Parenting - Irvine,CA

I believe in treating others as I would want to be treated. Would I want to be mislead, manipulated, and lied too? NO! So will I do that to my children? NO. I believe that if children are tricked and manipulated, they will learn to be tricky and manipulative. If you are straight with them, they will learn to be straight and honest with you.

Doesn't sound like the best parenting strategy to me! I tell my kids there are "looking days" and there are "buying days". It's important for kids to learn the difference and the fact that they don't get something every single time they ask or every time we go shopping. In the long run that strategy you ask about it going to come back to bite the parents in the butt. Parents need to be just that-the parents!

If I say something will happen... it will happen. Period. I also hedge my "yesses" purely for this reason. I don't hedge my nos.

I have a thousand ways of saying no... and they're all just straight. No. Nope. Sorry kiddo, no. I'd like to, but no. Nada. Niet. Nein. Basta (enough). Ne. Jo. いいえ (ii-e). لا (laa).

Yesses are frequently qualified, such as; perhaps/ IF _____ happens/ after we get paid/ if we can/ etc.

But what I say goes. Daddy promises stuff all the time... I make very few promises.

I think you need to say what you mean and mean what you say. At our house, we have a child with high funcitoning autism, and we live the litteral lifestyle, and that is good advice for everyone who has little kids, typical or not.

It is not a bad thing for them to be disapointed by being told "no." The more they hear it, the better they get at it, and although I could probably give mine everything they ask for, at some point in their life, they are not going to get something they want, and they need to work out that frustration at home, in front of people who love them and give them a hug after they are done pitching a fit.

M.

I stay true to what I say 99% of the time. If I tell my daughter she can have something if she does X and X, then she can have it. If I tell her that there is no more TV after this show, then I mean it. There are times when the baby wakes up or needs me or I get a phone call or something that I do let it slide - Okay one more show after this, but I do it on MY account, instead of her asking/begging.

I do not tell her things and then hope she forgets them. Because more often than not, she'll bring them up later!

I make sure to express that I understand her disappointment or sadness "I know you want to buy that toy but we came for something else. Maybe next time we can get X." Or I'll tell her "I realize you are sad that your friend is leaving. it's okay to be sad and cry. I'm sure we can plan another play date." When leaving the park, I tell her "Say BYE to the park. We'll be sure to be back!" and if she cries or gets upset, I just express how I understand and leave it at that. Sometimes it's okay to let her cry and express her sadness/disappointment because I think it's okay for kids to know that they do not/cannot always gets what they want when they want it.

There is no reason not to say NO to a child.
You need to be consistent and follow through. If you say no, you'd best mean no. Playing tricks will backfire and it serves no purpose. If the children don't learn to deal with no, they'll end up expecting yes to every question/request. Eventually, the parents are going to have to say no and then the battle that ensues will be monumental... And the parent will be left wondering what happened.
YMMV
LBC

Who are these parents that have kids that forget? My kids don't forget anything - most of the time they are telling me stories about something that happened MONTHS ago and I am scratching my head trying to remember.

I don't lie to my kids. If they ask for something and the answer is no, I usually say, "No, not today." If I am unsure I tell them honestly - "I will think about it." They know that if they nag me about it - then the answer is definitely no. This was a hard learned lesson. It seems to work for us, I prefer to be honest so my kids know they can trust what I say, when I say it. But, I am not a passive person.. and I don't feel the need to avoid conflict. I feel like it's GOOD for kids to hear the word "No" and have to deal with not getting everything they want.

I dont think you should lie to them, we are supposed to be a role model for them. You could tell them, maybe next time we can buy this, or how about we go to the park and play instead.. something along those lines.

I don't think you should be afraid to say "NO" to your child. I try to say No and give a reason why. I would never trick my child into doing something. Why would the ever believe anything you say if you are always trying to trick them?

I can't say what will be best for you, but, I have four teenagers ages 13-17 (yes, all mine/ours-3 boys and a girl) and I love them and enjoy every bit of them. We have very little fighting in our home, very few bad attitudes, and very few problems with them rebelling and being "adolescents" as our society expects them to be. We told them "NO" often when they were young. When they touched the stereo or sucked on the remote, or played with our cell phones, we said NO and slapped their hands if they repeated it. We even spanked (gasp). However we had boundaries for that too. We spanked from about a year to 5 years old. But have had little or no spanking since. If I said "do not hit your sister, or do not pee outside, do not throw your toys etc." and they blatantly did just that, then they immediately got a spanking. It was a first offense, immediate consequence and that was that. I never spanked as a last resort. If I've told them more than 3 times to do something and they haven't, I'm now furious and I'm going to be abusive. All that to say, if they have boundaries as little guys and they know there are consequences that are sure, then when they are 16 and I say "don't do drugs, drink, sleep around" they understand that if they do, the consequences are sure and will come. The last thing they'll do is land in court and say "I didn't know...."
Best wishes! K.

I think tricking your children sets a bad example. Also, it makes you seem untrustworthy in their eyes. Then you are teaching them at a young age that the very person you should be able to trust the most in this world is a liar and if you tell them not to lie, then you're showing you're a hypocrit as well.

No way, I think that is terrible. My son is only 2 1/2 and he would remember. That just teaches your child they can have everything they ask for if they are just persistent enough. And it teaches them you can't be trusted to do what you say you will do.

I don't often tell my son what we are going to do, whether it be an outing or a purchase. Not until we are on the way or it is already starting. A couple weeks ago there was this train thing in town, and I had every intention of taking him, but it poured rain. He never knew he missed it and wasn't disappointed. When he is a little older I will start telling him about things like that, but never as an empty promise. (When he is a little older he will be able to learn about things that are out of our control.) If I say yes, that means yes. And the same goes for no. No bargaining unless that is the whole point, like compromise and earning a reward. And no disappointment over a broken promise. I think that kind of disappointment is much worse than the kind from being told no.

For me, the Birthday List or Christmas List thing has worked wonders. You can go so far as to have a little notebook in your purse and let your child see you writing it down. It's on 'the list' which isn't a promise to buy it, just a reminder that they like it. I don't think this would work for ALL kids but it has been great for me.

Hello, My husband and I raised four children. I always believed in complete honesty with all of them. When we went to the store and they started to ask for things, I would tell them that we weren't playing "Can I get" today. They knew that if they were well behaved in the store, they would probably get a surprise anyway (something small). This went on the my granchildren as well. At some point in their lives they have to learn that No means No. I like to be straight forward. I think if you trick them they will learn that your word doesn't mean anything.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.

Don't lie!!! Don't ever say yes, if you don't mean yes just to get them quiet at that moment, because they won't ever trust you again. I have used diversions, like " Yes, that does look like a fun toy!! Look the ball goes in here and comes out here!! Let's play a game like that at home with our beach ball!" You say all of this as you are walking away, to get them thinking about something else. Or, "That is a great toy - you should remember to ask Santa for that one!"

Now my kids are older, and they have a little bit of cash on hand from lemonade stands, etc. so I just tell them " you should have brought YOUR money with you! You'll remember next time"

The way we're handling it with our soon-to-be 4 son is three fold:

1. Just because we're at a store doesn't mean you're going to get something every time
2. Wait until a birthday or holiday and put that on your wish-list
3. Earn it

We had to essentially bribe our son to be potty trained. While other kids are motivated by stickers, snacks, our son wanted Cars cars. So, we set goals that he really had to work towards to receive a prize. He was disappointed when he didn't hit the goal, and he worked harder to hit it. We're having to do the same thing with staying in his bed and going to bed on his own. He has to hit the goals we've set to get a nominal prize (right now it's a $5 stuffed Buzz Lightyear from Kohl's).

I don't believe in lying to my kids. Our son has an amazing memory, and we're trying to teach him that things are earned and not just given "because". We have no problem saying "No", and if either he or his younger sister throw a fit, we explain that bad behavior is certainly not a way to get what you want.

Good luck.

I have done it, not intentionally... but, because I was worn out/down and just couldn't "deal" at the moment. It is not something I EVER like having done. And I think if that is your "plan" on how to deal with not buying something they as for, or doing something they want, then it is a horrible one.
Almost always... straight up "no" is best. Unless you REALLY ARE considering whatever it is and need time to make up your mind. That is where I end up doing it... I'm worn down/exhausted and can't think properly... and they ask for something that I wouldn't mind them having, but don't feel right spending the $ at that particular moment, knowing it would be an "impulse" purchase that I might regret. Because I also don't like to say "no" and then buy it for them next week.

But I don't say I will and we'll come back for it or whatever, unless I plan to do so. I usually say "we'll see" because, really... we will. They know that that means "no" about 75% of the time. But if I KNOW I have no plans on doing whatever it is.. then I just say "No. We're not doing/buying that."

I also do a lot of talking with my kids about my shopping decisions...." this is neat but isn't worth what they are charging for it; that is very cool, and good quality, but we can't afford that right now; we don't really need these right now, but they are on sale and I will have to buy them next month anyway" etc.

Your word should mean something to your kids. Especially if you want theirs to mean something to you.

This IS an actual parenting technique, but when used correctly has NOTHING to do with trickery.
I think it stems from the belief that agreement (when possible) validates what the kid wants, thereby reducing the # of tantrums that an outright NO might produce. Your 'agreement' is also conditional, if applicable.
It becomes effective once your kid learns how to reason (I would say around 3ish) and would NEVER be effective across the board for everything, or for each kid. It's also definitely NOT for every parent.

So.... "I want to buy a toy" has a response of "sure - when we get home we can see if you have enough of your money saved and next time we come back we will bring your money and you can buy the toy"
"but I want to buy the toy now"
"I know you do. and it's very frustrating when you want something and can't have it. And you can buy the toy - all you have to do is (repeat condition from above)...."

Similarly.......

"I want 2 scoops of ice cream"
"yes you can can have a 2nd scoop if you eat 15 more peas"

"I want to watch more tv"
"Certainly - you can watch tv once your toys are picked up"

"I want the movie Shrek 3"
"Yep, you can have Shrek 3 if you put it on your birthday gift list and someone purchases it for you"

etc etc etc

It has nothing to do with trickery and would be HIGHLY ineffective if used that way.

This is not a technique I used a lot, but it does have some advantage if you have a kid that wants a "higher level of control" of her world. Especially in public I avoided MANY tantrums by using this technique (depending on the situation).
Obviously if something is an outright NO then you would NEVER want to say yes (or apply a condition in which you MIGHT give a yes), and this becomes an incorrect and ineffective parenting technique for that situation.

I think a trick is a trick. My children have either earned the toy or money to buy the toy in some way, or they are made to wait till their birthday or Christmas! It's just how it is. I don't make promises of getting something that I don't think it necessary. Toys and such are for special occaisions.

Using trickery instead of just plain saying "No"? Not in our house! :)

Hi K., tricks and lies to our children, teach them to trick and lie, no is no and yes is yes, adults who feel they have to lie and trick, are not secure in their parenting. A parent should never be afraid to be honest and fourth coming to their children.To answer your question it's wrong, I have been a parent going on 27 years, I was always honest with my kids, and I have pretty much got the same in return from them. J. L.

I do not believe it is a matter of right or wrong. I believe, as with most things in life, that however it is you get something, you will have to keep doing it to keep it. So if you cheat and lie to get cooperation, will you have to keep doing it and btw, teach your kids to do it. Just like, if you cheat and lie to get money, you will have to cheat and lie to keep it. Same principle.

I want my child trust me and I have no problem saying no to him when I mean no. I explain to him why as best I can for his super-smart 5.5 yr old brain.

So, it does not matter what other parents do, just figure out/imagine what kind of parent/person you want to be, what kind of relationship you want with your child, what values you want to instill in them and what kind of person you hope they turn out to be. Act accordingly. It takes work, and yes there is enough time.. turn off the TV and get to it.