Parent Targeting Special Needs Child for Bullying

What they are doing is wrong, but it is not bullying, it is ignorance. Do you belong or could you join any groups for kids with disabilities. Then she would h ave a network of people who understand her and her disability, and not label her as crazy. You don't specify what her special needs are, but you say it takes a brave soul to tread there. Take heart, there will be one someday. There will be that special child/parent who looks past Susan's differences and SEES her.

So you are evasive in your post about what special needs your child has. Are you evasive to your neighbors too? It's easier to stay away from people with special needs when the parent is not open about what the special needs is. I'm not talking about spilling the beans about every detail BUT some detail is important otherwise people are 'scared' about what they don't know.

I have a neighbor who's daughter has mild special needs. It's so awkward, sometimes, because I have no idea what exactly the special needs is so when my daughters try to include her in something this girl can't participate but we don't know what is on or off limits. So I have finally figured out one thing which is she has limited viewing and can only see straightforward. I know there is more to her needs but not sure what. It's easy to use the words "weird, different, dumbt,etc", but if we new more about her needs, it would make it better to connect with her......if her special needs is the big elephant in the room but your not telling anyone about it so they can connect with her, then you are creating this problem.

Start being more open about why your daughter acts the way she does so people can say "oh, now I understand".

K. T-

I agree with K. D that the problem really is ignorance.

I have a special needs kiddo as well. She has a profound medical history, is developmentally delayed. One thing that I have done throughout her school career is to go into a new class at the beginning of the year, and share with ALL students a little information regarding my daughter...and then allow them to ask any questions that they may have.

This has served to 'educate', and also answer all those questions that might ordinarily go unasked.

I continue to do this to this day. She is now in high school. We cannot go ANYWHERE around here where someone does not come up and say hello to her.

She is loved, and a little bit of a 'special needs ambassador here in this county.

Parents here may have some questions...but my hope is that now their kids can 'educate' their parents a bit...and that THEY can become a bit less judgmental.

Feel free to PM me.

Best Luck!

ETA:

"It takes a brave soul to tread there"...
Perhaps it does...But, my obligation as a parent is to keep 'treading' !! lol
The journey has been a hard one in many respects, but what I have learned from my daughter, what SHE has taught my kiddos (and other people along the way)...FAR outweigh the challenges. Like the army's slogan a while back (if I remember correctly) "It is the toughest job you will ever love". And it has been. I have gained FAR more than I have given. Truly.

You say don't talk, but then you're not doing the responsible thing. Fine, write her a note (although if she does think you are crazy, that will just cement it.)

Talk to the mom and ask her if it's true. I've heard kids say things to get out of stuff, use their parents as an excuse, when I know full well they didn't say that. Or there may have been a conversation that was long and detailed and what they walked away with is "crazy" when what was actually said was much more nuanced and inoffensive.

So your kid came to you and said "this other kid said her mom thinks I'm crazy."
These are children, and you are hearing this third hand, who knows what was really said. If you can't have an adult conversation with your neighbor to get to actually confirm how they feel about your daughter then I guess you can stay in your house and be angry over something you don't even know is true or not but that seems really immature to me.
Get your facts straight before condemning people!

What kind of special needs is your child?
How old, is your child?
I mean, that matters.
I have friends who have special needs kids. Autistic kids. One has Down's.
They would never just let their child roam around the neighborhood unattended by themselves, nor enter someone elses home or yard. By themselves.
You said, "In the past they have flat rejected her out of their yard when she wanted to play with everyone else....."

In school you say she is also bullied. But since she is special needs, I assume she has an IEP.... and therefore, since she is special needs, she would have an in-school AIDE with her, in school, everyday and all day. So how can she be bullied? At the school I work at, all the special needs kids have IEP's and they have an Aide with them, in school, IN class, and with them all day. So, if hypothetically the special needs kid was being "bullied" then the Aide would of course, stop it, reprimand the child, report it to the school and Teacher etc. I mean, the special needs kid is not by themselves unattended. The Aide is there with them and to intercede in any social issues etc.

Per your neighbors: don't let your child go to their house.
If those kids are not safe, then don't let your child play with them.
Not all neighborhoods are, neighborly. It just is.
Invite other kids over, that you know. It does NOT have to be neighbors.

I agree with those posting that you're taking a child's word at face value. I know you're angry and upset, but isn't it possible that your anger over other bullying at school and the feeling that the neighbors are cold could be making you very quick to assume the worst and to believe a kid's statement -- which might not convey the whole story? Can you step back from your emotions, now that you've vented, and ask yourself a few questions?

The neighbor kid may be completely making up what "mom said" or could simply have misunderstood something mom said that was quite different. Also, the "Susan can't come into our house" thing -- is that something you have only heard from these kids, or from Susan herself saying "I can't go inside there," or from the mom directly to you? There is a world of difference between hearing it from Susan or from these kids, and hearing it from the parent's own mouth, said directly to you.

Do you really want your child going into this family's home anyway? It sounds as if possibly you don't know the parents very well -- that alone would be reason for any parent to not want their child to play with neighbor kids inside the house. That applies whether a child is special needs or not. Have you, yourself, been inside their house? If not, I wouldn't let my kid go freely inside.

As your daughter gets older you are going to have to deal with both real and perceived discrimination and bullying. Your anger is perfectly normal and you need to express it. But you also can help your child navigate these things better if you eventually can either shrug it off -- maybe she needs to stop playing with these kids, or play with them only in groups with other kids there -- or approach other parents calmly to say, "I heard that Susan isn't allowed in your house, and I'm not sure if the kids have that right. Could we talk about it?" Parents won't learn anything from your anger, but they could possibly learn from your calm approach. You may not change minds, but you will be modeling calmness and the ability to walk away from people who cling to ignorance -- IF that is actually what's going on. You won't know until you get the full story, but right now you're too angry to talk to this mom, for sure.

It is hard to see your child mistreated. This shun may be more due to ignorance than meanness. I do not know the special needs your child is facing, so please don't take offense at my example. The remark "S. is crazy" may have been a remark the parent made to explain odd behaviors that your daughter displayed - body movements like jerking and thrashing, or other problems like yelling or spitting. The other parent probably couldn't explain (or didn't understand herself) the reasons for those actions, so she went with "crazy." If the kids want to play with her then I would take them aside and explain to them how your daughter is differently abled and that she enjoys their company and thank them for their kindness in playing with her. I would not let my kids play inside someone else house unless I knew and trusted the parents. I think I would talk to the school and get them to address the bullying issues. Part of it would be educating the kids about your child and others that are special needs kids. Perhaps the school could set up buddies for your child to help mainstream them. Someone suggested visiting S.'s class and talking to the children and explaining her disabilities and her abilities. That would be a great idea if you went it with a positive attitude and educated the kids about their new classmate. Good luck!

Well, I do understand that you are upset for your child - but as others have mentioned you are relying on the second/third hand account of another kid, so while the girl translates it to "my mom said you're crazy", her mom may have actually explained why your daughter isn't welcome in a perfectly acceptable manner ("sorry hon, but she has special needs that we can't accommodate").

You don't seem to know your neighbors very well, so I understand that these people are reluctant to host your child in their home or yard. I don't like having kids over if I do not know the family - special needs or not.

It's a liability issue as well, particularly if they don't actually know anything about your daughters condition and what special needs she has, they may fear that she will require more supervision than they are willing to provide, they may be concerned that she will get injured on their property or they may simply be uncomfortable because they don't know anything about her condition. To be honest I might have a similar reaction if I was in their shoes.

It is too bad that you do not feel that you can have a reasonable conversation with them. Again if you have never really talked to them about your daughter before, giving them a little more information on your daughters special needs might go a long way, particularly if you manage to remain calm and not accuse them of bullying.

Good luck.

You realize you are getting upset over the words of a child. Why don't you ask the mom if she actually said that before flying off the handle?
And if these people are in fact not nice people then don't send your daughter out to play with them. Have her real and good friends over to play instead. I wouldn't subject my kids to jerks, special needs or not.

Mean people suck. I also don't understand why some person raise their kids to be mean. Its a conscious decsion ( sp wr) I will your daughter in my prayers.
One of my matras with my kids. Treat people the way you want to be treated. I really don't have any advice. Just offering my support.

I like Julie's advice.

Thank you Julie, Very well said.

As hard as it is, I would attempt to speak with the parent. In a non-attacking sort of way, which can be difficult in itself.

Then I would nicely say, if you or your children think that my child is "crazy" I would appreciate them not coming to my house as my child does not need to hear these kind of things.

I do not have a special needs child, but we have recently dealt with "bullying" from an older boy down the street. I made the mistake of trying to let my son have the opportunity to try and stick up for himself. We quickly saw that our son would tolerate it because he just wanted someone to play with. I finally had to put a stop to it and told the other boys mom that "They did not play well together, and her son should not come down to my house anymore"
It then turned into this boy riding his bike in front of our house all the time and trying to weasel his way back in by coming into our garage, or trying to make his way in to our back yard. I had to put my foot down again and say they could ride bikes on the sidewalk but he was not allowed in our garage or yard.
At the same time however, we did tell our son to not talk badly about this boy. Because that made him look not so nice.
Sadly some parents are just insensitive,immature and yes ignorant. And it is often reflected in the behavior of the kids.
Stick up for your daughter, and be firm. Do not kids around her who you know are mean or bullies.
Good luck :)

First, I am so sorry. That is reprehensible. Parenting is hard enough when your child ISN'T special needs, I can't imagine how hard it must be. I am hearing a collective experience of isolation and great concern for your child in every environment. That would stress anyone!
I don't know how you feel about home schooling but we belong to a group called Classical Conversations that meets once a week and teaches the classical method. The point of me bringing this up is that I cannot imagine any parent in our group behaving that way towards a special needs child. Children naturally fear those who are different but kids in our group are taught love and respect for each other and all others and what you are describing would never be tolerated by us or our director. Is it bc we are a Christian group? I'd like to think so but I think it also has to do with the fact that home schooling families generally seem to, as a group, have higher standards. This is just my experience. Our particular group is open to all, not just Christians. You may want to consider just looking into and visiting some home school groups in your area. Often they hold open houses and welcome visitors and questions. Just having a loving, safe community may help you feel better about everything and even give you peace in your neighborhood. I understand more and more people with special needs children are going that route. We have some boys in our group who need extra one on one and creative approaches due to behavior issues and hyper activity. They are giving them a chance to grow gently and our particular curriculum is both impressive and simple to walk out, esp with weekly group support. We do art and science projects together every week and go on field trips. If you are interested, there are classical conversations groups all over the country and world and we have lots of open houses. You can find out more at classicalconversations.com. Whatever route you choose I wish you peace and Christ's blessings. You're obviously a wonderful, loving mom. I will be lifting your family up in prayer and would urge you to do the same. Parenting is a monumental task, as you know, and we all need guidance outside ourselves. Feel free to contact me anytime. Hugs

First, you heard this from a CHILD. Children sometimes misunderstand things and say and say things that are untrue. You need to first find out if it's true before pointing fingers. It most likely won't get spread.

I can understand how it feels on your daughter. I myself received full day special ed services from kindergarten to 12th grade and I was always bullied called "crazy" "mental", etc. When I turned 16 I started doing the bullying myself, bullying other special ed students, and I thought I had the right to bully other special ed students because I was one myself, and I would particularly make fun of kids whose needs are similar to mine. I continued to do it until I graduated. That is when I realized just because I'm a special ed student myself, doesn't mean I have the right to do that.