Overwhelmed at Home

I understand how you feel I have been in full menopause for the last 3yrs and I am only for 46yrs old. The sane feelings you are have will pass when you are full menopause.

You are not alone...After staying home five years I finally took a job, even though it is only part time I am struggling to find balance. I feel like I am battling a deep depression most of the time. My home suffers, my children suffer and I suffer...I hate the messy house, the piles of laundry, and I just become more depressed. I don't feel like doing anything that isn't fun. I call into work allot when I don't really need to, I just can't make myself go and I want to quit so bad sometimes. I should try to get help, but I don't have the money to go to the doctor and I am apprehensive about taking pills to be "normal" If you find something that helps please post in the what happened area.

Hmmm, sounds familiar to me---and, no, it isn't talked about much as most of us are programmed to do it ALL, no complaints, and no whinking, thank you! Ha--, Well, take it from me, that does NOT work!!!!

Go to a kind and sympathetic Dr., preferably an older one who has time to visit, if there is such a thing anymore! Depression cripples most of us at one time or another, mine started in my late 20's. I tried to blame it on hormones, felt like that was an accepted reason--"nerves" make me angry, like we are weak, or such! NOT!! Anyone in this day and age, can easily get caught up in the fury of taking care of the home, family, work full time, and get so exhausted that it is impossible to get excited about anything, except more rest! Which is never enough, and if not treated with kindness, love, and medication and a good friend to vent to, can spiral out of control, DOWN!!!!! Been there, done that , and it is HELL!!
It might be a painful incident for which you have felt entirely repsonsible for, then denied and buried it! I was told, by well meaning friends, to just not "think about it!" WARNING---DO NOT try that, but try to face and work through whatever may be stuck in your "craw"! It is OK---your best friends will love you anyway, you need to feel accepted, no matter what, unconditional love, not based on how much housework you can get done in a day, especially, if it is not appreciated!!!

Best of luck, and I have found, that there are a FEW who will understand and be supportive of you, no matter the real reason. But do be careful in whom you confide, because the wrong, uncaring person can do irreparable harm in your vulnerable situation. It doesn't get better without a loving intervention--you are not alone, but I have found that most don't know how to open up anymore, we live distances from a good family support, or stable friends!! Some say prayer, but when you pray and still feel badly, that can be dangerous, unless you don't expect a quick fix! Best of Luck and KNOW that MY prayers are with you!! PR

I would like to add, that I am 75 years old, finally had my last period when I was 53 years, and it helped some, but until I finally got to the core of my emotional depression, just lately and after being on strong meds (whatever works!!!) and therapy, I was finally able to burst through the pent up emotional pain, and now everything is falling into place----naturally. But, my heart is now enlarged and having trouble with high blood pressure, for the past 10 years, never had it before, so NOT being able to deal with this when I was younger, has now taken its physical toll, I want to get out of bed now---but still wonder "why?" But at least I can force myself to do a few things, but then my heart acts up. Personally, I think my "heart is broken!" Now, literally--just another thought! Get help while you are still YOUNG!!!! PR

I can relate to what you are going through. I am 40 years old, and seem to just have lost interest in maintaining the home. I go through the motions of taking my kids back and forth, volunteering at activities, and helping with the business but my heart is just not in it. I really would rather curl up in bed and read all day or watch TV, although I never seem to be able to do that with everything going on. I just feel stressed out. I make myself exercise every day, but my diet stinks. I am heavier than I have ever been. I don't know what is wrong with me. I guess, ML, that I am not giving you any good advice. Your post struck a cord with me. I think we are going thru maybe the same thing. I will be interested in seeing your replies.

It sounds as if you're struggling with depression. Perhaps you should talk to your doctor about this. Regardless, I wish you luck!

I am unsure what is up. That said please have your thyroid levels checked. The slowing down of your life maybe from a lower level of thyroid hormones in your system. This is just a blood test. Best of luck.

Hello, ML.
Don't try to handle this alone! You know, from your professional experience, what depression does to you, and there can come a time when your hormones (or lack thereof) take over your body, and hold you hostage. 'Seems like you're there! You might have to take some unwelcome meds temporarily, and then you can ramp up your nutrition, (you know what to do---no white flour or sugar) and phytoestrogens. Get into a women's group that you enjoy. Go to lunch with a friend who'll listen. If you take your own nutritional advice, you probably won't be bothered with 'flashes'. When the depression is chemical, your attitude won't make it go away! Don't stay home by yourself---you'll weigh 300 pounds, and hate yourself, like I did. I'm good now, and you can be too. As a Christian, I felt guilty that I was not able to help myself with prayer, and good decisions. (Like you, I just couldn't do what I needed to do.) Well, sometimes, it takes human
HELP! You go, girl!
MJ

Hi ML

I can truly relate to your situaton, having been diagnosed with major depression my entire life AND having to do the menopause thing WOW there is a handful lol

The good news is there is HOPE and HELP. The funny thing about depression is - the quiet way it just builds up slowly one thing at a time, energy first it seems, then sleeping, then slowly loosing interest in daily activities..I sometimes think it would be so much easier if a major BELL rang out to let us know we were headed into a major depression. I mean at least we would have some sort of warning eh?

To let it continue means the elephant simply gets bigger....TAKE A BITE out of the process ONE BITE AT A TIME and begin with physician, complete physical that way you can check your thyroid (which also causes depression) and from a physiological standpoint address the body changes one at a time.

The way out of the big black hole is UP and when the depression lifts you CAN actually feel it. It takes a self monitoring that you have to learn past 40 but not everything is menopause and won't pass - some are body adjustments that will need external support (hormones, antidepressants,) until you can get a good solid baseline.

Please continue to search for solutions they are out there and I have enjoyed 51 years of freedom from depression by staying on top of it.

Good luck,

J.

Hi, I am also a mother of two boys, they are 11 and 9. I am 46 and very fit. To be fit and active and interested again you have to force yourself. You have to just get up and do the things that you need to accomplish every day and that will make you feel good. Reward yourself for getting the everyday mundane tasks done with something that is important to you. I found kung fu did it for me, but you might prefer a class in photography or cooking or whatever will peak your interest in yourself. Become interested in who you are and seek friends that encourage you. My husband is also very supportive like yours but don´t take him for granted, he is investing in your relationship by helping out and you need to recognize this and give back. It will make you feel better about yourself. Start small with accomplishing one task at a time, and take pride in getting it done. We women at home have to understand that our job will not get the monetary or social recognition of someone out in a company but in my opinion, our job is equally if not more important because we are understaking to ensure the success of those we love and care for. Save the book reading as a reward for getting a particularly tedious job done and set a timer to remind yourself to only read for one hour. Then accomplish another task and so on. Eventually you will return to your normal happy productive self as this becomes normal and routine. T address the hormone issue, it is not your imagination and you might like to seek out a alternative health care professional that could suggest some supplements to help balance your hormones, Everyone is different so be sure to get a personalized regimen for you. Many women find yoga very helpful. Take care of yourself.

Hello,

I am so passionate about this and hope that you will take Carol's advice below and check out Natural Progesterone as a natural alternative. Perhaps you are already aware of this as you are in the alternative health industry. My mother had the foresight 20 years ago to NOT listen to her physician when he advised her to take a synthetic estrogen for her perimenopausal symptoms. Instead, she chose Natural Progesterone. If you want the "overview" of what John Lee advises I have a tape that you can borrow and also a "thinner" book that I have "highlighted".

Call me to meet for coffee and I would love to show you the benefits of this cream. My company sells this for $34 and it lasts about 3 months. The benefits of this cream will blow you (and you significant other) away(HA!) BTW, my mother’s doctor has congratulated her for not listening to him in light of the "negative effects" of what he was prescribing for her 20 yrs ago. Women, we are on our own... let's stick together!!

Many Blessings,
S.
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I think we all feel overwhelmed sometimes. I too struggle with my weight. Even when I do everything right I am hard pressed to lose maybe 5 pounds after weeks of severe exercise and dieting. So I've switched my efforts to paying more attention to my overall health and not looking for that perfect body.

Meals are important. You can lift your mood over time by eating right. But no one can do it for you. I'm not a fan of pills for mood lifting. You can do that much better by learning how to think. What you concentrate on is what you become. If you tell yourself you are tired you will be more tired than normal. If you tell yourself you are overwhelmed you will be.

Instead, make a gratitude journal where you write some things you are thankful for every day. The good feelings will eventually follow. It's hard to be both negative and positive at the same time. So concentrate on being positive.

Reading is wonderful. But what are you reading? I guarantee that if you are reading the right kinds of books you will be motivated towards good things. I love Christian Historical Fiction. It allows me to sink into a good book and read about the hard working people that made this country great and I learn a bit of history too.

As for house cleaning, take it one day at a time. Do one thing daily that never gets done. Dump a drawer and go through it. Empty a closet and put it all back. Clean out that silverware drawer. You may want to do one shelf per day in the fridge because it can become a real nightmare if you wait. Stop looking at the big picture and look at just one piece at a time.

You can turn things around if you really want to.

Suzi

my heart goes out to you-you are not alone-but,this is more than perimemopause-you need to talk with your Doctor - I know that you feel silly even asking about this-don't let yourself slip any further down into depression. this does not sound like plain old "change of life"- talk to your doctor, get some help- do it for yourself and your family-please, get help!

It really does help knowing other women are going through or have gone through this sort of thing. You're not alone. And I realize I'm not alone. I'm glad I read your message. I wish I could offer you some advice but I'm also learning how to deal with this. And it does quietly pile up. It's so subtle it's difficult to explain. Or identify. I began feeling ashamed because it looked like what one might think 'laziness' looks like. Someone on the outside (everyone other than you)might mistake it for 'laziness'. At least, that's a fear for me for some reason. Right now I'm much better at making plans to 'do' but I find it difficult to follow through. I'm better when I'm out and about. I, too, know what I need to do but can't find the motivation to do it. The advice you received (that I read) is helpful. I'm going to the Dr next week and I'm trying to be active and eat well. Just make the effort and hang in there. Get whatever help you can. It's okay and you will be too. God Bless.

Finally, a question I can relate to! I am 43, and have been having a difficult time lately, between perimenopause and life events. A couple of books that have really helped me: When Your Body Gets the Blues, and the Wisdom of Menopause. Somehow, if I know what is going on, I can handle it all better. And I can't believe how much more energy I've had since I just started taking vitamins faithfully. It was hit and miss before. But I am still having trouble getting motivated with the house work. I just don't care anymore. It doesn't seem important. You are so lucky that your husband helps out. I can't imagine mine doing laundry or meals.

The Body Blues book is great. It's just a matter of getting enough light, taking vitamins, and walking 20 minutes a day to feel better. My life events are still there, but I have more energy to deal with them all.

Feel free to e-mail me. I'd love to have a "perimenopause buddy.!"

Read WHAT YOUR DOCTOR MAY NOT TELL YOU ABOUT PREMENOPAUSE:
Balancing your hormones and your life from thirty to fifty.
by John R. Lee, M.D., Jesse Hanley, M.D. and Virginia Hopkins. His website is http://www.johnleemd.com/.

i'm in my late 20's, so I don't know what you're going through. But I do know it sounds like depression associated with the perimenopause. I would talk to your doctor about this. He/she might have some advice, meds, or supplements to give you to help you feel more like normal.

Hi ML, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH! I've been an RN for 35 years & you would think we would take of ourselves instead of everyone else! Although, I'm 58 & having have been hot flashing for 4 yrs! But, the chaos continues. There is a site www.flylady.net that has really helped. Check it out. There's even a Johnson County Flylady group I was going to check out. She breaks life down into manageable tasks. When you fall off (and you will) you jump back in where you are. Try it! Best Regards, C.

I agree with the other women -- first of all, I love FlyLady, so that website might help you. And even if your depression is caused by perimenopause, it doesn't mean you have to live with it.

Good luck

I've been on Lexapro for years now. I have depression symptoms related to my menstrual cycle. I'm 41 and just had my 3rd baby 2 years ago. The pregnancy was horrible and the birth was very difficult. Ever since he was born, I have struggled with overwhelming fatigue. I get up in the morning ready to go back to bed. Even now, I daily take a nap when he does, sometimes 2 1/2 to 3 hours. Most of the days after sleeping that long, I wake up groggy and do not have the energy or desire to do anything else. Often times, my 12 year old ends up putting something simple together for dinner. I have had sleep studies done and have been diagnosed with sleep apnea and restless limb disorder for which I have now take meds and have to wear a CPAP machine at night. There may be a slight improvement but not enough to be what I consider a change in my life. It is very depressing that I am not being the person/mom/wife that I would like to be. I am just too tired!! This of course also causes strife between my husband and me. I have also in the past year started dealing with perimenapause symptoms: night sweats, periods all the time, heavy periods!, body aches, and I think I'm developing arthritis in my hands. Intelectually, I KNOW there are things that I need to do to take better care of myself. I don't eat right, some days I don't eat anything at all! I drink way too much coffee and I smoke. I sometimes go to the gym and exercise, but not much. In reading these other posts, I am so glad to know that I am not the only one to be experiencing some of these troubles. But what do we do about it? I don't know how we get it from our heads~we know what to do~to actually doing it (for more than a week and then giving up)????!!!!

I really feel for you. I to have been going through this. I fight to lose weight. My house is out of sorts. I can't seem to motivate myself most of the time. I went and talked to my Dr. She said it is depression. She said I need to get SUN> yes, Sun. Then to drink water all day. I have three children a 14 yr old, a 8 year old and a 3 year old. Life is busy. I have found that when I take time for myself and treat myself. I have a little energy for the other stuff. It's still hard. I look at the house some days and say. It's not getting done today. The house, well, it takes me three days and help to get it cleaned up so I can have people over. I have my kids do alot of the simple things. Setting the table, empty trash, sweep etc.... I take naps 2 times a week. Whenever i need them. I lay my son down and we sleep. Sometimes 2 hours. Most of the time, after an hour I good to go.
It's a lack of energy !!!!!!! Well, I love Flylady.com too. It helped me before # 3. I haven't gotten back on it yet. But I would love to. I need to get the preschooler in school next year first. Good luck. I hope it works out for you.

Hi ML!
I can so relate to what your talking about! I'm not sure I can blame it on my age, I too am 42, but I lost my Mom a year ago the 16th of this month and it feels like yesturday!
This past year has been hard on me and my family, I have had no energy to clean the house and meals well thats a whole other story. I have good days and bad, finally decided I had to do something about it. It still is a challenge, but I started working at home, began to see that I can help with finances again, and started to feel important. Once Mom died I felt like my whole world ended. We were the best of friends and God it was (and still is) horrible! I have been in the health care for years, and always tending to others. I'm beginning to see that I need to start taking care of ME.
Now I'm busy working in a job I love, manage my own time, and seem to be doing better! I just can't wait for Spring! I think once the weather gets warmer and we start planning camping trips I know that will cheer me up! I see you like animals too! Love them! I wish I lived out in the country so I could have more! Now they always seem to cheer me up, unfortunately they don't do laundry!! LOL
I guess my advice would be make an appointment with your doctor and get a check up. Working in the alternative business I know there are many things that help. We have had some amazing success with alternative medicines with our children. Ok, I could write a book!! HaHa If you ever want to talk more, message me anytime.
Good luck and I sure hope you feel better! Happy thoughts!

Dear ML,
There is a reason you feel the way you do, you have a Depressive Disorder, or depression. I am a licensed clinical social worker and have worked in mental health for 10 years doing therapy. As women age, their ovaries age as well. The hormones that they produce, Estrogen and yes, Progesterone, are no longer made in the quantities that some of our bodies need to maintain the proper mood. Both Estrogen and Progesterone affect and contribute to our moods and feelings of wellbeing. When the quantities start to run low our mood does too. Why doesn't everyone experience this? Because we also have our thyroid and other glands that produce hormones that affect our mood as well. For some, those glands do enough to make us manage our moods adequately. For others, not so much. You are in the not so much category, probably because of your genetics. You can blame your ancestors. I recommend you talk to your OBGYN, your primary care physician or a psychiatrist. Tell him or her about your emotions and start on a homeopathic remedy to treat depression or start on an anti-depressant. It will take approx one month for either to work and 6 weeks for optimum results. You may need to try a few different kinds of either until you find what works best with you chemistry.

Hi ML,

To get a handle on your house and home life you should look at flylady.net She has an awesome easy to follow program that gets your house under control at your pace. Just check it out and try it for a few days and see if it makes a difference.

Good luck,
Beth

I am not an older mom, but I have been through this.

Mine started when I didn't care about spending time with my kids, I couldn't clean my house, I couldn't feed my kids. They ate out every night and dug through piles of clothes or the dryer to find clean ones.

I eventually had to leave my job because I just couldn't muster the care or want to to do a good job.

I suggest either speaking with your doctor or visiting a psyhc. I would also have your thyroid checked. Many depression symptoms are also symptoms of thyroid problems.

I am still struggling to find a good solution to my problems. I hope you find a solution quickly. It is a horrible feeling to not be in control of your self.

Oh ML, we must be twin sisters of different mothers! I am with ya! My husband has threatened to call the TV organizing people - you know the ones that put it all out on the lawn and make you go through it in 30 minutes. Don't they know that if I could do it in 30 minutes it would be done??? I'm 47 and am in the same boat - gain weight, cuss myself, try to eat right - crave chocolate, get back on the wagon, fall off again. No exercise at all - like you I theoretically know what I am SUPPOSED to do, but just don't do it. My DH does most of the cooking and I hide behind the piles in my office or go to the sewing room. I work from home and so does DH, but I have the ability to schedule assignments when I want to do them during the week. I seem to put things off until I absolutely have to do them which is really stupid.

I have never been this unorganized and apathetic about my house or myself before. I hope you get some answers - cause I'd like to know what others have to say, too!

D. C.

ML-While I can't speak from experience with menopause (I'm only 31), I might be able to help. I recently found this GREAT website, www.flylady.net. It's a free website that teaches you in babysteps about how to recover your home from the mess that builds up over the years. It includes daily tasks for reducing clutter, and they send you daily e-mail reminders to pland dinner and spend 15 minutes on some body movement! It really doesn't require a lot of effort, and it will seem like a slow process, but I just started last week and I've had a clean kitchen and bathroom for six consecutive days now! I really think you will feel better if you check it out!

Bless your heart. I empathize because I have had some of these same struggles. My advice is that you ask God for help. Sometimes there are things that confront us that we are absolutely powerless to change and the only way to get "over the hump" is to as for God's help. He wants us to remember that we need Him and I believe He takes great pleasure in doing for us, his kids.

Wow, When I read this I thought I was reading about myself almost! (I sign my name M. sometimes!) I am 41 and have had some of the same issues in the last year or so (laundry. house cleaning, meals, piles everywhere.) I take Effexor and seek counseling which helps some, but I still have the overwhelmed feeling a lot of the time. My husband says I do too much, but I don't feel like I do (especially compared to others I know) (I know I shouldn't compare myself to others!) Fortunately my husband does helps alot with laundry and dishes), but he travels and has to work late alot!
My worse thing that I do is get on the computer on sites like this when I want to escape or I don't have energy or DON'T WANT to do anything. Then I feel guilty later.
I tried Flylady but it was overhwelming to me with all of the e-mails and reminders! But I did like her method.
Not much of a help, I guess, but maybe someone out there has some good suggestions.
MaryLou (M.)

Dear ML,
My name is M. and I'm 10 years older than you. It sounds like you are pre-menopausal and it is a tough time. As your hormones change, there are mood swings and weight gain. Once you get into a rut, it's really hard to break the pattern. It's best to try to get into a routine, and don't expect too much from yourself at 1st.

You need some kind of exercise. What do you like to do. Gardening is great exercise. I like to get down and dirty myself. Another great activity is walking. Ask around your neighborhood. Find out if someone else is interested in walking (maybe even your husband or kids). then set up a routine. Start off with a 10 min walk 3 times a week. After several weeks, increase the time to 20 then 30 min. It's amazing the problems you can solve while walking. My neighbor and I treat each other as a sounding board, and give each other positive feedback. Walking is great exercise, but something I like even better is yoga. It's easy on the body and helps maintain flexibility. Again, don't expect too much of yourself at first. I have several yoga CD's (Rodney Lee). Not only does it help my flexibility, it is also very relaxing.

Proper diet is also important. Once you start eating better, you will feel better. If you gained alot of weight you may need help. Weight Watchers is a great program. I don't like to cook either. I find that I get more enthused if I limit my cooking to once or twice a week. I try to plan the menu ahead of time. I have perused through my cook books and pick out my best recipes. I have index cards with a list of my favorite recipes with the name of the cook book and page number. My husband cooks some of the days and other nights, it's TV dinners. Don't forget date night. Once a week you and your husband need to get away and eat out at a nice restuarant, or go to a movie.

I hope these suggestions help. You are not alone in your feelings. Many women go through the same thing as they approach menopause. But let me tell you, there is a rainbow beyond menopause. Don't give up.
Good luck!

Im dealing with that also. I talked to my doctor and went on hormones for a while. I decided to make a "to do" list of the things that had to be done. I also scheduled a "my time" hour or two to spend on me (bubble bath, book, watching a movie) as a reward for getting those chores done that I was neglecting. I really appreciated my down time and didn't neglect my son and feel guilty. I did go off the hormones because I was worried about health effects later on down the road. I am still in the habit of taking better care of myself. You are so lucky to have a supportive husband. You'll get through this, but please don't push away your family. As far as those wonderful "power surges", laugh them off. Go stick your head in the freezer. Not only will you cool off, but you just might finally get it organized.

Hi M L~ I work from home with a wellness company and you just might be interested with your background. I'm sure you know plant and vegetable based vitamins and we have another vitamin supplement that helps with the conditions you describe too! This will help you maintain your weight and have more energy as well. Love to talk with you more, email me or www.livetotalwellness.com/cindygeoff may also be of interest to you too!

First off...........have you been to a doctor to confirm that this is perimenopause?
I'm 57 and I had a hysterecomy at age 26, everything was removed but I still get real moody around the time I normally had a period and if I'm overly stressed at that time then oh my everything is worse.
My problem is I have never gotten lacked about the care of my home.......but I have gotten very lacked about my self and health. I too need excerize and to eat better.
I also have FM with CFS and so the pain is overwhelming at times. But I push on just not with excerize.
I would personally get a good checkup and ask your doctor for suggestions and then just try and pace yourself. Make lists if need too of things you want to get done that day. Make time for a break but strife to get your list done.
Do you have friends to walk with? lol
Good luck,
KayD

Hi,

I'm not a proffesional by any means but it really sounds like you have depression to me. I think if you got that treated then that would surely help. I hope so anyway. I wish you good luck :)

L.