We're all very familiar with Maternal postpardum depression. It's readily recognized, acknowledged, discussed. Almost every baby/parenting magazine/website has tons of articles about it. But there's very limited information/discussion about Dads with postpardum depression.
I'm wondering if any other mommies out there have had partners who suffered from postpardum depression? With my first child my fiance was understandably anxious and stressed during my (unplanned) pregnancy. When the baby came, he was terrific with him in the hospital, changed every diaper, cuddled, swaddled, goo goo ga ga'd. As soon as we brought him home though, my partner shut down. Wouldn't look at me, or baby. Slept in the other room all day and night (minus a few working hours in the morning outside of the house). After a couple weeks, he finally came back to sleep in our bedroom where we had our baby rooming in. He would snap at me in the middle of the night for not keeping the newborn quiet. At one point he even said to me, "why don't you just give him up for adoption if You can't handle it!". But I could handle it... and I did. But he seemingly couldn't. We survived but those first few months were extremely difficult. The same scenario playing out again and again.
Flash forward... our son is 18mos and my partner is a terrific father with a great bond to our son. It seems as the baby has gotten bigger Daddy has gotten better. Now i'm pregnant again and dreading a repeat performance from daddy. Needless to say his behavior put a tremendous strain on our relationship and hurt me tremendously.
Has anyone had a partner with a similar response? How did you/would you cope with this? I'm pushing for counseling (and have been for a long time). He's soemtimes willing but most of the time refuses to acknowledge he's had a problem. Any suggestions? Anyone have a hubby or sig\nificant other with post pardum? How did you deal?? Please help!
hi J., yes this IS a real problem. i personally dont know any men that have been through that,(or will admit to it,) but i have heard on my local news lately, that it does happen. (wife, and mom to one three year old son.)
I disagree with Kristi, he doesn't sound like he doesn't want to be a dad--Your son is 18 mos and he's a good dad with a good bond with his son. He sounds like maybe he had a really rough time with the newborn/infant stage.
I can relate. I need my sleep, I worship my sleep, I cannot function without my sleep. My hubby is the same way. Needless to say, we weren't exactly blissfully happy parents of a newborn! :-)
I remember it as being O. of the most glum, sleep-deprived, Groundhog Day type of existences for several months. I wanted to bludgeon my husband almost daily, and he me.
The reality is that lots of men are not good with teeny, tiny new babies. They can't deal with the crying, the fussing, their wives' attention focused on something other than them, etc.
So it might not be paternal postpartum depression, but a tough time transitioning.
I would suggest a few things:
First, try to talk to him ahead of time. Now that he's a "dad" he might have more patience.
Second, have a game plan. Plan how to deal with the uncertainty that a new baby brings to the house.
Third, get some help. Can you afford a doula or nanny for even a month or two? A night nurse? Even grandparents could give you some much needed help and rest.
Good luck to you and congrats on your soon-to-be little O.!
I've known a few families in which the father was simply overwhelmed by the responsibility of providing for wife/partner as well as a demanding, expensive, and delicate new person. This can happen even with planned babies. In a few cases the dads became more confident and engaged as the child grew older. In a couple of cases the man bailed after struggling for awhile.
One of the common features of post-partum blues is the sufferer doesn't think it's acceptable to be so flawed, and won't seek help for it. And the partner/spouse often has trouble accepting the simple fact of it, too. Counseling is a reasonable thing to try, for both of your sakes.
Many Men... have a hard time dealing with ALL the "changes" a baby brings... and the changes in their Wife and the differing roles she has.
AND, for some men, a 'baby' simply is not fun, nor can they relate to 'it' and it is not able to play and interact yet. Thus, they view the baby as just a pain. Not in a personal way... but because they cannot 'transition' to how a baby is, nor understand the baby.
We have a friend like that. Actually 2 Men/Husbands. They actually said their newborn was not fun and all 'it' did was cry etc., and is so demanding. AND that their wives just was so busy now and they got no attention.
So well, each man is different. Some do not have automatic 'nurturing' ability toward a newborn right away. They may do things perfunctory like change diapers... but they can't 'relate' to it yet.
And yes, life is NOT the same... once you have a baby. It changes, inherently. So some men simply get frustrated... and cannot cope, nor know how to cope.
It would help, if he had other Male friends that are "Dads" too... so they can commiserate. Men need that too. To cope.
talk with your Husband... but not in a blaming or criticizing way.
As you see, once your baby got older, 18 months old, your Husband has gotten better. Because at that age, a baby has a 'personality' and can do things.
Next, having a baby can put a strain on some marriages and between the couple. Because a Man does not understand, intrinsically, how MUCH the "Wife" needs to do, and for the baby. A Husband gets pushed aside... and is no longer a 'priority.' So you have to make sure to spend time on him too.... and have time together. Or, your relationship can suffer.
BUT.. he has to LEARN.. .that HE IS A DAD TOO... and it entails responsibilities to help with baby too... and HE has to help with the baby when it cries too. Not just telling you to make it quiet and snap at you. IT IS HIS JOB TOO. He is a "Dad" now.
Some Men, do not 'transition' to that "role" easily... nor understand it.
And point blank... a baby cries. At all hours. He can't expect a baby to be quiet. This is reality. He has to get on board.
Maybe, get him some books on Dads... and parenting.
BUT... you BOTH have to talk about it.... before your next baby comes. Or he will have the same trouble... and it will affect you too... and your whole family.
I just think, that he has rigid ideas on what a baby should be, and it is not based on reality. He cannot make a baby just be what he wants. It is a baby. You/He has to care for it... and share the responsibility.
He is a MAN and a HUSBAND and a DAD.... now.
He has to attain comprehension that these are his roles. It is an everyday thing... not just when he wants per his moods. He cannot be capricious... when having a baby and family. It will cause problems.
All the best,
Susan
I think dad is overlooked in the entire process - getting pregnant, being pregnant, delivery, bringing baby home, caring for baby, etc.
They too deal with months and months of changes and have a right to feel slighted or upset when everyone hoovers around mom and baby and never really asks him how he is dealing with everything.
I know my hubby had/has a hard time becasue he thinks that all I care about is the kids. Which is absolutely not true, but I can see how he feels that way. We have 2 boys under 2, so they really do require sooooooo much of my attention.
In my personal experience up until the baby is about 12 months dad really isn't to "in to" it. Once baby starts walking and can really play with dad, then they are all about it! I think it just takes longer for dad, they are not as nurturing, they want to play!
Please don't get insulted by my comments, I'm not trying to stereotype all men. These are just my experiences I've seen with my hubby and with my guy friends who have kids.
It doesn't sound like depression....It sounds like he doesn't want to be a dad. This is a difficult situation. Some people just aren't meant to be parents, and your fiance may be one of these people. If he won't go to counseling, there's probably not a lot you can do. My ex-husband was very detached when I had my son. He wasn't even there with me in the hospital when I had him. He said he had to take care of his "priorities".
When I brought the baby home, it was even worse. I felt like a single mom, and practically was! My son is now 9 years old, and his bio father still doesn't have a lot to do with him. I don't say this to discourage you, but you may have to reconsider your decision to stay with this man. Obviously, I am divorced from this guy. I've remarried, and had a couple kids with my hubby, and he is a wonderful father. I am sorry for you and your babies. I know how your heart must break for them! Keep your chin up. : )
K.
It sounds more like he had a difficult time transitioning to being a father. As the previous person mentioned men have an easier time relating to older children and do not generally do well with newborn stage. Add to that lack of sleep, lack of sex and not being the center of the attention anymore adds up to one grumpy man. Plus it probably took him awhile to adjust to the whole thing since it was unplanned and he felt he did not even ask for any of this in the first place.
Is this pregnancy planned? If so that should help. Also you are better prepared to deal with a newborn and better manage. I suggest you look carefully at how you may have changed before and after baby and see if you can avoid those things this time. (within reason) Ex. Did you stop cooking? Stop watching his favorite show with him? Keep him from going out to favorite place? I'm just throwing ideas out but you get the idea. The less a baby disrupts current situation the less change he has to deal with and won't feel like he's being replaced.
If you want him to open up about it I would suggest you think about it from his perspective and approach him with a list of things you realized you did different before/after baby and how you guys can work together to avoid them this time. Let him know how much his reaction hurt you but you want to work with him to see what you guys BOTH can do differently this time. Just you taking the effort to see his side should soften him up to being more reasonable :)
Compromise, compromise, compromise... example does he work and you don't? I know my husband had to get up at 4am, so if the baby was overly cranky or fussy and was crying at night I would take him out of the room. Also got a small night light so I could see but did not wake him with the light. Respect that he has to get up and you can catch up a nap later in the day and he can't. Also my husband was a bit upset about me breastfeeding since he's a boob man (men so selfish! lol) but we compromised at 6 months and he's making sure I stick to it! lol
Good luck and may you and your family be blessed!
A.
I've actually seen a few articles about paternal postpartum depression recently. It's definitely a real thing. I went through some postpartum issues--but they weren't classic depression, so it took a long time for me to get the help I needed. I had some symptoms of depression, but also anxiety, as well as a general difficulty transitioning to the whole situation. Does your husband acknowledge his behavior? If he does, then consider talking to him about seeing a counselor who specializing in this and/or preventively taking some meds to help him through. If he does not acknowledge his behavior, then I suppose that is a different story altogether. You might even try opening the subject up again with him if it used to be an off limits topic. He may not have fully grasped what his behavior was. You never know, and it's definitely worth a try before you add baby #2 to the mix. We have baby #2 on the way in October, and I also worry about how I'll handle things, but at least this time around I'm fully aware of the signs (for me) and will not delay getting help if it is needed. Good luck and I hope that things will go much better this time! He may be totally different now that he knows that the baby turns into a fun little tyke. :-)
Well I can tell you from experience I went through the same thing with my hubby he didn't want to acknowledge we had a baby and he never wanted to help take care of her. I had to kick his but in gear to get him to do anything but after we had our second child he was better more willing to help when i need him to. I wouldn't go to counselling unless he goes by himself because he may have some issues he doesn't want to tell you about right now but if he goes by himself and talks with the person one on one it may help him feel more at ease. Also both my pregnancies were not planned. I hope this helps. If you need to talk anymore i'm here. Good luck A. C.
I heard that sometimes its because they feel left out. Maybe try giving him more assignments with the baby. Especially ones at night, that way he will sleep with you because he know you need his help. And tell him that he's a great dad, even when he does things different than you. I use to be soo mean to my husband about stupid little things that he did differently then me and then he would get mad and not want to help me with the baby. I'm not saying that that is something that you do, but you never know. Good luck, I really hope its different this time around.
I had to tell my partner that he had to help with night feedings and the like, but it did take some time for him to feel bonded to our boys when they were very little. I would just hope that he will not be the same, and if he is, call him out on it and insist on counseling and respect.
I don't know if I've been through that exactly, but my husband is NOT a baby person. He doesn't (truly can't) cope with bodily fluids, he's not so great when they can't talk. He's a wonderful dad when they get up and talking, though. So, while he would help out (especially caring for my oldest while I breastfed or changed diapers), and he like playing with the babies on those occasions when they were clean and focused and happy, otherwise he'd work a lot of extra hours :-)
Mostly, my second child was so much easier that I didn't mind. Now that the second one is older, we're working on adjusting--getting the oldest mommy time and getting the little one used to daddy time.
I don't know if it was a good solution, but my answer was just to give dad the job of caring for the older child--it worked for us!
