S.J.
S.,
As a step parent myself, I can tell you it is a very dificult situation you are going thru. My stepdaughter is now 18 and I became involved in her life when she was 4 and began raising her at 5. We are now the best of friends, but it wasn't always easy. I can offer both you and your husband some very sound advise. First and foremost the first thing the has to happen is that there shoudl be NO talking down of his dad. Some day he will realize it on his own. It may take years, but when your son hears his daddy having bad things said about him, it only hurts and makes him more likely to rebel. The secon thing, almost as important is that you and you husband MUST provide a united front to your son. this means you two have to talk about prenting issues together. This may also mean some compromising by both of you. find a middle ground, for if you both love each other and the lill guy, then it should be easy to keep his best interests in mind. Even though your son loves your husband, he may feel a bit jealous of having to "share you." Once you agree to how to handle parenting issues, you must stick with it. your son WILL try to divide and conquer. It is a completely normal thing. If the two of you stick together on issues, then he will soon realize that he can't play one of you against the other to get his way, of get your sympathy. This is probably going to be harder on your husband because your son will make him feel like he does not have any parental privildges because "your not my dad."
I realize this is long but I also come from years of experience in this matter. Basicly what you are doin now is tryig to rebuild a family from the beginning and it will take time. You have to show your son that your husband is an equal decision maker to yourself. This won't change overnight, but if you follow the above advise, it will work. I am available online frequently. I can be found on both AOL and Yahoo my screen name is Shazzizme on both. Please feel free to IM or write any time. I hope things get better.
S. J
ShazzArtisticVisions.com