People Who Have Experienced These Issues

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E.

hilyndsy, first of all yu say yu are christain, well i believe yu should speak up , dont cuss or be mean but say what yu want and abide by it. yu come first in this dealand id tell hubby that he should treat yu with respect and he needs to speak up to ex and put his foot down.i wouldnt talk to ex wife unless absolutely necessary. yur hubby and yu have rights same as she does and id tell her boyfriend to keep his nose out , none of his business. tell hubby that thats his place to stop this stuff and be serious,just because yur trying to live right doesnt mean yu let people walk all over yu. i wish yu luck,im 74 had 10 children seen a lot, so stand up for yur self. M.

This may sound gruff but dig up your back bone. You need to make sure that your husband knows how you feel and that you're not willing to take it anymore. When he starts in on you after a spat with her, pick up the phone and offer to dial her number for him. My husband use to be really bad about coming home from work all irritated and thinking he could take it out on us. I told him to go back to work until he got his issues cleared up. Sometimes you just have to be stern. It isn't unchristian, it's self preservation! If this is such a huge concern to him, perhaps you both need to speak to your pastor. Tell him or her what is going on and ask for guidance. I'm sorry that you're going through this. Make sure you say something cause you'll grow bitter if you don't and then you'll want to give up all together.

Do you have custody arrangements in writing from the court? If so, she can't keep the kids away from you. You have every right to call the police and they will issue her a contempt of court citation (or something like that). If you don't want to go to that extreme, then your husband HAS to learn to stand up to the ex. As far as thinking he treats the ex better than you, is it just because he doesn't yell at her? You are probably the person closest to him. We tend to take out our anger and frustration on the ones we are closest to. Try to speak with him before the situation rears it's ugly head again. It's often difficult to listen or speak clearly when we're angry. Address the situation when he is calm. Explain how you feel with out accusation or anger. Hopefully this will lead to a resolution you all can live with.

L.,
I have a TON of experience in the same situation. You need to step back and allow Dad to handle his own battles. If you do not do this, I can tell you that it will never get better and the only thing that will happen is that you and your husband will only create tension and problems between the two of you. The ex (and the Children) see that this is a problem and will only continue to escalate them to achieve one thing, getting in between the two of you! Once you stop addressing the issues for your husband and concentrate on you and your children things will eventually subside. I would be the one to do all the communicating and when things went wrong it was always blamed on me so I stepped back and let my husband handle things and if his daughter didn't come for visitation then she didn't come and we proceeded with our plans as a family, without her. I know it seems hard and it is when someone you love is being wronged but trust me for your sanity, marriage and the sake of your family you need to do this. When she emails, let him email her back; when she calls, don't answer the phone, let her leave a message and let him decide if he will call her back or not, etc. You will notice a difference, not right away but in time. If his ex is anything like my husbands then it will be a long tough haul but hang in there and stand your ground and it will get better!! You are still a parent/role model when the children are in your home so do what you normally would do when they are there but don't let it affect your every day normal lives.
Good Luck!
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Basically this is between your husband and his ex wife. You being in the middle is complicating it as much as her boyfriend is. You don't have to listen to your husband...if he starts in, tell him that he needs to work it out with her and that you don't want any part of it.

Unfortunately, you knew what you were getting into when you married him, so now it's a matter of dealing with it. I'm sorry you have to go through it, but that is part of the frustration of blended families. You can't really make him change or confront her, but you don't have to listen or be party to it.

Prayers are with you!

Let me start out by saying you have to learn to get along with the ex for the children's sake. In the long run only the children are the ones to het hurt due to the parents fighting. You as the step-mom must learn to get along with the mom because a child is going to listen to their mom and she can make your life horrid!!! I have been a step-mom for over 10 years. Stepson was 4 when we got together. My husband too is not one for confrontation with the ex. It took me a few years to see why he is like this. There were times (and I still have them)that I want him to confront her, but there again, only the child suffers here. If the child is in the background and hears her on the phone, if she decides to bad mouth you and your husband when the child is within hearing, if she decides to not let your husband see the child....Who ends up suffering..the child!!!!!! There is enough screwed up people in this world, don't let the ones you love become that way just because you don't like the ex-wife.

i'm an ex-wife myself...my ex husband is like his ex-wife...I have custody of the children don't get me wrong but he uses them against me...My only advice is have him take her to court...It will annoy her enough or the judge enough to get something done about it....my ex drags me in and out of court for stuff I have done which is even more annoying...He's allowed to see the kids supervised and drug me into court because he couldn't pay for it...so I know how you feel...

He treats her better than you because she is demanding and controlling. He's trying to smooth the waters. You need to demand respect from him. When he gets angry about the situation, tell him you don't want to talk about it with him any longer until he deals with it. Only do this if you think he would be receptive to it and not get angry with you. This concerns him and how he is responding to her pushing his emotional buttons. It then trickles down to affect you and the whole family. You could offer to help him confront his ex alone and when dealing with her in person or on the phone by talking out situations with your husband. For example, the next time he is angry about something that happens, you could say, "Well, next time maybe you could do this ...." Offer positive suggestions. If you are both together when confronting his ex, you have to show a united "front" You both must agree on something before you go into the situation. Talk it over about what you both want to do beforehand. Talking to her yourself would do nothing because she wants to cause problems because I'm sure she's still angry at him. You both need to deal with her more firmly united way. If something doesn't suit him he needs to tell her, "hey that is not something that would work for me/us." Good luck!

Hi L.:
Seems like you are having a very full plate. But,you need to talk to your husband and calmly let him know how you are feeling and try to see if may be you can go together to some kind of counseling to help you to deal with this kind of situation, because in the middle of everything are the kids.If your husband has that passive attitud to the situation, then you can inform yourself about your husband's rights with his kids and get counseling on what he can legally can do to put her in her place.Remember that this can ruin your relationship with your husband, and then you'll loose your marriage too. If they're mom is the one who bring the problems to your home , you have the right to let her know that she cann't come to break the peace at your house and every time her kids are in your house try to do fun things with them, try to show them how good things are when you are all together like a big family.No matter how little the kids are they know what's going on,sometimes adults underestimate the capacity of children to understand things.And at the end they will back you up if she continue creating situations. I know that is hard to handle but with patience, and love you will see good results for you.

L.,
I am there too! My step-daughter is turning 12 next week and I have been in her life for over 11 years now. It is absolutely dreadful and unfortunately it doesn't get any better. As a matter of fact, we were supposed to celebrate her birthday this weekend, but her mom decided to once again change the visitation rules so needless to say, no birthday! I do understand though where your husband is coming from. My husband has been the same way, never wanting confrontation. And honestly, it doesn't get you anywhere anyhow. The fact that he treats her nicely is beyond me, but I would address that separately. Do the best you can to try and stay out of his relationship with the ex, and it will prove to be easier on you. Hope this helps, but I can't wait....6 more years and she will be 18, woohoo!!!!

L. - mom to Ethan 3 and Danica 7 months and step-mom to Celena - 12 next week. Married to Mike for almost 9 years and he is the best stay at home daddy!

Oh my goodness girl---sounds like there is some jealousy between you and his X-wife---back off stop nagging him. Let him take care of the problem.
As long as the X can push your buttons she will---love the kids and go on with your life.
You can't control people---just let it go.

I have been married to my husband for almost 10 years and he has an 11 year old, so I know what your going through. I used to have my nose in every decision about my stepson, but when we had our own children I had a very hard time with things. My stepson has some emotional/psychological issues and is a mama's boy. Everything I say, his mother always comes into the rescue. Just a year ago, I completely separated myself from things. I try to stay out of the decision making and leave it to my husband, whom is somewhat like yours. We took a class at church last spring that really helped me-not that I don't have a lot of issues still though. It is a very hard situation, but don't let it come between you and your husband. He probably doesn't know how to handle things, but if you step back he may take up some responsibility. He may think that if he lets you handle it, it will just go away. This did not happen for me. I made things worse. Pray for him and be HIS wife and your step-children's friend but stay by your husband's side. I wish you the best. I think I'm giving myself some advice too. GOOD LUCK!

I don't have much advice but i would love to talk or listen or whatever, I've been there, I am there, 3 kids of my own he thought he had two but really only has one, shared parenting, and we are trying to have another of our own, the kids are 8, 7, 6, 5,and 5, and boy is it hard. I to stay at home which means i'm with his dd more than anyone else and he just doens't care that her mom makes our lives terrible and tells his dd to hate me and not listen to me ect, and this poor girl calls me mom so it's really rough for her, and he won't do a thing about it, i've decided to step back and just not deal with it at all, which isn't working very well, but the fighting had to stop. so anyways if you want to talk send a message, and if you figure out a solution to this let me know, but you are not alone in this. to those that think mothering is hard, they should try being step mom, all the work and far fewer rewards. good luck and god bless.

Lindsey, I totally feel for you. I suggest you have your husband reread Ephesians 5:25. You've done your part in loving and supporting him even though you disagree. He is right in being gentle when dealing with his ex.(Matt5:24) She's the one provoking all this strife in your household because you allow it. There needs to be clear boundaries on your household and hers. Whatever rules and going on's in her house,stay in her house and vice versa for yours. He does not have the right to treat you badly because he can not communicate with his ex. Simply, legally all he has to do is present his visitation papers to local law officials and pick up the children with their aide if he wanted to be nasty. I suggest though he communicates with his children that it's not his choice that he isn't seeing them. Otherwise they might feel unwanted by him and and embrace this toxic boyfriend as their role model.
I think your husband has totally ran away with James 1:26 when dealing with his ex and needs to reread the whole chapter. I love my husband thouroughly enough not to let him hide behind scripture and hold him accountable for when he isn't spiritually leading by example by pulling scripture to affirm my point. I made the hard decision that I only voice my concerns for my stepchildren when asked or it effected the whole blended family. Otherwise I lay all parental responsibility on my husband and his ex. I'm not saying I have nothing to do with them. I care for them as equally loving as I do my own when they are in my care but I don't converse with his ex as often as I once did because 1) We don't see eye to eye parenting. 2) conversations were manipulted and taking back to my husband causing strife in our marriage 3) besides the children and having been/being married to the same man were the only thing we had in common.
Having been a single mom for so long I'm sure your heart is totally for whats best for the children and you have insight on the differences of what their lives were like before and after this union. Grace,peace,and paitence be with you in this hectic adventure of Mommy/Step-mommy hood. Its' really all we can do. Feel free to message me.I've been with my husband since all our children were in grade school and 9 years later they are all now in high school ( save the youngest), oldest just joined the workforce, and oldest 2 about to join league of teenage drivers. My prayers that the Enemy doesn't invade your household and that this is resolved quickly are with you.