Pet Grandchildren

my rules with my family, as long as i or dad are there, the kids will ultimately follow my rules as long as i enforce THEIR home rules. when i'm not there grandparents have at it and spoil spoil spoil that's what they are for. if they don't abide by my rules when i'm there and let me be the ultimate decision maker, i dont' come around...my side really doesnt' have a problem with that, inlaws.............another ball game, so we dont' go visit ne more than 30 min or so

My husband's parents loved indulging our children! I thought that would be a bad thing, but since we got together only once it a while, it was a good thing. Some of the rules would end up being suspended, and my children would love everything their grandparents did for them - and I would say, "Enjoy it, kids... when Grandpa and Grandma leave, things will go back to normal!"

(Of course, rules like honesty and respect were never suspended!)

Since I'm a grandma now, I really enjoy spoiling my grandchildren and handing them back to their mama and daddy! But I do try to find out what their house rules are. This is because my trio of lovely granddaughter siblings try to get away with a few things. I didn't know that chewing gum was off limits until I'd let them have it a few times. Then they looked like the proverbial cats that swallowed the canaries - they'd pulled one on Gran! But their parents know I'm not trying to change their rules.

Eating may be different at our house. So may bedtime and television (actually, I'm probably stricter about TV watching).

But the children know their parents love them, and have not become disobedient at home just because they're with Gran and Papa some of the time.

you are the primary influence on your children, not their grandparents. most good grandparents dote a bit, and it's good for grandkids to experience some totally wide-open adoration.
if your kids are with their grandparents so often that the spoiling is having a true (not just momentary) deleterious effect, then discuss it with them. i'm sure you can reach a mutually acceptable balance between them enjoying and indulging the kids and remaining within your prescribed boundaries as their mom. for example, if the kids tend to be very rambunctious when they come home from the grandparents, work it out so that their last hour or half hour with them is always spent in a quiet activity, reading together or sitting at the kitchen table playing 'i remember when.' if it's that they are forgetting to say please or thank you, discuss with their grandparents the need to insist on courtesy, both displayed and reciprocated.
your kids won't become 'willful children' unless the leniency permitted with their indulgent grandparents is mirrored at home.
khairete
S.

How often do the children see their grandparents? If you're talking about an occasional visit, going over one Sunday a month, it should not be a problem. If the grandparents see them frequently, provide daycare or live with you, then you do need to put your foot down. An occasional cookie before dinner, or candy if you don't normally allow it, is not terrible. Giving in to tantrums or letting the kids be disrespecful is another story. If the kids are behaving badly with you after visiting with the grandparents, then you'll need to let the grandparents know it's a problem, and put your foot down rather than making suggestions - you may need to take over the discipline when the kids act out, or at that time, decide it is time to go home if the grandparents live relatively closeby
Good luck

Dianna, I wanted to give you my 2 cents worth of advice without having read what others have written. Since you don't have alot of information about if they are being watched over by your parents and ofcourse you paying them, or this is just because of visits I am basing my answer on my own experiances. I am the Grandmother of several children, not all by birth as they are the children of Foster children we were blessed to have raised and are still part of our lives. They range from newborn to 15 so I speak from some experiance.
So many children go without grandparents love and interest that it is great to hear of grandparents that do want to have this relationship. Grandchildren are a magical gift and so much fun that it is hard for grandparents to not want to do things to make them happy. I have learned to have special treats, and even items I know that they will enjoy and give them joy when they come to visit. I have items that are for them that stay here at my home and ofcourse many that go home with them. Nothing has to cost much ( thank goodness for the dollar tree color books) but its a pleasure to have it to do. It gives me great joy to see thier faces light up with a simple puzzel or book.
*I have a firm belief that this will not make them selfish or demading because of the standards and ground rules we have established . They know not to just expect or demand things because a gift must be freely given to be enjoyed and not expected. When someone makes a "demand or selfish" of what do you have for me then they know that it wll be nothing. But if the question is asked of me "what do you have for me today-- gets a better response as it might be a special story a whispered message of how loved they are, or a gift. I happen to have 2 of each of the ages that you have and they are so happy with the simpliest of items or treats like a apple or yogart or a ball that they know to expect. My own children as adults and the foster children that lived with us still talk about the experiance of going to their Great Grandparents and Grandparents home and going to the cookie jar for treats, or the bread box for homemade rolls or the refrigerator for pudding that Grandma seemed to always have there-- even as adults they say it was almost magical to have this treat always there no matter when they came... helped that we were only 6 blocks from thier home.
I guess my point is that love does not have to be expensive or bought just freely given and that children learn the differance from thier own parents when it goes over thetop and that they do not have to be bought everthing to have love. I treasure each child and it gives me pleasre to do things for them. I can say that as a Nana, I adore it when the children get old enough(about3) to start calling me just to say hello and check on me, and tell me that I am loved. I am sure your parents feel the same way. So please just be patient and make sure that you teach them the values that are so important to you and that this is a treat not a expectation.
~~ just a side note as I have just returned from taking a son to the airport and we discussed this question. He tells me that his 2 children are the blessings I get for having raised and survived my own children and that as long as I'm not to over the top and have balance with what I do they have learned to go with the flow of it. BUT AGAIN we have managed to have important values that have been pased down from several generations and are not just taught but lived and that helps alot. Good Luck

it's hard to say from your post, you don't give many details. unless the grandparents are living with you, give them a break - they're the grandparents, they're supposed to spoil the grandbabies. you are the one raising these kids. when in your house they follow your rules. if they let loose a bit at grandma and grandpa's, i feel that's okay. (if the grandparents live with you, then yes, they need to be on board with house rules and helping you raise these kids, not just give into their every whim)

Let your parents spoil them. You just be the sensible Mom who does not spoil them. It'll all balance out.

Dear Dianna,

You are so fortunate to have grandparents for your kids that love them enough to dote on them! There are some families where the gp's really don't care to be involved, much less babysit & spend much time watching them....I agree with the many posts that say, what happens at grandma's house, is special, and won't be mirrored at home.

My son spends 1-2 days a week at his grandparents' house, as they provide (free) childcare while I work. Between myself, my husband, and the gps, we have managed to care for him without daycare...very lucky indeed. I have had many discussions with my MIL about how much she likes to "spoil" my son, and we really find that the child is only "spoiled" or willful if you allow bad behavior at home. He is 5 years old & has known from a very early age that he can do certain things at gm's house that won't fly at home. She abides by my general rules/requests, but when I leave my son at her house, she is in charge. After all, she raised one kid, good enough for me to marry...even tho I don't always agree with her methods, gifts, foods...she always makes sure he uses his manners, and has a voice as well.
I read one post that talked about the parents needing to be the distributor of gifts from you...and I caution you, I TOTALLY disagree with that. That is so hurtful to the gift giver, to take away their joy of seeing the kids' faces when you give them a gift (birthday, Christmas, whatever), AND associating the gift giver with that present. My brother & sister in law do that. They don't let my niece open my presents to her, in front of me. They don't let me hold her. (she is turning 3 in Feb) They don't do holidays with us. They basically have set it up so that she doesn't want anything to do with me. It is very sad, for me, anyways. But how I feel with the gifts, is that they are so controlling, that they want all gifts to appear to come from Mom & Dad. It is awful, & please don't do that to your kids' gps, as they will be so hurt. Part of our joy as adults is seeing kids' faces brighten up when we bring them something unexpected!
If your kids have good hearts, as I'm sure they do, they will know that different places have different "rules" & behave properly at home, and at gp's houses.

Good luck!

it's your job to monitor what your kids get to play with and when, not theirs. ask them to give gifts to you first for approval, then for distribution. you put them up in a closet and bring them out at birthdays and holidays. as for behavior, tell them that when they get everything they want at grandparents' house, they begin to expect it at home, and that's unacceptable. tell them your own discipline policy and ask them to follow it if they want time alone with the kids. on the other hand, the kids might be able to understand that what happens at grandparents' house is not how things are at home, that it's a special place with special rules that do not carry over to home time - if they are that sophisticated that they understand that (and if you are comfortable with it) then let them be. but keep your home rules clear and strong so you don't have to clean up the mess left over from the grandparents.
good luck mama!

Speaking from the viewpoint of a grandma who tends to be 'doting'... you have to simply set some rules with the grandparents. Suggestions don't seem to work with us. They may be offended when you first set up the rules, but they also should come around to appreciating your position in time. Decide what you are comfortable with them doing for your children first, then be sure your husband is behind you in what you say to the grandparents.
Some suggestions: Ask them to listen to your children's desires during the year and only give one gift for a birthday or other special occasion. You may need to define a special occasion for them when you do this too. If you are only wanting them to do birthday and Christmas, say so. If perhaps you'd accept Valentine's day, Easter, or any other holiday as a special occasion, add those. Also ask them to check with you prior to making their purchase, in case you have chosen to give the same gift they've chosen.
Suggest that they may want to set up a savings account and add money to it for the children's college fund.. or you may want to set up the account and suggest they add to it from time to time. Perhaps when they make that their gift, they could give the child a card with a dollar in it and a statement about how much they've added to the account. That way both the grandparents and the child will have the satisfaction of the physical gift.
Another thing our kids have done is to allow certain items we want to give their children, as long as it stays at Poppa and Grammie's house for them to play with when they visit us.
Put on your 'thinking cap' and I'm sure you can come up with more ideas that would work for you.
I know it's not easy to think about setting boundaries with your parents or your in-laws. They may not be willing to accept your boundaries at first either. But, I think as long as you present your boundaries in a reasonable manner and you and your husband stick together the grandparents will come around to see it your way, or if they don't, at least cooperate.

Have your children help their grandparents with household duties even if they don't need the help. It will teach them to respect their grandparents as elders and will help them understand that they need to listen to what they say. It will also help to teach them to be mindful of others and that they can not also do whatever they want whenever they feel like doing it.