Parents with Children with Disabilities

Honestly, for the most part it is not meant to be offensive, the question just sounds wrong all together ... simply say he has hearing issues end of story. I always give people the short answer, they just want to know and if it's no ones business then then say "I do not know what you mean" and walk away.

I have a deaf son and I get asked tons of questions. Most of the time it is just because people are curious and don't understand. The first deaf person I met was my son. Over time I think Momma's develop thicker skin and I am sure she will. I felt as though I had to have a sign on him so no one would approach me. I realize now it was more of my insecurities and lack of education on the subject when I would get offended or upset. What did I do, I just educated myself and realized that was what most of the people asking the questions were trying to do too. The difference was that I lived with a deaf/ hard of hearing person. He is in my life every day, they don't. Sometimes people should keep their lips together but, they don't always. Try to be supportive to your friend, I think that when your a hearing person with a child that is deaf or hard of hearing it is almost like your going through similar emotions as to a loss in the family. You realize that even though there are different struggles that your child goes through that they will be stronger and they are just as brilliant as any other! They really teach you what life is about if you let them :)
If you havent already look up the poem Welcome to Holland. It is very touching and I think it may give her a little justification to her feelings. You seem like a great friend! It is strange your both in the same situation and great that you get to be supportive for one another. Take care

Hi D., personally I am very interested in children who are unique, especially obviously unique. I find kids with special needs fascinating.

Course I would never say, WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOUR KID. But I have spent a lot of time with special needs kids, so I am a little more sensitive.

I think people want to show an interest, start a conversation, bond with the mom, maybe share their own stories, you know? They just are not choosing the best words.

I'd probably say, your son is gorgeous, how old is he? It would start a conversation, which may or not lead to mom offering info about her child's special needs.

Really, I hope your friend does not let herself get too upset about this. Most people are genuinely interested, but a lot of them have trouble finding the right words.

:)

Part of the problem, obviously is the person not asking questions is a more subtle or delicate way. But she may be taking a question that is more curiousity. From personal experience on the non-mom side, when I see a little kiddo who is different, I 1) notice it, 2) wonder what's going on with the little one and hope they're doing ok, 3) go about my business. At the park, I'll probably end up talking to the mom cause I'm social, and I'll learn through conversation. I want to know cause I'm curious and I want to understand, I don't want to put my foot in my mouth, etc. Asking is better than staring, I would think. And the obnoxious stupid people would come off differently than the curious but clumsy asking people.

Hope she feels better about it.

I too can not understand how a perfect stranger can walk up to you and say the statement, "What is wrong with him/her" My son had a naso gastric (NG) tube for 10 months which is a feeding tube which is inserted in his nose and travels down to his tummy. I got SO tired of rude strangers coming up and asking me what was wrong with my child. I knew of another mother who had a child in a wheelchair. These people do not realize the CHILD is hearing them say that statement that something is "wrong with them". This mother would state, "There is nothing wrong with him, he has celebral palsy."

I can't even describe how I felt when my son got that NG tube out (switched to more permanent tube--- G button) and I knew strangers would not approach me at the store. It was very hard b/c not only was I dealing with all of the extra "attention" but I was also going through the mourning period that many parents of special needs children go through.

I agree with many other posters that people who do this are ignorant about how their behavior affects others. I wish that I could give some advice on how to deal with it. I got to the point where I would simply state that it was a personal situation and walk away. It's funny how it gets to you though b/c even as I type this some of those emotions come back to me about how that felt.

Good luck to you and your friend... I remember a comic strip or something where there are mothers who God is choosing saints for. He says that mom gets St. Peter, etc. God gets to the mother of the special needs child and says that a mirror will suffice. :-)

My step daughter is disabled but you can't tell by looking at her, only when she starts to talk. Then people kind of freak out and stare at her. I have just straight out said "whats wrong, do you have a question? She has brain damage and is retarded". I would rather just call them out on it then have them stare and gawk at her the whole time. Your friend sounds like she is "new" to having to deal with this...it gets easier as time goes by. I would rather have people ask me what's wrong with her than just stare. I would tell your friend to just answer their question and don't worry about it. Good luck.

Wow I would be completely offended if someone asked "what is wrong with your son", that is just rude!

I would respond "nothing is wrong with him, he has a hearing impairment". I think your friend should not be afraid to address those questions directly and put those people in there place!

I had a parent say, "What is wrong with that boy?" to a teacher right in front of my son when he was only three. At that point, he hadn't been diagnosed with ADHD and a host of co-morbid conditions. It broke my heart. I wish I had been there to give our son a big hug.

I think the best answer is short and sweet. "He has a disability but he's a wonderful kid and doing great. Why do you ask?"

I have a deaf son. When people ask me what is wrong with him " I proudly say he is deaf".and usually introduce my son to them and make them feel comfortable. it's not easy at first but you eventually get use to it. You'll see you you get to meet a lot of people who are just curious. There is a great deal of deaf people in our community. We attend a church that has a deaf ministry where deaf and their parents come together. It be a great idea to meet some of us and maybe in a small way we can help your friend.

I'm not sure I agree with the other posters. I do find it offensive when perfect strangers approach to ask personal questions. If your friend knows the people asking and the questions are still worded offensively, then the appropriate response would include a correction of their wording of the question and then whatever answer your friend feels acceptable. Such as, "There is nothing wrong with my child. Are you asking about his signing? If so, my son is undergoing tests for a hearing impairment." If the people are complete strangers, then a curt, "I find your question offensive," or perhaps, "I'm not sure what you're referring to..." might do the trick.

my son was diagnosed with a degenerative hip disease at age 6. One day, he was bouncing along on his forearm crutches (not just your basic wooden ones) while we were car shopping. The salesman asked my son, "so, what did you do to yourself?"

My son has always had a mouth & replied, "nothing. It's Perthes Disease - a degenerative hip disease. I don't want it". (he was about 7-8)

The salesman was horrified & apologized again & again. I was torn between the blunt/brutal honesty of my son's response vs. his ability to put that rude man in his place. Even today (almost 20 years later), I still feel the slam of his response!

Being the parent of a special needs child is challenging....made even more so by rude adults. Kids I totally understand need help comprehending special needs...but adults should govern themselves more. It's one thing to show empathy....& completely something else to be rude & offensive in your approach. Many adults just don't get this.

During all of his years of dealing with his hip, I used to tell my son to visualize boxing up his emotions...being very careful to put it all in the box, fold the flaps, & then imagine throwing that box against a wall. I told him to visualize that "splat" as wild & as colorful as he could imagine. .....& then I would use that tool myself! The whole point was to acknowledge the emotions, deal with them, & then get rid of them....without hurting anyone else. Hope this helps!