Parents Are Separating

Hi Kelie's Mom,

I'm so sorry your family is going through this. My daughter was 3 when I separated from her dad. I kept it super simple and I stuck to one "story" without ever changing it (until she got older). It was "mommy and daddy have decided to live in different places. We both love you and that will never change. The only thing that will change is that you will see mommy here and you will see daddy there".

End of story.

If she asked "why" my answer was ALWAYS "because mommy and daddy have decided that is what is best for everyone".

End of story.

When she got older and she would ask for details, my answer was ALWAYS "because mommy and daddy have decided that is what is best for everyone".

When she says "it's not fair" or she is upset or angry I would say to her ALWAYS "I know that you are upset. I can see that it would be very frustrating to have parents in two locations / can't see your dad every day etc etc."

The biggest thing to help your daughter is to validate her feelings a million times if you have to - remember SHE did not have a choice in this. NEVER bad-mouth her dad even if he's the worst dad on the planet - she'll figure out who each of you are all on her own. Be your child's advocate, but know that unless her dad is abusive to HER - the kind of husband he was and the kind of dad he was while being married to you MAY NOT be the kind of dad he is capable of being to her now - so let him grow and change.... it only benefits your daughter to have an unrestricted access relationship to you both.

If HE badmouths you.... don't stoop. My daughter would come home and say "daddy says you were a bad wife" or "daddy says you moved out of the state to get him back" or "daddy says you can be really moody".... my answer was ALWAYS "oh, he did? hmmm." NEVER let your child see you stoop to the level of the stoooooopid parent. Even if you want to. And even if in your head you are saying vile and foul things and screaming at him and wishing him dead inside of your mind.

Good Luck - I wish peace for you and your family during this time.

I've told my 3 year old nothing. I've kept it all exciting.

Daddy's going to go live in a new house - YAY!!

Daddy's not here tonight, but we'll have tons of fun together -FUN!!

That said, we're still friendly. Dad comes to my house for dinner a few nights a week (they're reading stories right now).

My personal philosoply is to tell nothing unless specifically asked. And he's never asked. I figure he doesn't know any different so why make him think there's a problem, you know.

I told mine that although mommy and daddy will always love each other and them, and will always be their parents, sometimes mommys and daddys just can not live with each other and be happy. It will be hard on him, but with both of your support he will be fine.

They have books for children at the library about daddy and mommy getting a divorce.

Best wishes to you.