This all started because he said neither of us are great cooks. I think I am a good cook. I make some great meals. He is RARELY with us for dinner. Maybe 1-2 a month do we all sit together for dinner. He has no problem what so ever telling all the things I am not great at. All the things I need to work on. He only says anything positive if I ask for it. Then he tells me I am too needy.
I admit I was not a great house cleaner for the first 5 yrs of our marriage. Now I think I do a better then average. I am much cleaner then my best friend. I love my husband but I think he is just down right mean to me sometimes. I think the only reason to say some things is too make the other person feel bad nothing good is going to come out of it.I am a SAHM which we both decided not me alone. My job with the kids, homework, housework, making meals, dr appt and everything staying home entails keeps me busy. I dont feel respected I dont feel valued. I dont feel I should be allowed to spend anytime on myself when he cant say anything nice comments to me. Right now I feel under valued. I feel sad. I love telling him he is a great provider. I scratch his head because he loves it. He always sleeps late and I make sure I am quiet when I leave our room so he doesn't wake up. I do little nice things for him. His brother treats his wife wonderful but my mil was very negative for many yrs. I deserve to feel good about myself. When I look at myself thru my husband eyes I see eyes.
Only you can make yourself feel good about you. Dont depend on anyone else to do that for you. Sounds like you are a great wife and mother. You dont need him to tell you that, it would be nice, but oh well, sometimes they just dont know how to say something good. He will when he grows up tho, so hang in there.
Because men are sometimes not clued in, it could that that he is telling you when you don't do something well that he thinks he is somehow helping you. And instead, you are taking it as criticism.
Have you tried to sitting down with him, and saying, "These are the things that I try to do for you to show you I love you and I care. (list x,y,z). I need to know that you appreciate and value what I do as a SAHM--which we both decided was the best thing for our family---because being a SAHM is hard work (list a,b,c things that are hard/difficult/etc.). I would really appreciate it if you would make the effort to show that you appreciate what I'm doing for our family, just as I do x/y/z to show you that I appreciate how hard you work for our family."
Then, let it go (don't nag). You can try using behavior techniques to "train him" (but don't tell him you are!)--if he's criticizing, instead of helping, just completely ignore it. Or redirect him: give him part of the job to do (ie, I don't like what you cook, well, then, here are the ingredients for tonight, and you can pick out what we have for dinner & chop the veggies.) Whenever he does something you want him to do (like pick up his socks, or thank you for doing something), be very vocal in letting him know you appreciate that. Reward the smallest behavior and ignore or redirect the undesired behavior.
The other thing you might both do is read The Five Languages of Love (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/). Different people need love expressed differently, and it could be that he is showing you love in a way that doesn't have as much meaning for you.
Whatever happens, make some "me" time for yourself to go out & do fun stuff with other people (social activities-join a hiking group, whatever). That may help your perspective.
All of your posts come back to the same issue. You look to your husband for validation and your self worth and he isn't giving it to you. You really need to love and accept yourself and not look for someone else to provide it. You really ought to love yourself enough to get counseling and work on this and your self esteem.
I am sure he is the same man you married all of those years ago. Why do you need his validation so much more today than back then?
I can tell from all of your posts that you are hurting so please take the time to talk to someone about your feelings. You might not be able to change him but you can certainly change the way you view the world.
I wish you all the best.
I have the same issue at my house-all the good that I have done for our son-sleep training-I sent him out of the house for a week so that he didnt have to hear the crying and I could do it alone, breastfeeding-up every 2 hours alone, slept in babys room so he wouldnt wake up the house, potty training...you name it, I have dont it-and NOT ONCE have I heard a thank you or a "you did a great job". It sucks, but I have kinda gotten used to it..sad to say, but its not worth the argument or anything to make things worse. I wish I had the magic answer to "make him grow up and be a man" as I think about it, but I have my wonderful son, and my hubby does take good care of us, but a little encouragement and a pat on the back would be nice every once in a while, wouldnt it! And we both work full time though. I know exactly how you feel.
You cant depend on him to make you feel worthy, find things to do that make you happy and find time to do it! not easy I know but the happier you are the better mom you will be!
