My daughter(9) mentioned to me and my husband that her brother(8) had went into her room and messed it up. They are both close and are often in her room playing around anyway. She had said she had to clean it all up but didnt seem bothered by it too much. My husband told her to ban him from her room. I thought he was joking but he obviously wasnt because with an evil grin she went to do it and he didnt stop her. I dont think this is how things should have been handled. Opinions please.
I agreewith Bella....She should have told him that she didnt like him messing up her room. And if it was still messy then have him clean it up instead of her. I personally think that teaching them to ban eachother in that way is wrong. For privacy reasons is one thing but not like that. Unless he intentionally went in to mess her room up to be mean. That wasnt the case. And again she didnt truly seem bothered by it at all in the first place.
I agree that kids should have the right to ask that the other not be in their room for whatever reason. But the way it happened seemed very inappropriate. My husband said "ban him from your room" and she said "Great idea!" And put on a happy revenge type of face. And I saw her telling him "daddy told me I can ban you from my room" with a big smile on her face. It just seemed all to wrong for me.
Perhaps I worded it wrong.When the messing up of the room happened she stayed in her room and they played together. Clearly she wasnt bothere by it. How my husband told her irritated me only because she with an evil smile went and told him he is banned from her room. I am completely understanding of people having privacy and her banning him if he went and messed up her room in anger or to be mean. I did eventually talk to both separately to find out why he messed up her room. He was looking for her remote. I did explain to my son that he is NOT to go in and mess her room up and if he does for whatever reason then HE needs to clean up the mess. I asked what happened and asked her if it bothered her. She said it didnt really bother her that she just wanted to get him in trouble. I explained that it was wrong of him to mess up her room BUT that if he did mess up her room he should clean it up vice versa.
If they do not share a room, then she should be able to tell him to stay out. Sometimes parents need to step back and let them handle it. If the brother could not respect his sisters space, then he does not need to be in there.
Why not?
Seriously. Talk to your husband. Have an actual conversation and hear him out. Whatever your issues with it are, or alternative solutions or idea, share them with him. Discuss.
If you come to some other conclusion (or even if you don't) be sure your husband chats with your daughter later to explain why he told her what he did. Banning the brother won't accomplish anything if he doesn't learn anything from it. And it won't teach your daughter anything if you don't make sure she understands the parameters of how/when/why it is ok.
Just my opinion.
btw, I have told my kids "you are not allowed in ___'s room any more today and you can't go in their room" many times. Why? Because I hear all the complaints about someone messing up someone else's belongings. And they were fine with it at the time... but at clean up time, it was "the other person's" fault. And usually, it goes both ways. If one wants the other one out, they want to be able to go into the other kid's room. If we do any "banning" they are BOTH banned from each other's room. Not just one of them.
Just like with telling them they aren't allowed to talk to each other when their bickering gets out of hand, it doesn't last long. They are pretty quick to make up get over it and ask if they can play again.
If one of my sons had come into my room at the age of 8 and messed up my room, I would have banned him, too. (And given him a big consequence for it as well.)
Now, at that age, my kids shared a room, and I have boys - no girls. If I had a boy and a girl, I would definitely allow privacy for my daughter if her brother was coming in messing up her stuff. Yes, your daughter should have told him she didn't like it, but your daughter is not an adult here (only one year older than the 8 year old), and you shouldn't be putting the the blame on her in any way. I don't think that there was anything wrong with what your husband said to her. If this has never come up before, how would he know that you would not have agreed with his thinking? Do you expect him to come "check" with you before he says anything to the kids?
Now, after the fact, you two need to sit down and talk about it. You also need to talk about the issue of privacy for your kids, especially since you have one of each sex. Your daughter will be coming into puberty in a few short years, and your son will be too. I believe you DO need to allow some separation there if one of the kids is not respectful of the other's private space.
Your husband's happy revenge face seems fine to me - it was kind of like a joke. And I don't think that it was inappropriate. However, it grated you the wrong way. Your husband was acting like a guy, quite frankly. I don't think you're going to be able to take the "guy" out of him, and you really shouldn't try.
What your daughter got from her dad was permission to stand up to her brother in a joking, yet confident way. It's also a way for your son to hear that there is a boundary that he had better not cross. He didn't get yelled at by anyone, but he knows that if he does it again, he's going to be in trouble.
I actually think this is a win-win all the way around. The thing is, you are very serious about something that was not said in a serious way and it would be good for you to think about this aspect of it.
That's my two cents, since you are asking for opinions.
Dawn
Why didn't you stop her and say daddy was joking?
By now its about teaching tact and boundaries plus getting on the same page with your spouse. How she handled it is key. Make sure you talk with your spouse later about what the rules will be and sit with the kids to explain them. Mine are close in age and we had to switch rooms because my middle one didn't want her brother in "her " room which housed all the toys and they are only 4&2 so I can see this secenerio coming ugh good luck
No, I agree. That is definitely not how I think it should have been handled. You don't leave it up to a 9 year old to ban her brother out of her room. That is the parents job. Maybe he should have told her to tell him in a nice way that she doesn't like when he messes up her room and if he could please clean up his mess. But telling her to ban him, in my opinion wasn't right.
I think they'll figure it out, don't you?:)
If you forbid her from banning him from her room, this sends the message that he does indeed have *right* to be in her room. Does he? She liked the idea of not having someone come into her room, mess it up with her, and then leave. It's her room, right?
My guess is that if the adults don't try to interfere and correct this, they'll come to some sort of agreement in a day or so. Sometimes, their own solution is far better than anything we can come up with.
And for what it's worth, I have banned my own son (5)from certain parts of the house when he's gone and disorganized what I have been working on and refuses to correct his mess. (And yes, he's been warned and does know better.) At eight years old, your son should know that if he plays with her, he needs to help with cleanup, or else she does have the right to decide not to let him into her room until she's ready.
I understand the whole banning him from her room, but what I don't understand is why you are not doing it instead of her (or your husband)? The reason it seems so wrong is she is playing the parent and enjoying it and the outcome of it. If you handled it, the smugness can disappear. Good Luck!
