Parents Are Getting a Divorce

Jen, I had a very similar experience with my mom. My parents separated when I was 23 (had just graduated from college), and then divorced a year later. My mom initiated the separation, but from then (7 years ago) until now, she still has regrets. Granted, she is not as upset about it now as she was then, but she is still not quite at peace with it. They were also constantly arguing for as long as I can remember, but still, looking back, she can only remember the good times. For some trite advice, all I can say is that 'Time heals all wounds'? Just be there for her, listen to her, try and do things with her to take her mind off of things. But this will be extremely hard for her since they were married for so long. Hang in there!

First I am so sorry. I personally think it's harder for an adult "child" to have their parents divorce than it is for a younger kid. My parents divorced when I was 9 and it didn't affect me nearly as much as it did my 20 year old sister.

Anyhow- you might just want to be there as support for your mom. Distract her in any way possible and tell her she needs to quit begging and putting her self through more trauma. I imagine it's hard if you don't want a divorce...but there's nothing she can do. Maybe suggest counseling or take her for a girls weekend. Anything that can help. Otherwise eventually she will come to terms with it.

I would highly suggest Divorce Care. DC meets at different churches and it is a wonderful program that will help her through every step of the process. You can learn more and find a location near her at DivorceCare.org

I don't know that you can get her to let go....She is going to have to learn how to help herself instead of being dependent on your father. I would recommend she attend a program at The Road Adventure in Richardson. They have three weekend programs. I would recommend that she attend the first one. The cost is only $50 and she can begin to heal. If she wants to continue with the second and third weekend she can. You can check it out on line at www.theroadadventure.org Your mom is very scared and not sure how she will make it on her own. I've been there not once but twice and have learned that I am in charge of me and how I feel about myself. I hope she is willing to take the step toward happiness. Good Luck!

I am so sorry for all of you. You should consider therapy for yourself. Divorce is hard on every person in the family. Try not to get pulled into the middle of them. Remember each of them has their own version and it will take years for it to all sort out as to what all really went on. You will have your own version, but they will really not be prepared to hear it yet. I have learned this through our parents.

Your mom should go to her doctor and get a full physical and she needs to tell them what she is going through. They need to check her blood pressure etc...and may suggest she also see a therapist. Being in the middle of a divorce is can cause health and mental changes. It is really scary and lonely and can make people do all sorts of crazy things, that they regret later.

Make sure she has friends she can speak with, have her stay active in things she has always done . Have her write down or if she is willing share her fears, anger, frustrations, whatever with a person she is comfortable with.

If she has any divorced friends, it may help for her to speak with them.They are the people that will totally understand what she is going through.

For your own safety. Do NOT tell her to get over it! She will freak out, cause she may not be able to control this.

Hi J., I'm sorry you are going thru this. In AZ when you get divorced and have kids, you are REQUIRED to take a parenting class. When I did this a few years ago, the instructor said, "it doesn't matter if your kids are 3, 13, or 33. They will ALWAYS want their parents to get back together". So it's hard on the kids no matter what the age. Go on meetup.com, it's free, and type in your zip code and seach for "divorce support groups". maybe both you and your mom can find a group close by of people going thru the same things. I hope this helps. Good luck!

Maybe going to Celebrate Recovery (program is at several different churches) would help. You can google it.

Try the book Love must be tough by James Dobson. It talks about such behaviors that you are concerned about. It is her choice and a good therapist would be helpful.

Take Care and God Bless!

Years ago I went through this and I received some valuable advice which I then passed on to other women. Tell your mom to do 3 things right now. First, make an appt. to have her hair done---highlighted, new style, anything that will make her feel attractive when she looks in the mirror. She might even get a facial. Second, excercise. Walk, jog, join a fitness club, participate in some sport, but exercise because depression is lifted when the blood is circulating. Thirdly, READ PSALMS! Everything we face is addressed by the psalmist. This is taking care of body, soul and spirit. Not only will your mom feel better about herself, but others will, too. I had many women tell me these 3 things made a huge difference in their journey----some ended in divorce and others in reconciliation. The point is, take care of yourself!

This must be very shocking, not only to your M., but also to you and your children. It may feel like your whole foundation has been pulled out from under you. That's how I felt when my parents divorced while I was in college, even though I had feared it might happen for a few years beforehand. A person's vision of her "world" changes in this situation more than anyone can possibly understand without living through it yourself.

Twos thoughts to share with your mother (coming from a college professor who teaches a course in marital communication):

(1) She may be more hurt and upset about HIM being the one to leave, and thus, rejecting her, than she is about LOSING HIM. Once she steps back and looks at the situation objectively, she may find that she doesn't miss him at all. She may be relieved to live in peace without him. If she hasn't lived on her own in decades (or ever), that is unnerving. But, she may end up loving it. No one will be arguing about how she does things, she won't feel resentful keeping house for an ingrate, or whatever else they fought about.

(2) If there is any hope for the marriage to be restored, they must completely revamp their way of relating and thinking about each other. It isn't over until the divorce is final, and even then, it doesn't have to be over. Buy her and your father each a copy of this book: "How to Improve Your Marriage Without Talking About It" by Love & Stosny. http://www.amazon.com/Improve-Marriage-Without-Talking-Ab... This book will help them to recognize the pain they have likely been inadvertently causing for each other, as men and women usually do not understand each other's greatest vulnerabilities. They'll also be able to understand their own reactions and root causes of behavior. For example, they will both be able to understand your mother's sense of desperation in the aftermath of having a woman's greatest fear take place: being abandoned. Your father may have had his pride stomped upon for years during their conflict, when all she wanted was to feel acknowledged and important to him, yet couldn't express it in a way that he didn't leave him feeling criticized.

Not getting along often means that they had a lack of connection, and this book helps people discover how to restore or build connection. I know of several marriages that this book has saved. The title appeals to men. (Hint: Put it in the bathroom where he can read it without you seeing him.) At the very least, they will both be better equipped to have healthy future relationships, and end the marriage recognizing why it went wrong.

Remember that all of you are grieving. What died is their marriage and your conception of your family of origin. When you lose a loved one (or lose your intact family), to death or divorce, you never get over it. It will never completely be free of some vestige of pain and regret at the loss. However, you can carry on with your lives, and re-shape your future to be better than the past. I wish you all the best.

Diane