Parenting Issues with Husband.......Help, I'm at Wits End!

Updated on June 15, 2009
A.U. asks from Allen Park, MI
6 answers

Hi, I'm hoping some of you can give me some advice. Have any of you dealt with this? How did you fix it?
I've having a very hard time with my husband in the way he lets our 5 yr old daughter get away with just about anything and I feel he is driving a wedge between me and my daughter! He has his moments where he'll get a little fed up with something she's doing directly to him, and then it's "ok" for him to raise his voice and send her to her room. However, on a regular basis when she is doing something wrong somehow its MY FAULT....not Emily's (my 5 yr old).... The most recent example was Monday, she had just had a bath-my husband walked out on the porch. I was on the floor with the baby with my back turned away from the door. She walks out behind him and I couldn't see her and wasn't really paying attention. So he was standing on the porch on the phone and she goes and gets on her bike. Ok, well its wet out there and she went out in her socks! So shortly after she walked out I got up to see what she was doing and noticed she was in her socks, which were now soaking wet. So, I opened the door and yell out that she needs to get in the house right now, asked why she was in her socks and told her that she knew better. Well my Husband starts yelling at me, telling me that I knew she came out and I should have been watching her! OMG, I blew up (because this happens all the time and I'm fed up) and he went on to tell me that I couldn't even handle 2 kids, blah blah, just being a total jerk..... we haven't talked since!.. He seriously thinks he is right, which just floors me! Seriously if she breaks something, then to him I shouldn't have left it there.... If she plays with something she shouldn't, then I should have watched her better.. Etc etc.. I'm sure you get the point.. Its like this all the time. She seems him yell at me for discipling her and now I'm like a joke to her! Plus I seriously feel like he is driving a wedge between me and her.. I love her more than life and I will not let him ruin my relationship with my daughter! Its like he is always making me out to be the bad guy and he is Mr Nice guy! That is NOT doing any good for our daughter! When we're all together it just constantly seems them them 2 against me. I'm sick and tired of it! I'm the one that runs around with her to her dance classes, play dates, birthday parties and 99% of other functions! But I try to discipline her and correct her and I'm the bad guy!! Another issue is going to bed.. I tell her that she needs to sleep in her own bed, and he will still baby her and take her to bed with him! He babys her way to much. She is very very cabable of listening, she is very bright/mature little girl. Its him that is causing her behavior issues, and I'm not the only one that sees it. His mom sees it, his best friend talks about it all the time. However, I don't think they really talk to him much about it because he gets very defensive about it. He is somehow "always right". I am also worried for her, I think this will affect her horribly as she gets older. He can't/won't understand that. Help, how do I get him to understand the damage he is doing to both her and me and save our marriage at the same time? I do love him, and I really don't want our family to break up, but I won't/can't let this continue!
Oh and believe me, I understand the whole "daddy's girl" thing.... I would never be jealous of that, i encourage it and think a daddy and daughter is precious... However this is more manipulative stuff.. Sorry for rambling. Thanks for your time :)

What can I do next?

  • Add yourAnswer own comment
  • Ask your own question Add Question
  • Join the Mamapedia community Mamapedia
  • as inappropriate
  • this with your friends

More Answers

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

G.B.

answers from Detroit on

I'm glad you're home with the kids. You need to get family counselling with someone who can teach your husband some better ways. He is clearly angry with you. Couples counselling could be another way to go. Do what you can to continue to build your relationship with Emily. Even though she is being used by him to get at you, what you do for her and how you are there for her will pay off! His taking her to bed with him bothers me and is an area of serious risk, though I usually think it's great when families share a bed when all this isn't going on. I really feel you need to take a stand and make an appointment for you guys to see someone who can advocate for your daughter and speak plainly to your husband about his attitude and behavior. Please do not simply learn to live with this. I think your daughter will be damaged by all this and you need to do what's best for her ASAP. If your insurance convers mental health visits, use that. If not, go to your community mental health agency or family services agency where they have a sliding scale.

1 mom found this helpful
Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

K.G.

answers from Detroit on

First thing I would suggest is counseling. He has to learn that even if he believes he is right do not let her know and do not belittle you in front of her. Also take a vaction leave him with the two kids for a few days believe me he will understand you when you return home.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

S.R.

answers from Detroit on

I'm no psychologist but i sounds like he's got "mommy" issues and is defending the little boy he once was. I could not tolerate that personally. I do see myself cringe at things my husband says to the kids but they're no worse than what I say. I have daddy issues! There is no literature out there that supports arguing in front of kids about discipline, so you could start at the library and mark the pages of several books (websites, too) that stress how important it is to kids to have parents as a united front. If he's stubborn he may not react right away but may get the point on his own terms. As far as yourself, I'd be careful not to take his bait. Be calm and state to her your corrections and be a role model for positive discipline. Good luck!

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

J.K.

answers from Detroit on

I work with Starfish Family Services, we offer the Love & Logic classes FREE at least every month. Most of the classes are held at our main office in Inkster (not far from you at all) and include childcare!
Unfortunatley the latest session has already began, but if you'd like to message me I can help you find the next one that'll fit into your schedule or answer any questions...It really sounds like your family could benefit from the series, sounds like you have a pretty heavy burden!
Hope this helps :)

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

C.F.

answers from Detroit on

Hi A., I agree with Kristina G. If you leave on a short weekend away and leave him with both girls he will realize how hard it is to watch both at the same time. After you get home take a few minutes to talk to him about what he is doing to you, if you feel comfortable talking to him about it without it going into a screaming match. If you can't talk to him then seek counseling. And let all the grandparents and friends in on your getaway idea so that he is not shoving the kids on the parents. Have them say they are busy and he can't even come over for a visit. Because even a little visit will result in someone else watching the kids. Try your hardest to make sure that it will only be him and the kids. I am sure this will make him realize his errors.

Smallavatar-fefd015f3e6a23a79637b7ec8e9ddaa6

H.B.

answers from Detroit on

I strongly urge you and your hubby to have a date night, just the two of you w/o your daughter. Discuss your concerns, and the importance of presenting a "united parenting front" when dealing with your girls.

The other suggestion I have is that both of you should sign up for a parenting class together. Check with your parks and recreation or community education departments. The "Love & Logic" series is a really good one. (If you can't find a class, check your local library for the series on tape.) When you take the class together, it will help you and your hubby be on the same page as far as disciplining, and handling different situations that arise with your kids. Good luck!

For Updates and Special Promotions
Follow Us

Related Questions

Related Searches