Parents of Kids with ADHD

How to handle this child depends on what he responds to. Kids with ADHD are all different. My son, who is now 13 has dealt with ADHD / ADD since he was a toddler and I've changed my approach to him as I've learned what he responds to. He's not the kind of kid you can simply boss around. But if he understands why he needs to do something he's very easy to handle. There's a book called "you can't make me - but I can be persuaded" or soemthing like that. That's my son - but I don't think it's all kids with ADHD. I've also learned that when he digs in and says he will not do something, or go somehwere, etc it's best if I don't fight with him, but come back 5 minutes later and say, OK, it's time to go in 10 min.... He needs a warning in oreer to shift gears. So if he's in the middle of a video game I'll tell him 20 ahead of time "in 15 minutes we're leaving for youth group - don't start anything new", then in 10 minutes I'll give him a 5 minute warning. (I always build in an extra 5 minutes to get teeth brushed and out the door.) He will often push back at the initial 20 minute notice "why do we have to go, that's so stupid, I'm not going", etc. I don't argue I just repeat the 15 minute notice.
As for getting his attention or breaking the "hyper-focus" when he was a pre-schooler I'd touch his cheek or chin to turn his face to me (gentle turn). As he got older I'd say (and still do) "Johnny, stop what you're doing for a minute, look at me, I need your attention". Then I don't speak or give direction or ask a question until I have his eye contact. He will do that to me too - and has since he was little. I guess he understands it's the only way it works for him - so he needs the same from others.
The impulsive ness is more about immaturiy, personality and boys (not sure if your bio-kids are girls or boys). While ADHD kids want to rush through a project just to get it over with, they are not always impulsive. The biggest thing with ADHD kids is just getting them to hear the words you're staying. Some ADHD kids need to be in motion to learn - so if he's tapping his finger or toes, fidgeting around it doesn't mean he's not listening to you - he may need to do that so he can listen to you. When my son was learning his letters (and their corresponding sounds) it worked much better when he was able to throw a ball back and forth to me or run laps around the house as we learned. He could learn more in school if he could stand up in the back of the room all day!

There are a lot of good books on ADHD - I encourage to read a couple - sounds like you could be a big asset to your SS.

My 12 yo dtr is ADD and Asperger's and my 9 yo son is ADHD. He's on meds which after 12 mos of trying different meds and doses, we finally think we found what works. However, its worn off by around 3pm, but we can manage him so no big deal. The meds help him stay focused during school which is why we decided to put him on them.

I don't have the tantrums with him. And my daughter with Asperger's is hyperfocused, not him.

My advice is to get this book: A Comprehensive Guide All About Attention Deficit Disorder by Thomas Phelan. It has great advice in it and may help you.There's a whole chapter on Behavior Management that has really helped us as well as some other things in the book. Its an older book, but easy to read and may be a good start for you. Good luck!

Oh, the hyper-focus/obsessiveness! The bane of my existence sometimes! I have her (almost 12) sit down with a notebook and pen (since she can't erase ink ha ha) and come up with a plan to accomplish/accommodate/get what she wants. I encourage her to think things through and sometimes the only way to do that is to have her sit down with pen and paper. She may doodle, she may get up to get a snack or pee or pester her sisters, but she'll do it.

She's really creative so that's one reason this tactic works.

If something has upset her and she's lashing out and requires discipline, but I can't reason with her because she's, you know, lashing out and being dramatic then I don't give a time out. I take her by the shoulder and lead her to her room. I talk in low tones to force her to listen and tell her that I would like to discuss what's making her upset, but it would be easier to do once she's calm. I ask her to come get me when she feels calm enough to have a talk. She usually comes to get me within 15-20 minutes. Then we actually have a pretty productive discussion that includes discipline.

She has very clear cut ideas on right and wrong, what she wants and doesn't want... everything is black and white. It's her way or the highway and that makes for a lot of conflict. We've always had to have open communication with her in order for anything to work, and direct conversations in a way that allows her to come to conclusions on her own naturally.

She often thinks that rules don't apply to her. That's part of her ODD, actually, but also her impulsiveness with the ADHD. She's been known to "forget" rules and do something she shouldn't just because she felt like it and acts shocked that she did it or that there was a rule attached. This happens less since she's been on her med, but it does sometimes happen. She just thinks she's much more mature than she is. She knows she's very smart, but she does think she's smarter than all of the adults around her. She thinks of herself as an adult.

I'm going on for too long now, but I hope something I've suggested clicks.

How is his father's relationship with his son's mother? The best thing would be to work together so that you and Dad can carry on the same routines and methods that he is used to at mom's house. That will greatly reduce transitional issues and keep things consistent.