Parenting - Clearwater,FL

When she talks back to you, you can take something away from her (tv, favorite toy, etc.) The item is in time out until she can find her good disposition. My mother used to tell me to crawl under my bed and find my good disposition in the far corner and put it in my pocket and I couldn't come out of my room until I had it with me. Also, sometimes ignoring her might work, too. Sometimes I have to ignore my 5 year old son when he behaves this way because I'm feeding the fight. When I stop feeding the argument, he can't fight with me. I tell him, "I'm not talking to you right now." He argues back but I stay quiet. He tries to get a reaction and I ignore him. He gives up and goes away and calms down. Doesn't work all the time but it gives me a break and I find some peace in a hectic moment. We have all been there and it still happens to me so know you are in good company. Kids are like us, they have good days and bad. My kids are always teaching me patience and I am still learning to be patient.

When my kids were young, I never told them to go take a time out. I said "Your behavior has earned a time out" and took them by the hand and walked them to the time out area. AS they got older i would walk with them. This way it is not really an option to NOT take the time out. If I am sitting down or busy with something else and just dictating that they take a time out, it does not seem as serious.

Pick her up and put her there.

This is a developmental milestone for four year olds. They are experimenting with the power of their words. The best thing is to is to teach them better words to use. Usually they are angry at something or don't like something. But instead of communicating their feelings and their needs, they attack, threaten, insult and give ultimatums.

So, with your example, at No! , you would say something like "you really don't want to go to timeout. You're mad! You'd rather keep playing."

It doesn't mean that this will happen. It doesn't mean that what they are saying is okay. It is simply clarifying their thoughts. It's helping them express themselves. These are their feelings and their opinions. This is where they are.

THEN you deal with the situation and go on from that point. "You still need to X.." "Oh! It would be SO FUN to X, but we need to do such and such because blah."

Does that help? Fours will do this. And when you keep giving them better scripts to use, they eventually replace their backtalk with better talk.

Have you explained the concept of "backtalk" to her? We spend 2-3 years encouraging our kids to talk, and then they start sharing their, ummm, opinions with us and we get angry. Clearly she must obey and you must follow through on getting her to respond properly. However, you may need to demonstrate when it is okay to "disagree" with you. Make sure, in a moment of calmness, you talk to her about HOW to be respectful and when it is okay to say "no" and when it is not. When she does talk back, be crystal clear about what needs to happen "I know you don't want to, but timeouts are something you must obey." Just be consistent.

Around 5 or 6 she will get really creative and start whining or pretending she doesn't hear you. Now THAT is fun!

Watch super nanny. She has a lot of helpful tips. You can find episodes on hulu.com

You can stop this behavior--- all you have to do is stop arguing. After the first request (please and thank you go a long way in getting things done), if she doesn't do as you ask, you take immediate action. (If you have to tell her several times, and she argues or doesn't move until you blow up, you've already taught her that she doesn't have to do it til Mom gets mad!) You skip all that baloney if you teach her that when you say something, you mean it. You have to stop arguing. If she says "no" to something, immediately react by making it happen. You teach her that this is the way life works. Make it fun to do things your way by wildly appreciating little things that she does every day, instead of only commenting when there's a problem. She really does want to please you.

check out YokaReeder- she saved my bacon.
best, k

excellent, expert advice on talking back from Dr. Sears:

http://www.askdrsears.com/html/6/T063900.asp#T063200

Does your child always demand the last word? "Mary, please do the dishes." "Mom, I can't. I've got homework." "Doing the dishes is your job isn't it?" "Yes, but I have a test tomorrow." "Dishes only take ten minutes. Please be done by the time I get back." "It'll be your fault if I get an F." Sound familiar? Parents and children often jab at each other ping-pong style, and the conversation escalates into confrontation if neither stops to understand the other's viewpoint. Children are put on the defensive; parents feel their authority is being challenged. Nobody wins. Talking back should never become disrespectful. A respectful form of disagreement reveals that your child is willing -- and comfortable�communicating with you. Try these suggestions for the child who always answers back.

Expect respect. Parents' ears are quick to pick up disrespect ; keeping your tone respectful is not always easy, yet it is critical as a modeling tool. Occasional spurts of talking back need not be reprimanded, providing your child is not disrespectful. Expect talking back during developmental stages when your child shows spurts of independence. Having the last word helps the child solidify her position and reaffirm her independence. Unless it's a biggie or is clearly done to taunt you, chalk it up to normal development. A child needs to learn how to make his point without being rude. There is a fine line between disrespect and spunk.

Between seven and ten years of age, part of the normal development of a child is to protect their interests. They are developing a sense of fairness. Any comment or request from you that is perceived by them as unfair will cause them to naturally go on the defensive. One day I wrongly accused Matthew of dawdling while the rest of the family was in the car waiting for him. He was quick to defend himself. The reason why he had to go back in the house was to get his shoes. This was not talking back, but rather a developmentally appropriate comment from a child at a stage when he is learning a sense of social fairness. Being open to your child's defense (as long as it is respectful) conveys that you are willing to listen and respect the child's viewpoint. This sets the stage for opening avenues of communication with a teenager.

If things escalate into a shouting match, the talking back needs to be corrected. One day I overheard this dialogue between Martha and then eight- year-old Erin, who had talked back: "Erin, sit down. I want to talk with you," Martha said calmly. She had interrupted the battle by changing her tone of voice. The two power strugglers sat down. "I'm the mommy. You're the child. That doesn't mean I'm better than you, but I've lived a lot longer and I've learned a lot more. So I'm a bit wiser -- as you will be when you're a mommy. I understand why you don't want to clean your room, but I expect you to obey." Then came a hug. Finally, Martha told Erin, "I'll help you get started."

If the talking back is becoming disrespectful and more frequent, evaluate your whole parent-child relationship. Is your child angry about something in his situation or with you? Is a distance developing between the two of you? Have you been so preoccupied lately that your child has to shout and make a nuisance of herself to get you to listen to her? It's inventory time in the parenting business again. Here's an example. It was winter, a busy time in my pediatric practice, as well as deadline time for a book. These combined stresses left me less tolerant of the usual minor irritations that occur daily in the life of growing children.

Time-out from talking back. If you and your child are shouting at each other and a wall is going up between you, either send your child for time-out or take time-out yourself. There's no real communication going on anyway. Announce "I need a break" or tell your child to "sit there until you can talk with me respectfully." When you have both calmed down, open with an apology, if called for, to break the ice and take down the wall. Then ask to hear your child's viewpoint again (sometimes having to repeat her case lessens its importance to the child). Present your viewpoint and together arrive at a conclusion. End with a hug. Your child gets the message that disrespect (from both parties) is counterproductive and unwise.

Stop talking so much and physically show or move her body for her. Use one word utterances when it comes to reminders like for example instead of "Sophia time for your bath, let's go upstairs and get undressed" Try "Bath" or "Bathtime" it's just a reminder instead of a constant run down of the whole experience and leaves little for challenge. Warn her ahead of time that you have new rules in your house and if she breaks those rules then so and so will happen. You pick the so and so and stick to your guns. She will get it real quick.

Maybe try looking back at what is getting her into time out in the first place and see if you can nip it in the bud a little earlier in the process. If she is getting into time out because she is not complying with your request then address that. Count downs are great for setting expectations (love that 123 magic!) as well as cause and effect "if you don't pick up your toys there will be no bedtime story" and then plan to follow through with 100% consistency (with both parents!). and if all else fails take a deep breath and remember you are a good parent!!!! good luck!

Four year olds do this. Don't be too upset. If you did give her a time out just say firmly that you are the mother and it is time for her to get a time out.
End of story. And then put her on the mat or in her room.

Have you ever watched the Nanny who moves into the house and helps the parents get control over their unruly kids. It was a TV series. Watch a few episodes and you'll see what to do.

Do you instruct her from your chair? Or, do you actively take part in getting her to her time out spot? It sounds like she is pushing back because it is easy to do. You need to be consistent and go to her in love, taking her to time out (or whatever your discipline method is), and instruct her on how she is to behave. She will continue to talk back if there are no consequences.

Don't argue with her-about anything!!! It won't get you anywhere but worked up and even more frustrated. Instead of telling her to go to time out, give her 3 warnings. The first warning is when you tell her not to do something (or stop doing something or to do something and she doesn't). Then you look at her and say two and hold up two fingers. Give a 5-10 count in your head to give her time to react. If she still doesn't listen you say 3, hold up 3 fingers and give yourself the mental 5-10 count again. If she still doesn't do what you asked (always ask a child to do something using please and thank you just like you want them to address you or another adult) take her by the hand and lead her to her time out spot. Calmly tell her she is in time out for not blah blah blah. Set a timer for 4 mins and walk away. If she runs, calmly lead her back without talking to her. You may have to do this 30 times (you've seen super nanny!!) but you have to keep doing it because this has now turned into the battle of the wills and trust me, she has a strong will and wants to win this game against you!! AS long as you stay consistent with this, it will get better and soon you won't have to count or take her to time out. With things that you know she knows is wrong (being mean to the cat) can have an instant time out with no warnings.

A good read is 1 2 3 Magic. It covers a lot of stuff kids do/don't do and how we as parents can guide them without loosing our minds!! I've always have done the counting and time out with my kids but this gave me some great ideas for Start behaviors (things we want our kids to do) especially with my tween daughter. I don't agree with sending kids to their rooms for time out like the book suggest but it's ok to modify it to fit your needs.

Good luck!
S.

I have read somewhere that directing children with more positive language and tone is more effective (sorry can't remember so might not be too helpful)....however, here are also some disciplining tips that might help you out:

http://www.theskinnyscoop.com/search/discipline?utm_campa...