whining six months later b/c they are dirt broke, but they just got a new car and go out every weekend and her husband Steve hasn't been looking for work, than yeah, I would say she is having a 'pity party'.

The times I have pitied being me are when I'm in a lot of pain for a long time without relief (my last 8 months, for instance). Or when I'm in a financial situation that I can't turn around (been there a couple of times, once not having enough to eat for two endless years). Or when somebody I respect sideswipes me with a cruel judgment (lived through that about 10 years ago).

But I try not to burden other people with my issues, and it sure doesn't feel like a party, and if somebody accused me of that, that would be O. of those cruel judgments, and I would have a pretty hard time keeping them on my friends list. And I'm O. of those nice people who do my damnedest to give other people the benefit of the doubt.

When somebody is suffering, accusing them of having a pity party is not generally a supportive thing to do, in my observation. And even if somebody were having a riotous time feeling sorry for themselves, it's just a mean and superior thing to say.

Well, in my honest opinion, there is a difference between expressing the difficulty of O.'s situation as opposed to a "pity party".
I am an exceedingly understanding and compassionate person and even I grow tired of people who can never see anything good in anything or stop to think that there are so many who have things so much worse.

A coworker today confided in me that she was in a grumpy mood. She had just had two deaths in the family. She was emotionally exhausted. It was hard for her to spend her day taking care of everyone else's needs when she just didn't feel like doing it after not being sure if she had emotionally taken care of herself.
HOWEVER, she got it off her chest. She did her job cheerfully and she took care of everyone who needed her in the capacity that she was at work for.
Her telling me how she felt wasn't a pity party.
She didn't whine. She didn't try to get out of her duties. She didn't treat people like they were somehow imposing on her.
She held it together.

Then, I also deal with people who think if the slightest thing is out of whack, their entire universe is off it's axis and they IMPOSE that energy on other people. They expect other people to change their lives and routines to jump and run OR stand still according to their situation at hand.
Those type of people can be draining and exhausting.
I had a friend who was a pity partier.
I'm sorry, but that's the blunt truth.
She couldn't find something positive in a day if her life depended on it and it was stuff like griping because her husband didn't load the dishwasher the way she wanted. He didn't fold the towels the way she wanted. He put toilet paper in rolling under instead of over and God forbid if he walked the dog on the leash she didn't want him to use.
To me, day after day, stuff like that is just a pity party.
First of all, she had a husband who provided financially for the family.
I guess I'm just trying to say I don't understand where pity or sorrow was supposed to come in to any of that.
I've been a single mom a long time.
I've struggled. I've hated it. At the same time, I'm pretty proud of myself for pulling it off.
I get tired beyond description, but I don't want anyone to pity me for it.
Like I said, there's a difference between stating your situation and having a pity party.
Actual pity partiers tend to bring me down and I don't have a lot of time for them.

Just my opinion.

Without context this cannot be answered. I think even with context it still cannot be answered. I think at times it is O. of many human failings.

Say for instance someone says they have to work and it isn't fair that they don't see their kids during the day. A stay at home mom would have compassion for that person. Someone who works 60 hours a week would not because the other person only works 40.

That is the thing with pity parties it is all about perspective.

I sometimes wonder who is more offensive mind you, is it the person complaining to someone who wishes they only worked 40 hours about the 40 hour work week or the person working 60 hours not having pity on the other?

Do you think it is possible that the person who said they are just having a pity party went though worse than your friend? Do you even know?

Just my take on things, I am having a bad day. Apparently a mess of people believe it is okay not to pay their bills causing people like me to work harder to make ends meet since we don't get raises. Not having a pity party mind you, I am a survivor, not a victim.

To me, a pity party is when someone is unjustifiably negative and whines about petty things. I have an aunt who is like Eeyore. Every day her FB posts are an endless list of complaints about how hard her life is: Waaah it's raining (like we're all not getting wet). Boo hoo it's cold. Poor me my husband travels for work. I'm soooooo busy and stressed even though I'm a SAHM of O. child who is in school all day. I don't like my neighbors. My allergies are bothering me. My arthritis has flared up. And on, and on, and on...

But I would never SAY anything to her - that would, indeed, be rude.

I do joke with good friends about pity parties when they're complaining about trivial things but that's usually to make them laugh and re-focus on everything that's going right.

I want to have my own pity party, but no O. will come. WAHHHH!

I think that we need to be calm, collected and hold it together. I also think that to do that and stay sane we need to indulge in the occaisional screaming fit in the car, cry in the shower or eat the whole damn pint of Ben and Jerry's.

On the whole telling someone thay're having a pity party-- it depends.... If I ask you to do something for me and you say "no, I'm a single mom, my mom's sick AND I'm in the middle of X, Y and Z" that's cool. If you go on and on and on about it ALL DAY EVERY DAY at work maybe you need to call the EAP people and speak to someone who's better equipped to help you cope than me.....

It could be that someone who's always complaining needs to learn better conversation skills. I'm sure I come off that way when talking to people, because I just don't have anything interesting going on in my life. Whatever problem I'm focused on at the time will come out of my mouth even if I planned to try to be more positive. Yikes! J.B., I definitely see myself in your description of your aunt.
There's a difference between a pity party and something else like PMS or depression. If I talk about my son's struggles at school, even though I'm not blaming anyone for it, that's probably a pity party. If my husband comes home from work and I'm I'm crying because it's dark outside, my son is sick, I have a headache, and my mom didn't answer the phone- that's PMS.

I have but get over them pretty quick. I remind myself that there are people out there with worse problems than me.

To me a pity party is when you feel sorry for yourself OR you want something you don't have and keep whining about it or you want something that someone else has and whine about it. Its when you think something isn't fair.

I think it depends on the situation. Once in a while it is fine, but after a while it gets annoying. I have a friend who has been having a major pity party for herself on facebook for the past 3 weeks and it is getting beyond annoying. Eventually you do have to pick yourself up, deal with it, and move on.

It's not rude. It's a wake up call. If someone is just complaining about their situation and doing NOTHING to change it, to me? that is a pity party.

A pity party can be many things. And I like many of the answers below.

I have told friends to their face that they are on a pity party - time to get off and do something. There is a time for complaining, feeling sorry for oneself but then there is a time to stop complaining about it and start DOING.

Sometimes people need to share whats going on in their lives. Sometimes they are looking for someone to feel sorry for them, sometimes they just want to share their experinces. For example, My family is struggling with our finances due to job loss. I dont expect anyone to feel sorry for me. I wrote a post to share my story of needing govermemnt help and was torn to shreds by O. mom who told me I needed to throw myself a pity party