Overwhelmed - Buffalo,NY

This happened to my sister. Different details. My advice would be to open up a trust for the kid, put money every month aside for him, because once this woman decide to get public assistance or goes after you for back child support you will be stuck owing the thousands of dollars all the way back to birth. Even if the woman doesn't want support now, when she changes her mind you will be responsible. good luck and get a lawyer and a paternity test asap.

Well first of all, she can't ruin you. Not sure what you even mean by that.

Second, you say that you recently found out yet you also say this happened on Father's day. In my book, 7 months isn't recent. So...did your husband not tell you until much later that she reached out? Or is your sense of time a bit off?

If it's really been 7 months, then why hasn't anyone acted on this news yet? Why is your husband being so passive? He should request a DNA test so that you stop living with uncertaintly. He either has another child or he doesn't, there's no need to keep on wondering about it and leave everyone anxious and unsettled. Tell him to get a DNA test so that you can move forward.

If the boy isn't his child, then there you go. If he is, you'll all deal with it accordingly. If that does end up being the case, then I would suggest enlisting a family counselor to help you all figure out how to best move forward in the best interests of this boy, who will be far more confused, fragile and devastated than you are right now. It's OK to be overwhelmed, but don't forget that there's a little boy out there who is possibly feeling much worse than you, who doesn't have the benefit of life experience to help him know that this will all work out. This boy needs someone to advocate for him and end the uncertaintly - be that person and push your husband to do the right thing.

If the other woman was married when this boy was born then your husband has no legal rights or responsibilities to the child because paternity is assumed of the husband for a married couple. Even if DNA proves that your husband is the father, the ex-husband would have to consent to any change in legal status because when a child is born to a married woman, the ties of marriage trump biology. Some states are slowly changing these laws but for most, this still holds true.

If the woman wasn't married, then she could take your husband to court for paternity and child support and that, frankly, would be totally fair. If he made a baby with someone, he should have to support that child financially. Whether or not a relationship with this child is good or possible will depend on individual circumstances.

I hope that your husband has the courage to take the next step and end the uncertainty. Just know that no matter what happens, you will adjust and be fine.

I urge you to find a way to let go of your disappointment. You cannot change this now. Recognize your feelings, grieve and move on. You do not sound selfish. It's OK and understandable to have those feelings.

You have no power or control to change anything for her son. He's now 10 and having your husband get involved will probably only confuse him further. Telling him what she did is incredibly thoughtless on her part. After all this time there is little that your husband can do. He can ask to be involved with the boy and offer child support but I wouldn't recommend doing that. If he wants to get involved, I urge him to do so with a therapist, bypassing involvement with the mother entirely. This child is no doubt hurting and in need of professional support.

I suggest that she is jealous of your baby, is having a difficult time being without a partner and called your husband so that he'd be miserable too or in hopes that he'd be sympathetic and give her some attention. She may be wanting him to drop you and go to her. Do not respond to this drama. She also may not be telling the truth. She may just want attention and this is a way to get it.

Let your husband handle this. I suggest that he not respond to her at all unless she asks for something. If she wants to see him he should tell her he has not wish to see her and refuse. If she wants him to give her son attention or pay child support, ask for a paternity test before doing anything. And I suggest that you not talk with her, ever. She will only try to undermine your confidence in your husband and create more drama.

I suggest that even if he's the father, if he doesn't want to get involved, it's OK to just tell her no. It's just been too long to bring this up now.

I suggest that you and your husband need to talk together about how both of you feel and find ways to make your marriage stronger. Don't let her phone call separate you in any way. Both of you use I statements describing how you feel and brainstorm about how to handle this.

This woman cannot ruin you without your permission. Maintain a strong united front. Do not criticize or judge your husband. Know that this woman is creating the drama and you and your husband do not have to participate.

You need to get yourself together. (So does the woman who just got a divorce, but that's beside the point.) Do you REALLY think that your husband would not be interested in his baby with you if he has a child he has never even met? Give your husband some credit, for heaven's sake. I understand you being worried about the money - that's something for him to see a lawyer about. But wanting your baby to be his first and only one? Does that mean you wouldn't have married him if he had had a child before meeting you? He even told you that he thought he did, and you still married him.

Don't have ANY conversation with this woman, period. The only one who should be talking to her is your husband. Go talk to a counselor to help you get through this. You must NOT be jealous of this other child if it turns out that he is actually your husband's. If you are, you will only hurt your husband and make him think badly of you.

Your husband's lawyer will demand a DNA test. It may be that this child is NOT your husband's. Don't jump the gun here.

Dawn

First of all, stop worrying about that which you cannot change. It is what it is L.. Your husband was up front about it from the very beginning, so you knew this would come up at some point, unfortunately, it is coming up at a very inconvenient time for you during your first, new baby, first father's day..etc. You have every right to feel selfish, but you need to also put this in perspective, as this is not an issue that will go away. Your husband needs a DNA test before any drama can begin. Let him confirm the child is his. Once that is confirmed, he will be legally responsible for child support and whatever else he wants to be responsible for....vacation time....weekends....visitation right...etc. Prepare yourself to be strong, as you will be the pinnacle of all that will occur, and it is best to do it kindly and with a good heart. Remember, this child didn't do anything wrong, it was the adults that made all decisions before he was even born. Be realistic with the situation. Look at it as if though your husband had an ex wife and a child from that first marriage and you move forward. This will not ruin you in any way, unless YOU allow it to. Remember, you are the pinnacle of how all will be handled. If you fall apart, so will everything else. If you are strong, all will be well. There is nothing that can ruin you if your husband was upfront about this, you know all that is happening & you stand together. Let go of the disappointment, do not act as if you knew nothing about it. Good luck.

How overwhelmed can you be if you waited almost seven months to post this?

Your husband needs a DNA test. If he's the father, he needs an attorney. If this is his child, then he probably will have to pay child support. In many states, that's a fairly simple calculation. He also would have visitiation rights. What's done is done. Your husband and you need to know for sure whether this is his child. If it is, he has an obligation to his child, just as he does with your child together. If it is not, then he can tell this woman to go scratch.

Hugs, I'm sorry that you are having a hard time with this. I realize that you knew this was a possibility but since she didn't pursue paternal responsibility, it didn't affect you. But you didn't find this out recently, you knew right from the beginning. However, since the mom didn't admit to this til six months ago,and has yet to request any child support, I'm wondering, is she still in contact with your husband? Has she even requested a DNA sample from your husband? He will only know if this child is actually his son if he has DNA testing. Does he want to know if this child is his son, and does he want to be involved in this boy's life if he is?
Nothing can ever change the fact that your baby is the first child that your husband has parented. Nothing will change that your husband got to be involved in your baby's life from the day he was born. The bond with a kid who is already 10 years old and he's never met will not be the same. But again, since it's already been 6 1/2 months since this Fathers Day phone call, if you've heard nothing since, it doesn't sound like she is pushing for anything, and a DNA test would have to be conducted to establish paternity before she could be granted any financial support.

There's nothing you can do. He either is or is not your husband's child. Paternity test will tell. If he is, your hubby needs to embrace it and yes, pay child support, provide medical insurance, and 1/2 of any expenses not covered by medical insurance. It's the right thing to do.

I don't understand your devastation. You said your hubby told you about this at the time you met.

I don't see where anyone was sarcastic or ridiculing you at all. I see caring support and JB trying to clear up some confusion in your timeline. I found it rather odd myself.

Anyway.

I have a feeling that the only reason she called your husband at all is because of the divorce from her own husband, and he's probably questioning paternity and refusing to pay child support. Her only other option for child support would be the other likely father. Your husband. If he actually is the father, then he owes that boy a relationship and future child support unless a court decides that his legal father must continue. The man who has been his father for the past ten years, the man his mother was married to and signed the birth certificate, is legally the father. That man may very well be bound legally no matter what DNA results say.

I wouldn't pursue DNA tests unless this woman starts demanding child support. I wouldn't contact her or take her calls. Any communication with her should be done through lawyers. He would have to appear in court at which point either he or she would have to request a DNA test. But don't do anything yet in concession that could be taken as admission. Not until it's certain that the boy is his.

As for your feelings... I'd be overwhelmed too. Everything seems to have come to a head for your family. HOWEVER you did have ample warning that there was a possibility that your husband already had a child with another woman.

Neither of you is a victim here. Your own child may have a sibling. If he does, then you have to do your best to be welcoming of that child. No amount of disappointment that your child isn't your husband's first and only child will do anyone any good. All it will do is build resentment and contempt in your marriage. Is that really what you want? Some festering boil that can't be repaired? I'm not saying to be happy about this. Not at all... but you're going to have to be accepting of whatever the outcome is. Accept it and then move on.

I think the first thing I would do is get a DNA test done. This other women sounds like she is a little touched! I would be hurt and upset by this news also. I think DNA is the best first and if he is not then your done. If he is the dad of this child then you can deal with what needs to be done. Some times life throws us a curve ball, this is yours. I wish you luck and please do not let her drama ruin anything you and your husband have built. Time to stay strong and unite with each other.

Please take Marda P 's advice. I think it is spot on! Sending hugs your way!

L.,

I am so sorry. I can only imagine the position you and your husband and family are in. No harsh judgement here---just warm thoughts and prayers for your family. I don't have alot of advice--but I do want to say, be a united front with your husband with this woman. Demand a paternity test and don't give in to anything she requests unless you have a lawyer. She sounds like she is out for blood and has had this festering for the past 10 years. Get the support you need. I think anyone in your position would feel the way you do....you never think you are going to have to face something like this. Remember this was before you and your husband....I know it still hurts-but keep talking and processing. Hang in there!!!!! Hugs to you!

Paternity test. Pronto.

Your husband told you well before you were married that he may have fathered a child, yet, he did not pursue proof at that time - nor any time in between. You knew there was a potential child out there - yet now you are "crushed and devastated". While this "revelation" is sudden (well 7 months ago sudden) it was always a real possibility that this would happen.

The woman sounds slightly unstable.
The child involved is being emotionally scarred.
If this is indeed your husband's child, then he needs to verify and step up. And so do you. The only one being crushed and devastated in this situation is that child.

Oh, and you baby with him is your *first* baby with him. A child born out of your love for each other. Nothing can take that away.

I understand what you mean about wanting to have your hubby's first and only kids. My husband had 2 girls when I met him and this was definitely something I had to mourn, it would be my first but not his when we had kids. That's hard to get over but you can if you talk your hubby about it. Mine was pretty reassuring and able to make me feel as though the process was still special to him because it was with me. And remember, this other child (if it is his), is 10, and he has not yet established a relationship with him. He has missed 10 years of parenthood so your baby is still his first baby, you still have all of the firsts with your husband and your baby that he missed with this other child. If this child does turn out to be his son and they establish a relationship remember it's not the child's fault his mother lied about his paternity and it can be a positive experience for all of you to have another child to love. I know it's hard to think about that part when you worry about the child support part, but once you are able to cope with that this could be a nice experience. This kid's mother will not be able to ruin your family if you are a united front and don't allow her to. Let your husband be the one dealing with her and keep talking to your friends so you have your own support.

Wow, I'm so sorry you are going through this, I can't imagine how hard it must be. Of course you are upset, and from reading your post it sounds like you need more support than questions about timelines and such, so that's what I'll do.

I'm sure if you could just 'let it go', you would have already done so. You need to give yourself permisison to grieve the loss of the dream of your baby being hubby's first, have yourself a good old fashioned pity party. But give yourself an end point for this. This whole thing sucks for you (and hubby, I'm sure), but it's important to process it and keep moving forward. If you guys get a paternity test and it's confirmed that he's the father, it's only the beginning. Your husband will have a complicated relationship with this boy to navigate, and he will need your support. Probably not a bad idea to contact an attorney to check into his rights and responsibilities. I know there's a non-profit that deals with father's rights/issues including things like this, google it because I can't remember the name!

So bottom line, make a plan for yourself.
1-paternity test, asap
2-Process emotions about this- talk to a friend, journal, pray, cry, etc.
3-conversations with hubby about what he wants in a relationship with his son, how he will have contact with the boy's mother (may I suggest e-mail for documentation purposes?)

Once the unknowns are settled, you will start to incorporate this into your life. It's not what you planned, but if you make room for this, you will be ok. Just know that you may have 'flare ups' of sadness, anger, etc. The important thing is to accept these feelings, live with them for a bit, and keep moving forward so you don't get stuck in them. Remember, YOU have a beautiful baby and family and that is your main focus. The rest will work itself out. Good luck!

I think you need to step back. Do a bit of praying. Then refocus on your son. Just be the best mom you can and back up your husband who must be going through a rough time.

Marda P hit it spot on! Your feelings are your feelings and thank you for being honest with them so that you can put them into perspective!

I agree with not responding to her drama because clearly that is all she is about. Support your husband through this and do not play the blame game.

Encourage your husband to do a PT before anything else is done.