Painful and Stinky Situation with MIL

You cant' tell an adult not to date. You can tell her not to bring the men home. If that's not working for everyone-her dating outside of the home and being a good influence on daughters when she's home, then the arrangement isn't working.

Let me get this straight...you "invited" you MIL to come work.. oh I mean live with you but she can't date? Are you paying her? This is a grown woman you are talking about. I can see you not wanting her to bring men to the house that is reasonable but she can't date or go out? She has to "notify" you if she meets someone? You said she is wonderful with the kids what's the problem? Is it the best role model probably not but I think it is disrespectful of you to treat her like a child. If she is a paid employee of yours then you have the right to put down ground rules otherwise she is just an annoying member of the family who lives with you. Maybe you could rent her a small apartment close by? I don't think it is fair for you to want or to assume she should just become an old housemaid who doesn't deserve to have fun. She has been this way for many years you can't expect her to change overnight if ever and shouldn't be surprised by her behavior. Good Luck with this one!

First of all, she had no reason to notify you who she was dating - that was NONE of your business. Point blank - you don't have the right to tell a grown woman she can't date. You do have the right to ask that when she comes home she is quiet and doesn't bring attention to herself and no men in the house (unless it is for dinner). Sorry sweetie, but it ain't your house, your rules w/ an elder you invited into your home! It is now her home too. You aren't the only one living in the house. You are wrong and your husband is right - you need to learn to compromise.

BTW, did you tell her that your offer was purely to use her for your benefit?

You seem a bit entitled and self-righteous. I'm not sure those are good traits to model for your daughter.

Yikes! You are way wrong here! Is this your husbands house too? I think he should have an input or you might end up causing a wedge with him too! You have no right to tell her she can not date. She a grown woman for goodness sakes!! She has the right to come home any hour she wants to. I do however, think you have a valid point in not bringing all her men around your daughter, but she does have the right to date them! You shouldn't be telling her what to do with her own time! I'm sorry but you kind of sound like the DIL from hell.

Your childrens Grandma has a right to date. Keep the rule of no hanky panky in your home. Your kids seeing Grandma with a beau now and then will not be that harmful, and will probably amuse them. My hat is off to you that you have mil living with you, just make sure she keeps her cool and respects your home.

ADDED: after reading some of the responses it just freakes me out. Your MIL is an adult, she's older than you. She raised your generation... and now you want her to act like a child in your home. That is scary. Please put yourself in her shoes. And having several generations in one household is an AWESOME teaching thing for your kids. That's all I want to say. Please don't take away her rights tho... She's a mom just like you are.

Ummmm...she IS a grown up and while I understand your concern about her being a bad role model for your teenager, I think as long as she is doing what she is doing OUTSIDE of your home, you really have no right to dictate what she does when she's not there.
I understand no "overnights"at your house or "late nights" under your roof but what are you going to do--give her a 10:00 curfew? She's an adult.
My .02

I think you are being a little harsh here. i can totally understand not bringing the men home. but if she wants to go out on dates, i don't see how you could really stop her. If you are not willing to compromise on the rules, all you are going to do is alienate your MIL. She is a grown woman and can make her own decisions, you are not her mother. all that you will accomplish by forbidding her to date is forcing her into another of those bad relationships where she is going to move in with teh guy right away. i hope you try to see her side of things too. Maybe you need to sit down and have a discussion with your MIL and you hubby to see if you can work this out.

Wow. Interesting problem - a fast piece gramma. I appreciate your need to keep everything on the up and up with your teenage girls but I think you are being a tad inflexible. No dating at all? When she gave up her life abroad to come oversee and chauffer your kids, did she know she was entering a convent? Don't get me wrong, I think it's fine for you to have a conversation with Grandma about keeping it in check and showing some restraint for the sake of the girls, but oulawing dating entirely seems unfair. I'm going to join your husband in urging you to compromise. If you don't feel you can, this arrangement isn't going to work because your MIL sounds like Blanche in that old show Golden Girls.

She is a grown woman and if she wants to date that should be fine. That does not mean she should have her boyfriend sleep over at your home.

She should be allowed to come and go as she pleases, she is not an employee and once she lives with you, she is also no longer just a visitor.
I hope you understand the difference.

Her gentlemen friends should be invited to dinner and the children's sports activities if she wants him there,

I think it is good for adult children and grandchildren to understand that their Parents/grandparents can fall in love, date and be active without their families permission.

i heard from somewhere that you should always have your husband deal with his family, and you deal with your family. so whatever you decide to do (my advice is to tell her that she can't have a guy spend the night EVER at your house), i suggest having your husband be the one to tell her. it just keeps things much smoother that way. that's the way i do it with my husband and my family/his family and it works well that way because nobody looks as much like the 'bad' guy.

I really have to agree with most other responses on this one. She's an adult, and she really must be free to come and go. You can ask for "discreet" dating, but have no right to set the terms of her love life, no matter how poorly she handles it.

How about using "fast piece Gramma" as an object lesson with your kids? You can't shield them from every possible negative influence, so make those work for you. A bad example is a teachable moment, especially if Gramma suffers for her choices.

Your teenage daughter is seeing lots and lots of people date, unless you don't let her out of the house and also don't let her watch TV. I understand it's different when it's a family member. Nevertheless, I think you need to really understand that you are the one who is swimming against the tide. That's okay - your house, your kids, your rules. But understand that most folks, myself included, are going to see you as the unreasonable one here.

If you absolutely won't compromise, just know you are jeopardizing your relationship with your MIL, your husband, and possibly your children by removing a person who is by all accounts a loving and caring grandmother from their lives. Is enforcing a "no dating" rule on a grown woman really worth it?

I agree with the previous poster: You cannot, nor do you have any right to tell your MIL that she cannot date. HOWEVER, if MIL was bringing these men into YOUR house, then I'd have something to say about it. What your MIL does outside of the house is her business and if she comes home late, she is a grown woman. I cannot imagine giving a grown woman a curfew. The ONLY thing you do have a right to stick to your guns (so to speak) is if she is bringing these men home (to your home) and you find them in your house in the morning.

'my house my rules' is appropriate for a teenager, but not for another adult who is sharing your space (not someone who is accepting charity.) i understand your rationale, but you are being controlling.
why does your husband have no say in the matter?
i would sit down with your MIL and your husband and work out TOGETHER a set of guidelines that everyone can live with. that means she gets to have a say, you don't dictate terms to her.
one of the things you should be modeling for your daughter is respectful adult dialogue, and how to work through difficult situations. life is about more than sex.
good luck!
khairete
S.

Not sure why she can't date???? She's a grown woman. I don't think you have any right to tell her that she can't date. I 100% agree with not bringing men home, to spend the night. No way, not in my house, not happening. She should be allowed to bring him over for dinner or a visit, but they should not be going off to her room alone nor should HE be spending the night, since there are kids in the house. I am all about teenage girls and showing by example the proper way to be a lady. Let's face it, dating is something that will happen...like it or not mom. She needs to see that dating is just that, dating. You go out, you have a nice time, you come home at a reasonable time. I guess the road you are going to have to cross is if grandma wants to spend the night at her date's house. What then? You can't tell her no, even if she is under your roof. Your daughter needs to understand that grandma is a grown woman and when you are as old as she is, she can do what she thinks is best for her. I'm going to bet that your daughter knows more, sees more, and hears more than you think. She is probably already aware of what is going on. Don't pretend it's not happening, just let her know that grandma is old enough to make her own decisions. I hate to say it but it sounds like you need your MIL for a babysitter and that's all you want her to do. Sorry, not fair. She's an adult and when she's not "working" for you, she should be able to have her own life. If your not careful she will abandon ship and you won't have anyone to shuttle your kids to their activities. YOU wanted her to come live with you to make YOUR life easier. Did you tell her, upfront, that there were rules that she would have to live by if she came and took on the caretaker position? You knew before you asked her to come that she is the way she is. Did you think that by having her live with you, she would change or did you think that you could control her to do what you want the way you want it? Maybe it's time to find a caretaker that doesn't mind doing things your way.

I don't understand the no dating rule. She's an adult, not a 15 year old. BUT no bringing men home makes plenty of sense. Yes, you want a good role model for your daughter, but treating your MIL like a child doesn't work either. You overreacted from a good place, but it was still an overreaction. This situation may not work for you if you can't deal with your MIL's mature sexuality. You and hubby and MIL need to agree on the house rules where dating is concerned - have her be a part of this; help her to understand that you don't want to cramp her style, but the impending puberty of your children and the worries that comes with make the need for strong role modeling imperative. Good luck!

I don't think you can tell her not to date. Dating is fun. She's an adult and she really does have the right to have love and happiness in her life.

What I would do, if I were you, is have you and your husband sit her down and discuss your concerns. Just tell her that if she is going to date, she can't bring the men around the house until her and her boyfriend have acheived a certain level of commitment and have been together a specific amount of time, and only after you and your husband have had a chance to meet him first and give the okay for him to attend family functions.

I would also ask her not to talk about the men that she is dating with your children or in their presence during that time period also to avoid sending mixed messages to your children.

I think that, chances are, if you put these limits who she can bring around and what she can say about her dates when your children are around, if what you say about her is correct, then chances are you will not have much of an opportunity to interact with a majority of the men she is dating.

As for how to talk to her, just think about how grateful you probably are to have been one of the lucky ones to have found lasting love and stability (even smart women have a hard time finding "the one") and realize, that when all is said and done, that is probably what she is looking for in her own life. She may not be going about it in a way that you can understand but, then again, you are not single. Just try to understand her perspective and I'm sure that you will find a way to speak to in a compassionate, non-judgmental manner about this.

I think that, at the root of this all, she's just a woman looking for love and some fun. So much more interesting than living the rest of life knowing that all that you will be permitted to do is drive the kids to and from their various activities, don't you think?

I totally understand you not wanting her bringing the men she is dating around...that is very understandable. But I don't think you can tell her she can't date! Just because she is living under your roof, doesn't mean she can't have a life of her own!

Regardless of what decision is made (whether MIL stays with you or not), this is a very real opportunity to talk to your kids about relationships---kids are not stupid and if you haven't tried to keep them in the dark, they'll have seen for themselves the storminess of grandma's relations. So here is a good chance to talk about healthy relationships vs. fun, and responsibility and letting a relationship grow, instead of hurrying. Yes, kids do learn from modeled behavior -- but they learn both what they want to do/aim for, and what they want to avoid. So if her behavior is that objectionable and grandma is not in the end made happy by it, it's a good chance to show the kids (at their level) that poor choices can lead to an unhealthy roller coaster ride that generally ends badly.....

Frankly, I think that you need to apologize to MIL for harsh words. She's an adult, and while, yes, you can kick her out (probably not a good idea), she can date whomever she wants. Ask her to respect your wishes in how she comports herself in your house, yes (like not coming in at 3 am, not coming home drunk, etc.) but don't tell her she can't date. And do work with your DH on a comproimse.... or come to the realization that might be better for everyone if grandma helped/spent time w/ the kids, but had her own apartment.

I would be so worried about her influence on your daughter! There are SO many bad influences on teen girls, when it's coming from Grandmaw, how on earth can you NOT be worried! Bringing random men into your home is disrespectful to the way you're trying to raise your kids. I'd say compromise by not minding her dating, but NOT bringing men around your home and kids.

I think it may be a bit too much to forbid her to date, however, I do agree with you that she should not bring men home. That being said, she is an adult and if she wants to go out every night she can, as long as she still does all her "duties" that were asked of her. I would tell her not to tell your daughters she is going out on a date, just say dinner with friends or bingo night.

Well did you really think the situation through? You asked her to move in she didn't ask you. Don't misunderstand me I agree with your feelings 100% BUT you can't tell her she can't date. She also doesn't have to be so wild about it. She can keep it private and come home at a decent hour your kids don't need to know she is meeting a man and how long she has known him...as for your husband thats his mom and he loves her for what she is and isn't so he will always want to be easier on her than you.(im sure you know that already) If your mil can't be responsible example for your kids she has to go.....

She's an adult and accustomed to living her own life on her own schedule. Of course, you have the right to run your house by your rules.

The solution would be to have her living close by but not IN your home. If you and she can somehow afford her getting her own small apartment nearby. That way she can see the kids daily, help with pickups, whatever, but can still come home at what hours she pleases without either upsetting you or getting upset when you criticize her, that would be the best for everyone.

If she tends to get intensely involved with men, that could end up affecting her ability and her desire to spend time with the kids and to transport them for you. You might want to have your husband -- not you -- work with her in a calm, non-confrontational way on a weekly schedule of "on Tuesday, please get X from dance at 4 and drop Y at soccer at 4:30," etc., so it's clear who's doing what and when. But be careful not to turn her into nothing but a taxi service. She will quickly resent it and the kids will be the ones who feel that resentment when she stops spending time with them or begs off picking them up and transporting them all the time. Though you disapprove of her private life, if she is not promoting her dating habits to your kids and is not living in your home where your kids see those habits, then you could give her time to do things with the kids and just be grandmother.

Lara,

I am sorry, but I completely disagree with you. Your MIL is free to live her life as she wants to. Who are you to tell her who she can and cannot date (or that she shouldn't date at all if she is living w/ you)? How would you feel if you were her age, all alone and divorced? Wouldn't you want companionship in your life, and wouldn't you keep dating men until you found the right one? I think we can all agree that dating stinks, especially when you have a string of bad dates and relationships one right after another. I think the solution would be for your MIL to get a small apartment close to your house so she wouldn't be living with you, and so she could live her life as she seems fit, rightfully so. Also, I think you are being way too overprotetive of your teenage daughter. You are raising her, NOT her grandma, so I highly doubt her upbringing would be compromised if she sees her grandma date different men. I'm sure some of your daughter's friends' parents are divorced, and perhaps sometimes she sees her friends' parents dates coming and going when she is at a friend's house. Do you let your daughter watch TV? If so, I'm sure she sees much worse on TV, especially if she watches Glee. What about texting and FB? Do you let your daughter do those things? Those things can be much worse than seeing her grandma's dates. You can't keep your daughter in a shell forever. Not everyone she meets (or is related to) will be married, and that is okay! I don't think you are in a "painful and stinky" situation at all. Good for your MIL for trying to be happy and find the right man, even if it takes one man after the other. Think about what she must think of you - an overbearing, controlling, judging DIL who disapproves of her lifestyle and makes no effort to keep it to herself. Pick and choose your battles - this is nothing to battle about. It is quite healthy, I think.

Asking her not to have overnight guests or bring dates to your home seems fair. Asking her not to date at all seems like a bit much. She is an adult. Is she disturbing you or anyone in the house when she comes in late? Perhaps you can give her a key and ask her to be quiet when she comes in or ask her to keep her late nights on weekends. My parents stopped giving us (me and my sister) a curfew once we were in college and only asked for the courtesy of knowing when we were expected to get in and how to reach us (no cell phones in those days).

If you want to laugh about a "wild' grandma look for some reruns of Whose The Boss? from the 80's.

Um... The only control you have over you MIL dating is whether or not she's "allowed" to bring the men she is dating back to your house. Otherwise, you have zero power or control. If she wants to date and enjoy herself- she can. Sorry.

If you over-protect your children that can lead to rebellion, curious exploration through ignorance, and intolerance for the way others may choose to live their lives.

Good luck!

Your first mistake is that you believed her statement, "no more men."

The only rule to follow and keep in mind when you are dealing with her is this: The best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

She is clearly not done with men. And probably won't be until her deathbed. But even there she will probably still flirt with the possibility.

If you truly cannot live with her dating under your roof, and the types of men she brings around are less than desirable, then you should protect your children first and foremost.

So you are basically wanting your mother-in-law's life to stop so she can come live with you and keep an eye on your children? Seems there should be a compromise somewhere here and your husband is right.

Since I am a mother-in-law myself, if I was in her situation I would not want my grandchildren to see me as some kind of floosie, but my life would not stop because of them or you. You can't keep your children from life and things that go on especially with the schools these days and what they learn just from their peers.

Your mother-in-law should be more discreet, but she is a grown woman and may have needs and that is her choice not yours to make. It seems she should move out because tension is something kids can feel even when you try to make them think nothing is wrong. Sometimes that can be worse because kids are smart.

P.S. When you raise your children with morals of what is right and wrong, which it appears you are doing, they are going to come out just fine. Don't under estimate them.

All I can really say is...GOOD FOR YOU! STAND YOUR GROUND. I would have done the same thing. It's not good to have that type of behavior in YOUR home ..especially with your kids being at that age.

I have learned that husband's(especially dealing w/her their own moms) can be a sensitive subject and for some reason...they seem to "bow down" to everything that they say. It can't be like that anymore when you are married with your own family. You have to find the balance.

Stick to your guns Mama! I'm behind you on this one.

I can totally see your point about not wanting to have a bad influence on your daughter. I can't help but ask though, if you have considered the possibility of this being a teachable moment for both your DD and your MIL. They both need to see that they are worth being loved by someone and not just used by them and tossed aside. It sounds like your MIL doesn't think she can get or deserve anything better. Maybe if you can help your MIL see her own worth it will model for your DD that when she decides to have a relationship someday she too is worthy of a genuine loving relationship.
Good luck to you all!

Young males need just as much protection and appropriate modeling as young women. If we want our your males to grow up to respect women then they need to see women respected and be taught this. I disagree with the mindset that daughters should be protected more from inappropriate modeling.

I think you are doing the right thing by saying no male guests overnight. Kids copy what they see, not what you say. It isn't like you didn't want to see her, you just said my house my rules. I do think if she is somewhere else- ie on a date- that is her business. But if her coming home late is waking you up and bothering you that is your house again...

I don't know that I can offer any words of comfort to you here, but I do have some advice. Specifically, I strongly suggest you re-think your stance about your MIL and her right to have a life outside of providing you with free child care. She may be living under your roof ,but she is an adult, not a child. You are perfectly within your rights to make and enforce rules for your children, but not for another adult. With another adult who lives under your roof, you must come to *agreements* about what you expect and do not expect. This should have been done *prior* to her moving in, and it sounds like you did not explicitly discuss this "rule" about her dating. Now, if you were clear and up front, and she agreed, and now she's doing something different, that's a whole other story. But the way your post reads, she said she was done with men, you believed her, and used that as one of the bases for your decision to move her in. Probably not the smartest move, given her history and your strong feelings about what you want your children exposed to.

So I'm going to side with your MIL and husband on this one, in part. You don't get to say whether she dates. You can, however, come to certain agreements about what goes on IN YOUR HOUSE and WITHIN YOUR AGREED-UPON CHILD CARE ARRANGEMENTS. Example: You're not comfortable with her entertaining men in your home unless she is in a fairly serious relationship with them, so she'll have to see them outside the house. You don't want her exposing the kids to her friends, so no bringing them around the kids.... or whatever. You need to decide where your bottom lines are WITHIN THE PARAMETERS of treating your MIL like an actual adult, not a child. But telling her that your rule is that she cannot date and expecting her to follow it is not OK.

I wish you luck with this situation.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you. For all your MIL's stated intentions, somebody else has come along and she wants to try to grab the brass ring.

That she could get angry at being confronted is understandable. It's hard to be railed at by one's own children. I'm beginning to think there's nothing harder than being a mother-in-law. It's even harder than having one. And to be living not in your own home but in your children's home - ruled by them (so to speak) - would be a very difficult adjustment, involving a huge loss of independence. I love my children, but I don't know if I could move into any of their homes.

Did your MIL truly understand that her moving in in the first place was with the corollary that there would be no men? Or did she believe that there were no real strings attached as long as she looked after the children well? All this may be crystal clear to you, but was it to her? Two-way communication is a tricky thing.

The crux of the matter is that, since she is a person of authority (as an adult) living in your home, it's essential that she set the right example for her grandchildren. It's not the same thing as taking care of and having fun with the grandchildren, as delightful as those are! All the grownups in the home NEED to be on the same page. They can differ in many ways, but their basic values need to mesh. And therein lies the problem.

I can't even begin to tell you what to do, but I hope it will all work out well.

Just a thought on what I might do if it were me ...

Their lousy dating history would offer a good example to your children and open up a dialogue with your older children to (respectfully) point out what some of the dangers are, what to not do, etc. Don't by any means bash grandma/MIL for this but model to your children and explain what it is you want for them (and her) and how to find it, and how to not engage in bad dating habits that she does....

She can date who she wants, but you do have the right to (gently) discuss your expectations in that - no overnight guests, be a good example to your kids (as much as possible - so no conspicuous overnight absences, obvious sexual behaviors, etc. They will know whatever they are ready to know anyway regardless of what you do to hide it, but do minimize it so it's not 'in their face')

Dates don't need to be introduced to the kids until it is a steady relationship (sounds like she jumps ahead to that phase tho without the gradual friendship-building phase so I dunno how well this would work)

Does she consider it a problem if she were to totally be swallowed up by a new date and totally forget when/where she needs to be where she needs to be?? Is she otherwise responsible?

Good luck. Along with the good, there is the bad. Work with what you have and always emphasize the good to one another, esp your children.

I think you are perfectly within your rights to tell her not to bring men home, but I don't think you have the right to tell her not to date. I don't see how your MIL dating would be a bad influence on your daughter.